What is your biggest fear?

What is your biggest fear?
 
I think everyone probably fears something from time to time. Are you afraid of the dark? After of spiders? Mice? Water? I think everyone has some sort of fear such as these fears. These though are not what I am talking about. The fear I am talking about is deep within you. It is in your soul and it is part of you just like the blood that flows through your veins. It is likely something that scares you greatly and shakes your very foundation to the core. It is the fear that you tell to no one and yet the one that keeps you up at night. It lives in you and you give it life. In fact you are its life!!!

What would make you fall to your knees? What would make you shake or tremble in fear or panic? What would tighten every single muscle in your body? What do you fear so much that if it happened you think you would die?

The fear I am talking about is real and does exist in us all in some form. For me that fear is of proving I am a mistake. The fear of being found out that I am a fraud and really am a failure. That I really wasn’t meant to be here on this Earth and I only am because someone else made a mistake. The fear shakes me to my core inside!! Every step that I take and every pump of my heart that fills my veins with blood reminds me that I live in that fear. It is with me, it is me!! What if it is true? What if it is right? Then what do I do or what do I become? How would I go on? Why would I go on if I was found out to be a mistake? Can I ever get away from that fear?

I sure hope so but I think these types of fears are hard to get away from for most people. You can’t run from it. You can’t hide from it and turning on the lights doesn’t make it go away. If it wants you to know it is there or feel it then that is exactly what is going to happen. And it goes back deep inside and waits when it wants to as well.

If anyone ever confirmed my biggest fear then I would crumble. The big wall that has been there called my life would crumble and shatter into a billion pieces never to be restored again. How can I stay ahead of it? How can I not be found out to be a mistake? I keep putting on this front and people buy it. I am some nice, loving, sweet, kind, gentle and successful man. However, inside rages a hell that few can ever know and a hell that few would ever survive if it was theirs to live!!

Everyday it feels like I get up and have to put on a suit and mask to hide the demon that I can see in the mirror. I know it is there but all of you don’t, all of you are fooled by an outward appearance and a shell. An act to impress and to fool you into thinking that I am worthy and that I exist because I was meant to be here on Earth. If you only knew the truth, what would you think then? Would you still call me a friend? Would you think I was successful or would you shun me? Would you tell me that my fears didn’t matter?

I would like to think that if I started to crumble that my friends would be there with whatever I needed to keep me in one piece. To tell me and remind me that I am actually what you see and not what I fear. I am not what I fear and there is no mask to take off. My fears were only just shadows and minds games. They were fears of something that existed only in my darkest dreams. I face each day because I am strong and I am strong enough to overcome words from my past. I am strong enough to overcome fears from my past and to exercise any demons of yesterday. There is no mask to take off and what I see is really me. I am the kind, sweet, loving, sensitive, and successful man. That is me and will continue to be me. One man can only bring another down if he lets him. Words are just words if you make them be that. They are not concrete or stone and they are not made of anything except sounds. To let them shape or shatter me would be wrong. I was fooled once by the devil to believe I was a mistake and needed to live a charade. The trick though is on him. I used the words to motivate me and to survive when I was young. Now I prosper and look at the devil with a smile on my face. It was my strength and my belief in myself that made me who I am today. No man or woman’s words can break me or bring me down. Now I walk proud and walk to the beat of my own drummer.