Kearesarge North: My battle to the Top

Kearesarge North: My battle to the Top.

By Lloyd W. Alexander


I began looking for a mountain to set my sights on back in January and searched many web sites covering Maine and New Hampshire. Both have so much to offer to those who are outdoor enthusiasts. Sometimes I ask myself if that is what I am or am I still too green to know what exactly it is that my relationship with the mountains and hiking is just yet. I may just be in the honeymoon phase of my relationship with the outdoors. If it is just that very beginning phase then I am in for quite the journey.

The name Kearesarge popped up a few times and seemed like a good hike and I was eager to learn more form people who had been there and accomplished what I hoped to accomplish. However, the Kearesarge I was so intent on climbing and so intent on finding out information for was not the one I was being told about and thus my focus was shifted to a new Kearesarge. I began to fill myself with knowledge about this Kearesarge located near North Conway. I read many good things about the fire tower that sits atop of the summit and many things about the trail up the mountain. I guess one thing you can never truly acquire through words or even pictures is what it takes to make it to the top of the mountain. I will certainly to do my best to bring you on my journey to the top and the battles within but alas they are my battles and you may likely have very different battles. The thing we share in common is the love of adventure, the sense of the accomplishment, and the battle to see the view.

I had set my sights and began to prepare for the hike. I knew I needed to add to my hiking equipment to be able to even attempt this challenge. I knew it would be time to sell some things that could bring in that money for the needed equipment. My anxiety issues have kept me from working and while I am making my way through college at age 36 it doesn’t help pay the bills and in fact only seems to create them. So to be able to challenge my anxiety demons I needed to add more to my gear without taking more from the money my wife works so hard to earn. It would have also been an added burden in my mind to making the hike as well. I would have just kept thinking over and over about what it cost and how much she had to work for me to do this or that but by selling this or that then I did not have to deal with those issues. So things were sold and some of that equipment was purchased. It was a tough choice in a lot of cases for me. Ice axe versus crampons, new boots versus a backpack, warm jackets versus snowshoes, and on it went till I had enough to make the hike in what I believed to be a safe way. Certainly the conditions would have to be within certain parameters as well to fit with my equipment. I also had begun to build the mountain up in my head as I read about it. It was becoming larger and larger with each passing day it seemed. The task seemed more daunting with each new passage that I read about Kearesarge North. January had now turned to February and the pressure in my mind was growing as I wanted to face the challenge. In fact a few trips to Jockey Cap in Fryeburg only served to add to my anxiety as I could see Kearesarge North and even the fire tower on top. So big was the mountain and so tiny was the tower, a mere spec on the summit. It was building and my demons were winning.
February 14th a major snow storm hits our area and my hopes of attempting to summit are quickly lost as I do not have the snowshoes to make my way through fresh snow. I head to Peary Mountain and test that theory. I make it to the top but the going was tough and there is no comparison in the difficulties of the two mountains. It was apparent that Kearesarge was not possible until it had other visitors to pack the snow down to a nice path again. If that happened then I could go as I had stabilicers and crampons to deal with the trail if it became icy. So more time to sit and wait. I read the posting and waited for one to talk about the trail on Kearesarge North. Eventually I found one on the Mount Washington Observatory forums pages and the information was enough for me to get myself motivated. I picked a date and was ready to go. As I went to lie down to get some rest after packing everything so I could just go out the door in the morning the anxiety began. I knew it was going to arrive but had hoped I had enough ammunition to battle the questions my demons would be asking me about the trip. The roadblocks of doubt that would be erected before me were well on their way to being set up. I can’t run around them but have to stop at each and pay the toll. Anxiety is a tough thing to explain and I could write a book on it alone. I will share my anxiety on this hike with you.

Some of the questions I face are listed below……….
-You are alone you fool. What if you get hurt? What if you get lost? What if you get attacked by an animal? What about your diabetes? What about sweating too much? Dehydration? Cold? What if this and what if that!!! The battles rage on and I try to get myself to a point where it is all acceptable to go on the hike. I answer these questions and will be prepared should anything go wrong. I have thought about it and come up with solutions to the problems. So good enough except now it is daylight and I have tossed and turned all night long with my demons. My heart races as it is now time to go but I am tired now from not sleeping well. I try to decide how that factors into the hike and how I can fix it. I feel as though I let myself down as I decide not to hike today. I am hard on myself and believe that it will be weeks before I try it again and that I will again go through these same questions as I stage for the hike. I head to the gym and punish my body with a hard workout as I try to tire the demons out so I can enjoy the day. I accomplish that and actually end up with a peaceful nap in the afternoon. My wife is gone now on a trip to California and this adds a new dimension as who would know if I did not return. A friend offers a solution and instead of fighting with myself about rather that is too much of a burden or not for my friend I just give the information. It is time for bed again.

This night again starts with questions of doubt and I tell myself I am not going as I fade to sleep. I wake in the morning earlier than usual as my mind is eager. I just go for a drive with my hiking gear in the car. It was already packed so why not bring it along. I head off in the direction of North Conway and just keep driving as the doubts are racing into my mind trying to set up the road blocks as I just drive right through them. You are tired, what if the email didn’t get to Holly about my where about, what if this and what if that? Did I forget something? Did I work out too hard yesterday? On and on it goes but my focus stays on the road and the drive as I push away the thoughts one after another. My stomach begins to ache as my body tries to change tactics on me but it is an old one and I just keep going. I cross the Maine/N.H. border and now into North Conway. There is Mount Washington and my stomach roars like a lion. I tremble within as I turn onto Hurricane Mountain road. I near one mile up the road and I begin to slow the Explorer looking for a place to turn around and head home. Then I see the sign for the start of the hike and that is my place to turn. I pull into the spot and surprise myself by stopping the Explorer. I sit there thinking about what to do and how to do it as now is gut check time for me. I turn off the Explorer and prepare to embark on the hike. My backpack is too small and I didn’t bring enough is a thought not willing to leave my head. I go over what is in the pack and satisfy myself. I begin the hike and see the trail is packed but narrow. I laugh a little as I am not sure if I was expecting a road to be plowed for me. I did read about a rough road but this is winter and the buildings around where obviously not in use. I keep going and my phone vibrates to my surprise as I jump sideways and sink in the snow up to my knees. A short talk with the wife and on I go but now a little worried because I do not have gaiters and I was just in the snow. I decide to push on and see what happens. The trail is easy to follow and the woods are quiet around me. I see trails and paw prints here and there off the side of the trail. This is fodder for that roaming mind of mine and off it goes to explore. What made that trail? Where is it now? I try to chase those thoughts away but it is easier said than done even though I have done my best to have the information available about what lives in the woods and how many people have been attacked in Maine or New Hampshire by those very things that live here. I have not studied the tracks in fear of actually knowing what has walked by would not be good knowledge for me at this point in my hiking career. So I keep walking and every so often I stop and listen. I hear nothing more than the little critters chasing one another or a few birds. I decide it is still best to make a little noise on my hike so I cough a little now and then to let everyone know I am here. I have a whistle with me but that isn’t for anything but an emergency and while my mind says that using it would be preventing an emergency I decide against it. Battles and more battles.

Eventually I reach the boulders and remember reading they are about one mile into the journey and this was a good news- bad news type of moment. Well I am 33.3 percent done with the hike but I am tired already. I look at my phone and decide to give myself till Noon before I turn around as it would be like a workout at the gym as far as time goes and thus I can do it. So I start moving and put one foot in front of the other. I am making progress and soon reach an opening with some views that helps inspire me. Soon though my breath is gone and I need a break. So I sit on a rock beside the trail. I am enjoying the break and then I notice there are more tracks near me. Are they fresh? I have no idea as I am a city boy and thus I get up and start moving again. My mind begins to listen to the tired part of my body and tells me to just call it quits. I fight the urge to turn around and come back another day. The mountain will be here and if I turn around then I can come back to play again. I take out my GPS and see I am further than I expected and that is a lifting moment for me. It was enough to get me to look at my phone to see the time. Wow, not quitting time yet and thus I said I had to go onward. Step after step I went and continued to put steps between me and my demons. Soon they left me or so I thought anyway. I kept going and was pretty happy and loving the views. Then I headed back into the woods and the darkness came back to me. The sun was up there somewhere and so was the summit but who was I kidding? I was not going to make it today. I was a fool to go any further at this point. I needed to just admit I could not make it today and turn around. I was tired, sweaty, and my legs were fatigued. I looked at the time and had 20 minutes before quitting time and told myself that I had to go till then before I turned around. I kept going and going, step after step, upward and onward towards the summit. I pushed as hard as I oculd for what I thought was twenty minutes and stopped to catch my breath. I looked at the time and realized my twenty minutes of hard labor was in reality barely five minutes. I still had 15 to go before I could turn around. My breathing was labored and I waited for it to ease before I pushed further. This time the pace more deliberate as to be sustainable for a longer period of time.

This time I stopped and looked at the time. And it was two minutes till turn around time. A few more steps I told myself. And I kept going till I needed a break again. This time I did not look at the time but rather my GPS as I knew that it was time to switch strategies from time to distance. I was much nearer the top than the bottom. I reasoned that the effort to get to the top was the same as to get to the bottom considering the length I had left to climb. It was a hard sell for my weary legs but a granola bar and some water helped turn the tide. I felt a little refreshed and moved onward as I occasionally looked at my GPS to see progress and by zooming in close I could see progress being made. I could see the contour lines and see I was at 2600 feet, 2700 feet, 2800 feet, and with each step I knew I was closer but yet the demons didn’t leave me. One last shot was left in that barrel and it was fired at me when my legs started to fall through the packed snow and the moving became harder. I was ready to give up but realized that I was so very close now to the summit. I needed to keep going and began to move again upward. I finally began to see the sky again and the trees thinned. I knew I was close and the GPS confirmed what I could sense already, the top was around this next corner.

I smiled as soon as I broke from the woods again as the mountain began to reveal my prize. The view was opening to me and my breath was again taken from me but this time by a view so amazing. A few more steps and the fire tower appeared before my eyes. That equaled a little warmth and an extended break. I enjoyed the time within the tower and changed into dry clothes. I ate and just simply admired the view from the top. I had made it.

I lingered at the top and snapped pictures and looked through my binoculars. I was amazed at everything before me. My tired legs had new life as did my weary mind. I felt refreshed and at ease. I turned to head down the trail now that my head was lighter and my soul more full than before I began this journey, this battle on Kearesarge North. I battled the demons of anxiety and beat them back. I felt a sense of accomplishment and it is a sense I have only found hiking.

Once back to my Explorer I finished my turn around and headed home hours after I initially had tried too. The drive was relaxing and freeing now that I had accomplished my goal. Kearesarge North, thank you for the lessons and the rewarding view.