Anxiety on the drive 5-19-07

Anxiety on the drive 5-19-07

I am pretty comfortable with the trip from Portland to the playground of New Hampshire’s White Mountains. I seem to make the trip no less than once per week. I love the mountains and all that they have to offer. I find peace and happiness there every time I go. Yesterday though my drive turned suddenly on me and became a struggle. I am not sure why as I can’t seem to find a trigger for it. I just suddenly felt anxious and it grew and grew despite my attempts at talking myself out of the impending attack. I just could not do it and my hands started to shake, sweat formed on my brow, and my stomach churned. I had to pull off the road. I went on a side road and sat with my head against the wheel with my hands shaking and my mind racing. I was afraid of something but I couldn’t figure it out. I sat and thought about nothing and everything. I tried to think about how many times I had been there and how those times had all gone well and so forth. It helped but my mind still told me that it wasn’t that long ago that I couldn’t do these things and I struggled to leave my house. I felt an urge to go back there right then. I fought it though. I closed my eyes and told myself that Jockey Cap was only a short distance away and that I could at least go do that. I had to do that. I had to accomplish something. I would accomplish it. I made it to Jockey Cap and quickly scampered up to the top. Once there the views around me calmed me inside. I felt as sense of control come over me. I knew then that I could go forward.

After J.C., I headed off to the Kancamagus Highway and was fine for most of the rest of the day. I had a few little anxious moments but was able to short circuit them before they advanced to an attack. I was a able to find the way through a potential day of set backs. I am proud and yet a little disappointed. I do not know why I had an attack and that is unsettling. I made it through it but would it have been better or worse with company. I was alone so I will not know.

I also think ahead often to the Fall NASCAR race at Louden which I have tickets to attend. I have never gone and the thought of all those people, all that traffic, and so much more unsettles me. I will figure it all out. I am confident that I will and yet I have to admit there IS doubt there as well. There is anxiety lurking. There is time though for me to battle it.