The Battle… another win for me.

The Battle… another win for me.
 
It was a good week for me as I took on something I had not been able to beat for many years and for many tries. Anxiety and fear had certainly beaten me many times over the years. In fact I think I had given up on getting this part of my life back for awhile actually. However, a new attitude and new found confidence got me to go forward to battle yet again. This time the results would make me feel proud of myself and the accomplishments I achieved in this battle.

First, I have had trouble going to Sanford to visit Michelle’s relative over the years. I guess I got nervous and the drive would make me even more nervous as the lack of facilities on the way made it hard for me and then not feeling comfortable after getting there would only make it worse for me and I would want to rush home. All this anxiety just normally added up to me not going and just staying safe and sound here in my comfort zone. Even recently, a month or so ago, I lost the battle to anxiety again. I didn’t even try to enter the battle. I just gave up before I tried as had become the norm over the years. So Michelle’s Dad came up and needed some help working on their apartment building so they can sell it. My help was requested. So that would mean a trip that I had lost to many times. Anxiety on the rise!!

Second, I knew that this duplex would not provide me with facilities as plumbing was being done and also the other side was still occupied. So that was in my mind and on my mind from the get go. And with my mind, when it gets in, it is not just going to get out. It gets loose and goes for a spin inside. I then need to think about every scenario and what I would do in each and every one of them. If I needed to go where would I go and what would I do if that was out of service or that person was not home or this or that until it just overwhelms me and I don’t go or I have everything answered and not usually once but twice to make sure there are NO problems with my plans and nothing was missed. So once a thought or concern gets going for me it is usually a battle all of its own. It isn’t fun and can be very, very tiring. Very discouraging. However, if I figure it all out an proceed then I am fine because any glitch does not shake me. I know what happens next as I thought of it already. This has been useful in jobs and things such as that but not in my everyday life. It can be debilitating to be honest. So that process had begun and I needed to figure out another way to get past and around it or it would likely just lead me down the path to a panic attack or just work me up so much that I would not be going anywhere at all.

Third, this was the week my final for Intro to Psych was due as well. So I needed to study and get the test done before Friday. I am not one to procrastinate because of my anxiety. It is much better to get moving and get it done incase something goes wrong. And when done I can be at ease and not build up my stress. The problem was Don needed help earlier in the week rather than later as he was headed back to Virginia Beach at the end of the week. So this meant altering my plans and my comfort zone with my schooling.

So with all these things coming together at once it would normally be like a perfect storm to me and that would be the end of it. I would see the forecast of everything meeting and never venture into it because the scenarios would just be too many too sort out. I would not be able to do it or even get to the point where I would try anymore. So how could I do just that this time? How could I try? Could I even get just a little victory and consider it?

Well, I decided the best way to do it was a very simple approach. Not something that had worked before for me and yet it made so much sense to me now. I decided just tog et in the Explorer and drive. Head down there and see how far I made it and what would happen. I popped in a cd to listen too that I thought would pump me up and headed off. I didn’t give myself the time required to think it over at all. I just went and kind of surprised myself I guess and the music was played loud so I could not easily drift into thinking mode. I got to Sanford!!! Great, felt awesome about that and then the thoughts started to creep in of other concerns. So I just told myself to trust myself, trust my judgment. I self talked, positively talked myself into giving it a chance. I was here and now it was the same length drive home no matter when I left. I convinced myself to try it. I went in and started working…… time passed and kept passing. Then we were done for the night and I headed home. I passed my last opportunity to take a pit stop without giving it much thought at all. Home was where I was headed and even though I knew how far it was to get home I had my gps unit on so I could “see” the progress on the screen. I also had it on for my trip down. I knew how tog et there and how much time but for some reason it eased my mind to see where I really was right now and I guess knowing that I could find someplace to stop if I had to and the gps would help me quickly find a place. So I made it!!! I did it!!!! I was so proud of myself and then it came time to go to bed.

My mind started to think about the return trip the next day and school. It was beginning to ramp up on me and that could be trouble for me. So I decided to think about hiking and what I wanted to do this summer in regards to hiking and geocaching. I was able to stop it and go in that direction which was also a surprise to me. I think there were still some positive endorphins left from the earlier success. Not that it really matters because the thing to look at and focus on is the fact I did not get too worked up. I planned on studying a little in the morning before I went to Sanford but when I woke and tried I knew that I couldn’t study as I just wanted to go and get there. I wanted to be there before I allowed any thoughts to creep in and they were trying to do so already. My focus on the studying was lacking and I knew it. So rather than fight it and feel stress of not studying well I just promised myself to do that later in the day and to prepare to take the test the next day, no Sanford, just me and my school work the next day. I promised myself and knew I would keep my promise as well. So the school anxiety was kept in check. Now off again with a little harder time getting going as bits of fear had crept inside my head this time. I told myself again with positive thoughts that I had just done this the day before and I could do it again. I was not sick last night and was not sick or feeling ill yet today. SO trust that and trust the fact I did it yesterday. So I made a deal with myself to go and to leave at a certain time and thus a trust with myself. Having a deal seems to help in the sense that I am okay with trusting myself to keep the deal and sometimes I add a reward to the deal, such as a coffee or something simple like that. Not much by any means but something good at the end of this bargain. So I put an end time and end placement on things to help me feel as though I am moving towards that time of being able to get to my comfort zone again. If there is no time or no deal then it seems as though I get nervous because I know at some point I will need to use a bathroom or will feel ill. Something will happen and my mind will make sure something does as nerves will build and build but if I have the endgame then I can look towards it and now with each passing moment, I am closer to it then the moment that just passed. I guess it is like the gps in the sense that “seeing” it is what helps me gain the confidence in getting there, the confidence of the success as it moves forward and the confidence from the getting closer and closer to the end game. To the reward possibly that I know awaits for me when I get there.

So I made it there the second day and worked and worked with no worries, the time was passing. Then we went for lunch and I got a little nervous as we had fast food from Wendy’s. What would that do to me and my mind was off to the races to figure it out!! I had to stop that and told myself that I have had this type of food before and not felt sick after eating it and thus I could do it again. To just trust in the fact that I would be fine and that the time was still moving towards the end game. So we went back to work and time passed, the end game time was there and went but I did not. I stayed and felt better as time passed because I now knew that each tick of the clock meant I was now going beyond my own deal and bettering my time logged so to speak. It became a game of how much can you add? How much time can you stay and not have any issues? How much can you help Don? So I stayed and stayed till HE was ready to leave and not me. I did it again and headed back to Portland.

However, there was a twist in store for me and it was one I had worried about but knew from my preparedness that I had a solution that would work. I did not know how though the solution would change the time frame or how far it would pull me from the route I knew. I was on Route 111 which is just in bad shape to begin with and there was an accident. So a detour was set up and I was directed to turn right. I had never been detoured on this road before and this was a fear of mine. Now that fear was right here and right now I had to deal with it or let it blow up into a panic attack. I had my gps unit on already so I just pushed the buttons till I got to the screen that had my home co-ordinates on it and told the little thing, fits in my palm, to take me home. To guide me to my comfort zone and to a safe feeling. It showed the roads and pointed to the turns on the twisting roads which eventually dumped me back on the main road past the accident.
There is no way, simply no way; I would have felt this in control had it not been for my gps unit. I would have felt out of control but because of this unit I could “see” where I was and “see” it had a path it wanted me to follow to get home. It knew how to get me there and I knew I could trust it to do just that!! So that worry and that attack were quickly short circuited!! I had won a major battle right then and right there!!! I knew that and smiled, okay I chuckled out loud at my success. So what, I was damn proud and damn happy.

The next day I awoke and prepared for my test. I took it later in the day. I needed to get a 9 out of 30 to get an A for the semester. I ended up getting a 27 out of 30!! So my mind was again happy and filled with endorphins!! I was thrilled as I was able to push the studying back and then re-concentrate to get it done and done well.

So one more trip to Sanford was ahead of me and it was a couple days away. This trip was not to work but was to visit with Don and show him what geocaching was all about so he could decide if he was interested in it. So I wasn’t nervous at all, okay just a little, until I got up this morning and just felt a little off physically. So my nerves started to creep in and I even said to Michelle that maybe we could just try in the afternoon and she didn’t respond. I didn’t mention it again and told myself I could do it or atleast try it. I did and made it there. We went for a cache and my nerves eased as I was enjoying myself and not getting caught up other thoughts about earlier or later. I was just enjoying the moment of here and now. So we visited and then headed back to Portland. Guess what!!! Another accident on Route 111 sent me on the same detour. Quickly the gps re-assured me that it knew where to go and off we went. Michelle the one wondering where the twisting roads led!!! I knew…… and I felt comfortable!!!

This was one big battle of a week for me and I came out on the plus side in so many ways. I am happy, I am proud, and I believe…. Anxiety can be controlled and I am doing it. I am proof that it can be done!!! Follow me if you want or take your own steps and adapt in your own way….. but walk, run, crawl..whatever you need..just move forward. Do it!! I know you can, I believe in you!!!