Making the Mountain

Making the Mountain out of the Mole Hill
 
I am sure you have heard the saying,” you are making a mountain out of a mole hill” or something very similar to it. Often people without anxiety issues or overly active brains see things differently than we do or atleast differently than I do. For them life is a bit simpler when making decisions as they tend to see it as black and white and do not travel far into the gray area or the “what if” area. Our fears or thoughts do not occur to them and when we try to explain them they are still not understood by others who are of a simpler mind. To them it is simple, just stop thinking and just do it. The “what ifs” don’t matter and do not factor into their planning or decision making as it does for me. They mean well when they say just stop or just go ahead or let it go. However, if it was that simple for me then I would have already done that and there never would have been an issue and I wouldn’t have an anxiety disorder.

So what can they do to help us through these situations? I think trying to be as comforting and as understanding as possible is a solid start. If I am having an issue with something then I am having an issue with something and you are not going to just wave a wand over me to have it go away. Nothing you say or do will make it go away any faster but you can make it worse by badgering me or pressing. You will make me more anxious and it will likely lead to no chance of me doing what we were hoping to accomplish. So just relax and if needed go do what needs to be done and leave me to sort through it. Hopefully next time will be better. Whatever you do please do not add more pressure to me as it will make it harder than it already was for me. Expectations add pressure because now I don’t want to disappoint you and now I want to do it perfectly even more so than before. It is a vicious cycle as I know you want to help but you really can’t help besides just trying to be comforting and understanding. Your life does not need to stop while I am in my anxious state. In fact your life stopping actually makes me feel even more anxious as I think of it as pressure and letting you down. So wait a reasonable amount of time and go do whatever it is or lets change plans once in awhile to something I can do without a long thought process. Do not though do this all the time as it will serve as a crutch for me. Why try to battle to get better if you will adapt to me and my needs all of the time? This is a set up for future frustration on all fronts and damage to our relationships. At some point you will get frustrated at always changing things for me or not doing what you want to do.

I know you don’t understand why I do what I do and quite frankly neither do I. Here, step inside my World for a moment and see how I make that Mountain. Let’s take a few examples and follow them through from my point of view to see where we get and what happens for me.

Example 1: A new job has been offered to me. (Lets skip the long process for the job hunt and interview !!) Okay you have told me that I am the right candidate for the job and have all the tools you are looking for in an employee. In my head I am thinking great, how am I going to live up to that !! EXPECTATION !! What if I don’t live up to that !!?? !! I don’t want to let you down and I don’t want you to think less of me. What if I don’t know something that you think I know? What if I don’t do it the way you want? What if I make a mistake? I don’t want you to regret hiring me. Man, I don’t know if I can really do this !! What am I doing here? The fear and self doubt are building here and you have only made a statement but to me in means much, much more.

So now you talk about benefits and sick time and the basic rules. So now I am thinking well do I need that benefit? Wow, I could use that because of the time twenty years ago when this happened to so and so and they didn’t have this protection. You are talking but my mind is thinking and analyzing. What if I break that rule? Man, I know I am going to break that one !! I can’t do this !! I can’t follow those rules. Man, I am going to let everyone down. Thoughts just race on by and collect waiting for me to give them their time.

So now we walk through the building and you show me what I will be doing and meet some of the other employees. Yes, smile, smile and be pleasant. I am looking at EVERYTHING and EVERYONE as we go. I am taking every little detail into consideration for later use when I can think and process all these pieces. Sure I hear you but the same filter I use for my wife is on for you now !! Key words..listen for key words.
So as meet people I am trying to figure out ally or axis of evil for each person. Trusted friend or dangerous snake to be wary of always? I don’t even know these people but their body movements and words are recorded and later taken apart.

Today is Friday and you tell I can start on Monday morning at 8am. Well for me it is a mistake for that to happen. All those thoughts that have built up over this short period of time will now be let out and get expanded upon between now and Monday. If I had started now then those thoughts won’t have the chance to be explored without having more information to add into them. If I am working today and doing the job, meeting the people then it helps erase some of the fears and destroys some of the thought process before it gets going. However, that isn’t what normally happens. I go home and the process starts from the beginning. Can I do this? Can I live up to the expectations? I didn’t like this or that when I saw it. I don’t think it is safe or it isn’t the best way to do it. I can’t work in a place like that or don’t want. All the little things that can go wrong are thought about and even though chances are small for any one thing to happen there is a chance. That can’t simply be dismissed. It can happen.

So before I know it the job is lost and I am have convinced myself that I can’t do it or don’t want to work there or something else. If by some chance I am able to get there and give it a try then all of those issues are not gone. They are there and I have just worked out solutions to each possible problem or scenario. If it comes up I am prepared for it. If I get a bad feeling or vibe then tomorrow will be just as hard to make it back for another day. Should I make it a 2nd day then a 3rd becomes more of a possibility and so forth until it is just a normal thing.

This is one simple example of how things just kind of go off in there own direction for me. What can I do to fix it or make it easier? What can you do? Lets look at another example or two and then see what possible help I can come up with for this.

Example two: Lets take something real simple that can turn into a mountain or atleast a hill when it should be something very simple. It is time to eat… what do I want? Well I could have this but if I do it may affect my stomach this way but then again it hasn’t in a long. If it did though what would I do then and will I be in a place where it is okay? If I have this though is it too many calories? Is this and that good together? Have I had too much of that lately? What will someone think if they know I have eaten that again?

How about if someone else is involved in the decision? What do they want? Will they like what I want? Will I like what they want? What if what they want might upset my stomach? Do I take the chance or do I tell them about my fear and have them think I am crazy? Will they still be my friend? Will they never want to eat with me? Can I eat that without making a mess? Without making a fool of myself? And the list goes on and on… what usually happens is that I just trust the person will make a decent choice or I quickly figure out a way out of the situation or something I am comfortable eating.

It certainly is not easy and sometimes can even bring on an anxiety attack where I just don’t feel in control. Something simple that can turn into something not so simple.

Example three: How about taking a trip? Man talk about a mountain!! Everest has nothing on this baby!! If you build it you won’t go!!

To take a trip for me is extremely hard. What if’s are a mile long and always get added to as I travel in my head on the trip. What can happen before I leave and all those scenarios to what can happen on the way to what can happen when I am there and will I be able to enjoy myself to what could cause me to not be able to make it back to the trip back and all those issues to what will be waiting for me when I return.? Wow, I am tired just writing that and not even going into deep detail. The things range from will the car break down, will the plane crash, will I forget to bring something, where are the bathrooms, what if they are out of toilet paper or are dirty, what will I eat, what about my cats, will I have fun, what if I get there and the hotel lost my reservation, or if I am staying with someone then what if they don’t really want me to visit, will they be understanding if I have an anxiety attack, and so many more questions. Questions breed questions it seems for me. Before you know it there is no possible way for me to go on a trip. I just can’t get over that mountain or jump all the hurdles I have placed in my path.


So how do you get past these things and live life? Well, there is no simple answer that I have ever come up with. Also not everything works every time. So it is best to develop a bag of tricks or fail safes to get through. I think the first step is realizing that if you can’t do something then so be it. You are still alive and maybe you can do it tomorrow or maybe somewhere down the road. What if you can never do it? So what, who cares, you will do something else. People often say you only fail if you don’t try and sure that is true but what is trying? To me I am trying if I am considering it and trying to find a solution to it. If I make a little baby step over what I did last time then hey I made progress and over time I will do it. People will tell you that you are not even trying or not even considering it. They do not get that saying that can make it worse as it causes guilt and fear to form. Who wants to have someone disappointed in them? I know I sure don’t and it isn’t my intention but sometimes I just can’t do it. So don’t be down on me as I am sure I can cover that all by myself. Look be nice to yourself if you can be and understand that progress is progress is progress no matter how small it is or may feel. Sometimes even a step backwards is progress!! How you may wonder? Well, have you ever taken the wrong route and had to turn around to get back on track? Well this can be the same thing as you search for what works for you. You may think something is working and then find out you have to take a step back and apply it in a different way now. For me some things that do help are to allow myself to process my thoughts. Okay if I am worried about bathroom than what can I do to resolve that to a point where I am reasonably comfortable? Maybe bring TP with me and find out where the bathrooms are at where I am going. Maps often have bathrooms or places where bathrooms are located on them. If that works than great and if it doesn’t this time then so be it as maybe it will next time or maybe I will come up with something different that will work. How about things like food? Well what if I try certain things at home? If I can tolerate it here then it is more likely I can try it somewhere else or will be willing to try it. Try anything that gets you a little taste or what the situation may be like or eliminates some of the fears. It doesn’t have to happen all at once and maybe it even needs to be repeated before you move to another step. That mountain is tall and it is going to take time to get up it. Give yourself that time and take those baby steps when you can and before you know it you will be moving up that mountain and eventually you will reach the top. Then time for the next mountain.