Going Back

Going Back


Inside I knew I needed to return to this place sooner than later but the reality of returning was daunting to me. How could I go back to a place that just a week ago had caused me so much trouble? I needed to turn to pills to get me from there to here but would not use them to return. If I did return it would be without the help of my little white friends. They to me are as much a devil in disguise as a Godsend. They help but they hurt me too. I needed them only a week ago. Now though inside I needed me and just me to go back.

I had been there four times and only the last proved to be troublesome. I guess when your vehicle breaks down it is troublesome for anyone. For me though it is likely worse than for most of you as my anxiety just takes over and soon I am not really in control anymore. I have won these battles before but this last time I tried and failed to win the battle. I took the pills. I had been there to take pictures of the eagle as I had before and hoped to better my past shots but no luck on this day. Only the eagle passing high above us. Then the truck broke. Then the anxiety. The downward spiral.

Now a chance to go back and face my fears. The plan was to go for a drive in that direction. I did and eventually my stomach tightened with each mile and my mind raced to convince me that this was in fact a very stupid thing to do and that I should turn around right now. Even the breaks in the middle of the highway looked like good spots to turn around to me on this drive. I battled back and forth but while I did so the miles wound down as I was nearing the place again. I finally made it there with beads of sweat on my forehead as I clutched the steering wheel until my knuckles were white. Every noise the Explorer made was sure to be the next part breaking and stranding me again here. The Explorer has been great to me and it was again on this day. I parked and walked awhile before getting back in the Explorer and hoping it would now carry me away. It did!!!

I made it back and replaced a horrid memory with a bland one but one that is certainly more palpable for me. I was able to drive into my fears and not skirt them. I was able to go back and look my fear in the eye. I was able to put it in place again. I can now go back to look for the eagle again soon.