Anxiousness clouds Happiness

Anxiousness clouds Happiness


My wife sends me an email and reminds me this morning of all the things I have done in the last week.

“The race, hiking, dinner at DiMillo's, steve spending the night, out w/ my aunt, lunch w/my aunt, visiting my friends. “

She tells me I should be proud of these accomplishments but my thoughts are not of being proud or seeing anything as an accomplishment. In some ways that right there makes me sad and tells me something isn’t right.

My thoughts are of what each situation meant for me in terms of anxiety and what I had to do to get through them. Not how I enjoyed them but how possible enjoyment was affected by anxious thoughts or moments.

It obviously does not take but a moment for my mind to head down the path it knows so well. That path leads me to look for flaws in my performance that can be perfected or should not be repeated. The success of doing any of these things is over ridden right out of the gate by the fact that I know they were not done easily and that enjoyment was tarnished by anxiety.

Each one differently……

The race: Medicine times three helped there but I still had moments of panic to the point I wanted to run away. I didn’t but is that the medicine alone or some strength from within? I simply won’t know. There were so many people and with the medicine dulling things I kind of was just there at times. So I wonder how much of an accomplishment it was because of that. I do know I was there and I made it through with some enjoyment.

Hiking: I enjoyed this but only because it remained on my terms. I am comfortable in the area I went and that plays a part in it. I drove my own Explorer which helps. I was confident I could do the hike. I know I feel free in the mountains. I know I can battle my anxiety there and win. All of this though can be fickle as I know by the simple fact that her Dad wanted to hike closer to Sanford which set my anxiety off and running. I said I would not go and began to go into my shell where it just doesn’t matter what anyone thinks but only how I can get out of the situation. I turtle up and say forget me because I am not interested anymore. My anxiety just shuts me down. Shuts me off. Luckily they went where I needed to go or else it would not have happened.

DiMillo’s: I truly wish I had taken medicine for this event. I ended up with an upset stomach. I t could have been the food but I am willing to bet it was my anxiety. I sat and pretended to listen to conversations and added a little here or there but my mind was truly busy elsewhere. I wanted the food to come quickly. I wanted to devour it and go. I could not stop thinking how her parents like to drive and see things which I completely understand. After all they were visiting from out of State. I could not handle it though because I would not know the path and I would not have control. What if I felt sick? Needed to use the bathroom? Or a million other things. I was out of my comfort zone. I said I needed to go home and I did to regain control of myself. Cut the corner on a panic attack. So yes I went to eat and I was physically there but my mind was busy with other problems. I wish I could sit and just enjoy the meal.

Steve staying the night: I really had no problem with this one at all. My only concerns were my mean male hating cat, Magic. Once I determined it would not change despite Steve being nice to the cat then I just made the decision for him to sleep in the bedroom and we would sleep in the living room. With the bedroom door shut he would be safe and the situation rendered void.

Out with her Aunt and Lobster Shack: The driving and showing her Aunt was something I was in control of and thus made it much easier. I of course wonder what people think of my driving, of what I say, of how I look and that takes away fro m the fun. I know Portland though and the surrounding area well enough to entertain as a tour guide. My mind busy trying to find facts to share and interesting tidbits of useless information. I always could opt out and let the two of them go alone. It was my safety net and I have done it before. The Lobster Shack part of the deal just worked out my way or I would have had a situation. I would not have been able to eat inside of the small building. I let Michelle order and went to sit on the rocks so I could just look at the ocean and not think of anything else. It was nice enough that we ate outside and my anxiety handled that just fine.

Visiting friends: I did it but I wasn’t comfortable with it. I also never committed to doing it. I said lets take a drive and maybe we will swing on past. Thus no expectations and I get to drive there my way and on my schedule. So is that a success? Maybe but when I was there I just kept thinking and thinking. Wondering what they were thinking, was I acting ok? Was I saying anything wrong? Did I hug to short? Too long? On and on……

So yes I sure did a lot of things and I am alive at the end of all of it. I have just didn’t enjoy it like I am sure others can enjoy these things and they are followed by so many questions afterwards. I get tired of thinking and tired of re thinking. I replay it all and sometime sit is just a loop until I know there was no other way. It is just so tiring.