Anxiety claims another day.

Anxiety claims another day.


Sometimes I wonder when it will all end. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever truly beat my anxiety. Sometimes it is hard to see today because yesterday casts a big shadow. Sometimes it is hard to look ahead because it is just to foggy with no clear path.

That is how I feel this morning. Tired and mentally worn out after my battle yesterday. In some ways anxiety kicked my butt and in some I held my ground. In the end I think the smart decision was made by me.

I have been taking many great trips to New Hampshire and the White Mountains are my favorite place to go to just be outside in nature. I get very relaxed there and always come home happier than when I left in the morning. So now the idea was to find a hut or something like it through AMC to stay at for a night so I could either go for Washington’s summit or one of the other nice hikes with a very early start. So I left yesterday to do that very thing.

It sounds so simple when I type it but I struggled to leave as my anxiety began to grow stronger and stronger. So many unknowns about staying overnight in a hut. What is it like in there? Is it warm? Bathrooms? Just what is it? Will I have an anxiety attack? Just so many little questions that begin and then keep coming until my mind is clouded and the simple things are no longer simple. Everything becomes a battle of my will versus the anxieties control OR MORE TO THE POINT THE ANXIETIES DOUBTING THOMAS routine. It just wears on me and then I wonder about everything.

So I dilly dally looking for more information before I go. I pack and then go through it all again hoping I didn’t forget something. Then I need to get this or that because I might need it. So I start trying to get all this stuff as time keeps moving on. Inevitably narrowing my window to accomplish my goal or desire. Finally I get going, get gas and head on the well traveled road that I know so well now. As the wheels on my Explorer spin so does my mind and seemingly at the same speed. Scenarios are played out and re run to make sure it wasn’t missed. I keep driving with the mountains growing closer but indecision growing stronger.

I stop and grab a bit to eat in North Conway. I think about turning around and coming home. I fight that for awhile. Eventually I continue my journey. I finally arrive in Crawford Notch and make my way to the AMC Highland Center but it is now later in the day. I can still make the hike but the air is colder here. Questions continue about warmth and the fears of the unknown are still very strong. I talk to the people at the hut and eventually just decide it will be too cold up there and the mountain looks icy from what I can see with binoculars. So it will be there another day and so I will come back.

I poke around the area all day. Thinking I want to stay overnight but then it fades and eventually I decide to head for home. I am beat, exhausted, mentally worn out. I was there and survived the day despite my anxiety and an upset stomach. Great but I feel like I lost and am no closer to beating the anxiety. The anxiety won. The unknown is still unknown and still something I need to be able to step into without exhausting myself first. I am tired of it.