The door is unlocked, sleep easy.

The door is unlocked, sleep easy.

Sometimes I look and I see the World as so damn big that it is amazing to me. Others though my anxiety quickly narrows my World to a few rooms almost like my own little prison. Is it simply mind over matter? It sounds so simple but I must tell you it is anything but simple for someone with anxiety. I know this not only affects me but the people around me as well. That though only adds to the feeling of pressure and sometimes makes the attempts to make strides that much harder as I feel their eyes upon me as well. That it isn’t just me I am playing the game of life for but also them. Sometimes maybe they even matter more than I do in the game of life. I can’t change the way I feel overnight and I know that very well. I know the battle must be taken on step at a time and sometimes the steps are about as fast as molasses in winter.

Today is another battle as I want to take off and go hike a mountain that is two things that are difficult for me. It is hours away from my home and the highest hike of my short hiking career. Even as I type that my brain is tossing other bits of information at me such as it is also a hike in the winter alone and much, much more. Are they valid issues? Things to be concerned with? Things to be looked into? I say “yes” but there is also a limit is there not between being overly cautious and callous isn’t there? Where is that line and who gets to define it? I do as it is my life but how do I know what things deserve more thought and what things I need to push aside to open the door to reaching the challenge. For me it is similar to leaving your door unlocked at night and then trying to sleep. Can you do it? Realistically what are the chances someone will come to your door on that night and try to open it? Very slim but could you sleep comfortably? Not many people could but then you have someone spouting numbers off to you saying it won’t happen because of this or that. Does that ease your mind? Does it change the equation for you? That is what it is like for me trying to do a lot of things and having someone trying to tell me why it is okay to do it. Only I can ease my own mind and sometimes the route to easing it is much longer than you could ever imagine. Step by step I can get there and yet sometimes the steps are slow. As I look back over the past year for example I can see a trail of foot steps that tell me progress was certainly made this year. I could pick apart the steps or try to retrace them as I have in the past but I know it only serves the purpose of holding me back again. I want to take new steps and move forward but one must understand it has to be on my own pace and with me reasoning with myself to trust myself. I may need to get up and lock the door to rest easier or maybe I can convince myself that nobody will open that door and leave things as they are but ask yourself if you could do that before you judge me for pausing.

I can make it and will make it to any destination. I can make it and will make it to any goal I set. It just has to be done my way and for me.