Their Eyes Are Upon ME!!

Their Eyes Are Upon ME!!
 
Ever felt like you were being watched? That every move you made was being judged? Each step, each movement s viewed under society’s microscope? That out of a crowd YOU, yes YOU are the one that stands out?
 
I think almost everyone has felt this way atleast once in their life. Some relish the spotlight and are drawn to it while others wilt in that very same spotlight. However, I am not talking about actually being there but just feeling like you are there and as a result it hinder your movements. You decide that you will preview each move you make or what you are going to do based on what you believe society is going to think. Now with anxiety disorders added tot his it can be disabling. Fear locking you into place as the eyes fall upon you. Are they really looking at me? I am sure they are not but that is easy to say now in the safety of my own home. In my safe place where the only ones that look at me are a couple cats and well they are cats. They depend on me so I have the upper hand in that relationship. Society however doesn’t owe me anything and rather or I have the upper hand is up for debate with each situation I encounter out in the World. I can tell you though that I have been locked behind the fear of being watched like an animal in a cage or as part of some experiment. I wilt under the perceived pressure.
 
Fears have hindered me in many areas but I have begun to break through in others. There are successes and failures that still yet haunt me. I know I am no different in a crowd than any of you reading this are any different in a crowd. I don’t stand out and in fact I probably blend in better as I try to be a chameleon. Can’t see me if I blend in now can you. Do I lose myself if I blend in? I do, and that is part of the problem and that loss equals a loss of self confidence. A loss in feeling like I have control over the issue and right back to thinking you all are looking at me. I don’t have this happen every time I am somewhere and can overcome it or hide it sometimes as well. For example, driving the Zamboni at a hockey game in front of say a 800 people was a cause for concern but I put on my smiley face and played the part to get through. My mind always raced with scenarios of embarrassments. Many, many possibilities and yet so few sure answers for all of those possibilities. I would never be able to complete my checklist before having to do another ice make. So it was time to act and just be, not to feel the fear. I would avoid looking up but if I did the painted on smile was there for you to see and so was a projected self confidence. I would wave to the children as that is what they wanted. I made it through it each and everytime. Hoping upon hope that it was the machine and not the driver whom they were looking at. What else though is there on the ice during between ice makes at your local arena? Nothing, the ice resurfacer and the driver. It was my spotlight and I hammed it up if I had too, I didn’t openly wilt. Despite many ice makes a day that were flawless; the nervousness, the preparedness, and anticipation were ever present for me. Put me on a sports field and well, I want you to watch me. I never think about it at all and just play hard. I think the biggest part in why that is okay for me and comes with no anxiety even knowing eyes are upon me is that I exude confidence in those situations. I am more likely to fail at a sport than I ever was driving that zamboni but the zamboni was a million times harder for me.
 
Things like the mall are tough on me and I am in and out as I know what and where. I am getting better with that now though, much better. I can actually browse and see different things. Are you watching me? I am beginning not to care because you are no different then me. Skinnier, taller, more muscular, fatter, shorter, weak, pimple faced, or GQ…….. you are begging not to matter to me. Look if you want because you are no better than me and do not matter in my life. Five minutes from now you will no longer exist to me after this encounter. So if I give you something petty to talk about or laugh about then so be it as maybe now my eyes are upon you!!
 
Trying to go to classes at the college has been a nightmare for me, a living breathing in my face nightmare. A hell on Earth if you will and I have struggled with it mightily with each new semester. I have not beat that demon as of yet. I made it once, their eyes were upon me and I didn’t make it twice. I am old enough to be some of these fellow students Dad’s. What do I have in common with them? I stuck out like a sore thumb with a bunch of young girls being the only male in the class. They were my peers but how could they be as they even speak a language that is foreign to me with words shortened and cut up as if in Morse code. If I needed to use the rest room would they notice? If I answered wrong would they think I am a dumb old man? I just couldn’t seem to slide past on this one put on the fake smile either. I enjoy learning and could offer my life experience to the freshness of their inexperience, if I was only sure that their eyes were NOT upon me.
 
Any day know I will find the unlock code tot his problem. I know that in a crowd I do not stick out and even in the class room where I do stick out, what does it matter? Should I care what you think of me? Who are you to me? In the end it is likely your eyes are not even upon me and maybe you too are worried that eyes are upon you!!