Lay me down to sleep

Lay me down to sleep
 
After a long day who doesn’t love to lay down to sleep? You have earned it and now it is time for the recharging of your body. Do you remember those days of childhood when you could sleep pretty much anywhere and at anytime? I know some of you still can do this as I have seen my wife fall asleep at the local stock car race track during a race. Not sure how you do that but she can do that. Sleeping is something we do everyday and something we can take for granite. It is something to look forward to for some and for others the most peaceful time of day. It is a time when everything slows down and comes to a much slower pace. It is a time maybe when dreams may come and whisk you off to some fun fascinating place or take you on some funny journey.

For me however it can often be a very difficult time and one that is hard to find the relaxation and recharging that I am looking for without going through a process first. The length and severity of that process often varies but it is a process that happens none the less. When I go to bed I like to lay on my back at first and then usually I get a tightness or discomfort in the left side of my chest. I begin to become afraid that I am having a heart attack but so far I have not had one. I know that and know it isn’t one but the fear still creeps in every night and I can’t seem to stop it. Once I begin to feel this I flip over onto my side or stomach. I try to put the left side of my body into the bed. For some reason it makes me feel a little safer. I guess like my heart is protected and maybe not so vulnerable but I am not really sure why. After a while that passes and then the next phase begins. In this next phase I replay my day from beginning to end. I am looking for mistakes in my day or things that I could have done differently. What would the outcome have been if I did this a different way? Did I wrong someone or did someone wrong me? What did they say? What did I say? How was it said? What were the facial expressions? What were the subtleties’s of the encounter? What do they mean? Did I miss a signal? Did I give one? So on and on it goes with each person throughout my day. It also happens with events for the day. What could I have done differently or changed? I don’t so much look to see what is right in the day but more of what did I do wrong and what could I fix. When I find something I explore it to its conclusion of how it would have changed things. And then how can I make sure to not make the mistake again. Then how can I repair that situation to get a different outcome when I see this person again. It just kind of goes on and on as I explore everything to make sure it is okay. If what I did was acceptable to me then I might still explore it and make sure there was not a better way to do it. I get lost in this World and can’t sleep. On some nights I have to get out of bed and just sit and think to get the process over for me. On other nights I think I just fade off to sleep after the majors thinking is done and just smaller things are left. Often though my dreams have to do with my day and things that could go wrong because I didn’t fix them, they have been left unfixed and not perfect. I guess I sort of see these things as possibilities for someone to maybe get hurt or to see my in the wrong way. I want people to like me, to accept me and to value me. I kind of think like Lloyd (Jim Carey) in Dumb and Dumber as far as chances go. Do you remember the scene where he asks this beautiful woman if there is a chance they would hook up? She gives him an answer that says 1 in million chances. He jumps for joy because there IS a chance. It could happen and if it did he would be with her. For me it is more of if it happens then what chain of events does that set off? What damage will be done and what can I do to fix it? So if it does happen I am ready for it.

So this is what laying down to sleep is like for me. I have tried and tried to find ways to get past these things but it only seems to delay them. I have tried reading before I go to sleep to get lost and relax with a book. I have tried watching different kinds of TV shows. I have tried showers and baths. I have tried listening to music and things such as that. It is all to no avail as nothing seems to work. It may work once in awhile but there is nothing, nothing to just shut down my brain and stop the process. I have even tried to control the thoughts and think of good things. Think of tomorrow or think of the good things that happened in the day. It just does not work for me. I think I just have to work it out each night. I do get my sleep once the process has happened and some nights it isn’t that severe or long. On other nights I can toss and turn most of the night or get up and sit for hours.

I have found that not fighting it is better than fighting it. Sometimes I try to do some pre-thinking if you will and get some of it done before I try to sleep. This has been helpful and usually also allows me to clearly “fix” anything that really needs to be fixed. Almost as if I am finishing my day the way I think it should be finished and not going to bed with stuff still left to do.

If I have had something traumatic happen during the day that event becomes the major focus and is replayed over and over with this or that changed. It is almost like the move “Groundhog Day”. I do it over and do it till it works. This can be a beneficial thing and isn’t always a bad thing. Actually who said it was a bad thing in the first place? I think it is just me assuming it is a bad thing because other people don’t do it or don’t admit to doing it. That doesn’t make it bad for me does it? I am not so sure it does. Anyway, this can allow me to be very prepared in stressful situations. If something goes wrong then I am ready and have in essence already done it in my mind. In situations where people freak or pause, I am the calm in the storm. I know what do and am comfortable doing it. It is nice because I feel prepared for situations and know what I would do and know what I want to do to avoid certain situations as well. So in that sense this re-thinking at night can be a very good thing.

So I do think that even though I would like to be able to cut down the time and frequency of this and be able to relax quicker when I go to sleep that it isn’t all bad. I do not like picking apart my day though as I really can’t “fix it”. That part of it feels kind of lacking in purpose but may have been learned as a protection when I was a child. I am not sure of that but it is part of my past and wanting to prove my worth. Wanting to prove I was not a mistake to my Father. I will continue to search for the solutions to that theme from my past. I don’t mind being prepared for everything that happens but at times it is tiring thinking of all the possibilities even if they are remote. Who knows, maybe there is a way to only think about the possibilities that are most likely. Anyone got a filter we can place in my head somewhere? Sleep…. Time to try and get some…….