Drugs, chemistry, and mind over matter.

Drugs, chemistry, and mind over matter.

I am where I am and seem to not be able to move forward to where I want to be or where I think I need to be in my life. Am I being fair to myself? Are the expectations too much? Can I overcome my anxiety? Can I overcome the very fears that hold me back? Can I get past the struggles?

I am not so sure I can do it alone. I have tried counseling and tried some medications but yet a year later despite major progress I am stuck in some areas that seem so very simple to move past. I can come up with plans and ideas on how to breach the divide but in the end I remain frozen, staring into the open space and unable to proceed. How do I move forward? I have climbed higher and higher in my hikes while battling self doubt. I have found ways that help me relax and concentrate while I am taking tests more times than not. I can sleep now more at night than a year ago. I can even see the positive side of things and push negative thoughts away more than ever before. Yet I remain stuck in place on simple things. My mind races with solutions and ideas but my body freezes when it is time to move. I can’t seem to do it. I can build the bridge but will I ever be able to cross it? Sometimes I wonder and now I am in a funk again because I am struggling to move forward where I want to move forward.

I have wanted to be more involved on campus in my college career but have so far only taken online classes. I have a research paper due and it is causing me great anxiety. I tried and tried to go to the library and failed but I finally did make it the other day. I was helped by a librarian but I am not sure I even heard half of what he said to me. I was there and for that day it was enough. It was school vacation so I was sure the campus would be empty and it was very empty but I still made it there. I tried to go back today. I parked across from the school and as I sat there the momentum began to fade and be replaced by doubt. Eventually I drove away and headed home to study. Why could I not go inside? I did not have to talk with anyone or even look at anyone. If I so chose but I did not make it. Is it me? Is it as simple as mind over matter?

I certainly used to think so but if my body can not handle insulin dispersing properly and thus I have Type 2 diabetes then isn’t it possible for the chemistry in my brain to be askew too? I fear drugs to be honest and the possibility of what they can do to me. I want to feel and I want to think whatever it is I think or feel. I don’t want that covered or masked by a drug. Is it possible though I need something to balance what has become out of balance? I suppose that is a possibility. Should I feel it is a sad possibility? At this point in time it is what I feel but I also realize I likely have little choice but to explore that option further as I can’t seem to get there by myself.