Stumble

Stumble

Sometimes I stumble before I even get to moving. I don’t even need to take a single step or make a single move and I have already stumbled. I already found the stumbling block. I often ask myself how this can happen to me, especially if I know it is going to happen. I feel like I should be able to stop it or find a way around the road block or stumble that is right in front of me. I have tried to find ways around it, but for some reason, on most occasions, I just can’t. I have had some success but I can’t seem to find the magic key to allow me to just zoom on forward. Here are a couple stumbles.

I wanted to hike a mountain called South Moat in Albany, New Hampshire. I had read about the views and the trail. I knew I could handle the typical pre-hike jitters and the anxiety I would feel on the way to the mountain and up the mountain. I had faced these demons before and have made it past them many times now. It isn’t always easy, but I am confident in that if I persevere that I will find my way past them and to the goal of the summit. I know I can and that makes a world of difference. The demons come and the anxiety builds but I can work past it and somehow keep the anxiety just short of an attack. Just short of ruining the momentum to go forward and persevere. So I felt good and ready to hike South Moat until I read about a bear that had been seen there on those trails. I stumbled, but eventually found my way around all of that as you can read in “To Moat or Not to Moat”.

Sometimes though it is like I am frozen in place and I can see everything before me. The goal keeps getting further and further away as it moves from me. I am moving the goal away from me, but I never seem to realize that at the time. I am looking at the pieces or steps to get to that goal and I am adding road blocks to them. Expanding each one and examine it in minute detail. Looking for the flaw and looking for the obstacle that will hold me up. As I do this the goal gets away from me and I am now stuck not being able to see it any longer. I am stuck looking at the mess that is now before me. One steps has now become many steps and I have yet to even move. I am frozen, frozen right in place with anxiety and fear. A panic attack looms usually and there is no short circuiting it. I feel overwhelmed and want to hide but I am frozen. I can’t even hide and must feel the fears. They overwhelm me and I can’t stop it. The World closes around me until I feel like I explode and then I am so tired, so worn out. I just simply retreat to my calm place or curl up in a ball with the World further away from me. Eventually I begin to realize I am going to make it through this event and then I have to find a way to regroup. The questions begin so I can just “clean up” the mess I must have made by having an attack. Did I offend anyone? Did I let anyone down? Did this or did I that? On and on as I go through the process of trying to figure it all out BEFORE I CAN BEGIN AGAIN.

It is kind of funny as I know others who do not have these issues or something similar are likely wondering what the heck I am talking about. However, I know those who know what I mean, really know. How can I explain to you? How can I make you understand? I know I am six foot tall and athletic, intelligent and well rounded, liked by anyone who meets me, and good at what I do. I hear you tell me and sure sometimes I feel it too. However, none of that can even begin to compete with a mind that has triggers that I do not even understand. I know you have so many perfect suggestions of how you would get beyond what I tell you I suffer from and yet it just does not matter. You simply can’t understand me. You can try and I am sure you will but you simply can’t understand me. Do you hear me? I am not sure I want you to even try to understand me. Just accept me and know that I don’t want to let you or anyone down. In part, it is that very fear that stirs some of the anxiety cocktail that is within me. I think of everything rather I want to or not. I don’t have a choice on most things and it is a road I just must go down. You though, you can’t help me. You can’t guide me. You don’t understand me and you know what…. you can’t.

So just be supportive of me and let me be. Do not try to fix me or give me advice. Just tell me you will be there and no matter what you will still be there tomorrow. If there is doubt in your voice or in your heart, I will know. I am very good at reading into things and will see even a hint of things as a sign of things. It is the way that I am.

Sometimes as I am frozen and see the World getting too big for me I wish I could just close my eyes till it went away. Sometimes I wish it would freeze all of me and make me numb. For I seem to feel it all. I feel it all right to my very core and yet I truly wouldn’t change that part of it.