Refreshed at the Bowl

Refreshed at the Bowl
By
Lloyd W. Alexander

Sometimes in life you hit little down turns or spots where looking up and looking forward is hard to do for a little while. You feel a little blue or down in the dumps or maybe just off a little and can’t seem to shake it. That is exactly where I had been lately and was frustrated by it to the point that my daily motivation was simply fading. I tried to find the way out and shake it off but I simply could not do it. I was down but never out.

I had planned to hike this week but the days slipped past me despite the nice weather. Monday came and went as did Tuesday. Before I knew it my week was passing and I was just watching it all. I decided Tuesday night I was going to hike on Wednesday and at least go to Tuckerman’s Ravine but maybe even push to try the summit of Washington itself. Those were certainly some very ambitious thoughts for a man who was lucky if he could find his way to the local gym over the last few weeks. As it became later and later on Tuesday night I was finding myself anxious and unable to sleep. Not uncommon for me as my anxiety often keeps me awake at night. It seemed though that every time I closed my eyes and drifted off that my thoughts would drift to bears and more bears and encounters with bears. See I fear bears despite the fact I know it is very unlikely to meet one and even more unlikely to get attacked by one. I closed my eyes and there they were waiting for me. So this really didn’t add to a good feeling about hiking on Wednesday for me. I awoke early but just could not shake that tired and unmotivated feeling. I told myself I would just get going and yet I didn’t get going anywhere but back to bed. Eventually when my eyes opened again it was getting late in the morning and a summit attempt was out of the cards but I suspect it was never in the cards for this day anyway. So I rolled out of bed and grabbed my already packed gear. I lugged it to my Explorer and headed off from Portland towards New Hampshire’s playgrounds in the White Mountain National Forest.

The drive is fairly long but I enjoy the ride as I am able to see many summits that I have done in my progression over the year. It is also a route that does not cause me any additional anxiety which is a large plus for me. Today though my anxiety wishes to battle me the whole trip with doubts about my ability to hike at all despite the passing mountains that I have hiked right in front of me. I find reasons why these mountains were easy and why this hike up Tuckerman’s won’t be easy for me. I question my desire, I question my strength, and I question my heart. I drive on despite the questioning and building anxiety. I thought that maybe I should just turn around but I kept my foot on the gas and kept going forward. Standish, Steep Falls, Baldwin, and Hiram all behind me now and Brownfield just around the corner. My stomach tightens as I am sure it is going to explode on me. I calm myself and it begins to ease a little as I hit Fryeburg. As I leave Maine I can feel the pull of the Mountains beginning to get stronger. My anxiety begins to ease and a smile comes over my face as I catch a glimpse of Washington before me. It strikes me as odd now when I think of it as why would Mount Washington bring a smile to my face? It is home to some of the worst weather in the World and is the highest peak in the Northeast. Yet despite the challenges or maybe because of the challenges that the “rock pile” has for me it is a goal of mine. It is something I have been working towards methodically over a year now. I smile every time that I see it and I always look for it. I am drawn to it. I feel it calls me towards it. Is this a call of come enjoy me or is it a challenge to my very being? To my character? To my anxiety?

I turn into the Pinkham Notch Center and find a spot to park. I get out and feel the warmth of the air even at 2,000 feet. I was surprised. I head inside and ask what the trail conditions are and other questions. I think to ease my mind but maybe I was hoping for some reason not to go and hoping he could justify this for me. Maybe a bear sighting? Something? Nope, in fact he tells me to leave my snowshoes behind and bare boot to the top. So my excuses are gone and now I am headed up the trail. My new pack feels good and God knows I have it full of everything. I am sure I have way too much but I am a rookie and would rather be over prepared rather than under prepared. If the mountain challenges me then I want to be ready for that challenge but there is also no doubt that this hike will be made harder by a 35-40lb pack. I quickly make it to Crystal Cascades and am amazed at the cold air coming from the water. I stand for a few moments admiring the power of the running water. I wonder where it all comes from anyway. The water just goes and goes and goes.

I pass a couple who are in from out West and are on their way to ski Tuck’s. I smile and move on but think they are crazy. And who knows maybe I am crazy for not wanting to ski it too but I doubt it. I keep plugging away. Step after step the energy drains away. Sweat is dripping from my head and my shirt is becoming soaked. I have a habit of asking anyone I see how far it is to the top and I must say that you never get a true answer or even a consistent answer. I am not sure why but that is just how people seem to be when they are coming down and you are going up. Is it to not discourage you or is it to laugh at me because I am sweating already? I don’t really know but I do wonder. I am a big man and I sweat easy. I always have and probably always will do so. I keep going and pass a woman and her dog. The dog is thoroughly enjoying himself. I think maybe I should try walking on my hands and feet to see if it makes the hike better. I wonder if maybe the dog lacks the same perspective as I have by standing upright or maybe his weight is dispersed better by having four legs instead of a mere two. Step after step I continue but I soon need a break. I find a rock and relax for a bit. I sip some water and have a granola bar. Soon the woman and the dog catch me. They stop and we chit chat for a little bit which was a welcomed break. In the conversation we discovered that not only were we both from Portland but also from the same neighborhood and only a couple streets apart. A very small World indeed!!

We continue our conversation as we move up the trail. It was awesome to have someone to chit chat with and deflect my anxiety. I also struggle with pacing myself when I am alone. I have nobody to talk too so there is no thought to keeping a pace at which I can talk. I just go and go till I can’t go and HAVE to stop for a rest. So as we walked and talked the trip was more enjoyable. I could still feel the mountain draining me though. Every step took its toll on my body and my soul. Higher and higher we went only stopping briefly. Soon we made it to the Hermit Lake area and she encouraged me to join her to the floor of the ravine. She told me it was worth the extra effort. I wasn’t sure I believed her but I also knew that I wanted to see the ravine as close as I could and right now I had a guide. After a rest with many others at HoJo’s it was time for the last push. My water was getting low but the pump to fill it was frozen. So my anxiety jumped back to the fore front and with each step I wondered if I should turn around. There was so much running water around that I had to believe I could find some and use my new water filter to get some fresh water of this mountain. We kept going and the stairs to the floor were drawing the strength quickly from my body. Each step the mountain was pulling and taking from me. I battled on and was thankful for her encouragement. Plus that damn dog was able to do it with ease. I couldn’t let him make it and not me. Lol

Soon the path opened and the “bowl” was before me. It was a fascinating site and with each step the ants became people. Soon we found a large boulder that we decided to sit and enjoy the view for awhile. There were others to talk with and plenty going on to watch. I tried to step on the rock and the mountain decided to try and swallow me right then and there. I sank up to my waste in the softened snow. It felt good but surprised me. I asked if there was running water that would be easy to get too but nobody knew of any. I was offered water but I wanted to be self sufficient or maybe I was just too proud or maybe too stupid to take some. One of the guys leaving spotted some running water and told me where it was so I could get some to refill my camel bak. I dug out my filter and headed for this new experience.

Getting to the water was kind of tricky as it was under a little brush. I had not used the pump before but tried it and got it working quickly. I filled my pack and moved back to the rock. I looked around me and just felt at ease all of the sudden. I drank some of the very cold water and I felt as if it were not only replenishing me with water but replenishing me with a new strength and resolve. My dreary mood had faded from me and was replaced with a feeling of happiness and satisfaction. The mountain had taken it all away on with every step it required to get up here and it was the extra steps encouraged by my hiking companion and that crazy dog that gave me that added boost to get to where I needed to be. I felt like this was where I was meant to be and needed to be in my life at that very moment. I was at ease and at peace. I was watching crazy people ski Tuckerman’s high ravine walls and for once had no worries racing through my mind. The mountain had taken these away from me. I was tired when I walked into the bowl. I must say that I left knowing I had been refreshed at the bowl.