Piercing Four Thousand

Piercing Four Thousand


I had wanted to hike again but had my doubts as to when it would actually happen. I was itching to shake my blues and head for the summit of something. I needed to get out but fear had set in again. Fear of making the trip and fear of the mountain and fear of everything really. As more time passed the fears dug deeper and deeper within me. I decided to go for a drive and since I pretty much always take some hiking stuff with me I was set incase I had a change of heart. I wanted to go see if I could find a moose to take pictures of or something. I drove towards the mountains and thought that maybe I would just head towards Grafton Notch but I instead found myself on the familiar route to the White Mountains and then on the route to Crawford Notch. Once in the notch I thought I would just drive through but then the pull became stronger. I decided to go look at the trailhead and see what it looked like at the very least. Soon I found myself heading up the trail and expecting to come back down after finding conditions not to my liking. I kept looking for excuses but could not find any of them that day. I ran into many other hikers who were very nice and friendly. It helped to ease my mind and keep me going forward. I was not battling the fears or the anxiety as I was just “out for a walk” in the woods. It was almost fun for me. A smile lurked beneath the outer surface. I know it was there but did not know how to let it on out. I kept going and meeting new people while “chatting” it up as we went higher and higher. Finally there was a divide and my route went to the left while most others were going to the right. So finally on my own I knew that it would be only a matter of time before the anxiety set in again. I wanted to make it to the top before it set in and I was determined to do so as I talked myself forward. No fears came to me as I walked forward but a sense of calm and peacefulness that I search for often found me. I walked in a relaxed pace. No hurry to get there and no fear of not getting there or anywhere. Just me and the trail, just me and the birds, me and the woodpeckers, the trees, the snow, and the blue skies. No me and anxiety!!! Walk on good man…walk forward to where you have never been!! I looked to my right and there was something walking beside me in the woods. It was a big bird… a turkey? No not a turkey but something else. I wasn’t sure what it was but for 75 yards or more the bird walked beside me just off the trail in the underbrush. I was not walking alone!! In a strange way it was very peaceful to walk with a bird. Finally the alpine zone appeared before me and I knew I was close as views began to appear before me. Soon the top was insight and off I was to the summit. I had reached the 4,312 foot summit of Mount Pierce. My first 4k and my first peace of mind in a long while too. It was warm and there was no wind at the top. I savored my accomplishment and the beauty around me. A post card right in front of my eyes!! I wish I was not alone on top but in some ways I was not alone as my heart was full of happiness.

Soon it was time to go back down and that is where the anxiety came to me. It snuck right up really as I was not expecting it. Normally for me going down is easy and there is no anxiety. That was not the case on this trip though. Was it hiding all this time? Was it because now I was alone and vulnerable to my own mind? Was it because my legs were tired and the snow slippery? I just do not know but with each step lower and lower I went and the peace seemed to be further and further away. I reached my Explorer and sat in the drivers’ seat not ready to leave. I stayed for awhile and felt the sadness cover me like a glove on a hand, fitting comfortably.  I saw the clouds rolling in and I decided to head home knowing that I was still in my slump but I also knew that it felt great to find the peace at the top. I made it to the summit of a 4k which brings me closer to my goal of Mount Washington and it’s 6k plus summit. I will get there and hopefully peace will be walking with me as my friend instead of something I am searching for on the trails.