In a line….

In a line….

A few weeks back I had to go to SMCC and pick up a Student Loan Refund Check. The email said they would begin handing these out at 3pm. I was nervous well before it was time to go and even thought I just wouldn’t go. Heck in a couple of weeks they would just mail it to me. As the time approached that sounded better and better.

Then I just got in my Explorer and went towards the school and considered it a drive. I was going towards the school and past it. I wasn’t requiring myself to stop. For me it was progress in my head to move form the house to the Explorer and in the right direction. If the end goal had to be to get the check then it likely would end for me before it started. I know this from so many past experiences where I put the cart before the horse so to speak. Taking time to look at things and realize there are steps to go through before you reach any goal. No matter how large or small there is something you must do to get there in the end. So trying to use this to my advantage I am able to just start the process with the simplest of steps. One step is better than none and two is better than one. It allows me to push a comfort zone and also too build trust in myself. I could choose to stay right here but it would only help to build the wall higher and make it harder down the road. So I take the drive….

Near the school I decide I can park the Explorer and walk around the campus. I can handle that as I have walked here before and even better than before I now have access to the restrooms because I am a student. So I walk around a little and then I am near the Campus Center and my anxiety builds as this right here is the moment I had wanted to get too by taking steps. This is the moment where I know I need to battle again. I feel my heart beating faster and I can feel sweat on my body despite the fact the temperature is only in the 20’s. I am kind of shaky and just want to go away. I know that turning away will make all this go away. I also know two steps in that direction I will begin to regret those very steps. They will haunt me with defeat. How can I get from here to there? How can I ever do it? What am I afraid of in there? Will they stare because I am older than most of them? Will they see me sweating? What is it I fear? So many little things race through my mind that it is more of a fog then anything else that envelopes me. I am fighting a battle that you can’t see by looking at me but believe me it is a fierce battle.

I tell myself two things that get me to move. One is that I can back out at anytime and each step forward can be retraced backwards and away from here. I also know that there is an exit on the other side of this one so I can just walk right on through. I start to move forward. Trying to make sure that each step is taken as normal as possible. My legs feel weak and want to resist this movement. The fear of falling on my face now enters my mind and I feel my legs that have been trusted in many sports before suddenly feel so foreign to me. I feel like I am new to walking and am hoping I am able to hide that to others. I get to the doors and someone comes out and thus it is now open for me. No strength required to pull the door. Just hold it and go…. I do just that. I step inside this center and it is abuzz with people, with students that are forming a line. A long line at that but I notice that nobody seems to notice me. Or do they? I can’t really tell but my back tells me someone is looking at me. I turn around and nobody seems to be looking at me. I decide to stand in this long line and know I can leave anytime I want too. So in this line there are other students in front of me and behind me. The anxiety builds with each moment as I stand there with nothing to do but think. Think about the possibilities of what could go wrong. Diabetes could make me pass out, what if I pass out and go the bathroom in my pants, oh what if I have to leave the line to go to the bathroom? How would I get my place back? Man is it hot in here or what!!! My mind is thinking and building problems, expanding possibilities to things that are very unlikely but remain also possible. It is that which adds to the anxiety, the possibility is what matters and what feeds the anxiety. It isn’t the reality of it actually happening as the odds are strong that nothing happens. I can tell you that right now but I can not tell you that and mean it when anxiety has me by the balls.

I remember I have my IPod in my bag. I take it out and plug myself into some Metallica. I would have preferred something else but what if others could hear what I was listening too? Metallica is cool and this will do. I slowly turn it louder and louder to deafen the noise as it is now 3:15 pm and the line has not even moved. In time the music stops to help me and the anxiety begins to override it. I need something else and remember that I have Pac Man on my IPod and begin to play. I am competitive by nature and at first I just suck at PacMan as my mind is busy elsewhere and then I get mad because I am losing and this helps me focus. Before long the line is moving and I am winning. No not at the PacMan game but at this game in my life. Today I manage to make it through the line without the disaster happening to me. I can breathe now that I am back outside. I am covered in sweat and am reminded of that as soon as I step outside in the cold. I did it though.

I used many things to get me through this fight today. I could have turned around and the truth is that many other times I never would have started. The end results are great but I think the lesson for me to learn here is that taking steps is important and the end goal is great BUT it isn’t everything. Starting is something and nothing can follow if you don’t at least start. Sounds good doesn’t it. Anxiety is likely willing to keep coming until I master this process.