In a crowd…………

In a crowd…………

I wanted to go to Winterfest at Point Sebago this year and took some time looking things over to get myself right with it. I told Michelle that I wanted to try and go. The normal routine for this is for us to get in the Explorer and drive. I drive towards where I want to go and take it from there. One step at a time.

So we get to the lake and enter the line for Point Sebago. Not too bad and I am quick to notice that I don’t feel to anxious right now. Yes, there are cars and there are people but there is also plenty of space. We walk around and look at things here and there. A coast guard helicopter and another helicopter plus some ice sculptures too. There are people here but I feel like I can just keep moving and am okay. I see space and it isn’t a problem. Plus I just focus on taking pictures as that helps occupy my mind and my hands. I am not able to fidget which seems to make my anxiety worse for some reason. I guess maybe it is unsettling to me.

So we move around and the crowds are light. We stop at the spot where the Polar Ice Dip is going to be as we run into my brothers ex-high school-girlfriend. We talk and she has a friend who is going to dip. We stay there and the crowd begins to grow around me. I try to keep from feeling too anxious and yet it isn’t working. The anxiety is building and I need to move and the camera comes to my rescue. I see a spot where I can get away to take some pictures of the lake beyond this spot. So Michelle and I go over there and I take a few shots as well as collect my thoughts on how to deal with this situation. I want to watch the dippers and I want to take pictures but I don’t want to be in the crowd either. So we go back and I stay on the edge of the crowd and kind of keep moving to stay on that edge. The safety people are asking people to stay off the ice and on the bank as too many people could make it crack. I, ofcourse, have already envisioned this possibility and thus know what I would do to make sure Michelle and I would be okay. Part of that plan was staying near the bank anyway. So this did not work as the crowd just filled in and I would move and more people would come and soon enough I just couldn’t see anything. I was frustrated and that also seems to help me get over the anxiety. I wanted to see and these people were not being safe and in doing so they were ruining my view. I thought about leaving and moved in that direction but we stopped again and Michelle found a decent spot for her. I tried to poke near the edge of the crowd where the safety people were trying to make a lane for the dippers to get to and from the water. Again people did not listen and I could not see so I just planted myself where I was and didn’t move. This worked great for a few minutes and then as I calmed down the anxiety came back. The what if this and what if that’s started and I was headed for an attack if I didn’t get away from here or change my thought process. I decided I would just take a few pictures and raised my camera over my head and snapped. I looked at Michelle who was behind me and up on a snow bank as well. She asked if I was okay and that seemed to help ease my mind because at least I knew she knew and a quick retreat would not be an issue. I wouldn’t have to explain and thus I could stay longer to push my limits. I stayed as long as I could and then it was nearing the end of the dippers and I knew it was time for me to move before the crowd started to move. I just wanted to be away. So away we went.

In the end it worked out as I saw what I wanted to see but I was never truly comfortable. I want to run and had to fight not to run. I just didn’t like the feeling of it all. I felt surrounded and smothered. I felt unsafe and unsure of myself. I made it and that is good but I just am having a hard time finding the good in it all. Do not get me wrong as I am happy I went and happy I stayed as long as I did too. I just feel uncomfortable even going back there in my mind now. It is almost like I feel like it is unsolved in my mind and maybe unresolved too.