what did I do?

No call.

I left a friend a message the other day and have not heard back. So now my mind begins the game with me again. Did I say something on the message? Is he mad for some reason? Is he okay? Is his family okay? Is he this or is he that? Did I or didn't I?

I wish I could stop the scenarios but I just can't seem to do that and I re-run the message I left in my head and then also search the last time or two that I saw him and replay my actions. It make sme tired and a wreck. Am I a bad friend? It just drives me nuts really. Do I call? How long do you wait before trying again? Do you try again? No answers. Just questions and scenarios.

I wish there was a way to shut the process down and just let whatever happens happen. It isn't like this is the only thing that trips me up and gets me spinning my wheels.

In fact, I had two the other day back to back. Michelle's father pointed to an employment sign and asked if that was me. Maybe he meant something and maybe he didn't but my mind raced through things such as anger, guilt, frustration, and shame instantly. I tried to read his face to decide if I was reading into that or not but I couldn't decide either way. No matter what it stirred a hornets nest in my head. Yes, I am ashamed that I can't work because of my anxiety. It isn't my fault though and it sure isn't really fun for me. Everything I do is a process. A frustrating process at that to be honest.

Then they wanted to go to a restaurant and I don't do well with things just dropped on me like that but I tried and when I got there I couldn't even focus on the menu. I could feel my body gearing for a panic attack. I excused myself and fled. Frustrating but I felt better when I left. I don't feel sorry that I left either. I needed to and so I did which is as simple as that for me. They know I have anxiety so I do not need to make excuses or say I am sorry in my eyes. Maybe they should be saying sorry for not listening to me when I said I wanted to do something else for lunch. It really doesn't matter as it is just another example of an unfortunate situation.

Anxiety and social phobia plus my diabetes are part of me. I need ot figure out the way to deal with them and move forward. I have made some very positive steps and yet in some cases I have not as I can't figure out how to do it. I don't get it but I try and try.