To Moat or Not to Moat: That is the question!!!

To Moat or Not to Moat: That is the question!!!
by
Lloyd W. Alexander
 
I awoke today knowing that I wanted to hike and hoping that I would hike. I had not been yet in the New Year of 2007 and was eager to get my first hike in. Yes, it was only January 3rd but to me it was like a burden or weight building on my shoulders that I had not yet put foot to trail. My mind works in mysterious ways and it was going about making a mountain out of a mole hill with this thought. The only way to take care of it would be to hike and not just a simple bread crumb of a hike but something with some meat and bones to it. A few hikes ran through my mind as ones that I wanted to challenge myself with sooner rather than alter. Scouring the internet and reading books to try too find what trails or hikes made sense during the winter months. I knew it had not been much of a winter yet but it was still likely to be snowy, icy, and cold at the top of most if not all of the mountains. So what could I do safely as that was something I had to take into account and knew that my mind would cover every aspect of the trail? Everything from if I got hurt would someone else be along the trail soon to help me to what kind of wildlife , i.e. a bear, would I run into and if I did what would I do. I had to cover these things each time I want to hike and there just seems to be no way around it for me.
I basically just go through the checklist to ease my mind and hopefully to lessen my anxiety which I also know is part of the deal for me to hike as well. In fact, the anxiety is simply part of my life.
 
So where could I go and what could I do? I looked at this trail and at that trail but found myself coming back to one trail over and over. It was to be my destination for this day. It was loaded with reasons for me to fail as well. I would summit South Moat Mountain in Albany, New Hampshire. The drive was close to one and a half hours from home and to a place I had never been to before which would add to my anxiousness as the unknown always does add to it immensely. This trail has been on my list for a little while and I wanted to hike to the summit about a month ago. I was doing my normal pre-reading and investigation of the hike. I was figuring out what to expect for terrain and elevation gain and condition of the trail and wildlife. I came across a review that stopped me cold and made my heart race. All the trail notes I have read to this point for any hike never mentioned my biggest trail fear as an actual part of the hike. The notes mentioned a couple who had seen a bear in the col between the South summit and the Middle summit. They watched the bear eating berries before moving along the trail towards the Middle summit. This quickly made me decide to change my mind on hiking this trail back when I first looked at it. I knew the and still know the likelihood of me running into a bear is slim and the chances of that becoming a bad situation are ever more slim. I researched before how black bears act and when the last attacks or incidents were and where. I was comfortable with the numbers and in fact I have seen 3 moose, 1 deer, and 1 porcupine on my hikes thus far. There are actually more incidents with people and moose but for some reason I do not really fear moose like I do bears. I would guess it is because bears bite and I am not so sure moose do. Add in the claws to hooves thing as well and well, I fear bears. Simple and I freely admit it. I take as many precautions as I can just incase I am unlucky enough to be in the wrong place at the right time with a bear. I have knife, an air horn (also serves as safety if I am lost), and a pepper spray. I carry these things in the woods but not on the streets on Portland where I am far more likely to get mugged. I am not afraid of the city or muggers I guess but I am of bears. So this little discovery on the trail report was just something that automatically made me set aside the Moats from my list.
 
However, my mind really doesn’t let these things go as it feels like failure and I can’t stand that in my life as it is also a fear of mine. I fear failing and that fear has kept me from actually doing things in the past. If I could fail then I wouldn’t do it because then I couldn’t fail. That was some flawed thinking right there and as Dr. Phil would say “stinkin thinking.” I knew that but I just could not get around it no matter what I decided to try. Now I have found ways to realize that not trying I in fact the ultimate failure. If I do not try something then I have failed to give myself the chance to succeed. I have failed to give myself the chance to learn. So now I try things that I never would have tried before and have also begun to learn how to set my sites on different levels of goals to make things much more attainable. There is a positive in just trying and that is something to remember. To try is not to fail and to try is to learn. Learning is to live and living is not being idle. So forward I must go and this trip was a move forward. It was a move to battle a fear directly, face to face. Go where the bear had been seen and hike, make it to the top. So the bear would be a major thought in my mind and an obstacle. The question was would I be able to battle the obstacle and defeat it. Face the fear and move towards it or would I feel the fear and turn from it? The anxiety would build around this and more things would definitely get sucked into the spiraling storm that was brewing. The unknown destination, the condition of the trail, and many other factors would add up to a point where an anxiety attack was on the verge of explosion. I had to go to the edge though to get to the fear.
 
I decided today would be the day to head to South Moat. I loaded everything up and off I went towards the mountain. I drove along a road that has become common to me and I felt safety in that route. I worried though about my Explorer and the brakes or any little noise I could imagine it was making could lead to a breakdown. I passed other mountains I had done on this route such as Burnt Meadow and Cutler. The shadow of my first hike was also close by in Pleasant Mountain. The success of these trips began to give me more courage and then a view of the White Mountains and their snow covered peaks gave me a sense of excitement as I wanted to be there to see it with my own eyes up close again. There is nothing like the view from the top after you have earned it for yourself. So halfway there anxiety changes to excitement!!!
 
I see the Moats before and am very close. I pull into the parking lot and as I get ready for the hike a woman and her dog approach me. I talk with her and she mentions bears that have been in the area recently. My heart now feels like it wants to explode. I almost want to laugh because I am so nervous but I hold it in and take my time getting ready as my mind races around the idea of actually running into a bear. How can I get past this anxiety attack that is coming upon me now? Inside I just want to turn and go home. Flee from the possibility and chalk it up to safety and a smart choice for myself. However, another part of me is begging just to begin on the trail and see how a few steps feel to me. Against my hearts desires I begin to take those steps on the trail. Before long the steps begin to flow easier and easier as I feel terrain begin to climb towards a summit. I want to reach it now that I have begun the trek towards it. The trail twists upwards as the slush becomes harder as I get higher it freezes and becomes ice. I am looking for trail markers and can not seem to find any anymore. I walk what looks like a trail to me but realize it isn’t a human trail but rather an animal trail. I decide it is likely a deer trail but that for now it is my trail. I reach the top of this trail and am on a ridge. I decide to look at my GPS and then followed it to the trail which joins the ridge in a different place. I can tell you that I was a little nervous when I realized I was off the trail but I also trusted my GPS to get me back on the trail too. If it had failed or I had not had it with me then I am sure I would have been facing an anxiety attack. Trusting a little piece of equipment with my life for some reason does not bother me and it has not let me down in the almost two years I have used it. In fact it has been the biggest tool in my arsenal of battling anxiety as it gives me apiece of mind that no person or no self talk can give me. I know I won’t get lost and it can tell me how to get home, how long till I get home, and where everything I could possibly need is located. My GPS is invaluable to me.
 
So as I near the top I am tired and have had enough. My mind races with what will happen now if I get hurt because I am tired or what if I run into the damn bear now. I am too tired!! So many little what ifs come into my mind now that the anxiety is making me doubt myself. I want to turn around and go back down the trail to the parking lot. Then get in my Explorer and drive home to my safe spot. I battle and battle with myself but keep placing a foot in front of the other as I push upward. My mind is trying to win but I am winning with each step. Finally I am too a point where I can see the summit and my GPS tells me how many minutes to the top. I keep moving and glancing at the time as I try to make it go faster and tell myself 15 minutes is nothing, ten minutes is less, 5 to go and you can’t give up now. My mind tells me each step up is another step away from home. It is another slippery and dangerous step back down and I could get hurt. It is yet another step towards being tired and throwing the balance of safety to injury in the wrong direction.
 
 
I get to the summit and boy isn’t the view just amazing. It is cold so I zip up and add gloves. I am soaking in the views of 360 degrees of awesomeness. Then I remember the bear and see the very col where it was seen some months back. Of course I know it isn’t right there but I scour the scene before me just looking for it. My tired mind wants to find this scary situation and my anxiety begs for me to turn and run back to the parking lot. Get out of here while the getting is good. I try to tell myself that it just isn’t realistic and then go through the process of convincing myself with the facts I know from my reading and the facts of what I had just seen or not seen on the trail. There was no bear scat and no bear tracks. In fact there were only deer tracks on or near the trail. So I calm myself and begin my descent. The trip down was tuff at first because of how slippery it was and yet I did not feel as tired as I did ascending. Descending I guess bring the relief of a lot less anxiety on my mind and a sense of accomplishment to get me back to the bottom. I made it back to my Explorer and back to home better for the journey.
 
My point is that the journey may be tougher than you think you are ready for on any given day but the journey is something that you can make and you are stronger than you think. Injecting a little positive self talk and learning to accept my accomplishments in small packages of a step at a time helps me reach summits in my life. These are places that have been off limits to me because I made them into insurmountable objects because of fear or anxiety. I still have my days and there are many obstacle sin my path. Just remember that trying is doing and doing is not failing. Not doing is failing. So keep on trying and you will be doing!!!