A long trip alone...........

A long trip alone….. (Mt Jackson and Pierce)

I set out early with no truly set mountain in mind but as I was driving from Portland the mountains ahead of me and the reports I had read came to me. I paged through them in my mind and decided finally on Mount Jackson as it would add a 4K and the view sounded great as it had Washington and Crawford Notch visible. It also left open the possibility of adding another summit as well.

I pulled into the parking spot near the top of the Notch off of rte 302 and began to get my stuff together. I am beginning to think I need a list for this stuff before I leave for the trails. I usually seem to forget something when I leave and this time was no different. It isn’t because I don’t bring things on the drive but rather my anxiety has built up and I am anxious to just get started so my mind is a bit clouded. So this time I forgot the two sandwiches I had packed. I had a few Cliff Bars and a granola bar with me BUT that isn’t really enough for a full day.

I headed up the Webster-Jackson trail and was motoring along happily. I stopped at the Bugle Cliff overlook and was surprised how high it was and how quickly I had been able to get there. Off I went on the trail which was a little muddy and wet but not too bad. I was not slipping or anything like that but just as always had to be careful. I had my hiking poles out and that helps with stability in stuff like this for me. Going over roots and rocks and what not is just how it goes on the trails more times than not. As I went on and on it seemed the trail became rougher or maybe it was actually just becoming tougher. My pace started to slow and I made sure of my steps. I passed two groups of hikers. One two younger men and one two older men that were heading down towards route 302. It was about a 1/3 in that I met the younger guys and brief hello was exchanged as they kept moving and so did I. The older gentlemen I met about half way to the top and they chatted with me for awhile. The said they had stayed at the Mizpah Hut the night before and were surprised to see someone coming up this trail. They said they went up Crawford and over to here because this trail gets harder with each step and at the end it is a tough climb up not a walk. I am sure that my mind made a nice mental note of this for later in my hike. They went down and I went up.

As the trail wound this way and that it became a little steeper and then a little steeper. I was becoming tired and was hungry. So I stopped and looked for my sandwich and to my surprise I did not have it with me. This quickly sent my mind racing and the anxiety level building. I ate a Cliff Bar and had some water before beginning my trek again. It was not long before my mind started to question if I would have enough to eat and what about my diabetes and this and that and that and this it began. The fatigue I felt from hiking only gets enhanced by my mind. So I doubted I could make it to the summit and soon I even doubted if I liked hiking. I know better than that but the mind is a powerful thing and in my case it is like a devil when the anxiety gets going on me. Almost like I am prison and this is the sentence but I am not even sure of the crime. I kept moving on and even though the pace was slower the steps kept coming. I figure if I sit still my mind will defeat me and I do not want to let that happen. It rages on inside my head and calls in to question everything about me which often makes me feel really sad. I know it is the anxiety and that this hike is something I CAN AND WANT to do. I keep moving but pauses sneak in as I am tired. Am I tired physically or mentally? Or is it a combination? I tell myself it is a combination and I can go on.

Eventually I reach a little flat section near the top and hustle along it with the belief that if I scurry on these easy sections that it is many more steps behind me. More power to me and less to the anxiety. Finally I am plain out of breath. I bend at the waist and clutch my hiking poles. Sweat drips from my face and from my arms. Yet there is a chill coming over me from the strong breeze blowing today. My mind seizes the opportunity and tells me all the worst things that can happen if I go onward. I walk a little further and stop again. The battle is at its height. I step further and reach the spot where you have to climb more than walk up the mountain. I look at my GPS and remember what the older men had said about this part. Can I do this? Do I have enough left in the tank? Am I as defeated as I feel? How do I go on? Many, many thoughts and questions surge into my mind blocking out all other thoughts and with it the chance to answer them with reality. Anxiety is my devil and it is here before me, it is here within me.

I sit at the base of the last push to the summit with my head in my hands. Sweat is dripping off of me and despite being in a nook out of the breeze I feel cold outside AND inside. I feel fear and trepidation. Can I go up safely? Can I go down safely? I am near being frozen in place with pure anxiety. I feel like I am going to cry. I am shaking and maybe some of it was from the cold but most of it was just from my anxiety. It was the turning point of the battle as I needed to find a way to move. One way I win and one way I lose. I close my eyes tight and then look to the rock before me. I do not look up. I do not look down. I look before me and deal with that very moment. That very second that matters right now. Nothing else. I refuse to feel. I refuse to fear. I refuse everything. I allow no thoughts. Just focus.

Hand and foot slowly I make my way up and up. I pause and feel anxiety trying to make me stop. I don’t but now I look upward and I can see the summit area not far. It gives me a surge and I power through this last part. It is windy here and I find a place to sit out of the wind. I am exhausted now. I drink some water and close my eyes. I open them and above me landed a gray jay. It was a good sign and brought a smile to my face. I wanted to see one and wanted to feed them but this one only paused before flying on. I guess maybe he knew I needed what little food I had more than he did right now. I take things out and put on my windbreaker which immediately cuts down the chilly feeling. I drink more water and eat another Cliff Bar. I stand and look around the summit. I take pictures and then start to decide where to go next. I can see the Mizpah Hut off in the distance and while it is only a white spec I know it isn’t too far away. So down where I came from or off in a new direction. I know the Crawford Path from a previous hike and know it is much friendlier to hike than the Webster-Jackson. I head towards the hut. Gettign down off the summit proved to be a little easier on the other side but not a lot. Once down the though the path was pretty level and certainly not a lot of gain or drop in elevation.

I made real good time and enjoyed the birds around me. I “post holed” in a bog up to my knees. A plank was missing. It didn’t really upset me as my anxiety was gone for now. As the trail wore on my anxiety began to creep back to me with wonder of how far is it and what do I have left? Did I take a wrong turn even though there were no other trails? It just began but soon enough I was at Mizpah and rested for awhile. I filled up my water bottle and then filled it again. I ate a cookie or two and chatted with a couple of thru-hikers. Inspired by them I joined them going over Pierce to Crawford Path were we separated ways. On the way up Pierce though I struggled as now I was physically tied from my hike. Mostly due to the lack of food rather than my physical state. I am some weight to lose in the belly but I am athletic and always have been throughout my life. The battle of mind was also a draining experience. More pictures and then down Crawford.

Crawford was just as I expected as far as footing and length. That is not to say it isn’t a trail and that it isn’t work to hike it. You always have to pay attention as rocks move sometimes when you step on them and roots always seem to be ready to grab your feet. I was doing well and then it started to get darker. My biggest fear crept into my mind and that is the fear of bears. I decided I would just kind of be noisy and kept on going.

Finally I made it to 302 and then hiked back to my Explorer. I ate my sandwich and filled up on water before heading home.

These hikes are long trips alone for me. Yes, like the song they are over sand and stone but for me they are much more. I am alone but I am never truly alone. My devil waits for me and seizes every chance to make things harder. I am proud of myself for making it and keeping with it. It just does not have to be this hard and the anxiety will be beaten. Eventually I hope to hike with others and not be alone. Two minds are better than one and for me I truly believe it will be the case on the trails.

A long trip alone…….but I made it.