Chasing a Soul

What is your biggest fear?
 
I think everyone probably fears something from time to time. Are you afraid of the dark? After of spiders? Mice? Water? I think everyone has some sort of fear such as these fears. These though are not what I am talking about. The fear I am talking about is deep within you. It is in your soul and it is part of you just like the blood that flows through your veins. It is likely something that scares you greatly and shakes your very foundation to the core. It is the fear that you tell to no one and yet the one that keeps you up at night. It lives in you and you give it life. In fact you are its life!!!

What would make you fall to your knees? What would make you shake or tremble in fear or panic? What would tighten every single muscle in your body? What do you fear so much that if it happened you think you would die?

The fear I am talking about is real and does exist in us all in some form. For me that fear is of proving I am a mistake. The fear of being found out that I am a fraud and really am a failure. That I really wasn’t meant to be here on this Earth and I only am because someone else made a mistake. The fear shakes me to my core inside!! Every step that I take and every pump of my heart that fills my veins with blood reminds me that I live in that fear. It is with me, it is me!! What if it is true? What if it is right? Then what do I do or what do I become? How would I go on? Why would I go on if I was found out to be a mistake? Can I ever get away from that fear?

I sure hope so but I think these types of fears are hard to get away from for most people. You can’t run from it. You can’t hide from it and turning on the lights doesn’t make it go away. If it wants you to know it is there or feel it then that is exactly what is going to happen. And it goes back deep inside and waits when it wants to as well.

If anyone ever confirmed my biggest fear then I would crumble. The big wall that has been there called my life would crumble and shatter into a billion pieces never to be restored again. How can I stay ahead of it? How can I not be found out to be a mistake? I keep putting on this front and people buy it. I am some nice, loving, sweet, kind, gentle and successful man. However, inside rages a hell that few can ever know and a hell that few would ever survive if it was theirs to live!!

Everyday it feels like I get up and have to put on a suit and mask to hide the demon that I can see in the mirror. I know it is there but all of you don’t, all of you are fooled by an outward appearance and a shell. An act to impress and to fool you into thinking that I am worthy and that I exist because I was meant to be here on Earth. If you only knew the truth, what would you think then? Would you still call me a friend? Would you think I was successful or would you shun me? Would you tell me that my fears didn’t matter?

I would like to think that if I started to crumble that my friends would be there with whatever I needed to keep me in one piece. To tell me and remind me that I am actually what you see and not what I fear. I am not what I fear and there is no mask to take off. My fears were only just shadows and minds games. They were fears of something that existed only in my darkest dreams. I face each day because I am strong and I am strong enough to overcome words from my past. I am strong enough to overcome fears from my past and to exercise any demons of yesterday. There is no mask to take off and what I see is really me. I am the kind, sweet, loving, sensitive, and successful man. That is me and will continue to be me. One man can only bring another down if he lets him. Words are just words if you make them be that. They are not concrete or stone and they are not made of anything except sounds. To let them shape or shatter me would be wrong. I was fooled once by the devil to believe I was a mistake and needed to live a charade. The trick though is on him. I used the words to motivate me and to survive when I was young. Now I prosper and look at the devil with a smile on my face. It was my strength and my belief in myself that made me who I am today. No man or woman’s words can break me or bring me down. Now I walk proud and walk to the beat of my own drummer.
Chasing a soul…. Part 2
 
 
She lay in the rubble that was her family’s small home on the outskirts of the city of Ithica. The Germanians had destroyed most of the area and fled as the Roman army began to arrive. She had somehow survived and walked from her home with her clothes in tatters. A group of the shouldiers were rounding up those who were left. There were not many and they were told they would be returned to the City of Rome and there the Senate would decide their fate. There was nothing they could do but go with the army back to a new life of the unknown in Rome. Her family was dead so what did it matter anyway. The only love she had known was no more. Off to Rome she was taken.

As the head servant of the great hall walked by he looked her over and thought her beauty would be good for the Senator’s. So he took her away where she began to serve the Senators and their guests throughout the great hall. She was not happy but it was better than nothing and that is what she had left in Ithica. Today they were told a great young Roman General would be there for meetings and he was set to be the next Caesar. Her job was to make sure his cup of wine stayed full and to make sure he never had to ask for any. It was also vitally important that she did not look him in the eyes. Her face and head must, must remain lowered as a sign of respect for his greatness. She was not to speak with him either but just to provide wine and beauty. She understood and took the wine to him. She was nervous, very nervous and was fearful she may drop the wine. As she approached her heart began to be slightly faster and she felt a strong pull. She placed the large cup infront of him and hurried off. She had to fight looking at him. She did not know why she needed to but she did, she had to see him. She could feel his power and strength just by being in his presence but she also felt a deep sense of commitment in him. It was time for her to bring him more wine as the rook became loud with cheers. A celebration of some sort had begun but she must still bring the wine. As she approached she felt the strong pull towards him again and this time as she placed the cup before him she glanced quickly at him. Her eyes met his and she felt her insides melt with a warm love she saw in his eyes. She did not fear him yet she knew he was powerful.  She quickly put her head back down but did not feel fear for looking and having met eyes with him. She felt alive again inside for the first time since her family had been killed by the Germanians. She her him move and start to walk behind her quickly and determined. Now she knew not what to think and hoped she had not offended him. She hurried as quickly as possible but he was closing and her knees became weak, her heart pounded but not really in fear as she would have expected. It was something different, much different in fact. He was within a step and then a voice and cheers, she was able to slip out of the room. Her heart ached though the farther she went from him. What had happened? There was some deep connection and she felt the need to get away and to be safe. Everyone she cared for had died and what if she cared for him and he died? What would happen to Rome? She hid and the head servant looked called for her but she stayed hidden and then snuck out of the great hall. She went back to her quarters and wept. She did not know what to do or how to see him but she felt she needed to see him. For some reason she felt like she was meant to see him.

She heard that he would be leaving a week with the army to do battle somewhere in the name of Rome. The Senate and citizens would line the streets to see them off as the heroes that they already were in everyone’s minds. The greatest general and the greatest army of Rome would leave to keep Rome’s honor.

The crowd was thick and she did not know if she should be here but she could not be anywhere else. Her heart was already here and so was her soul. She tried to find the right spot so she could see him. She found the perfect spot and soon she could finally see him, all of him. He could have been chiseled from a statue but yet he was alive. His body was near perfection and his amour was magnificent. His horse was tall and powerful. He she could not take her eyes off of him for a second. Then his eyes met hers and she knew that he also felt the same things that she was feeling. There was a deep connection made that seemed like it had always been there. He was moving towards her and as he neared time seemed to stand still and nothing around her matter. It was just the two of them, yet there were many. She reached for him and he for her. As she touched his hands she melted inside and knew it was mutual. Their eyes were locked and he was bending towards her. She felt her hear skip a beat or was it his heart? They were like one as he kissed her so gently and lovingly. She had never felt so complete in her whole life.

Then suddenly she felt him move quickly. She saw the horse buck and his rear legs coming towards her. She tried to move but knew she would not make it. The hooves had struck her in the temple. She fell to the ground but felt at piece as he was all she could see as things faded away.

She awoke in a room like none she had ever seen before. It was large and seemed to have no end that she could see. She rose and looked around, it was beautiful and peaceful. She was drawn to a table at the end of the room where she saw figures. She rose and walked slowly towards them. It felt like she was walking on clouds………


More to come………..


Chasing a soul…. Part 3
 
 
 
She was walking or so she thought towards the long table. She looked down and her feet, they were not touching the ground. She was floating towards them and could not stop her forward movement. She was not sure what was happening to her but she also did not have any fear inside her. Only peacefulness and something else, a feeling she wasn’t quite sure what it was or how to explain it as she had not felt it before now. What was it? Where was she and who were they? She approached them at a steady pace and it became clear that they were not humans at all. She thought she should be afraid but still she wasn’t. They appeared to be almost like ghosts but yet they were not like ghosts at all. Were they angels? What were they? She was before them now and they seemed larger then life and commanded her attention. They did not speak but pointed to a chair for her to sit in. She had not even seen the chair before and wondered where it had come from all of the sudden. She sat and looked up at them and then one of them spoke to her. He did not say his name but said we are waiting for your soul mate. That is the emptiness that you feel inside your heart. He will be here soon, as he, like you have recently left his earthly body to return here before us. So we wait for him and then we will talk.

She sat and waited anxiously as she knew who they meant and could not wait to see him again. To be near him, to touch him, and to feel his soft kiss. She drifted into a dream like state with thoughts of him.

Meanwhile, his soul was on the journey to this same place. He arrived and was guided as she was towards the table. He could feel her but could not see her. His insides again stirred as he thought of her. Then he saw her and she turned towards him. Their eyes met again and the feelings inside of both of them were alive. The pull between them was so strong and so real. They wanted to run to one another but they could not. They wanted to speak but they could not. He was brought to the front of the table and she was brought close to him. So close but yet again so far away. They yearned for each other and their eyes remained locked. She tried to lean towards him, he towards her but just as they were close to touching lips and sharing a soft kiss a booming voice interrupted them. They could move no closer even as they tried to ignore the voice. It grew louder until they shook from its power. It was telling them to look forward and to listen carefully. Now with their attention the voice identified itself. “I am Jupiter, the King of the Gods, and you are here before us to determine your fate. You are mates of the soul!! This soon will be explained to you and you will have a choice to make that will affect your souls. On my right are Venus and Cupid they are the Gods of Love who will tell you about your unique connection to one another. And beside them is Minerva the Goddess of Wisdom. On my left is Saturn the God of Time, Pluto the God of Death, and Mercury the Messenger of the Gods. All of this will be explained to you and each of their roles will be explained. Remember to listen carefully as this will last for eternity and you only get to make one choice.”

He sat back down into his chair which was now clearly a throne, in fact all of the chairs were thrones of sorts but his stood taller than the others and was brighter as well. As he sat the others stood in respect for him. He sat and then they sat. It was quiet and peaceful in the giant room. Then one of the Gods rose and walked down from the table and towards the two of them. It was the Goddess of Love, Venus.

More part three to come……….