Facing the nightmare

Facing the nightmare

I think in life we all have moments that challenge us and even change us. All of us fear something, and while some admit it freely others hope to keep it hidden deep inside of some locked corner of their mind. I have never been shy about my fears and in some ways that has only made me stronger while in others it has made me weaker. I came across one of my nightmares today.

I was off to explore the day and enjoy the foliage. I headed towards the White Mountains with anxiety building with each mile I traveled further away from the comfort zone of my home. Anxiety is a something that I battle at almost every turn of my life. I know that many others suffer from anxiety but for them it is a moment and for me it is often a controlling moment that is not brief. My mind tends to get a hold of something and analyze it over and over looking for potential problems and solutions. A simple thing for another person can send me off into a maze of thoughts that often traps me. Then I just am not able to mentally or physically do what it is I had intended to do until I can solve the problems. This is good and bad to be honest. For some situations having all possible outcomes ready at your disposal is a tremendous advantage when things turn and others are not prepared. At the same time this is also a hampering, disabling problem that I face on things that should be much simpler than I know how to let them be for me. I am trying to change all of this but it is a war and some days I can’t seem to fight while others I am full of fight. I wish I knew the way to charge forward each day.

On my drive to Crawford Notch I encountered traffic in Fryeburg due to the fair and instantly my stomach started to turn. I was simply afraid I would need to use a restroom and couldn’t get to one. However, I talked to my wife and she looked on her pc at work and told me of an alternate route that I could take and I did so. I have a GPS unit I take with me everywhere but I just could not mentally bring myself to use it as the anxiety was taking over. I followed her instructions and soon I was away from the traffic and my mind eased until I thought about my return trip home through all of the traffic. I did my best to shut those thoughts off before they ramped up my anxiety. I told myself that I would take a different route and avoid Fryeburg altogether and this would eliminate the potential traffic problem. Good…problem solved.

I make it to Crawford Notch and the anxiety fades as I feel comfortable here after many visits. I know where the roads lead and where everything I need is located. I decide that hiking up a mountain is not going to happen today because it is cloudy so I head off to a place I just discovered called Pondicherry in Whitefield , N.H. that sounds lovely. The fact I have never been there causes me instant anxiety, but I have the GPS on now and I also have read as much as I can about this particular place online. I am anxious but I have confidence in the answers I am able to provide to the questions my mind is running through as I drive onward.

Soon enough I am at Pondicherry and getting ready to head down the trail which is very much like I had thought it would be from the things I had discovered during my research about it. I decide to go on the light side of hiking equipment due to the flat nature of the trail. It is lengthy enough but I know from my experience that I can cover the flat miles much faster and easier with lighter gear. So that means some food bars, water, camera equipment, a knife, a jacket, cell phone, bear spray, and few other pieces for the journey.
I head out and the trail curves at the start and this is where my anxiety come into play. I often have reoccurring nightmares where I envisioned running into a bear. In my nightmare the bear was as shocked as I was but he was also determined to head in the direction I was standing. My mind raced in the dream as I stood still trying to sort the multitude of possibilities and outcomes. He was still coming towards when I awoke from the nightmare. I lay awake for awhile and sort through my knowledge of black bears and the experiences I have read about bears online plus what I have heard form other hikers. It is a theme I visit often as running into a black bear on the trail is a fear of mine. It causes me anxiety thinking about it. I am not a small man but a black bear is tougher than I am and I know that. So eventually I get back to sleep and there are no more dreams or nightmares of the bears.

Back to the trail, on this trail there is no bear ,as in my nightmare, as I walk around the corner. The trail becomes straight and you can see for a long ways. I notice something white on the trail and then notice an orange hat. I see it is another hiker walking out of woods while I am walking into them and I welcome the chance to talk to someone face to face. I get nervous and anxious in crowds or around people I do not know or often enough even people I know well. I have to rethink the words I say after I am away from people to see if I could have said it better. Just thinking about it now makes me tired. We both keep walking and the distance narrows to about 100 yards when something emerges from the woods between us. My mind flies through possibilities, but only one fits and it flashes in my mind “BEAR DUMMY”!!! I can feel my body chemistry change immediately as adrenaline is dumped into the bloodstream. My eyes widen but my mind slows things down and goes on autopilot. I have told it what to do in this type of scenario which pays off now. I take steps backwards as the bear fully enters the trails. I quickly realize there is enough distance and grab my camera from my pocket. I snap two shots of him crossing before he disappears on the other side of the trail. My heart is racing and now I replace the camera with bear spray as I no longer know where he is but know he is here.

Moments pass and then the other hiker begins to walk again. I see this but my mind tells me to turn and go back to my truck. The anxiety wants me to turn away but I know in my heart that somehow I must go forward. This is a point in my life and in my war that calls for courage. It calls for me to face the fear and the dreaded scenario of possibly running into the bear somewhere else on the trail. I pull up the facts and move forward towards the other hiker. We meet and chit chat about the event we just shared together. He is an older gentleman who had never seen a bear like that before. I felt like telling him that it was me that somehow brought the bear there because of the black cloud that seems to follow me but I decide he doesn’t need to hear that and then I offer to send him a picture of the bear with him in the background. I get his information and then we part ways. I am now where the bear was and I cross his path. I, of course, think I hear him but it could have been a bird for all I know at that point. I mark the spot on my GPS so I will know on the way back that I am here again. I am not sure why I need to know but I need to know that I crossed the spot again. I keep moving forward.

I check often over my shoulder to see if he came back on the trail and decided he wanted to walk with me. No bear and I keep moving forward. On I go and soon I reach my destination. I am afforded a wonderful view for my efforts and I stop to enjoy them. I explore a little more in another direction before I turn and head back to the trail. I now have to walk the walk back into the heart of the battle. I know that I am still afraid and I know the anxiety is now high for me. I faced the fear and did not back down. I came forward and did what I had set out to do despite the fear. I now just needed to face it again and the trail was the path to go forward for me. I went forward and the nerves were there but I made it safely back to my Explorer.

The fact is that I faced a fear of mine and I learned some things today that are important going forward in my life. The trail had bends in it but was mostly straight and there was no side trail to duck off of to change directions. I had to go straight towards, through, and past where my fear had just been before me. I know many times in my life when I have turned from such fears and just walked away. I have let fear and anxiety rule my World. I am not saying I won the war but I did win the battle. I also learned that one step at a time will get me to my fear and then beyond. My choices were simple and I made the choice to go forward. I can travel the same path and now that fear was on that path too. The big bad bear in the nightmare wasn’t there but the bear I feared was there before me. I faced the nightmare and moved forward.