Broken Down

Broken Down

Today turned out to be a very challenging and hard day for me. As I write this now I have already taken a couple pills to try and keep my anxiety in check but they have not helped me very much. I will take another before bed in hopes of sleeping through the night. I can only hope my mind will shut off for a little while to let me rest. Why are the anxiety you may ask?

Well, I have done a lot of traveling over the last year and expanded my comfort zone from my own neighborhood to much further away from it. I travel to hike, to take pictures, and to just drive even. Today, I was in Bath trying tog et additional shots of the eagle I had seen before in that area. My Explorer made a few odd noises over the last few days but nothing I was too concerned about or not enough to keep me from traveling. So some 35 miles from home the Explorer broke down today. It had a belt come off and a pulley where the belt loops also fell off plus oil near the bottom of the crank shaft. Damage? Cost? I would guess those should be my first worries but they were not. My mind began to slip into and old pattern that was a prison for me. I began to feel every twist and turn in my stomach. I was going to work myself up because I was not near a bathroom. Despite the fact I have traveled so much this last year and had no issues either this still was brining back past fears quickly. I was out of my comfort zone way too quickly in my mind and thus reached for medication to try and calm me. I also tried a phone call but that didn't work either as I raced for answers. I tried to control myself on the outside but inside I was falling apart. The seams were being stretched!! My heart was racing and was only surpassed by my minds speed. It was a nightmare scenario for me that I had often played in my head over and over through the years of anxiety, the years of IBS. I thought I had moved on from all this but one bump in the road and it is all back before my like it had never left. I was scared and certainly trembled inside. What if this or that? I had trouble corralling my thoughts.

I tried to focus on many other things but just could not really do this well. I could not move the time fast enough for the tow truck to come and haul my Explorer back to Portland. I wondered if I would make it to then or if something would happen. I had the driver stop at a bathroom after he picked me up. I threw up in the bathroom and felt better. I then quietly made my way back to the truck and back to Portland. Making small talk to keep my mind occupied on the way home.

Now I wonder what the coming week will bring for the Explorer and for me. I know the costs will be more than we can afford and yet what are the choices other than to go without something to get it fixed. It has to get fixed.

How about me though? What was the cost to me? My confidence? My comfort zone? What are those costs? I just do not know those answers but I certainly fear the answers.