A dream realized

Snow covered but looming large on the horizon Mount Washington always
stood out to me as a boy. I looked with amazement at the white mound
among the greenery below it that lay between the mountain and me. A
dream began.

I would often find myself stopping on the Western Promenade in
Portland to view Mount Washington. On a clear day it was easy to see
and on other days it was just a shadowy figure in the distance. The
mountain was
always with me though and provided some place for
my mind to wander even on the darkest days. Dreams and fantasy of
wizards and dragons, gladiators and lions, and much more occupied my
mind as I grew up. The themes changed, but in the end the mountain was
always the same in my dreams. A place of dreams, a place of fantasy, a
place of mystery, and a place of death. The roles I played varied from
an explorer, to a mountain climber, to a hero and yes sometimes even a
villain. To me Hercules and Zeus where frequent visitors to the
mountain and on sad days I often imagined sitting on top of Mount
Washington whispering to God who was now not far away at all.

I would wonder as young boys do if I could touch the sun, rope the
moon, or catch a falling star from the top of a place like Mount
Washington. Could I see forever from up there? Would I see an angel?
So many thoughts and so many dreams of a mountain that seemed a World
away. I am not sure why it became so important to me but over the
years it never did fade. The dreams and fantasies may have changed, but
not the calling inside of the mountain. For all the changes in my
World and in my life the mountain was still the same in the distance.
It still would provide hope and an escape.

I gradually knew that I had to go to the mountain to be close to it
and experience it. I eventually drove by the mountain and was amazed
as it was larger than life even as I stood in its shadows. Eventually
a trip up the Auto Road happened and it felt as if I was rising to the
clouds. In fact, I was on day I drove up to the summit. It was seventy
degrees at the bottom of the mountain, but at the top it was foggy and
windy with temps cold
enough to see your breath. I was inside the
mystery and magic of the mountain. I could still only dream of the
view from the top. I was there, but it was truly only a taste of it.
The Auto Road provides an adventure of its own but it was not nearly
enough to satisfy my inner desire.

As my road in life traveled
through my own peaks and valleys the
mountain became a shadow looming in my mind. Anxiety became my sun and
my World revolved around it. In many ways it still does today as the
battle rages on. Nothing is easy for me, nothing is simple, it just
isn't that way. I am truly what I am and working towards what I want
to be and someday I will get there. Dreams truly only die if you let
them. I eventually found something called Geo-caching and that combined
with a GPS unit got me on the move again.

Soon the mountain was visible again and coming to the forefront in my
mind. A little over one year ago I started to hike and the goal from
day one was a goal from long ago-to hike Mount Washington. Now as a 36 year-old adult with
type 2 diabetes, anxiety, and fading dreams of glory, the mountain was
prominent again on my horizon. In fact it slowly blocked out my sun.

I began to hike and remember the first time I looked at the map and
saw the strange lands of Crawford Notch, Franconia Notch, and Pinkham
Notch. Because of my anxiety they seemed as if they were distance lands
so very far away from my reach. Mount Washington was just a dream and
just a goal that I expected to miss like so many others in my life.
The story of almost was one I lived all too often.

Hiking was something I started slowly with at first as I challenged
myself with trails around my home and slowly built my comfort zone
outward. I faced many challenges on the hikes from my anxiety. I was
at times afraid, doubtful, nervous, unsure, scared, faithless, and
confused on all my hikes. So many times I wanted to turn and just go
back to my safety. Let my sun shine down on me. Mount Washington though
blocked my sun more and more
with each and every hike that was inching
my way to its shadows. Eventually the hikes were right with in the
area and the distant lands were no longer mysterious but purely
magical. Each time I visit the White Mountains a spell is cast upon me
that transforms me for at least a little while and maybe more little
by little with each visit.

On my first summit of Pleasant Mountain it was an amazing site to see
Mount Washington as I crested the summit. Standing on top of South
Moat or Keasarge North in the winter gave me stunning views of
Washington. I sat in the Fire Tower on top of Kearsarge North and just
stared at the beauty around me, but Mount Washington was the beauty
among beauties. Mount Pierce in the winter was a winter wonderland
and Mount
Washington looked oh so close but yet so far. Then from
Jefferson and Eisenhower it felt like I could almost touch it but
didn't quite dare. It was a dream, a goal and I expected it to jump
away from me or slip past.

It didn't though as it stood just like it was when I was a boy. I
drove through the White Mountains often over this last year and have
seen some amazing things that I truly am blessed to have seen. The one
thing I kept seeing looming and blocking my sun was still there
waiting for me. Inside I began the battle of can I? I doubted myself
and wondered if I could get past the anxiety to
give it a go.

Then it happened on a beautiful October day. It was unusually warm and
not a cloud in the sky. Ammonousac Ravine here I come!!! I began at
the Cog Railway Base Station and then followed the trail along the
river. It was filled with lush green around me and the sound of water
tumbling downward. The
air was cool and filled with fresh scents of
the forest. Each step was filled with energy and confidence as I
headed to Gem Pool. I came a cross a large rock with a plaque on it
that marked the spot where Herbert Judson Young had passed away. I
paused and prayed before placing a stone upon the top before moving
onward. I finally arrived at the beautiful pool and decided it was a
place to savoir.

After resting and refueling at Gem Pool I began the stair-master to the
AMC Lake of the Clouds hut. This part of the hike was the most physically
demanding and also the part where the anxiety crept in a little. The
stair-master was pretty darn steep, but I reminded myself of the Caps
Ridge Trail and new I could do this trail. The anxiety began to fade
as the other hikes prepared me for this hike. I came to an outlook and
decided it was time for another break. I enjoyed looking out over the
valley. I returned to the stair-master and soon I was at a ladder,
which I climbed. The scramble over slabs replaced the stair-master
part of
the hike. Waterfalls were running down the slabs off to one
side and this was inspiring in itself but then more views opened and I
could see the towers on the summit. My heart was beating fast and hard,
but was it because of the hike or my personal journey?

I broke from the trail to see the AMC Hut in front of me. It was a
very welcome site and I was tired. I rested here for awhile but maybe
not long enough. I was eager to go forward. My dream was only 1.4
miles from me now. I could see ahead why it would be called the "Rock
Pile" as between me and the summit were nothing but rocks.

The last part of the trip was tough as I was tired and my legs wanted
more rest but my heart said go on. I went and paused and went some
more. It was getting closer and closer. I was almost there and could
feel the excitement growing. I felt like the little boy again filled
with hope and promise. I felt no anxiety. Another step, a little
stumble, and another step..... I was there. I REACHED THE SUMMIT!!!! I
looked around and I could see
forever.

Inside I was bursting with joy. Physically drained and emotionally
spent as well. I had battled and battled step after step to the top. I
was on top of the "Rock Pile" but it might as well as have been the
World to me. I quietly thanked God and I think I even heard him say,
"Good
job!!"

Sitting here today a day after the hike I am not sore as I expected
from the journey as I had been on previous hikes but I am rather
content. I am truly happy inside and proud of myself. I realized my
dream and it was as good as I had imagined since I was a little boy
looking to the horizon back in
Portland and back on the Western
Promenade.