I just don’t get it.

“I just don’t get it. Why do you make everything so hard? Just go do it!!”


Have you ever heard that or maybe said that even? Let me tell you that it doesn’t help me at all. It is frustrating for me to have someone say just go do it. Or it is so simple. Or there is nothing to worry about. Or maybe just stop thinking so much.

Well great advice there but it is NOT that simple for me. If it was then I would not have the trouble that I do have with certain issues. Let me take you and expose you to something that you fear or have difficulty with. No analyzing it for you either, just do it, you won’t die, and you will be just fine. Okay so you are afraid of heights? Well let’s bring you on the Ferris wheel and stop it at the top or maybe go to the top of the Empire State Building and have a look-see? Sound good? Don’t worry you won’t fall or get stuck there or any of the 100 bad things you might imagine. Remember, you will be okay, just do it!! Do you have a fear of failing a test? And just study and study to pass it but are still nervous when you are taking it and then only get relief when you get the results back? How about we take that test with no studying? What do you think you will be feeling then? Confident, I doubt it and if I say just take it, you will be fine. Do you think that helps you at all? Or maybe we are going on a boat and you don’t swim but everyone wants to go water skiing. The newbie is first, you don’t swim though. So maybe you are feeling a little peer pressure and have some nerves. You will have a life preserver and friends near in a boat. Is that enough for your fear to go away? Can you plunge into the water where your feet won’t touch the ground and the boat won’t be close enough for a quick pick you up? How would you feel if they said “come on, Why do you make everything so hard? I just don’t get you. Don’t you want to have fun and live life? Just go do it!” What would you be thinking then? Could you overcome your fear? Do they make it better or worse for you with their pressure? Do you fear letting them down and looking like the party pooper?

In all of those situations the encouragement you get from your friends will likely not be enough to erase your fears from these situations. In some they may even enhance your fear. In some of these cases you might just freeze up and not be able to take the next step. With your friends trying to ease your fear and not understanding you, you may feel even more emotions. Are you crazy to feel what you feel? Should you ignore it? If you do does it go away or come back stronger?

For me when someone is putting pressure on me or encouragement from their point of view it often makes it even harder. And now I have to add in there desires into the equation which only makes solving it much more difficult. I don’t want to let them down. Man, they don’t get me? They don’t understand? That really just instills a sense of security in someone don’t you think? Am I crazy or what if they don’t understand me. Why am I so hard to understand? Can I make them understand? See now we are into something different than the original focus as I am now trying to solve things for you and help you understand rather than find a solution for doing what was causing the anxiety in the first place.

I think what needs to happen is that the approach of the other person needs to change if possible. I wouldn’t mind if someone asked what I feared or why I was anxious about certain things or situations. Heck, maybe then they could help with some possible solutions or answers I didn’t look at or help me see things in a slightly different way. In this process of talking about what I am anxious about and why I am anxious we may help each other. You may learn more about what I am seeing and why it causes me to be anxious and I may see you do really care and want the best for me. That you do want to understand and help me conquer this rather than just push me because it is something you want to do and I am holding you up. I think it becomes a trust issue. If I know I can trust you to be okay with me if I get stuck or have an anxiety attack then I might be more willing to expose myself to that with you. If I feel the anxiety and all the possible things that could happen and am unsure you will be there to offer any help or understanding then it makes that first step harder rather than easier. Each step is important but if I don’t take the first then I can’t take the second. The steps we take may be different as well and that is something to keep in mind. We may be going to the same place but you may not need as many steps as I do. Patience and not frustration is the key here for both of us. Let me take my steps without feeling you are being bothered or getting frustrated. Those will likely lead to even more cautious steps for me or even may make me freeze up. And if you are getting frustrated then talk to me in an encouraging way if you possible or bite your lip until you can be positive for both of us. Rather than saying just do it or it will be fine or why do you make everything so hard, try to work with me a little. Ask why I am anxious or what I am thinking and maybe getting it out will allow me to move forward or maybe you hearing what I am thinking will help us come up with ideas. I can guarantee if you are saying things that are not positive then we are not going to be moving forward together. You will add to my anxiety and that will be the end of that progress for now.

It really does come down to a trust and understanding. I am not saying that everyone needs to know everything. The people in your life that matter to you and care about you should be on your side with this and even if they do not understand it they should still accept it. They need to or not be in that close group that you trust your thoughts and concerns with. I do not have a lot of people in that core group. I have a lot of acquaintances but very few trusted friends and even fewer that I allow into my comfort zones. I believe that I need to expand that but it can be a hard thing to do. Recently my wife and I were going to see a Bruins game in Boston. A couple hour drive or a couple hour train ride. I had many concerns and was able to work most of them out. The one I couldn’t was a fear I had from having IBS and that was what if I had to go to the bathroom now. Not five minutes from now but NOW and couldn’t find a place and had an accident? What would she think? Would she understand or would she never let me live it down? Would it harm our marriage? What would happen? In the past I would never have asked that question and probably would not have taken the chance to ask or go on the trip. I asked and was satisfied with her answer and felt that she would understand and no harm would come to our marriage because of this possibility. There was a chance that asking her would have turned out bad but that also would have spoken volumes about our marriage. A friend of mine had asked if I would go check out his Church. I had anxiety because of this and struggled with it. He was persistent but in a kind way. I eventually told him of the anxiety and slowly of some specific fears. He was reassuring and understanding. It took months but I finally made it to his Church. I was appreciative of him being kind and helping me.

I know trusting others with your fears is a tough thing to do but if you find the people you can trust then you can also make some steps easier for yourself. Knowing my wife would be okay with any possible accident on our trip made it so I didn’t think about having that accident and was much freer on the trip to enjoy things. I also noted how many facilities there were around Boston so hopefully it will ease my mind next trip. Others do not have to understand but do have to be understanding.