Drugs, chemistry, and mind over matter.
I am where I am and seem to not be able to move forward to where I want to be or where I think I need to be in my life. Am I being fair to myself? Are the expectations too much? Can I overcome my anxiety? Can I overcome the very fears that hold me back? Can I get past the struggles?
I am not so sure I can do it alone. I have tried counseling and tried some medications but yet a year later despite major progress I am stuck in some areas that seem so very simple to move past. I can come up with plans and ideas on how to breach the divide but in the end I remain frozen, staring into the open space and unable to proceed. How do I move forward? I have climbed higher and higher in my hikes while battling self doubt. I have found ways that help me relax and concentrate while I am taking tests more times than not. I can sleep now more at night than a year ago. I can even see the positive side of things and push negative thoughts away more than ever before. Yet I remain stuck in place on simple things. My mind races with solutions and ideas but my body freezes when it is time to move. I can’t seem to do it. I can build the bridge but will I ever be able to cross it? Sometimes I wonder and now I am in a funk again because I am struggling to move forward where I want to move forward.
I have wanted to be more involved on campus in my college career but have so far only taken online classes. I have a research paper due and it is causing me great anxiety. I tried and tried to go to the library and failed but I finally did make it the other day. I was helped by a librarian but I am not sure I even heard half of what he said to me. I was there and for that day it was enough. It was school vacation so I was sure the campus would be empty and it was very empty but I still made it there. I tried to go back today. I parked across from the school and as I sat there the momentum began to fade and be replaced by doubt. Eventually I drove away and headed home to study. Why could I not go inside? I did not have to talk with anyone or even look at anyone. If I so chose but I did not make it. Is it me? Is it as simple as mind over matter?
I certainly used to think so but if my body can not handle insulin dispersing properly and thus I have Type 2 diabetes then isn’t it possible for the chemistry in my brain to be askew too? I fear drugs to be honest and the possibility of what they can do to me. I want to feel and I want to think whatever it is I think or feel. I don’t want that covered or masked by a drug. Is it possible though I need something to balance what has become out of balance? I suppose that is a possibility. Should I feel it is a sad possibility? At this point in time it is what I feel but I also realize I likely have little choice but to explore that option further as I can’t seem to get there by myself.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Drownin in my own tears
Drownin in my own tears
Rescue me baby.
Throw me the life preserver
Cause I need savin
I am drownin in my own tears.
The pain comes in waves and overtakes me.
Outta the blue it just swallows me up.
I try to fight it and run away from it.
I just can’t run fast enough.
It catches me. And then the damn breaks.
Tears fall and fall faster and harder.
It is a sudden storm that I am caught up in.
My insides burst and here it all comes.
Rescue me baby.
Throw me the life preserver
Cause I need savin
I am drownin in my own tears.
Save me because I can’t breathe.
I am drownin in my own tears.
The World has swamped me
And it all just feels like too much.
My tears are fillin the World
And I’m drownin my own tears.
Come on toss me the line
Pull me in and save me.
I need repairs and you’re just the one
To fix my tares, to plug my holes.
To keep me from drownin.
Save my from my own tears.
Rescue me baby.
Throw me the life preserver
Cause I need savin
I am drownin in my own tears.
Rescue me baby.
Throw me the life preserver
Cause I need savin
I am drownin in my own tears.
The pain comes in waves and overtakes me.
Outta the blue it just swallows me up.
I try to fight it and run away from it.
I just can’t run fast enough.
It catches me. And then the damn breaks.
Tears fall and fall faster and harder.
It is a sudden storm that I am caught up in.
My insides burst and here it all comes.
Rescue me baby.
Throw me the life preserver
Cause I need savin
I am drownin in my own tears.
Save me because I can’t breathe.
I am drownin in my own tears.
The World has swamped me
And it all just feels like too much.
My tears are fillin the World
And I’m drownin my own tears.
Come on toss me the line
Pull me in and save me.
I need repairs and you’re just the one
To fix my tares, to plug my holes.
To keep me from drownin.
Save my from my own tears.
Rescue me baby.
Throw me the life preserver
Cause I need savin
I am drownin in my own tears.
Drifting Mind
Drifting Mind
I sit here watching the minutes go.
Tick, tick, tick, tick
The hands keep moving.
On and on they march.
I am here and with each tick.
I am closer to somewhere else.
The after life is comes closer.
Closer and closer till there is no more tick tock to hear.
So why do I just sit here in this place and watch it go on.
Listening to the tick tock that is life passing by me.
My mind seems to lack focus more than not.
I never stop and listen to the tick tock.
Never appreciating the tick or the tock.
Just thinking about things that matter not in the end.
What am I to wear today?
What am I to do today?
Often getting angry at the little things.
My coffee was supposed to be this and not that.
Things that just don’t matter in the end.
Tick tock and my mind is off again.
To another thought and another place.
Not listening to the time passing along.
Constantly moving me towards its’ own place.
Yes, its own place at a steady pace.
Along for the ride am I , just like you too.
Maybe we need to stop and listen for a while.
Hear the sound of life.
Love the life we have for now.
Make life the life we want to have till the end.
Do you have that in your life?
What do you do to make it matter?
Tick, tock…. tick tock…tick….?
And then it ends.
Drifting I am again……..
I sit here watching the minutes go.
Tick, tick, tick, tick
The hands keep moving.
On and on they march.
I am here and with each tick.
I am closer to somewhere else.
The after life is comes closer.
Closer and closer till there is no more tick tock to hear.
So why do I just sit here in this place and watch it go on.
Listening to the tick tock that is life passing by me.
My mind seems to lack focus more than not.
I never stop and listen to the tick tock.
Never appreciating the tick or the tock.
Just thinking about things that matter not in the end.
What am I to wear today?
What am I to do today?
Often getting angry at the little things.
My coffee was supposed to be this and not that.
Things that just don’t matter in the end.
Tick tock and my mind is off again.
To another thought and another place.
Not listening to the time passing along.
Constantly moving me towards its’ own place.
Yes, its own place at a steady pace.
Along for the ride am I , just like you too.
Maybe we need to stop and listen for a while.
Hear the sound of life.
Love the life we have for now.
Make life the life we want to have till the end.
Do you have that in your life?
What do you do to make it matter?
Tick, tock…. tick tock…tick….?
And then it ends.
Drifting I am again……..
Drifting away.
Drifting away.
Without you I am drifting.
Drifting through this life.
Painfully and slowly moving.
Life moves me because it moves all.
I would rather crawl away from it all.
Without you it is just filled with pain.
It ain’t no game.
It is just pain.
Movin through the days.
Wishing things could change.
Knowing it coulda been.
Much happier with you.
Just drifting alone now.
Drifting in life.
Drifting without you.
Drifting in sadness.
Drifting without hope.
Drifting away.
Without you I am drifting.
Drifting through this life.
Painfully and slowly moving.
Life moves me because it moves all.
I would rather crawl away from it all.
Without you it is just filled with pain.
It ain’t no game.
It is just pain.
Movin through the days.
Wishing things could change.
Knowing it coulda been.
Much happier with you.
Just drifting alone now.
Drifting in life.
Drifting without you.
Drifting in sadness.
Drifting without hope.
Drifting away.
Dreams.
Dreams.
Am I the one you see?
Am I the one you dream of?
When you eyes close?
And the night comes.
Is it me you wish for?
Is it me?
Am I the one there in your dreams?
Is the World we share oh so perfect in there?
Or am I distant there too?
Close but not close enough?
Where am I in your dreams?
Is it the fairy tale?
Is it Heaven on Earth?
Where am I in your dreams?
You are the one I see.
You are the only one I dream of.
When I close my eyes it is you I see.
I often can’t wait for the night to come.
Cause then I can be with you again.
I can be where I wish to be, with you.
Always with you.
Always in my dreams.
The World oh so perfect for you and me.
Right there in my arms, in my dreams.
Living the fairly tale.
Heaven right there in my dreams.
Right there, you and me.
Am I the one you see?
Am I the one you dream of?
When you eyes close?
And the night comes.
Is it me you wish for?
Is it me?
Am I the one there in your dreams?
Is the World we share oh so perfect in there?
Or am I distant there too?
Close but not close enough?
Where am I in your dreams?
Is it the fairy tale?
Is it Heaven on Earth?
Where am I in your dreams?
You are the one I see.
You are the only one I dream of.
When I close my eyes it is you I see.
I often can’t wait for the night to come.
Cause then I can be with you again.
I can be where I wish to be, with you.
Always with you.
Always in my dreams.
The World oh so perfect for you and me.
Right there in my arms, in my dreams.
Living the fairly tale.
Heaven right there in my dreams.
Right there, you and me.
Dreams of Diamonds
Dreaming the dream is what I still like to do.
Relive the days that have gone by so long ago.
Wondering now if I could’ve been what I dreamt.
It is a dream that has never died way down inside.
Still clinging to the child that lives within me.
Hoping for one last hurrah.
Just one time out in the sun.
One more time to run.
One more time, just dreaming of one more time.
Dreams of diamonds are forever.
Yes, a boy’s diamonds last forever.
Dream the dream that never dies.
Just one more time between the lines.
One more time playing the game.
One more time, just one more time.
Swinging that bat as the ball comes hurtling towards me.
Feeling the power of the swing and then ball meeting the bat.
Hearing the crack as the ball soars in the air.
Running as fast as I can to first base and then towards second.
Diving head first and feeling the dirt slide between my fingers.
Touching the base just ahead of the glove that now holds the ball.
Feeling the rush of making it there.
Now out of breath but full of pride.
Now just hoping the next guy gives it a ride!!
Taking a lead and watching the game around me.
Making sure they don’t catch me.
Then running hard as I can cause the ball is flying again.
Rounding third and heading for home.
Touching the plate as the throw was just late.
Knowing I scored one for the home team.
On the mound looking in.
Catchers fingers wiggling to me.
Nodding to agree with him.
Then starting the wind up so slowly.
Twisting and contorting just so.
Then letting it all go in one big throw.
The ball flies forward and head for its target.
The batter blinks and the ball has gone by him.
Strike one is now behind him.
Soon strikes two and three follow.
He gets to walk in shame.
I stand tall with pride.
On and on we go.
Strikes, balls, bats, hits, outs, and so much more.
All add up till the end.
The dream must fade yet again now that I am at the end.
Living the glory of yet another win.
This dream will come again.
Yes, Dreams of Diamonds are forever even for old men.
Relive the days that have gone by so long ago.
Wondering now if I could’ve been what I dreamt.
It is a dream that has never died way down inside.
Still clinging to the child that lives within me.
Hoping for one last hurrah.
Just one time out in the sun.
One more time to run.
One more time, just dreaming of one more time.
Dreams of diamonds are forever.
Yes, a boy’s diamonds last forever.
Dream the dream that never dies.
Just one more time between the lines.
One more time playing the game.
One more time, just one more time.
Swinging that bat as the ball comes hurtling towards me.
Feeling the power of the swing and then ball meeting the bat.
Hearing the crack as the ball soars in the air.
Running as fast as I can to first base and then towards second.
Diving head first and feeling the dirt slide between my fingers.
Touching the base just ahead of the glove that now holds the ball.
Feeling the rush of making it there.
Now out of breath but full of pride.
Now just hoping the next guy gives it a ride!!
Taking a lead and watching the game around me.
Making sure they don’t catch me.
Then running hard as I can cause the ball is flying again.
Rounding third and heading for home.
Touching the plate as the throw was just late.
Knowing I scored one for the home team.
On the mound looking in.
Catchers fingers wiggling to me.
Nodding to agree with him.
Then starting the wind up so slowly.
Twisting and contorting just so.
Then letting it all go in one big throw.
The ball flies forward and head for its target.
The batter blinks and the ball has gone by him.
Strike one is now behind him.
Soon strikes two and three follow.
He gets to walk in shame.
I stand tall with pride.
On and on we go.
Strikes, balls, bats, hits, outs, and so much more.
All add up till the end.
The dream must fade yet again now that I am at the end.
Living the glory of yet another win.
This dream will come again.
Yes, Dreams of Diamonds are forever even for old men.
Dreamland
Dreamland
I just feel so lost today.
Not really knowing where I belong.
Drifting through time.
Wishing you were mine.
Feeling empty because you are so far away.
Feels like a different time when I think of you.
Sometimes happy and sometimes sad too.
I am here and you are there.
Sometimes I see the path leads right to you.
Others it seems to lead somewhere else.
Does it end where you are?
Or does it go somewhere far?
I just don’t know and neither do you.
I think of you and imagine too.
Imagine life this way or that.
Is it better or is it just fantasy?
I don’t know and neither do you.
Dream the dream is what we do.
In the end we will be.
Or so we say in our fantasy.
Do we just stay in dreamland?
Were everything fits oh so well?
Were you are my queen and I, your prince?
Or do we take the step to tempt our fates?
So many questions and so few answers.
It is certain that in our fantasy,
there is no other place than with you.
Sometimes it just seems so far from real.
Dreams come true but how often?
Is this a dream or just a fantasy?
Who decides? Me or you?
I am here and you are there.
Time goes on and on without stopping for us.
We are still where we were before.
Life is full chances.
Is this ours or just a fantasy.
So many questions
So few answers
so far away
just dreaming of you.
dreaming still
just dreaming
dreaming
of you
I just feel so lost today.
Not really knowing where I belong.
Drifting through time.
Wishing you were mine.
Feeling empty because you are so far away.
Feels like a different time when I think of you.
Sometimes happy and sometimes sad too.
I am here and you are there.
Sometimes I see the path leads right to you.
Others it seems to lead somewhere else.
Does it end where you are?
Or does it go somewhere far?
I just don’t know and neither do you.
I think of you and imagine too.
Imagine life this way or that.
Is it better or is it just fantasy?
I don’t know and neither do you.
Dream the dream is what we do.
In the end we will be.
Or so we say in our fantasy.
Do we just stay in dreamland?
Were everything fits oh so well?
Were you are my queen and I, your prince?
Or do we take the step to tempt our fates?
So many questions and so few answers.
It is certain that in our fantasy,
there is no other place than with you.
Sometimes it just seems so far from real.
Dreams come true but how often?
Is this a dream or just a fantasy?
Who decides? Me or you?
I am here and you are there.
Time goes on and on without stopping for us.
We are still where we were before.
Life is full chances.
Is this ours or just a fantasy.
So many questions
So few answers
so far away
just dreaming of you.
dreaming still
just dreaming
dreaming
of you
Dreamin Again
Dreamin Again
I’ve know for a long time.
You know it too.
There is just something there.
Something between me and you.
There always has been.
There always will be too.
We try to ignore it.
We try to push it away.
We even try to hide it.
Pretend maybe it isn’t real.
A fantasy of youth.
A time gone past.
A moment lost in time.
All true but you know it too.
It just doesn’t go away because you tell it too.
Dreams come in the night.
Carrying you right to my side.
Right where you have always belonged.
The place that belongs to you.
Always has and always will too.
Deny, fight, and ignore it.
We can’t explore it.
We can’t let it go.
A romantic tragedy for sure.
Heart meant to be as one.
Separated by none.
None other than the very two.
Hearts, minds, and souls.
So intertwined.
So confused.
Me and you.
You and me.
Time marches on and on.
How I long for just one kiss.
Just one lingering hug.
Just one night.
One moment in time.
Before time is gone.
Dreams come true.
So don’t nightmares too.
I’ve know for a long time.
You know it too.
There is just something there.
Something between me and you.
There always has been.
There always will be too.
We try to ignore it.
We try to push it away.
We even try to hide it.
Pretend maybe it isn’t real.
A fantasy of youth.
A time gone past.
A moment lost in time.
All true but you know it too.
It just doesn’t go away because you tell it too.
Dreams come in the night.
Carrying you right to my side.
Right where you have always belonged.
The place that belongs to you.
Always has and always will too.
Deny, fight, and ignore it.
We can’t explore it.
We can’t let it go.
A romantic tragedy for sure.
Heart meant to be as one.
Separated by none.
None other than the very two.
Hearts, minds, and souls.
So intertwined.
So confused.
Me and you.
You and me.
Time marches on and on.
How I long for just one kiss.
Just one lingering hug.
Just one night.
One moment in time.
Before time is gone.
Dreams come true.
So don’t nightmares too.
Dreamer
Dreamer
It feels like so long ago.
So long ago that I was once a boy.
Looking to the sky and wondering what was there.
Thinking someday I could go there.
Watching the fire trucks or police cars go on past.
I was sure that one day I would be there too.
It was all before me back then.
I could be the next great sports star too.
There wasn’t nothing I couldn’t do.
The future was ahead of me.
Everything just a possibility within my head.
Hopes and dreams.
Yes, hopes and dreams was where it was at.
Back then it was all mine to dream about.
No reasons to doubt.
Hope was eternal.
Then I grew as we all do.
The dreams, they are gone.
Just faded memories since long gone.
Hope is still around today.
It has just changed in a big way.
Instead of hoping for my dreams.
I hope now just to be a good man.
A man that is on the right track.
Now I cheer the next great sports star.
Watch the fire trucks race on past.
Thankful it wasn’t my place.
When the blue lights flash now.
I hope they go on past!!!
Life has changed for me.
Dreams come and go.
More often they go in fact.
So live this life before it lives you.
Never let go of the hope.
Hope is eternal.
Dare not to only dream.
Dare to chase your dreams.
It feels like so long ago.
So long ago that I was once a boy.
Looking to the sky and wondering what was there.
Thinking someday I could go there.
Watching the fire trucks or police cars go on past.
I was sure that one day I would be there too.
It was all before me back then.
I could be the next great sports star too.
There wasn’t nothing I couldn’t do.
The future was ahead of me.
Everything just a possibility within my head.
Hopes and dreams.
Yes, hopes and dreams was where it was at.
Back then it was all mine to dream about.
No reasons to doubt.
Hope was eternal.
Then I grew as we all do.
The dreams, they are gone.
Just faded memories since long gone.
Hope is still around today.
It has just changed in a big way.
Instead of hoping for my dreams.
I hope now just to be a good man.
A man that is on the right track.
Now I cheer the next great sports star.
Watch the fire trucks race on past.
Thankful it wasn’t my place.
When the blue lights flash now.
I hope they go on past!!!
Life has changed for me.
Dreams come and go.
More often they go in fact.
So live this life before it lives you.
Never let go of the hope.
Hope is eternal.
Dare not to only dream.
Dare to chase your dreams.
Drawn
Drawn
The minute I saw you.
I began to feel it.
At first just a slight pull.
It was hard to look away.
I was far enough though that I could.
But I found myself still turning to look.
You beauty was drawing me in.
Drawing me nearer.
The pull became stronger and stronger.
My head became harder to turn away.
I was drawn in more and more.
Those eyes drew me near.
The pull became too much.
Before I knew it I was in motion.
I could see you were drawn to me too.
It was oh so obvious between us.
Drawn together so quickly.
The pull like two magnets slowly drawing towards on another.
The power and strength of the draw increasing.
With each second.
Until smack the magnets meet and become one.
Two become one and that is what is happening here.
As we get closer and closer.
We are being drawn together until we are one.
The minute I saw you.
I began to feel it.
At first just a slight pull.
It was hard to look away.
I was far enough though that I could.
But I found myself still turning to look.
You beauty was drawing me in.
Drawing me nearer.
The pull became stronger and stronger.
My head became harder to turn away.
I was drawn in more and more.
Those eyes drew me near.
The pull became too much.
Before I knew it I was in motion.
I could see you were drawn to me too.
It was oh so obvious between us.
Drawn together so quickly.
The pull like two magnets slowly drawing towards on another.
The power and strength of the draw increasing.
With each second.
Until smack the magnets meet and become one.
Two become one and that is what is happening here.
As we get closer and closer.
We are being drawn together until we are one.
Down your Road
Down your Road
I am not gonna bother you anymore.
Gonna let you walk right on out the door.
To another World you will go.
I am gonna let you go.
Not gonna try to hold you here with me.
In our little World you will be no more.
Walk on down the road to the next door.
Maybe she will let you inside to explore.
I will guarantee that she isn’t me.
The only door that leads to me.
Is the door, the door you are walking out of right now.
I am not going to chase you down the street.
Not going to follow you away form my own little World.
Not going to get lost in the sadness you will leave with me.
Go on now boy, hit the road and go explore.
See what else you can find on down the road.
Knock on every damn door.
You won’t find me behind any of them though.
I will be right here where I always have been.
No better than me but go and explore.
We could have had it all.
We had it in our own hands.
You just couldn’t see.
Couldn’t see what you truly had in me.
So out the door you go!!
Go on down your road.
My heart stays here with me.
This life is too short for me to wait for you.
Explore the World and you will see.
See what I already know.
You had the best in me.
Blinded by your fears of the love.
The love that we shared.
It was so beautiful here for you and me.
Now you are gone.
My World still spins just like before.
Enjoy your walk on down the road.
Don’t look back cause you won’t see me.
I am not waiting for you.
I’m movin on.
So get on now.
Go on.
I am not gonna bother you anymore.
Gonna let you walk right on out the door.
To another World you will go.
I am gonna let you go.
Not gonna try to hold you here with me.
In our little World you will be no more.
Walk on down the road to the next door.
Maybe she will let you inside to explore.
I will guarantee that she isn’t me.
The only door that leads to me.
Is the door, the door you are walking out of right now.
I am not going to chase you down the street.
Not going to follow you away form my own little World.
Not going to get lost in the sadness you will leave with me.
Go on now boy, hit the road and go explore.
See what else you can find on down the road.
Knock on every damn door.
You won’t find me behind any of them though.
I will be right here where I always have been.
No better than me but go and explore.
We could have had it all.
We had it in our own hands.
You just couldn’t see.
Couldn’t see what you truly had in me.
So out the door you go!!
Go on down your road.
My heart stays here with me.
This life is too short for me to wait for you.
Explore the World and you will see.
See what I already know.
You had the best in me.
Blinded by your fears of the love.
The love that we shared.
It was so beautiful here for you and me.
Now you are gone.
My World still spins just like before.
Enjoy your walk on down the road.
Don’t look back cause you won’t see me.
I am not waiting for you.
I’m movin on.
So get on now.
Go on.
down
Down…
You always said you would there.
Always said you would break my falls.
Pick me up when I was down.
Never be the one to push me down.
Where did it all go wrong baby?
Cause you are sending me down.
I am going down in flames.
And it is you that is to blame.
I gave all I had.
You took it too.
I believed in you.
I believed in us.
Only to see you standing over me when I’m down.
Where is the hand to help me now?
It is the hand that just pushed me down.
I never saw it coming but it is here now.
You are the one that turned away.
Yes, the day when I needed you most.
You turned and walked away.
It seemed too easy for you to do it.
Maybe the love you was never true.
Cause now I am going down in flames.
And you are the cause of my demise.
Going your own way now.
You always said you would there.
Always said you would break my falls.
Pick me up when I was down.
Never be the one to push me down.
Where did it all go wrong baby?
Cause you are sending me down.
I am going down in flames.
And it is you that is to blame.
I gave all I had.
You took it too.
I believed in you.
I believed in us.
Only to see you standing over me when I’m down.
Where is the hand to help me now?
It is the hand that just pushed me down.
I never saw it coming but it is here now.
You are the one that turned away.
Yes, the day when I needed you most.
You turned and walked away.
It seemed too easy for you to do it.
Maybe the love you was never true.
Cause now I am going down in flames.
And you are the cause of my demise.
Going your own way now.
Doors are closing
Doors are closing
You came and walked right in.
My guard didn’t even need to be let down for you.
It was just so amazing that you seemed to already have the keys.
Keys to my heart, keys to my soul.
So no stopping you as you walked right on through.
Amazing in every single way from that first moment.
Even today, I am still amazed by you.
The days are longer now as the distance grows.
It isn’t the way I thought it would go.
I thought for once it was really real.
Well for me I know it was always real.
You push me away with all your might.
Scared you seem of something so right.
I am not going to fight anymore.
You win and I will slowly close the door.
Your choice to let it close though.
I still have hope that you will let it all grow.
Just take it slow and see where the road goes.
Time, time can be on our side if we let it be.
However, you just seem to ignore me.
Hurts deep inside and yet I don’t want to go hide.
I want to look you in the eye and feel amazed all over again.
The connection is there and so easy to see.
You know it is true just like me.
The doors are closing each time you push me away.
I don’t ask for much really today.
Just to matter and to be a factor in your day.
Yet, you still push me away.
The memories make me smile and that you can’t take away.
They will stay with me till the day I die.
I will always remember the day I looked into those eyes.
Deep inside me something awoke and that ain’t no joke.
Thank you for all that you are and all that you mean to me.
I am sad to see you pushing me away.
I only wanted to bring you true joy.
See to it that you got the happiness you so deserve.
Amazed I am still to this very moment.
The doors are closing and the choice is yours.
Do you want to keep them open?
Or just let them close and regret that someday?
You came and walked right in.
My guard didn’t even need to be let down for you.
It was just so amazing that you seemed to already have the keys.
Keys to my heart, keys to my soul.
So no stopping you as you walked right on through.
Amazing in every single way from that first moment.
Even today, I am still amazed by you.
The days are longer now as the distance grows.
It isn’t the way I thought it would go.
I thought for once it was really real.
Well for me I know it was always real.
You push me away with all your might.
Scared you seem of something so right.
I am not going to fight anymore.
You win and I will slowly close the door.
Your choice to let it close though.
I still have hope that you will let it all grow.
Just take it slow and see where the road goes.
Time, time can be on our side if we let it be.
However, you just seem to ignore me.
Hurts deep inside and yet I don’t want to go hide.
I want to look you in the eye and feel amazed all over again.
The connection is there and so easy to see.
You know it is true just like me.
The doors are closing each time you push me away.
I don’t ask for much really today.
Just to matter and to be a factor in your day.
Yet, you still push me away.
The memories make me smile and that you can’t take away.
They will stay with me till the day I die.
I will always remember the day I looked into those eyes.
Deep inside me something awoke and that ain’t no joke.
Thank you for all that you are and all that you mean to me.
I am sad to see you pushing me away.
I only wanted to bring you true joy.
See to it that you got the happiness you so deserve.
Amazed I am still to this very moment.
The doors are closing and the choice is yours.
Do you want to keep them open?
Or just let them close and regret that someday?
The door is unlocked, sleep easy.
The door is unlocked, sleep easy.
Sometimes I look and I see the World as so damn big that it is amazing to me. Others though my anxiety quickly narrows my World to a few rooms almost like my own little prison. Is it simply mind over matter? It sounds so simple but I must tell you it is anything but simple for someone with anxiety. I know this not only affects me but the people around me as well. That though only adds to the feeling of pressure and sometimes makes the attempts to make strides that much harder as I feel their eyes upon me as well. That it isn’t just me I am playing the game of life for but also them. Sometimes maybe they even matter more than I do in the game of life. I can’t change the way I feel overnight and I know that very well. I know the battle must be taken on step at a time and sometimes the steps are about as fast as molasses in winter.
Today is another battle as I want to take off and go hike a mountain that is two things that are difficult for me. It is hours away from my home and the highest hike of my short hiking career. Even as I type that my brain is tossing other bits of information at me such as it is also a hike in the winter alone and much, much more. Are they valid issues? Things to be concerned with? Things to be looked into? I say “yes” but there is also a limit is there not between being overly cautious and callous isn’t there? Where is that line and who gets to define it? I do as it is my life but how do I know what things deserve more thought and what things I need to push aside to open the door to reaching the challenge. For me it is similar to leaving your door unlocked at night and then trying to sleep. Can you do it? Realistically what are the chances someone will come to your door on that night and try to open it? Very slim but could you sleep comfortably? Not many people could but then you have someone spouting numbers off to you saying it won’t happen because of this or that. Does that ease your mind? Does it change the equation for you? That is what it is like for me trying to do a lot of things and having someone trying to tell me why it is okay to do it. Only I can ease my own mind and sometimes the route to easing it is much longer than you could ever imagine. Step by step I can get there and yet sometimes the steps are slow. As I look back over the past year for example I can see a trail of foot steps that tell me progress was certainly made this year. I could pick apart the steps or try to retrace them as I have in the past but I know it only serves the purpose of holding me back again. I want to take new steps and move forward but one must understand it has to be on my own pace and with me reasoning with myself to trust myself. I may need to get up and lock the door to rest easier or maybe I can convince myself that nobody will open that door and leave things as they are but ask yourself if you could do that before you judge me for pausing.
I can make it and will make it to any destination. I can make it and will make it to any goal I set. It just has to be done my way and for me.
Sometimes I look and I see the World as so damn big that it is amazing to me. Others though my anxiety quickly narrows my World to a few rooms almost like my own little prison. Is it simply mind over matter? It sounds so simple but I must tell you it is anything but simple for someone with anxiety. I know this not only affects me but the people around me as well. That though only adds to the feeling of pressure and sometimes makes the attempts to make strides that much harder as I feel their eyes upon me as well. That it isn’t just me I am playing the game of life for but also them. Sometimes maybe they even matter more than I do in the game of life. I can’t change the way I feel overnight and I know that very well. I know the battle must be taken on step at a time and sometimes the steps are about as fast as molasses in winter.
Today is another battle as I want to take off and go hike a mountain that is two things that are difficult for me. It is hours away from my home and the highest hike of my short hiking career. Even as I type that my brain is tossing other bits of information at me such as it is also a hike in the winter alone and much, much more. Are they valid issues? Things to be concerned with? Things to be looked into? I say “yes” but there is also a limit is there not between being overly cautious and callous isn’t there? Where is that line and who gets to define it? I do as it is my life but how do I know what things deserve more thought and what things I need to push aside to open the door to reaching the challenge. For me it is similar to leaving your door unlocked at night and then trying to sleep. Can you do it? Realistically what are the chances someone will come to your door on that night and try to open it? Very slim but could you sleep comfortably? Not many people could but then you have someone spouting numbers off to you saying it won’t happen because of this or that. Does that ease your mind? Does it change the equation for you? That is what it is like for me trying to do a lot of things and having someone trying to tell me why it is okay to do it. Only I can ease my own mind and sometimes the route to easing it is much longer than you could ever imagine. Step by step I can get there and yet sometimes the steps are slow. As I look back over the past year for example I can see a trail of foot steps that tell me progress was certainly made this year. I could pick apart the steps or try to retrace them as I have in the past but I know it only serves the purpose of holding me back again. I want to take new steps and move forward but one must understand it has to be on my own pace and with me reasoning with myself to trust myself. I may need to get up and lock the door to rest easier or maybe I can convince myself that nobody will open that door and leave things as they are but ask yourself if you could do that before you judge me for pausing.
I can make it and will make it to any destination. I can make it and will make it to any goal I set. It just has to be done my way and for me.
Don’t turn away
Don’t turn away
I saw you today and I know you saw me too.
You tried to hide your face though.
Turned the other way, turned the other cheek.
I still saw what you were trying to hide.
Baby it just goes right through me.
I can’t stand to see the pain you are in.
The bruises on your face can’t even match the pain within.
Why do you stay? When you know you should go?
I know the words are so much easier than the actions.
Happiness though is so much better than the pain.
You deserve the love that awaits you beyond the tortured walls.
The walls you now call home with him.
It is time to gather your strength and shattered the walls.
I see the greatness within you and you baby can be so much more.
Just break down those walls and let all the light in.
No need to hide your face, not from me.
I am here, right here waiting for you. Knowing you need to be free.
He doesn’t know what he has in you, right before him.
He has a precious jewel that just needs a little help to shine.
Take away the pain and let you shine.
I know you can shine and I know it isn’t too far gone.
You see the World and I know you want to be part of it.
The prison of his love is not like the love of the World.
He loves you with fury and presses to keep you buried.
Baby it just goes right through me.
I can’t stand to see the pain you are in.
The bruises on your face can’t even match the pain within.
Why do you stay? When you know you should go?
I know the words are so much easier than the actions.
Happiness though is so much better than the pain.
You deserve the love that awaits you beyond the tortured walls.
The walls you now call home with him.
Outside of those tortured walls you will blossom.
You will shine like the precious gem that you are within.
You will learn to love again. Learn to trust again.
You will learn love doesn’t come with pain, it doesn’t come with bruises.
Love comes with some much more than you have ever known.
Don’t turn away cause my love goes so much deeper than the bruises on your skin.
Don’t turn away. Look inside my eyes and watch your beauty reflect within them.
You are a precious gem. Precious in every way for sure.
Break those damn walls and get back in the damn game.
He hasn’t broken your spirit so gather the strength and shatter his.
Turn towards me, don’t turn away!!!!!!
No, don’t turn away.
I saw you today and I know you saw me too.
You tried to hide your face though.
Turned the other way, turned the other cheek.
I still saw what you were trying to hide.
Baby it just goes right through me.
I can’t stand to see the pain you are in.
The bruises on your face can’t even match the pain within.
Why do you stay? When you know you should go?
I know the words are so much easier than the actions.
Happiness though is so much better than the pain.
You deserve the love that awaits you beyond the tortured walls.
The walls you now call home with him.
It is time to gather your strength and shattered the walls.
I see the greatness within you and you baby can be so much more.
Just break down those walls and let all the light in.
No need to hide your face, not from me.
I am here, right here waiting for you. Knowing you need to be free.
He doesn’t know what he has in you, right before him.
He has a precious jewel that just needs a little help to shine.
Take away the pain and let you shine.
I know you can shine and I know it isn’t too far gone.
You see the World and I know you want to be part of it.
The prison of his love is not like the love of the World.
He loves you with fury and presses to keep you buried.
Baby it just goes right through me.
I can’t stand to see the pain you are in.
The bruises on your face can’t even match the pain within.
Why do you stay? When you know you should go?
I know the words are so much easier than the actions.
Happiness though is so much better than the pain.
You deserve the love that awaits you beyond the tortured walls.
The walls you now call home with him.
Outside of those tortured walls you will blossom.
You will shine like the precious gem that you are within.
You will learn to love again. Learn to trust again.
You will learn love doesn’t come with pain, it doesn’t come with bruises.
Love comes with some much more than you have ever known.
Don’t turn away cause my love goes so much deeper than the bruises on your skin.
Don’t turn away. Look inside my eyes and watch your beauty reflect within them.
You are a precious gem. Precious in every way for sure.
Break those damn walls and get back in the damn game.
He hasn’t broken your spirit so gather the strength and shatter his.
Turn towards me, don’t turn away!!!!!!
No, don’t turn away.
Don’t get caught looking back.
Don’t get caught looking back.
I was looking back into the past.
Trying to right my wrongs.
Trying to take another path.
Repair the road I traveled.
Before I knew it I was lost.
The road I was on when I turned around.
That road was not the road I dreamed.
My path had changed.
Don’t get caught looking back.
No, don’t get caught looking back.
No hoping for yesterday to be today again.
Let today be today!!!!
Tomorrow will come, ready or not.
Tomorrow will be here, ready or not.
So don’t get caught looking back.
You gotta look ahead to get ahead.
Look back, look back and stumble.
It is for sure that you will stumble.
Stumble and fall.
Fall, fall, and hope to get back up.
Don’t get caught looking back.
No, don’t get caught looking back.
No hoping for yesterday to be today again.
Let today be today!!!!
Can’t fix yesterday.
No, no it is gone.
Let it go.
Don’t lose today.
Hold onto to today.
Today is here!!
Yes, right here.
Today is now.
Take today, move forward.
Look forward.
Tomorrow is on the way but you still have today.
Yesterday is gone, gone for all time.
Let it go.
Can’t fix yesterday.
No, no it is gone.
Let it go.
Don’t lose today
Today is here and now.
Today is yours.
Grab it and run.
You won’t stumble and fall.
You can see where you are going.
Looking at today and not yesterday.
One life to live.
Don’t get caught looking at yesterday.
Live today.
Don’t lose today
I was looking back into the past.
Trying to right my wrongs.
Trying to take another path.
Repair the road I traveled.
Before I knew it I was lost.
The road I was on when I turned around.
That road was not the road I dreamed.
My path had changed.
Don’t get caught looking back.
No, don’t get caught looking back.
No hoping for yesterday to be today again.
Let today be today!!!!
Tomorrow will come, ready or not.
Tomorrow will be here, ready or not.
So don’t get caught looking back.
You gotta look ahead to get ahead.
Look back, look back and stumble.
It is for sure that you will stumble.
Stumble and fall.
Fall, fall, and hope to get back up.
Don’t get caught looking back.
No, don’t get caught looking back.
No hoping for yesterday to be today again.
Let today be today!!!!
Can’t fix yesterday.
No, no it is gone.
Let it go.
Don’t lose today.
Hold onto to today.
Today is here!!
Yes, right here.
Today is now.
Take today, move forward.
Look forward.
Tomorrow is on the way but you still have today.
Yesterday is gone, gone for all time.
Let it go.
Can’t fix yesterday.
No, no it is gone.
Let it go.
Don’t lose today
Today is here and now.
Today is yours.
Grab it and run.
You won’t stumble and fall.
You can see where you are going.
Looking at today and not yesterday.
One life to live.
Don’t get caught looking at yesterday.
Live today.
Don’t lose today
Short Story…Diabetic revenge
Short Story…Diabetic revenge
The alarm clock went off and his wife slipped out of bed. He laid there still apparently sleeping. Today would not be like every other day when he would just go back to sleep while she went about the business of getting ready for work. He would let her do what she needed to do and be on her way but he would not go back to sleep. He could not as today would not be like any other day of his life. And everyday of his life from this point forward would never be the same, never again. It was about to change forever.
His wife showered and ate breakfast as normal but to him it seemed like she was taking longer than normal. Was this in some way a sign for him to not push forward? Was this delay meant to allow him to fall back asleep? Did she know somehow? No, there was no way she could know of his plan. He hadn’t told her about it to protect her from it. She couldn’t stop him if she did not know of it either. She would try if she knew and he could not have that. He made love to her last night like he had never made love to her before. She had commented on how good it was and that she wanted it like that more often. He promised that he would do just that but it was a promise he knew that he couldn’t keep even as he looked into her brown eyes while he said it. He knew it would be their last time together. He knew what he had to do and nothing could or would stop him. This had been building in him for years now and it was time to do something about it. It had eaten away at him slowly but surely until this point, the point of no return for him. He could not let it go unanswered anymore and finally decided he would provide the answer despite the cost to him. He could see no other way and certainly could not see a way that would be nearly as satisfying as this would be for him personally. It was certainly out of his normal character and nobody would ever think him capable but he was. Soon they would all see that and regret the day they had crossed him.
His wife left and he waited just a little longer as often she would forget something that she would need. She really should have been a blond as forgetful as she was more time than not. He smiled as he heard the keys entering the lock. She was back and came into the bedroom. She came over and softly kissed him on the cheek and whispered that she loved him before she left. The door closed and he felt sadness over take him. She had never done that before, why today? Did she know or suspect? No, there was no way she could he decided and sat up in bed. He pawed around on the nightstand for his glasses and knocked a glass of water. As it shattered on the floor he started to tremble with anger. He hated being this way and it didn’t have to be this way for him. He couldn’t take it any longer as he was just no longer even close to who he used to be before being diagnosed by his knew doctor with diabetes. For years he had it without being diagnosed and it was only after entering the hospital for a bad case of pancreatitis that he found out from the doctors at the hospital. His organs had begun to shut down from the damage being done inside of him. They were able to save him though and get him back on the right track. During all the blood work though they had found his glucose was off in each of their tests it was running way too high. They asked him if he knew he had diabetes and by the look on his face they knew they had just told him. They explained that with some of the damage they were seeing from their tests that he must have known and his doctor must have seen. There was no way not to see it. It was right there and very obvious to them. He told them know he did not know and his doctor had never mentioned it to him. They advised the change of doctors. He found his glasses which were as thick as coke bottle bottoms now. His eyes always used to be perfect and everyone always commented on them, they called them bedroom eyes. They didn’t comment anymore because you couldn’t see them thru these damn glasses. He could barely see out of them and was close to legally blind now. Now with his glasses on he could see the mess of glass and water across his floor. His blood pumped through his body at an even faster pace now. It had already been boiling inside him but now it felt like it was boiling over. He grabbed his cane and got out of bed. The cane was a new addition to his life as his legs, particularly his feet were beginning to lose their sensation. It was the disease progressing yet further. It was robbing him of the life he knew and slowly robbing him of life. He no longer could be the active athletic man that he had always been and because of the weight had increased seemingly with each passing month. He was still strong despite the fading of the chiseled body he once knew so well.
He made his way to the shower and turned it on till he could tell the room was filling with steam. Then he slipped into the hot stream of water as if he were maybe trying to burn away his anger or cleanse his soul. He hoped it would but instead it seemed to fell like it was adding fuel to the fire. There seemed to be nothing that could douse these flames and everything seemed to fan them. He slipped out of the shower and went to make breakfast. He was sitting having egg whites with turkey bacon and two slices of multi grain bread. This was part of his diet plan or glucose control regimen and it worked pretty well for him. It really didn’t matter anymore and he knew that but it wasn’t like eating a couple donuts in the morning would make him feel any better either. This atleast had kept his wife happy and that was important to him. She deserved better than what he had become and he wanted her to be happy. She had been full of life but the diabetes seemed to be sucking the life out of her as well. He knew she felt for him and it weighed on her deeply. Her beauty was something that was kept up over the years. Her long brown hair and soft skin were things that always brought him comfort. Her touch was always warm and loving but some distance had now set in between them. It his fault and not hers as he pushed her away as he became ashamed of what he had become now. She deserved better in his eyes and he knew she felt differently than he did about that so he stopped arguing for her to leave him and find someone better. She wouldn’t ever think of doing that but he always wished she would because it would be easier to be alone and to just let go if she were not involved. He loved her with all his soul and all his being. The anger began to bubble again as he remembered how much he truly loved her and how he hated what had happened to him. He didn’t bother to finish his breakfast as he was suddenly no longer hungry. He also had skipped his insulin this morning as he just did not care if his numbers were high today and in the end he figured it really didn’t matter much either way.
He dressed quickly and left the house without cleaning up the mess of glass and water or the unfinished breakfast. He felt bad about that as it was something he would normally never do. Today though was a different day and normal would not be the word for the day. This would be unlike any other day in his life. This would be the day of his life. He would make sure they knew why when he was done. There would be no doubt left after he had finished what someone else had started. He had let it go long enough, too long probably he thought. His lawyers’ office was on the way to his doctors’ office which was extremely handy on this day. He pulled to a stop in front on his lawyers’ office and walked in. He was greeted warmly by the secretary whom he had grown to know over the years of his case. The case had recently just been settled out of court after years of back and forth with his former doctors’ insurers. The money was not what he was looking for in return for his suffering. Sure it would help with some of the things he would need down the road and they agreed to cover his medical expenses for the rest of his life. Not matter though as they couldn’t give him his life back. They could not take away the damage done to his body with each beat of his heart during the untreated and undiagnosed years. They couldn’t make his pain any less or make his sadness go away. They could just make the burden of his everyday life a little less to worry about by throwing money at him. He thought for a time that maybe the money would be good to have and he could take his wife to Rome to see the Coliseum, Vatican, and Pantheon. They could eat tiramisu all they wanted and he would just take extra insulin to counteract the extra sugar. They could enjoy walking the streets and the little cafes. He knew they would have a great time in this land of so much history. He also knew to watch for the pick pockets that where famous for hanging around the entrance to the Coliseum. He would also try to scoot over to Greece and see the Acropolis during the day and at night. He imagined the sun setting there would be most beautiful. Who was he kidding though as he would not be able to enjoy it. His legs wouldn’t hold up over the journey of walking and what fun would it be to take a cab or drive everywhere. He loved to explore and no longer could do so without a lot of discomfort. He handed the secretary the papers and asked that she make sure her boss got them today. He told her they were extremely important papers. She smiled and said it would be no problem at all. He thought and realized that it should not be a problem since they were getting so much damn money off of him. Nearly 20% of his settlement and then the government is going to take their piece of the pie as well. He felt his heart begin to race as the anger stirred up yet again. He was losing his life and yet everyone else was going to gain from his suffering but him. He said goodbye to the secretary and quickly, as quickly as he could, went back to his car. He settled into the seat and turned the ignition, slammed the car in gear, hammered the gas pedal to begin his journey towards his destination. He calmed down as he sat at the red light.
He was being too hasty and was not thinking clearly. Did he really want to do this? It really would change everything in his life. He knew though that in the end everything would be better off if he did and so he knew he would. He needed to find the strength to be able to get the job done and do it properly. He stopped at the local uniform store and picked up the order he had placed a week ago for a pair of green trousers and green and white striped shirt with his name on the front. This is what they all wore there and he knew he could blend in. He would have to leave the cane behind but the glasses and the limp would probably actually make him fit better than if he had not had them. It was about the only time he ever thought they could be useful to him. He paid for the items and went back to his car. He drove to the waterfront and parked in a lot near the aquarium. He decided he would take a walk through and enjoy the beauty. He would take the elevator to the top and walk down as it would be easier on his legs. Save the strength for later he kept telling himself. Enjoy but save, he repeated in his mind. He hated elevators and their cramped spaces but it was something he had to get used to because of his diabetes getting progressively worse. He had to deal with the anxiety of the cramped space and as his anxiety rose this time so did the pumping of his heart and the anger within. It shouldn’t have to be this and didn’t have to be this way!! Great I get some money but I don’t care as I just want what I can’t have anymore. I want my life back to the way it was and not this farce that it is now. Money, great. He put his head down as his eyes filled with tears. One fell from his eyes and hit his hand on the way to the floor. This only angered him more as he didn’t want to cry and hated that he had come to this point. He wanted to feel like a man again but he didn’t think he ever really would. The elevator came to a stop and he exited with the rest of the crowd but quickly was by himself as the others scurried along. He was glad and thankful for the peace as he slowly strolled by the massive windows of the aquarium. He loved the sharks and their power, their strength, and their mystique. He didn’t feel like a shark anymore though as he once had long ago. Now he felt like the penguins that waddled floors below in their own little pool. It was just for them and safe, they waddled and could not protect themselves from the sharks. He felt like they did as he waddled along the glass walls. He came to a bench and sat to enjoy the view. Sadness started to overcome him again as parents and their children passed by with excited looks. He knew his days for having children were drawing to a close as nothing would be the same again after today. He had already given up his job working with children because he just could not keep up as fatigue can be a factor for diabetics. It certainly was for him and his nerves were frayed now as well so that key patience and understanding he once had was now faded. He missed the job terribly but knew it was for the best. It was a job that he got paid well for doing but the paycheck really was a bonus as he just loved the work. He knew it was time to move and get going with his day. He finished he walk through the aquarium but did not stop to look at the penguins.
Back at his car he gathered the clothing he had just picked up and changed as quickly as he could in the back seat. He felt uncomfortable in the uniform but knew it was needed if he was going to be able to get into the building and past security. His uncle who was not really on the right side of the law had been able to get him an ID that would work as well. It listed him as a janitor with the words “Trainee” at the bottom of his badge. He opened the trunk and grabbed a back pack. He shut the trunk and threw the pack over his shoulder. He was tempted to look inside but knew that everything he needed was there as he had packed it himself. There was nothing at all missing as he went over it time and again to make sure he would be well prepared for this day. It was the most important day of his young life. He headed toward the stairs but decided to take the elevator as it was important to save the strength for later. He would face the anxiety the elevator would bring as it was the lesser of two evils at this point in time. When he left the garage he headed down the street towards the Metro Hospital. There was a slight breeze and on it he caught a hint of the pastries. He guessed it was from the local donut shop just down the street. The smell was sweet and calling for him to stop in to grab a cinnamon bun. He did just that and savored its sweet taste as it had been years since he had one of these. It tasted so good that the juices in his mouth were almost enough to make him choke. He used the restroom to wash his hands of the mess from the icing. He was tempted to lick his fingers but decided against it for some unknown reason. The hospital was just across the street now and he had a sense of fear begin to bubble up. As he crossed the street he looked up to the top of the 40 story hospital. It was taller then he remembers and certainly was going to be very busy inside. He knew that was a good thing as it would enable him to blend in easier with the crowd. He knew nobody would pay attention to him as he was in his janitors uniform and they were the type of people who were left to there business. As he approached the doors they opened and he froze when he saw who was headed his way. This could ruin everything and he couldn’t have that now. He lowered his head and shuffled his feet forward. He almost forgot to breath and needed to get some air into his lungs before he gasped for it and brought attention his way. The doctor passed him without a batting of the eye and he breathed a sign of relief. He made his way to the first bank of elevators but decided to keep going. These were for quests and patients, today he was neither. For now he was an employee and he headed to the elevators in the service area. He hoped on with a few other employees who were friendly with one another. They seemed to be talking about a party they had been at last night. He really didn’t care as long as they were occupied with something other than him. The only thing he had that a janitor probably wouldn’t be taking on the upper floors was his back pack but he pressed into the corner and it was mostly hidden behind him. He was nervous but he did not need to be as these young workers barely new he was there at all. They certainly did not care what he had or did not have with him. They got off on the 12th floor and he was left to ride to the 30th by himself which was not exactly a ride he welcomed. It was easier to have others in the car as it helped calm his nerves a little as he would not be alone if the elevator got stucco or malfunctioned in some way. Today though it was probably a good thing for him. As the elevator stopped on the 30th floor and the doors opened he felt a rush of heat pass through his body. His heart fluttered a little as he knew he was almost there and soon, very soon he would be right there.
He entered the double doors leading to the clinic which served the young, the poor, the elderly, and pretty much anyone who was under privileged in some way in the county. The place was always busy but today it looked fairly quiet. If the doctor he passed at the entry of the building was on his way out it meant that there was probably only one doctor and a few PA’s on for the clinic right now with a few nurses running around doing the real work. He was not stopped or questioned by anyone as he shuffled along with his head down. He saw the office at the end of the hall and boy did it seem like a tunnel right now to get there. It seemed like the hallway had narrowed and was just wide enough for him and was miles long. His heart was pounding and he swore his chest was heaving outward with every beat. His pace picked up and a bead of sweat ran down the side of his face. As he got closer he could see the office appeared to be empty. Closer still and he knew it was empty as he had hoped. He read the name on the door just to make sure it was the name he had wanted to see right then. It was and he entered, closing the door behind him gently. He was scared and his knees where shaking. He could still back out but really did not want to do so. This was the man at the root of all his pain and discomfort. This man had ruined his life and brought him to this state of disrepair. He had taken him to court and tried to get his license taken away but the hospital fought for him. He is still just as he was before it all began and maybe even a little more powerful here. He blamed others for what he had missed and their heads had been on the chopping block. They had been his sacrifices to try to make things right and reassure the community that something like this could never happen again. Many in the community obviously bought into his story as he was still able to practice right here in the same place. He is anger now began to overtake any fear that remained. He knew what he had to do and that it was the right thing. What happened to him could not be allowed to happen to anyone else. This doctor would not miss another diagnosis and he would make sure of it. He heard footsteps out side of the door and voices nearing. They were heading his way. He hid behind the door and pulled the gun from his backpack. The gun felt cold and uncomfortable in his hands. He had never used one before and actually had never even held one since he was a boy and played with toy guns. He slipped the safety off of the magnum and held it tightly with his finger feeling the trigger.
The voices and footsteps faded only to be replaced with new heavy footsteps walking slowly in his direction. He knew this was the doctor as something deep inside him woke up suddenly. He felt a surge of energy and excitement. He felt so alive at that moment. The steps stopped outside the door and the handle began to move to open the door. It seemed like it was in slow motion and moving as if it was almost frozen in time. He could hear the thump of his heart as well. It was slow and very loud to him. His eyes were wide open taking in everything. His glasses seemed like they had some magnifying in them that he did not know about before now. His ears could hear the latch retreating into the door. It was about to open!!!
The door opened and in came the man who had changed his life. The anger almost became too much to control as he just wanted to lunge for him. As the doctor closed the door he still had not see him. Once the door closed he stepped behind the doctor and pressed the gun into his back. He told him to sit in the chair and if he made a peep he would kill him right then and there as he just did not care. The doctor slowly sat in the chair. He was a heavy set man in his late 50’s that had been practicing medicine for 30 years. The fear was easy to see in his eyes as he could not hide it. His hands had a slight tremble to them as well. He told the doc it was time to have a talk and the doctor nodded in agreement. The doctor told him it did not have to be this way and that he could arrange for him to get more money away form all the lawyers if that was what he was after. No, no it was not the money he reassured the shaken doctor. It cost much more than any money could buy. The price he paid was very high and in return he thought the good ole doc should be willing to pay the same price or atleast close to it. The doctor asked what he wanted if it was not money and begged not to be killed. He told the doctor that he would only kill him if he brought attention to them. He did not want to kill him and hoped he did not have to do so. That seemed to ease the doctor a little as he readjusted in the chair. He told him that he wanted him to stop practicing medicine and that was what it had always been about and never about money anyway. The doctor looked at him curiously and asked what he meant. You cost me by not diagnosing me earlier and now I suffer everyday. The damage did not need to be done like it has been done to my body. His anger started to boil again and he thought maybe I should just kill him and be done with this whole thing but that would take away the fun of it all. Did he not deserve a little fun after all the fun he had lost? This was not the fun he wanted but it was the fun he was left with after the diabetes began to take its toll on his body. So now as he study the doctor and the doctor study him it was an eerie quiet with neither quite sure what was going to happen next. He instructed the doctor to kneel on the floor and place his hand on the desk. The doctor did so reluctantly and was soon in the position. He reached into his bag and took out a couple pairs of handcuffs. The doctor withdrew his hands which immediately brought a swift blow to the side of his face from the gun. It drew blood and as the blood began to trickle down the doctors face and onto his white coat he put his hands back out onto the desk. He looked up but said nothing as the trembling increased. As he struck the doctor he felt a bit of sadness inside of himself as he was not like this and was sad it had come to this for him. He knew though there was no other way for him to get what he felt society had robbed him of by letting this man keep practicing medicine. Now he would make everything right and save someone else from the pain he now endured. It was his calling or so he felt inside that it was his to do. He handcuffed the doctor so that one hand was attached to each side of his desk. The doctor almost looked like he was bowing now but if someone came in it would look like he was searching for something under his desk. Now with the doctor safely locked down to the desk he reached into his backpack and took out a new toy. The doctor could not see what it was but could tell it was shiny. He felt helpless as he could not move his arms to defend himself. He reminded the doctor that any noise to call attention to them would result in his death and that is was important for him to remain quiet. He took the knife and slid it across the back of the doctors’ ankle, slicing his Achilles tendon. The doctor squirmed in pain but did not make a noise as he was instructed not to do so by his captor. He told the doctor that now he would limp and know what it was like for him everyday. He turned the knife to a different angle and jammed it straight through the doctors’ foot, the same leg he had just cut the tendon on. The doctor made a little noise and you could see the pain on his face as he grimaced. He left the knife there as the blood oozed out around it and down the doctors shoe to the floor, beginning to make a small puddle. He told the doctor that he would be reminded everyday when he went to put on a sock that his job was important that his mistakes cost people things that are important in their lives and that he owed them 110% effort every time. He pulled out a box of 100 syringes and set them on the floor in front of the doctor. The doctors eyes widened and he begged for this to end and said he understood. He promised to be a better doctor and he would always remember this day to make him one. It was almost enough to make him stop but he simply could not believe the man even if he wanted to do so as he remembered how he had lied in court and never flinched while doing so and never showed any remorse for his actions. His anger burst and he grabbed the box of needles which he had filled earlier in the day. Some had just water but a few had insulin in them. He had calculated the doctors’ weight and how much insulin it would take to put him into diabetic shock for low blood sugar. He would make the doctor feel the needles and feel the fear of your sugar dropping. He told the doctor to remember that he was not going to kill and this was all about lessons to be learned if he was to keep his license and practice. The doctor promised to give up practicing but he did not believe him. He inserted the needles one at a time and the doctor began to cry as he emptied each one and left them still dangling from his skin. He told the doctor to stop being a baby as he had to give himself four shots a day plus prick his finger 3 times a day. He would give the doctor no sympathy with the needles. He told him to feel it and remember it for the patients he would have in the future. It should help him learn to be empathetic to his patients. As he neared the 100th needle the doctor was shaking and sweating. He was feeling his sugar drop and told his captor he was afraid and did not want to go into shock. He reached into his pack again and now placed a candy bar unopened in front of the doctor. Eat it he whispered and taste what you so quickly tell us not to taste. The doctor ate the candy bar as fast as he could and even swallowed some of the paper. Now with chocolate on his face he looked up wondering what might be next. He again pleaded saying he understood and would be a better doctor. He said in fact he would change and devote the rest of his career to helping diabetics. He withdrew the knife from the doctors’ foot which sent the doctor writhing in pain. He unlocked one of the pairs of handcuffs to allow the doctor to begin taking out his needles. He placed the keys on the desk and left. He hurried to the elevator and once on the ground out the door into the busy street. He walked back to the aquarium and was in his car before he heard the sirens. They did not come for him but were headed to the hospital as the doctor had called the police just as he knew the man would once he was free. He quickly changed his clothes back to his regular clothing. He left his car there and walked out of the garage. He left the city and his wife. He had planned it out well and was able to flee the country.
He stayed in hiding until one day he saw the doctor on the news out front of a court building with a team of lawyers. He said he had done nothing wrong and would be proven innocent. Watching this only made his blood boil. He left his hiding spot and headed back. Again he slipped into the doctors’ office and waited for him. The door opened and closed. This time though when it closed the doctor spoke to him as he knew he was there waiting for him. The doctor slowly turned to face him and saw the gun withdrawn and pointed straight at him. The doctor lunged towards him and he pulled the trigger. The doctor fell at his feet as the shot had hit him in the heart. He knew now that the only way to get his message out was to get captured and talk to anyone who would listen. He sat in the office and waited for them to come get him and that was just what they did soon enough.
He pleaded guilty to murder and his shattered wife was still by his side. She told him she understood and would love him always. She would take up his fight and soldier on with it. He felt like maybe he had made a difference in some way but he knew the choices he made were ones that were just as costly to him as the doctors had been to him years ago. He looked at his wife and he wept.
In prison he slowly faded away as the diabetes took his vision and took one of his feet as well. It could not take his heart because that was already long gone. It finally took his life.
The alarm clock went off and his wife slipped out of bed. He laid there still apparently sleeping. Today would not be like every other day when he would just go back to sleep while she went about the business of getting ready for work. He would let her do what she needed to do and be on her way but he would not go back to sleep. He could not as today would not be like any other day of his life. And everyday of his life from this point forward would never be the same, never again. It was about to change forever.
His wife showered and ate breakfast as normal but to him it seemed like she was taking longer than normal. Was this in some way a sign for him to not push forward? Was this delay meant to allow him to fall back asleep? Did she know somehow? No, there was no way she could know of his plan. He hadn’t told her about it to protect her from it. She couldn’t stop him if she did not know of it either. She would try if she knew and he could not have that. He made love to her last night like he had never made love to her before. She had commented on how good it was and that she wanted it like that more often. He promised that he would do just that but it was a promise he knew that he couldn’t keep even as he looked into her brown eyes while he said it. He knew it would be their last time together. He knew what he had to do and nothing could or would stop him. This had been building in him for years now and it was time to do something about it. It had eaten away at him slowly but surely until this point, the point of no return for him. He could not let it go unanswered anymore and finally decided he would provide the answer despite the cost to him. He could see no other way and certainly could not see a way that would be nearly as satisfying as this would be for him personally. It was certainly out of his normal character and nobody would ever think him capable but he was. Soon they would all see that and regret the day they had crossed him.
His wife left and he waited just a little longer as often she would forget something that she would need. She really should have been a blond as forgetful as she was more time than not. He smiled as he heard the keys entering the lock. She was back and came into the bedroom. She came over and softly kissed him on the cheek and whispered that she loved him before she left. The door closed and he felt sadness over take him. She had never done that before, why today? Did she know or suspect? No, there was no way she could he decided and sat up in bed. He pawed around on the nightstand for his glasses and knocked a glass of water. As it shattered on the floor he started to tremble with anger. He hated being this way and it didn’t have to be this way for him. He couldn’t take it any longer as he was just no longer even close to who he used to be before being diagnosed by his knew doctor with diabetes. For years he had it without being diagnosed and it was only after entering the hospital for a bad case of pancreatitis that he found out from the doctors at the hospital. His organs had begun to shut down from the damage being done inside of him. They were able to save him though and get him back on the right track. During all the blood work though they had found his glucose was off in each of their tests it was running way too high. They asked him if he knew he had diabetes and by the look on his face they knew they had just told him. They explained that with some of the damage they were seeing from their tests that he must have known and his doctor must have seen. There was no way not to see it. It was right there and very obvious to them. He told them know he did not know and his doctor had never mentioned it to him. They advised the change of doctors. He found his glasses which were as thick as coke bottle bottoms now. His eyes always used to be perfect and everyone always commented on them, they called them bedroom eyes. They didn’t comment anymore because you couldn’t see them thru these damn glasses. He could barely see out of them and was close to legally blind now. Now with his glasses on he could see the mess of glass and water across his floor. His blood pumped through his body at an even faster pace now. It had already been boiling inside him but now it felt like it was boiling over. He grabbed his cane and got out of bed. The cane was a new addition to his life as his legs, particularly his feet were beginning to lose their sensation. It was the disease progressing yet further. It was robbing him of the life he knew and slowly robbing him of life. He no longer could be the active athletic man that he had always been and because of the weight had increased seemingly with each passing month. He was still strong despite the fading of the chiseled body he once knew so well.
He made his way to the shower and turned it on till he could tell the room was filling with steam. Then he slipped into the hot stream of water as if he were maybe trying to burn away his anger or cleanse his soul. He hoped it would but instead it seemed to fell like it was adding fuel to the fire. There seemed to be nothing that could douse these flames and everything seemed to fan them. He slipped out of the shower and went to make breakfast. He was sitting having egg whites with turkey bacon and two slices of multi grain bread. This was part of his diet plan or glucose control regimen and it worked pretty well for him. It really didn’t matter anymore and he knew that but it wasn’t like eating a couple donuts in the morning would make him feel any better either. This atleast had kept his wife happy and that was important to him. She deserved better than what he had become and he wanted her to be happy. She had been full of life but the diabetes seemed to be sucking the life out of her as well. He knew she felt for him and it weighed on her deeply. Her beauty was something that was kept up over the years. Her long brown hair and soft skin were things that always brought him comfort. Her touch was always warm and loving but some distance had now set in between them. It his fault and not hers as he pushed her away as he became ashamed of what he had become now. She deserved better in his eyes and he knew she felt differently than he did about that so he stopped arguing for her to leave him and find someone better. She wouldn’t ever think of doing that but he always wished she would because it would be easier to be alone and to just let go if she were not involved. He loved her with all his soul and all his being. The anger began to bubble again as he remembered how much he truly loved her and how he hated what had happened to him. He didn’t bother to finish his breakfast as he was suddenly no longer hungry. He also had skipped his insulin this morning as he just did not care if his numbers were high today and in the end he figured it really didn’t matter much either way.
He dressed quickly and left the house without cleaning up the mess of glass and water or the unfinished breakfast. He felt bad about that as it was something he would normally never do. Today though was a different day and normal would not be the word for the day. This would be unlike any other day in his life. This would be the day of his life. He would make sure they knew why when he was done. There would be no doubt left after he had finished what someone else had started. He had let it go long enough, too long probably he thought. His lawyers’ office was on the way to his doctors’ office which was extremely handy on this day. He pulled to a stop in front on his lawyers’ office and walked in. He was greeted warmly by the secretary whom he had grown to know over the years of his case. The case had recently just been settled out of court after years of back and forth with his former doctors’ insurers. The money was not what he was looking for in return for his suffering. Sure it would help with some of the things he would need down the road and they agreed to cover his medical expenses for the rest of his life. Not matter though as they couldn’t give him his life back. They could not take away the damage done to his body with each beat of his heart during the untreated and undiagnosed years. They couldn’t make his pain any less or make his sadness go away. They could just make the burden of his everyday life a little less to worry about by throwing money at him. He thought for a time that maybe the money would be good to have and he could take his wife to Rome to see the Coliseum, Vatican, and Pantheon. They could eat tiramisu all they wanted and he would just take extra insulin to counteract the extra sugar. They could enjoy walking the streets and the little cafes. He knew they would have a great time in this land of so much history. He also knew to watch for the pick pockets that where famous for hanging around the entrance to the Coliseum. He would also try to scoot over to Greece and see the Acropolis during the day and at night. He imagined the sun setting there would be most beautiful. Who was he kidding though as he would not be able to enjoy it. His legs wouldn’t hold up over the journey of walking and what fun would it be to take a cab or drive everywhere. He loved to explore and no longer could do so without a lot of discomfort. He handed the secretary the papers and asked that she make sure her boss got them today. He told her they were extremely important papers. She smiled and said it would be no problem at all. He thought and realized that it should not be a problem since they were getting so much damn money off of him. Nearly 20% of his settlement and then the government is going to take their piece of the pie as well. He felt his heart begin to race as the anger stirred up yet again. He was losing his life and yet everyone else was going to gain from his suffering but him. He said goodbye to the secretary and quickly, as quickly as he could, went back to his car. He settled into the seat and turned the ignition, slammed the car in gear, hammered the gas pedal to begin his journey towards his destination. He calmed down as he sat at the red light.
He was being too hasty and was not thinking clearly. Did he really want to do this? It really would change everything in his life. He knew though that in the end everything would be better off if he did and so he knew he would. He needed to find the strength to be able to get the job done and do it properly. He stopped at the local uniform store and picked up the order he had placed a week ago for a pair of green trousers and green and white striped shirt with his name on the front. This is what they all wore there and he knew he could blend in. He would have to leave the cane behind but the glasses and the limp would probably actually make him fit better than if he had not had them. It was about the only time he ever thought they could be useful to him. He paid for the items and went back to his car. He drove to the waterfront and parked in a lot near the aquarium. He decided he would take a walk through and enjoy the beauty. He would take the elevator to the top and walk down as it would be easier on his legs. Save the strength for later he kept telling himself. Enjoy but save, he repeated in his mind. He hated elevators and their cramped spaces but it was something he had to get used to because of his diabetes getting progressively worse. He had to deal with the anxiety of the cramped space and as his anxiety rose this time so did the pumping of his heart and the anger within. It shouldn’t have to be this and didn’t have to be this way!! Great I get some money but I don’t care as I just want what I can’t have anymore. I want my life back to the way it was and not this farce that it is now. Money, great. He put his head down as his eyes filled with tears. One fell from his eyes and hit his hand on the way to the floor. This only angered him more as he didn’t want to cry and hated that he had come to this point. He wanted to feel like a man again but he didn’t think he ever really would. The elevator came to a stop and he exited with the rest of the crowd but quickly was by himself as the others scurried along. He was glad and thankful for the peace as he slowly strolled by the massive windows of the aquarium. He loved the sharks and their power, their strength, and their mystique. He didn’t feel like a shark anymore though as he once had long ago. Now he felt like the penguins that waddled floors below in their own little pool. It was just for them and safe, they waddled and could not protect themselves from the sharks. He felt like they did as he waddled along the glass walls. He came to a bench and sat to enjoy the view. Sadness started to overcome him again as parents and their children passed by with excited looks. He knew his days for having children were drawing to a close as nothing would be the same again after today. He had already given up his job working with children because he just could not keep up as fatigue can be a factor for diabetics. It certainly was for him and his nerves were frayed now as well so that key patience and understanding he once had was now faded. He missed the job terribly but knew it was for the best. It was a job that he got paid well for doing but the paycheck really was a bonus as he just loved the work. He knew it was time to move and get going with his day. He finished he walk through the aquarium but did not stop to look at the penguins.
Back at his car he gathered the clothing he had just picked up and changed as quickly as he could in the back seat. He felt uncomfortable in the uniform but knew it was needed if he was going to be able to get into the building and past security. His uncle who was not really on the right side of the law had been able to get him an ID that would work as well. It listed him as a janitor with the words “Trainee” at the bottom of his badge. He opened the trunk and grabbed a back pack. He shut the trunk and threw the pack over his shoulder. He was tempted to look inside but knew that everything he needed was there as he had packed it himself. There was nothing at all missing as he went over it time and again to make sure he would be well prepared for this day. It was the most important day of his young life. He headed toward the stairs but decided to take the elevator as it was important to save the strength for later. He would face the anxiety the elevator would bring as it was the lesser of two evils at this point in time. When he left the garage he headed down the street towards the Metro Hospital. There was a slight breeze and on it he caught a hint of the pastries. He guessed it was from the local donut shop just down the street. The smell was sweet and calling for him to stop in to grab a cinnamon bun. He did just that and savored its sweet taste as it had been years since he had one of these. It tasted so good that the juices in his mouth were almost enough to make him choke. He used the restroom to wash his hands of the mess from the icing. He was tempted to lick his fingers but decided against it for some unknown reason. The hospital was just across the street now and he had a sense of fear begin to bubble up. As he crossed the street he looked up to the top of the 40 story hospital. It was taller then he remembers and certainly was going to be very busy inside. He knew that was a good thing as it would enable him to blend in easier with the crowd. He knew nobody would pay attention to him as he was in his janitors uniform and they were the type of people who were left to there business. As he approached the doors they opened and he froze when he saw who was headed his way. This could ruin everything and he couldn’t have that now. He lowered his head and shuffled his feet forward. He almost forgot to breath and needed to get some air into his lungs before he gasped for it and brought attention his way. The doctor passed him without a batting of the eye and he breathed a sign of relief. He made his way to the first bank of elevators but decided to keep going. These were for quests and patients, today he was neither. For now he was an employee and he headed to the elevators in the service area. He hoped on with a few other employees who were friendly with one another. They seemed to be talking about a party they had been at last night. He really didn’t care as long as they were occupied with something other than him. The only thing he had that a janitor probably wouldn’t be taking on the upper floors was his back pack but he pressed into the corner and it was mostly hidden behind him. He was nervous but he did not need to be as these young workers barely new he was there at all. They certainly did not care what he had or did not have with him. They got off on the 12th floor and he was left to ride to the 30th by himself which was not exactly a ride he welcomed. It was easier to have others in the car as it helped calm his nerves a little as he would not be alone if the elevator got stucco or malfunctioned in some way. Today though it was probably a good thing for him. As the elevator stopped on the 30th floor and the doors opened he felt a rush of heat pass through his body. His heart fluttered a little as he knew he was almost there and soon, very soon he would be right there.
He entered the double doors leading to the clinic which served the young, the poor, the elderly, and pretty much anyone who was under privileged in some way in the county. The place was always busy but today it looked fairly quiet. If the doctor he passed at the entry of the building was on his way out it meant that there was probably only one doctor and a few PA’s on for the clinic right now with a few nurses running around doing the real work. He was not stopped or questioned by anyone as he shuffled along with his head down. He saw the office at the end of the hall and boy did it seem like a tunnel right now to get there. It seemed like the hallway had narrowed and was just wide enough for him and was miles long. His heart was pounding and he swore his chest was heaving outward with every beat. His pace picked up and a bead of sweat ran down the side of his face. As he got closer he could see the office appeared to be empty. Closer still and he knew it was empty as he had hoped. He read the name on the door just to make sure it was the name he had wanted to see right then. It was and he entered, closing the door behind him gently. He was scared and his knees where shaking. He could still back out but really did not want to do so. This was the man at the root of all his pain and discomfort. This man had ruined his life and brought him to this state of disrepair. He had taken him to court and tried to get his license taken away but the hospital fought for him. He is still just as he was before it all began and maybe even a little more powerful here. He blamed others for what he had missed and their heads had been on the chopping block. They had been his sacrifices to try to make things right and reassure the community that something like this could never happen again. Many in the community obviously bought into his story as he was still able to practice right here in the same place. He is anger now began to overtake any fear that remained. He knew what he had to do and that it was the right thing. What happened to him could not be allowed to happen to anyone else. This doctor would not miss another diagnosis and he would make sure of it. He heard footsteps out side of the door and voices nearing. They were heading his way. He hid behind the door and pulled the gun from his backpack. The gun felt cold and uncomfortable in his hands. He had never used one before and actually had never even held one since he was a boy and played with toy guns. He slipped the safety off of the magnum and held it tightly with his finger feeling the trigger.
The voices and footsteps faded only to be replaced with new heavy footsteps walking slowly in his direction. He knew this was the doctor as something deep inside him woke up suddenly. He felt a surge of energy and excitement. He felt so alive at that moment. The steps stopped outside the door and the handle began to move to open the door. It seemed like it was in slow motion and moving as if it was almost frozen in time. He could hear the thump of his heart as well. It was slow and very loud to him. His eyes were wide open taking in everything. His glasses seemed like they had some magnifying in them that he did not know about before now. His ears could hear the latch retreating into the door. It was about to open!!!
The door opened and in came the man who had changed his life. The anger almost became too much to control as he just wanted to lunge for him. As the doctor closed the door he still had not see him. Once the door closed he stepped behind the doctor and pressed the gun into his back. He told him to sit in the chair and if he made a peep he would kill him right then and there as he just did not care. The doctor slowly sat in the chair. He was a heavy set man in his late 50’s that had been practicing medicine for 30 years. The fear was easy to see in his eyes as he could not hide it. His hands had a slight tremble to them as well. He told the doc it was time to have a talk and the doctor nodded in agreement. The doctor told him it did not have to be this way and that he could arrange for him to get more money away form all the lawyers if that was what he was after. No, no it was not the money he reassured the shaken doctor. It cost much more than any money could buy. The price he paid was very high and in return he thought the good ole doc should be willing to pay the same price or atleast close to it. The doctor asked what he wanted if it was not money and begged not to be killed. He told the doctor that he would only kill him if he brought attention to them. He did not want to kill him and hoped he did not have to do so. That seemed to ease the doctor a little as he readjusted in the chair. He told him that he wanted him to stop practicing medicine and that was what it had always been about and never about money anyway. The doctor looked at him curiously and asked what he meant. You cost me by not diagnosing me earlier and now I suffer everyday. The damage did not need to be done like it has been done to my body. His anger started to boil again and he thought maybe I should just kill him and be done with this whole thing but that would take away the fun of it all. Did he not deserve a little fun after all the fun he had lost? This was not the fun he wanted but it was the fun he was left with after the diabetes began to take its toll on his body. So now as he study the doctor and the doctor study him it was an eerie quiet with neither quite sure what was going to happen next. He instructed the doctor to kneel on the floor and place his hand on the desk. The doctor did so reluctantly and was soon in the position. He reached into his bag and took out a couple pairs of handcuffs. The doctor withdrew his hands which immediately brought a swift blow to the side of his face from the gun. It drew blood and as the blood began to trickle down the doctors face and onto his white coat he put his hands back out onto the desk. He looked up but said nothing as the trembling increased. As he struck the doctor he felt a bit of sadness inside of himself as he was not like this and was sad it had come to this for him. He knew though there was no other way for him to get what he felt society had robbed him of by letting this man keep practicing medicine. Now he would make everything right and save someone else from the pain he now endured. It was his calling or so he felt inside that it was his to do. He handcuffed the doctor so that one hand was attached to each side of his desk. The doctor almost looked like he was bowing now but if someone came in it would look like he was searching for something under his desk. Now with the doctor safely locked down to the desk he reached into his backpack and took out a new toy. The doctor could not see what it was but could tell it was shiny. He felt helpless as he could not move his arms to defend himself. He reminded the doctor that any noise to call attention to them would result in his death and that is was important for him to remain quiet. He took the knife and slid it across the back of the doctors’ ankle, slicing his Achilles tendon. The doctor squirmed in pain but did not make a noise as he was instructed not to do so by his captor. He told the doctor that now he would limp and know what it was like for him everyday. He turned the knife to a different angle and jammed it straight through the doctors’ foot, the same leg he had just cut the tendon on. The doctor made a little noise and you could see the pain on his face as he grimaced. He left the knife there as the blood oozed out around it and down the doctors shoe to the floor, beginning to make a small puddle. He told the doctor that he would be reminded everyday when he went to put on a sock that his job was important that his mistakes cost people things that are important in their lives and that he owed them 110% effort every time. He pulled out a box of 100 syringes and set them on the floor in front of the doctor. The doctors eyes widened and he begged for this to end and said he understood. He promised to be a better doctor and he would always remember this day to make him one. It was almost enough to make him stop but he simply could not believe the man even if he wanted to do so as he remembered how he had lied in court and never flinched while doing so and never showed any remorse for his actions. His anger burst and he grabbed the box of needles which he had filled earlier in the day. Some had just water but a few had insulin in them. He had calculated the doctors’ weight and how much insulin it would take to put him into diabetic shock for low blood sugar. He would make the doctor feel the needles and feel the fear of your sugar dropping. He told the doctor to remember that he was not going to kill and this was all about lessons to be learned if he was to keep his license and practice. The doctor promised to give up practicing but he did not believe him. He inserted the needles one at a time and the doctor began to cry as he emptied each one and left them still dangling from his skin. He told the doctor to stop being a baby as he had to give himself four shots a day plus prick his finger 3 times a day. He would give the doctor no sympathy with the needles. He told him to feel it and remember it for the patients he would have in the future. It should help him learn to be empathetic to his patients. As he neared the 100th needle the doctor was shaking and sweating. He was feeling his sugar drop and told his captor he was afraid and did not want to go into shock. He reached into his pack again and now placed a candy bar unopened in front of the doctor. Eat it he whispered and taste what you so quickly tell us not to taste. The doctor ate the candy bar as fast as he could and even swallowed some of the paper. Now with chocolate on his face he looked up wondering what might be next. He again pleaded saying he understood and would be a better doctor. He said in fact he would change and devote the rest of his career to helping diabetics. He withdrew the knife from the doctors’ foot which sent the doctor writhing in pain. He unlocked one of the pairs of handcuffs to allow the doctor to begin taking out his needles. He placed the keys on the desk and left. He hurried to the elevator and once on the ground out the door into the busy street. He walked back to the aquarium and was in his car before he heard the sirens. They did not come for him but were headed to the hospital as the doctor had called the police just as he knew the man would once he was free. He quickly changed his clothes back to his regular clothing. He left his car there and walked out of the garage. He left the city and his wife. He had planned it out well and was able to flee the country.
He stayed in hiding until one day he saw the doctor on the news out front of a court building with a team of lawyers. He said he had done nothing wrong and would be proven innocent. Watching this only made his blood boil. He left his hiding spot and headed back. Again he slipped into the doctors’ office and waited for him. The door opened and closed. This time though when it closed the doctor spoke to him as he knew he was there waiting for him. The doctor slowly turned to face him and saw the gun withdrawn and pointed straight at him. The doctor lunged towards him and he pulled the trigger. The doctor fell at his feet as the shot had hit him in the heart. He knew now that the only way to get his message out was to get captured and talk to anyone who would listen. He sat in the office and waited for them to come get him and that was just what they did soon enough.
He pleaded guilty to murder and his shattered wife was still by his side. She told him she understood and would love him always. She would take up his fight and soldier on with it. He felt like maybe he had made a difference in some way but he knew the choices he made were ones that were just as costly to him as the doctors had been to him years ago. He looked at his wife and he wept.
In prison he slowly faded away as the diabetes took his vision and took one of his feet as well. It could not take his heart because that was already long gone. It finally took his life.
deviled
Deviled
Do you see it when you look at me?
I know you see it too.
The pain is there right below the surface.
Just waiting to bubble over.
Just waiting to burst out.
Some days I wish it would too.
Other days I do all I can to keep it buried within me.
I know you can see it in me.
I can tell just by the way you look at me.
I see it in your eyes.
I feel it in your touch.
You want to save me.
Save me from the devil.
You can’t though as the devil you see.
Well, that devil sure is a part of me.
It lives within me, deep within.
It bubbles to the surface just begging to come out.
Can you handle what you see?
Or do you fear me?
Do you see it when you look at me?
I know you see it too.
The pain is there right below the surface.
Just waiting to bubble over.
Just waiting to burst out.
Some days I wish it would too.
Other days I do all I can to keep it buried within me.
I know you can see it in me.
I can tell just by the way you look at me.
I see it in your eyes.
I feel it in your touch.
You want to save me.
Save me from the devil.
You can’t though as the devil you see.
Well, that devil sure is a part of me.
It lives within me, deep within.
It bubbles to the surface just begging to come out.
Can you handle what you see?
Or do you fear me?
The Devil
The devil
It is okay now girl.
Rest your weary eyes.
Rest them right here with me.
I will protect you now.
Safe here with me.
For the rest of the days ahead.
They are now ours to journey.
It took awhile for you to get away.
The devil, he had you in his hold.
And didn’t want to let go.
He was sucking the life right out of you.
I could see it in your eyes.
I wanted to break you free.
So you could be with me.
It made me so sad to know the hell you were in.
The hell you wanted to escape but couldn’t seem to take the steps.
So low was your morale that moving was hard as hell.
Almost giving in to what he wanted and letting him win.
Your married him and had kids but he took your very soul.
He tried to suck the life right out of you.
Bring you to your knees and trap for life.
The man you married became the devil himself.
Hurting you more than loving you everyday.
Turning you from a beautiful bride to a woman without hope.
I saw you and it broke my heart and touched my soul.
Our eyes met and you took a piece of my soul.
Alive you are now and loving again.
Run to me and let us walk towards forever.
A dream come true?
From rags to riches of the heart?
Lets get movin now that you are groovin.
Down the road we go towards our destiny.
I am yours and you are mine.
Lets just leave the damn devil behind.
It is okay now girl.
Rest your weary eyes.
Rest them right here with me.
I will protect you now.
Safe here with me.
For the rest of the days ahead.
They are now ours to journey.
It took awhile for you to get away.
The devil, he had you in his hold.
And didn’t want to let go.
He was sucking the life right out of you.
I could see it in your eyes.
I wanted to break you free.
So you could be with me.
It made me so sad to know the hell you were in.
The hell you wanted to escape but couldn’t seem to take the steps.
So low was your morale that moving was hard as hell.
Almost giving in to what he wanted and letting him win.
Your married him and had kids but he took your very soul.
He tried to suck the life right out of you.
Bring you to your knees and trap for life.
The man you married became the devil himself.
Hurting you more than loving you everyday.
Turning you from a beautiful bride to a woman without hope.
I saw you and it broke my heart and touched my soul.
Our eyes met and you took a piece of my soul.
Alive you are now and loving again.
Run to me and let us walk towards forever.
A dream come true?
From rags to riches of the heart?
Lets get movin now that you are groovin.
Down the road we go towards our destiny.
I am yours and you are mine.
Lets just leave the damn devil behind.
Desire
Desire
Look into my eyes
Can you see my soul?
Come on in
Into my den of desire
Fall for my baby blues
They want to welcome you
Into the den
The den of desire
It is so easy to do
In and you are mine
Mine for a lifetime
If I so choose.
Or maybe it is heartache that awaits you
Once in, it is no longer up to you
So come on in
Are you the lucky one?
Yes, yes come right in
Into the den of desire.
My baby blues await you.
Look into my eyes
Can you see my soul?
Come on in
Into my den of desire
Fall for my baby blues
They want to welcome you
Into the den
The den of desire
It is so easy to do
In and you are mine
Mine for a lifetime
If I so choose.
Or maybe it is heartache that awaits you
Once in, it is no longer up to you
So come on in
Are you the lucky one?
Yes, yes come right in
Into the den of desire.
My baby blues await you.
Depression: A conversation!!
Depression: A conversation!!
This was originally a conversation between myself and another person. The other person did not want there part of the conversation to be shared. I no longer talk to this person. However, I have still altered that part of the conversation. My part is as it was though. REAL!!! 100% REAL AND RAW!!!
UNKNOWN-why are you writing about depression in blog? Were you depressed? Are you experiencing it now?
Lloyd=yes, at times. A lot more in my past then now though. Ties in to how I grew up and never ever heard positives at home, always the negative. Now though I am figuring it all out so to speak and letting it all come out. I feel so much better this way...... almost free.
UNKNOWN -Can I pick your brain about depression?
Lloyd=ask anything you want...... I will answer honestly
UNKNOWN -I have a friend who is depressed and I need answers. I do not understand what is happening. I want to help but it only seems to make it worse or he withdraws more. Should I just back off and give space?
Lloyd= well, depression different for each person and often different for the person from experience to experience. The severity and length varies as well. Space, that is a very tough thing because sometimes when I pushed away I really wanted space and sometimes I really just wanted you to try harder. I know that does not make a lot of sense but it is true. If you pull away easily then you validate my feelings of worthlessness and if you push to hard then I push back because it feels good in some ways to fight, to do something. To rebel, resist.
UNKNOWN -Deep down does he want help? Numbness and sadness seem to both be here and stopping him from feeling “normal”. Could it be him pushing back?
Lloyd= Well, it is certainly possible. I would guess that if he were at the end of the rope that he would shut you out and push you away in some way that you have not seen before. When I got to the end of the rope back in 88 I knew, I just knew it was either find help now or not be here anymore. I found help, maybe because I didn’t want to prove my Dad right but I found help.
Does he know why he is depressed? If he does then unraveling it can happen with help. If he knows what starts or feeds it then you can learn to put blocks in the way to give yourself more time. I kind of think of it as a storm or tornado… you see it coming and gotta get the distance or hunker down in some shelter you can make (friends, prayer, groups, whatever) or get caught in the storm and once the spinning begins it is a lot harder to get out of it. Then you can get caught and it spins faster and faster to you feel out of control. Not fun.
If you can figure out why then maybe you can talk solutions. I think for me though the biggest thing was a sort of validation of my thoughts or feelings. Don’t tell me I am wrong or crazy or need to snap out of it because it really doesn’t help. Really….. I would be thinking, yeah what the hell do you know if you haven’t walked in my damn shoes. So trying to get with or understand the feelings is important. I f you snap out without understanding it at all then how do you have any idea on how to stop it next time?
There are so many books out there as well that can give him or you ideas, tools to work with and honestly a lot of them may seem odd or silly but they do work. It is finding what does work for him.
If this is a thing that happens often or even occasionally then seeing a counselor can help but only if he wants to and really is honest with the counselor. Faking it or holding back will solve nothing. You really have to open your closets so to speak. A physician can prescribe meds that work. People may think there is a stigma about drugs but the bottom line is what do you want out of life and who has to know? Nobody. They do work when you find the right one and the right dosage.
Being active such as exercise will help a lot as well. The endorphins work, that is why your body makes them in the first place. So it helps in that way, plus you get your frustrations out. And for me it helps me be tired at the end of the day so my brain does not keep me replaying anything so I can’t sleep.
Dig through my blogs and you will see quite frankly how I work some things out openly. It is real and it is true. I did not hold back. My anxiety counselor shares them with her other patients and other counselors. Some of the ideas are novel according to her and explain things in ways she never would have thought because she has not been in those shoes. Anxiety and depression are intertwined.
Your friend is truly lucky to have someone such as you to care because most of us simply do not. People do not try to understand and often give the simplest solution. Don’t you think we have already thought and tried many more solutions than you can come up with? It often comes across as you are not hearing me or taking me serious.
Lloyd=You can also ask whatever pops into your mind and I can answer it now or tomorrow via email.
Whatever works for you for the most part.
UNKNOWN –Meds and books… do they help? Is it possible to be happy being a “victim”? How long is too long with a therapist and still getting the same feelings?
Lloyd=Grammar..what is that at 1am. Lol
You could read and read but the key is that it is not your fight to fight or your answer to find. To be supportive is one thing and to try to solve for him could allow him to be the victim as well. Some people like and some just know no other way. You found the light so to speak and I have as well. We are at different points no doubt but that is true of any “normal” person.
Counseling does help but again it is about being 100% honest with the counselor or doctor. If the meds are not helping, let’s find something that does or increase the dose. If I am seeing you for 3 to 4 yrs and still get stuck then sure it is time to go elsewhere and get a fresh approach. You can go to counseling and go through the motions easily. To get anywhere it is work and it is hard work as I am sure you are aware. It takes 21 days in a row of doing something to make it a habit, how long have you lived your life depressed or unhappy. You become conditioned to it and to break it is work. Happiness and positive thoughts need to become the new habit, the replacement. Same thing with finding those shelters for the storm or fire breaks to give you more time to get away. It is too easy to slip and slide into what you know even if it doesn’t feel good because you do not know how to feel something else. Happiness can feel foreign and uncomfortable
UNKNOWN- I am involved with this person, does that change the advice?
Lloyd=No and yes, is this way for him to get you closer? What do victims need? A rescuer to save them. Each time you rescue it validates the victim part and also draws you closer. If you save me then maybe you will always save me and love me. If you do not try to save me then maybe you do not love me and validate a feeling that is not being said or shared. Really tough when the significant other is the one trying to help as it is like trying to stick your finger through a spider web without touching it. It can be done but not often.
And you have to ask yourself and ask honestly are you to close to the situation to see the truth of it all?
Did this start after a fight? Did this start after a lull in the relationship? A heart to heart? Were things calm in his life? Does he need chaos? Or extreme excitement? I wrote about things like that. When it is calm, I am scared because there is always a storm after the calm in my World. I am getting better at it though.
UNKNOWN – He does not want to be like this and is sorry for being like this…..
Lloyd=Well, if he truly did not like it and wanted to change it he would reach out and try to change it. Again though if he only knows pain then it is likely he sabotages relationships for a reason. Better him to rip it then for you to rip it. He has control of it that way. I used to make bad things happen because I “knew” how to be in that state. How to be in control then and while I was sad, it was okay because it was comfortable. No anyone person could pull me out and no t a person solved it for me now. I just became tired of it. Back in 88 I refer to it as the time I broke the “mirror” and then tried to pick up the pieces. I started back then but have slipped and only really have moved forward because I am refocused because of the diabetes and just wanting to be happy. Wanting to know what it is like to laugh or to smile without the fear. Wanting to know what it is like to just be Lloyd. Not fearing that if you see the “real” me that you won’t like me. There is a certain safety in depression and pulling away.
Ask yourself or ask him what has he done in the three to four years of counseling? What steps has he taken? What parts of the onion has he peeled? Like an onion tears are expected. Does the medicine help? So many questions that could tell rather or not he has tried or even wants to move forward
UNKNOWN-Can a person be in a relationship, and still work out their shit? Can I have expectations of him? If he were into me wouldn't he be making a bigger effort to ensure I don't run away? Wouldn't he want to get better, and soon? Wouldn't he at least call or take my call?
Lloyd=Ah get it out girl. Being bitter should tell you a few things shouldn’t it? You do care first of all and you do want to help him. You don’t really understand him right now. And there is also some fear of is it you and not him? Is he not into you because of you? Sound about right?
You can’t read his mind and probably wouldn’t really want to if you could.
Well for me going out often was an issue because I was afraid people would not like me or I had to be fake. I can’t answer for him. I am much better about that now though. Anxiety wins less now than before. Expectations, well, that goes right back into what is he used too? If for him expectations are something he has never been able to meet in his eyes for some reason then he would want to pull away from any expectations. It is the, I can’t make you happy and can’t fulfill what you need so I won’t try because then I do not fail. I will take your wrath and not the failure in front of others.
He has to want to get better for himself. It won’t work any other way. Not for you, not for his parents, only for himself. Yes, you can be in a relationship and work out your own individual shit. Space and freedom, trust and understanding, support and love; all allow for that but missing pieces mean less stability in that equation.
UKNOWN- He has GOT to break the mirror and start putting the pieces back together, keeping only the ones he needs.
Lloyd=Understand though that breaking the mirror is a task that is so scary as you have to be ready to give up the self that you know and see every single day. It is so scary to do. It is lonely as you figure it out and frustrating as you try this and that. Make some progress and then stop for a bit. The biggest thing for me was when I realized that it was okay to take two forward and one back, if the one back either allowed me to move forward again or allowed me to take a better path. If it is rushed then the mirror will fall apart.
Lloyd=Sleep is calling me. I am sorry. I hope I helped a little. Am here for you if you need me. Just need little sleep. Ask anything you want and if you need to talk in person we can figure that out as well.
Try to get some rest. Tomorrow will come either way but you will be better able to face it after some rest.
UNKNOWN-If you love a woman, wouldn't you do stuff for them (tell them you love them for example) while you're depressed? Even if it felt fake at the time?
Lloyd=Yes, sure I would do some of it but that is me and I have always wanted to please others, especially women. Maybe for him it comes into the area of expectations or sabotage of the good in his life. Or maybe he’s just not that into you.
Yes, the sooner it breaks the better it is for him. It will be a journey and as he explores the pieces it would likely be tough to be giving you near a 100% to be honest. That though is where some of the rest of what I said comes in if it was meant to be.
UNKNOWN-Isn't the love/support/trust/understanding/freedom a two way street? What about open communication; simple, right? Not calling, or taking my call isn't open.
Lloyd-Well, a phone call is not that hard or invasive either unless you have made it so. And what I mean by that is why would I call you if I feel like I am going to be interrogated about everything. Sometimes it just needs to be left alone for another time. If he feels that way then maybe he won’t call but there ways around it. Email, or message when you are not home to let you know that you are being thought of even though I am struggling. Certainly little things that can let you know what you need to know. And with a counseling session and a group session it really could be he doesn’t want to talk. However, how long does that last if these sessions are truly helping? I would gather not long as you would want to express what you have learned or any new feelings. That would certainly be part of the discussions from a therapist and likely a group. They would not tell you to keep it all in and block people out. Especially those you do care about.
Hey girl I hope you did get some rest. Remember today is a new day. Do not let yourself get dragged backwards by someone else woven web. Do not get too caught up in it and it is easy to do, real easy. If you do rock as you say, then keep rocking. He will either wake up and want to rock or will be content to blame himself for watching you rock on down the road. I hope I have been somewhat helpful and will help in what ways I can.
Expectations and sabotage, sometimes for me I always felt as though good things were either not deserved by me, had to much expectation linked to them, or it was easier for me to destroy it on my terms rather than just wait for the inevitable.
This was originally a conversation between myself and another person. The other person did not want there part of the conversation to be shared. I no longer talk to this person. However, I have still altered that part of the conversation. My part is as it was though. REAL!!! 100% REAL AND RAW!!!
UNKNOWN-why are you writing about depression in blog? Were you depressed? Are you experiencing it now?
Lloyd=yes, at times. A lot more in my past then now though. Ties in to how I grew up and never ever heard positives at home, always the negative. Now though I am figuring it all out so to speak and letting it all come out. I feel so much better this way...... almost free.
UNKNOWN -Can I pick your brain about depression?
Lloyd=ask anything you want...... I will answer honestly
UNKNOWN -I have a friend who is depressed and I need answers. I do not understand what is happening. I want to help but it only seems to make it worse or he withdraws more. Should I just back off and give space?
Lloyd= well, depression different for each person and often different for the person from experience to experience. The severity and length varies as well. Space, that is a very tough thing because sometimes when I pushed away I really wanted space and sometimes I really just wanted you to try harder. I know that does not make a lot of sense but it is true. If you pull away easily then you validate my feelings of worthlessness and if you push to hard then I push back because it feels good in some ways to fight, to do something. To rebel, resist.
UNKNOWN -Deep down does he want help? Numbness and sadness seem to both be here and stopping him from feeling “normal”. Could it be him pushing back?
Lloyd= Well, it is certainly possible. I would guess that if he were at the end of the rope that he would shut you out and push you away in some way that you have not seen before. When I got to the end of the rope back in 88 I knew, I just knew it was either find help now or not be here anymore. I found help, maybe because I didn’t want to prove my Dad right but I found help.
Does he know why he is depressed? If he does then unraveling it can happen with help. If he knows what starts or feeds it then you can learn to put blocks in the way to give yourself more time. I kind of think of it as a storm or tornado… you see it coming and gotta get the distance or hunker down in some shelter you can make (friends, prayer, groups, whatever) or get caught in the storm and once the spinning begins it is a lot harder to get out of it. Then you can get caught and it spins faster and faster to you feel out of control. Not fun.
If you can figure out why then maybe you can talk solutions. I think for me though the biggest thing was a sort of validation of my thoughts or feelings. Don’t tell me I am wrong or crazy or need to snap out of it because it really doesn’t help. Really….. I would be thinking, yeah what the hell do you know if you haven’t walked in my damn shoes. So trying to get with or understand the feelings is important. I f you snap out without understanding it at all then how do you have any idea on how to stop it next time?
There are so many books out there as well that can give him or you ideas, tools to work with and honestly a lot of them may seem odd or silly but they do work. It is finding what does work for him.
If this is a thing that happens often or even occasionally then seeing a counselor can help but only if he wants to and really is honest with the counselor. Faking it or holding back will solve nothing. You really have to open your closets so to speak. A physician can prescribe meds that work. People may think there is a stigma about drugs but the bottom line is what do you want out of life and who has to know? Nobody. They do work when you find the right one and the right dosage.
Being active such as exercise will help a lot as well. The endorphins work, that is why your body makes them in the first place. So it helps in that way, plus you get your frustrations out. And for me it helps me be tired at the end of the day so my brain does not keep me replaying anything so I can’t sleep.
Dig through my blogs and you will see quite frankly how I work some things out openly. It is real and it is true. I did not hold back. My anxiety counselor shares them with her other patients and other counselors. Some of the ideas are novel according to her and explain things in ways she never would have thought because she has not been in those shoes. Anxiety and depression are intertwined.
Your friend is truly lucky to have someone such as you to care because most of us simply do not. People do not try to understand and often give the simplest solution. Don’t you think we have already thought and tried many more solutions than you can come up with? It often comes across as you are not hearing me or taking me serious.
Lloyd=You can also ask whatever pops into your mind and I can answer it now or tomorrow via email.
Whatever works for you for the most part.
UNKNOWN –Meds and books… do they help? Is it possible to be happy being a “victim”? How long is too long with a therapist and still getting the same feelings?
Lloyd=Grammar..what is that at 1am. Lol
You could read and read but the key is that it is not your fight to fight or your answer to find. To be supportive is one thing and to try to solve for him could allow him to be the victim as well. Some people like and some just know no other way. You found the light so to speak and I have as well. We are at different points no doubt but that is true of any “normal” person.
Counseling does help but again it is about being 100% honest with the counselor or doctor. If the meds are not helping, let’s find something that does or increase the dose. If I am seeing you for 3 to 4 yrs and still get stuck then sure it is time to go elsewhere and get a fresh approach. You can go to counseling and go through the motions easily. To get anywhere it is work and it is hard work as I am sure you are aware. It takes 21 days in a row of doing something to make it a habit, how long have you lived your life depressed or unhappy. You become conditioned to it and to break it is work. Happiness and positive thoughts need to become the new habit, the replacement. Same thing with finding those shelters for the storm or fire breaks to give you more time to get away. It is too easy to slip and slide into what you know even if it doesn’t feel good because you do not know how to feel something else. Happiness can feel foreign and uncomfortable
UNKNOWN- I am involved with this person, does that change the advice?
Lloyd=No and yes, is this way for him to get you closer? What do victims need? A rescuer to save them. Each time you rescue it validates the victim part and also draws you closer. If you save me then maybe you will always save me and love me. If you do not try to save me then maybe you do not love me and validate a feeling that is not being said or shared. Really tough when the significant other is the one trying to help as it is like trying to stick your finger through a spider web without touching it. It can be done but not often.
And you have to ask yourself and ask honestly are you to close to the situation to see the truth of it all?
Did this start after a fight? Did this start after a lull in the relationship? A heart to heart? Were things calm in his life? Does he need chaos? Or extreme excitement? I wrote about things like that. When it is calm, I am scared because there is always a storm after the calm in my World. I am getting better at it though.
UNKNOWN – He does not want to be like this and is sorry for being like this…..
Lloyd=Well, if he truly did not like it and wanted to change it he would reach out and try to change it. Again though if he only knows pain then it is likely he sabotages relationships for a reason. Better him to rip it then for you to rip it. He has control of it that way. I used to make bad things happen because I “knew” how to be in that state. How to be in control then and while I was sad, it was okay because it was comfortable. No anyone person could pull me out and no t a person solved it for me now. I just became tired of it. Back in 88 I refer to it as the time I broke the “mirror” and then tried to pick up the pieces. I started back then but have slipped and only really have moved forward because I am refocused because of the diabetes and just wanting to be happy. Wanting to know what it is like to laugh or to smile without the fear. Wanting to know what it is like to just be Lloyd. Not fearing that if you see the “real” me that you won’t like me. There is a certain safety in depression and pulling away.
Ask yourself or ask him what has he done in the three to four years of counseling? What steps has he taken? What parts of the onion has he peeled? Like an onion tears are expected. Does the medicine help? So many questions that could tell rather or not he has tried or even wants to move forward
UNKNOWN-Can a person be in a relationship, and still work out their shit? Can I have expectations of him? If he were into me wouldn't he be making a bigger effort to ensure I don't run away? Wouldn't he want to get better, and soon? Wouldn't he at least call or take my call?
Lloyd=Ah get it out girl. Being bitter should tell you a few things shouldn’t it? You do care first of all and you do want to help him. You don’t really understand him right now. And there is also some fear of is it you and not him? Is he not into you because of you? Sound about right?
You can’t read his mind and probably wouldn’t really want to if you could.
Well for me going out often was an issue because I was afraid people would not like me or I had to be fake. I can’t answer for him. I am much better about that now though. Anxiety wins less now than before. Expectations, well, that goes right back into what is he used too? If for him expectations are something he has never been able to meet in his eyes for some reason then he would want to pull away from any expectations. It is the, I can’t make you happy and can’t fulfill what you need so I won’t try because then I do not fail. I will take your wrath and not the failure in front of others.
He has to want to get better for himself. It won’t work any other way. Not for you, not for his parents, only for himself. Yes, you can be in a relationship and work out your own individual shit. Space and freedom, trust and understanding, support and love; all allow for that but missing pieces mean less stability in that equation.
UKNOWN- He has GOT to break the mirror and start putting the pieces back together, keeping only the ones he needs.
Lloyd=Understand though that breaking the mirror is a task that is so scary as you have to be ready to give up the self that you know and see every single day. It is so scary to do. It is lonely as you figure it out and frustrating as you try this and that. Make some progress and then stop for a bit. The biggest thing for me was when I realized that it was okay to take two forward and one back, if the one back either allowed me to move forward again or allowed me to take a better path. If it is rushed then the mirror will fall apart.
Lloyd=Sleep is calling me. I am sorry. I hope I helped a little. Am here for you if you need me. Just need little sleep. Ask anything you want and if you need to talk in person we can figure that out as well.
Try to get some rest. Tomorrow will come either way but you will be better able to face it after some rest.
UNKNOWN-If you love a woman, wouldn't you do stuff for them (tell them you love them for example) while you're depressed? Even if it felt fake at the time?
Lloyd=Yes, sure I would do some of it but that is me and I have always wanted to please others, especially women. Maybe for him it comes into the area of expectations or sabotage of the good in his life. Or maybe he’s just not that into you.
Yes, the sooner it breaks the better it is for him. It will be a journey and as he explores the pieces it would likely be tough to be giving you near a 100% to be honest. That though is where some of the rest of what I said comes in if it was meant to be.
UNKNOWN-Isn't the love/support/trust/understanding/freedom a two way street? What about open communication; simple, right? Not calling, or taking my call isn't open.
Lloyd-Well, a phone call is not that hard or invasive either unless you have made it so. And what I mean by that is why would I call you if I feel like I am going to be interrogated about everything. Sometimes it just needs to be left alone for another time. If he feels that way then maybe he won’t call but there ways around it. Email, or message when you are not home to let you know that you are being thought of even though I am struggling. Certainly little things that can let you know what you need to know. And with a counseling session and a group session it really could be he doesn’t want to talk. However, how long does that last if these sessions are truly helping? I would gather not long as you would want to express what you have learned or any new feelings. That would certainly be part of the discussions from a therapist and likely a group. They would not tell you to keep it all in and block people out. Especially those you do care about.
Hey girl I hope you did get some rest. Remember today is a new day. Do not let yourself get dragged backwards by someone else woven web. Do not get too caught up in it and it is easy to do, real easy. If you do rock as you say, then keep rocking. He will either wake up and want to rock or will be content to blame himself for watching you rock on down the road. I hope I have been somewhat helpful and will help in what ways I can.
Expectations and sabotage, sometimes for me I always felt as though good things were either not deserved by me, had to much expectation linked to them, or it was easier for me to destroy it on my terms rather than just wait for the inevitable.
Defining me?
Defining me?
What is it that defines a person? Is it what I hope that you see when you look at me? Is it what I project for you to see? Is it what you project to me about me? What defines me? Is it something simple or is it complex. I am defined by one word? A couple words? Many?
I am not sure what the answer is to this question. I know I often offer up the information freely that I am diabetic and that I suffer from anxiety disorders. I am free with those as those are certainly part of me. Do they define me? Are they me? I do not know.
I know that if I am asked what I do for work that I am ashamed to say that I don’t work. Why am I ashamed? It isn’t my fault. Is that why I put forward the anxiety issue right out of the gate? It sets the stage for questions to come and says I am in some way broken? I really do not know why I feel that way but I simply do feel it. I am ashamed, embarrassed that I am not working. F you ask me what I did for work I will tell you about the rink but enjoy talking about my jobs working with children more than the rink. The job working with children made me happy. I suffered from anxiety then too.
See why does that enter my mind? Does it even matter that I suffered before? Does it matter for how long? Am I just trying to justify that I am not where I expected to be at this point in my life? I expected so much more from myself and yet this is where I am and who I am. I just do not know why I seem to categorize or define myself.
Is it something everyone searches for? A definition of who they are and what makes them who they are to all of us? Or is that just me and my mind thinking outside of the box? I am not sure.
My reality is mine and mine alone. Do you have a say in defining my reality? I don’t think you do but who knows the truth. I can’t see things from your eyes and you can’t see them from mine. Is life a search to be understood when there is no way to truly understand?
How am I defined? How do you define me? How do I define myself? I am a diabetic and suffer from anxiety disorder. I am Lloyd W. Alexander.
What is it that defines a person? Is it what I hope that you see when you look at me? Is it what I project for you to see? Is it what you project to me about me? What defines me? Is it something simple or is it complex. I am defined by one word? A couple words? Many?
I am not sure what the answer is to this question. I know I often offer up the information freely that I am diabetic and that I suffer from anxiety disorders. I am free with those as those are certainly part of me. Do they define me? Are they me? I do not know.
I know that if I am asked what I do for work that I am ashamed to say that I don’t work. Why am I ashamed? It isn’t my fault. Is that why I put forward the anxiety issue right out of the gate? It sets the stage for questions to come and says I am in some way broken? I really do not know why I feel that way but I simply do feel it. I am ashamed, embarrassed that I am not working. F you ask me what I did for work I will tell you about the rink but enjoy talking about my jobs working with children more than the rink. The job working with children made me happy. I suffered from anxiety then too.
See why does that enter my mind? Does it even matter that I suffered before? Does it matter for how long? Am I just trying to justify that I am not where I expected to be at this point in my life? I expected so much more from myself and yet this is where I am and who I am. I just do not know why I seem to categorize or define myself.
Is it something everyone searches for? A definition of who they are and what makes them who they are to all of us? Or is that just me and my mind thinking outside of the box? I am not sure.
My reality is mine and mine alone. Do you have a say in defining my reality? I don’t think you do but who knows the truth. I can’t see things from your eyes and you can’t see them from mine. Is life a search to be understood when there is no way to truly understand?
How am I defined? How do you define me? How do I define myself? I am a diabetic and suffer from anxiety disorder. I am Lloyd W. Alexander.
Dancing together
Dancing together
So long ago you asked me to dance.
I said yes too you way back then.
That first night was so innocent.
Little did we know it would never end.
Dancing year after year.
That is what we have done.
Sometimes stepping on the others feet.
Maybe even dancing to different beats.
But still dancing together.
After all these years.
Sometimes I am moving too fast.
Sometimes I am too slow.
You tried early on to keep pace.
Then let me go my own speed.
Dancing by myself.
Always dancing right back you.
Finding the right beat was sometimes hard.
My ear was just a little off key.
Over the years though.
I began to understand.
Dancing with you was where I wanted to be.
Never another place for me.
So thank you for keeping the beat.
I hope we can keep dancing together.
Dancing for erternity.
Watching sunsets.
Watching sunrises too.
Just dancing together.
Watching the World go.
Just dancing together.
Dancing together after so many years.
I couldn’t ask for a better dance partner.
Wanna dance with me forever?
So long ago you asked me to dance.
I said yes too you way back then.
That first night was so innocent.
Little did we know it would never end.
Dancing year after year.
That is what we have done.
Sometimes stepping on the others feet.
Maybe even dancing to different beats.
But still dancing together.
After all these years.
Sometimes I am moving too fast.
Sometimes I am too slow.
You tried early on to keep pace.
Then let me go my own speed.
Dancing by myself.
Always dancing right back you.
Finding the right beat was sometimes hard.
My ear was just a little off key.
Over the years though.
I began to understand.
Dancing with you was where I wanted to be.
Never another place for me.
So thank you for keeping the beat.
I hope we can keep dancing together.
Dancing for erternity.
Watching sunsets.
Watching sunrises too.
Just dancing together.
Watching the World go.
Just dancing together.
Dancing together after so many years.
I couldn’t ask for a better dance partner.
Wanna dance with me forever?
Dad
Dad
Dad things aren’t always as they seem.
Often the outside is only there to hide the inside.
Neither of us say it often enough to each other.
I am your son and you are my father.
I love you to my very core and that’s for sure.
Hard words have been said before.
From me to you and you to me.
Water under the bridge t is today.
Yes, water gone by and more going by every day.
You had expectations of me.
I had expectations of you.
Both only wanting the best from one another.
Words were few and far between.
Seeing eye to eye was hardly ever seen.
Though I never said it through my days.
Thank you for being my dad.
I couldn’t imagine it any other way.
Someday one of us will be gone.
Before then though I just want you to know
That I am proud to be your son.
Life is what it is and moves on.
It won’t wait for me to say these words too you.
Simply words but rarely said, “I love you Dad”
So those words now said I feel a burden lifting.
An easing of my mind that time can’t take away.
You are my Dad and I love you.
I am me and you are you.
I can’t change you.
You know, you can’t change me.
So let us just be what we are in this life.
A father and a son.
I love you Dad.
Dad things aren’t always as they seem.
Often the outside is only there to hide the inside.
Neither of us say it often enough to each other.
I am your son and you are my father.
I love you to my very core and that’s for sure.
Hard words have been said before.
From me to you and you to me.
Water under the bridge t is today.
Yes, water gone by and more going by every day.
You had expectations of me.
I had expectations of you.
Both only wanting the best from one another.
Words were few and far between.
Seeing eye to eye was hardly ever seen.
Though I never said it through my days.
Thank you for being my dad.
I couldn’t imagine it any other way.
Someday one of us will be gone.
Before then though I just want you to know
That I am proud to be your son.
Life is what it is and moves on.
It won’t wait for me to say these words too you.
Simply words but rarely said, “I love you Dad”
So those words now said I feel a burden lifting.
An easing of my mind that time can’t take away.
You are my Dad and I love you.
I am me and you are you.
I can’t change you.
You know, you can’t change me.
So let us just be what we are in this life.
A father and a son.
I love you Dad.
cross roads
cross roads
I have come to this place in life.
That leaves me with choices now.
What should I do?
So many roads before me.
No signs to help me.
Which one is right for me?
Do any lead me back here again?
Circling and wasting my days.
Will they me further away from happiness?
Will the lead me closer to death?
will they lead me closer to my destiny?
Can anyone out there help me?
Or is it just me, just me here.
Here at my cross roads.
Trying to decide which way too go.
No signs here to tell me so.
I am at a cross roads.
No directions given to me.
Choices are mine and that I see.
I just stand in fear here.
Afraid to go there. Not knowing where there is.
Too many fears within me.
Standing here at the cross roads.
Just hoping, hoping, hoping,
for a sign to lead me.
None is coming, no none is coming.
I guess I will have to go.
And make it on my own.
So here I go, here I go.
All on my own.
Down at the cross roads.
I have come to this place in life.
That leaves me with choices now.
What should I do?
So many roads before me.
No signs to help me.
Which one is right for me?
Do any lead me back here again?
Circling and wasting my days.
Will they me further away from happiness?
Will the lead me closer to death?
will they lead me closer to my destiny?
Can anyone out there help me?
Or is it just me, just me here.
Here at my cross roads.
Trying to decide which way too go.
No signs here to tell me so.
I am at a cross roads.
No directions given to me.
Choices are mine and that I see.
I just stand in fear here.
Afraid to go there. Not knowing where there is.
Too many fears within me.
Standing here at the cross roads.
Just hoping, hoping, hoping,
for a sign to lead me.
None is coming, no none is coming.
I guess I will have to go.
And make it on my own.
So here I go, here I go.
All on my own.
Down at the cross roads.
Crashin on down
Crashin on down
Sometimes it slips right on past you.
Slips right on through your fingers.
Love is so delicate baby.
So easy to break.
So hard to cultivate.
Slips on thru and shatters too.
Love crashing on down.
Breakin on down.
Fading with time.
Fading with every beat of a heart.
A heart broken in two.
Pain just passing on through too.
Love crashed to the ground.
In an instant a heart broken in two.
Shattered forever.
Too many pieces to recover.
Love so delicate.
So fragile it was between us two.
Better than a dream.
Shattered like a nightmare.
Gone like flame now blown out.
Love came crashing on down.
Thanks to you.
You broke my damn heart in two.
You knew it too.
It didn’t matter from your view.
Something had to give for you.
I can pretend to understand.
I can pretend to forgive.
But what the hell is wrong with you.
Love came crashing down because of you.
Now fading with time.
Fading all the time.
Sometimes it slips right on past you.
Slips right on through your fingers.
Love is so delicate baby.
So easy to break.
So hard to cultivate.
Slips on thru and shatters too.
Love crashing on down.
Breakin on down.
Fading with time.
Fading with every beat of a heart.
A heart broken in two.
Pain just passing on through too.
Love crashed to the ground.
In an instant a heart broken in two.
Shattered forever.
Too many pieces to recover.
Love so delicate.
So fragile it was between us two.
Better than a dream.
Shattered like a nightmare.
Gone like flame now blown out.
Love came crashing on down.
Thanks to you.
You broke my damn heart in two.
You knew it too.
It didn’t matter from your view.
Something had to give for you.
I can pretend to understand.
I can pretend to forgive.
But what the hell is wrong with you.
Love came crashing down because of you.
Now fading with time.
Fading all the time.
Courage
Courage
Walking slowly in the snow.
Watching it gently fall before me.
Adding new layers to the already white ground.
Looking ahead no clear trail.
Looking behind only my own trail.
I could see where I had come from.
It would not show me where to go.
I had to take each step on my own.
All around were woods.
All around were noises.
Noises that made me wonder.
What is it that is out there?
Is something watching me?
Courage, courage to go on?
Courage to turn around?
What is courage?
Who is for?
Nobody here but me.
So it can’t be for you.
It can only be for me.
What do I have to prove?
Nothing but I still step ahead.
One foot in front of the other.
Is it courage to go forward when I feel fear?
Is it courage not to turn and run?
I pause and listen.
At first I just hear my racing heart.
My courage flowing through my veins I think.
Then my heart beat fades and is replaced by other sounds.
Sounds outside of me.
The wind blowing gently.
A chipmunk letting me know I am in his World.
The rustle of a leave leftover from a fall gone past.
A bird singing its peaceful songs.
More birds.
A loud crunch in the distance.
My courage makes me knees shake.
Fight or flight they say in school.
Hmm, my body froze in place.
Not knowing rather to turn and go.
Go back or go forward.
Just where to go?
Courage for whom again?
Oh yes, just me.
Step by step I slowly go forward.
Courage I tell myself.
Courage will get me there.
Where exactly is it I NEED to go?
Home sounds good to you know.
Step on brave man.
Step on courageous man.
So onward I go.
Along the trail.
Just wondering what courage is to me.
What is courage to you?
To go forward when going backwards is easier?
Is that courage?
Today for me it is courage.
Forward I go.
One courageous step after another.
Till I have overcome my fears.
Beaten them down and moved on.
To the end of this trail that I have chosen.
Do you have the courage?
Go down your trail.
Find your courage.
It is there for you.
Just look within.
Walking slowly in the snow.
Watching it gently fall before me.
Adding new layers to the already white ground.
Looking ahead no clear trail.
Looking behind only my own trail.
I could see where I had come from.
It would not show me where to go.
I had to take each step on my own.
All around were woods.
All around were noises.
Noises that made me wonder.
What is it that is out there?
Is something watching me?
Courage, courage to go on?
Courage to turn around?
What is courage?
Who is for?
Nobody here but me.
So it can’t be for you.
It can only be for me.
What do I have to prove?
Nothing but I still step ahead.
One foot in front of the other.
Is it courage to go forward when I feel fear?
Is it courage not to turn and run?
I pause and listen.
At first I just hear my racing heart.
My courage flowing through my veins I think.
Then my heart beat fades and is replaced by other sounds.
Sounds outside of me.
The wind blowing gently.
A chipmunk letting me know I am in his World.
The rustle of a leave leftover from a fall gone past.
A bird singing its peaceful songs.
More birds.
A loud crunch in the distance.
My courage makes me knees shake.
Fight or flight they say in school.
Hmm, my body froze in place.
Not knowing rather to turn and go.
Go back or go forward.
Just where to go?
Courage for whom again?
Oh yes, just me.
Step by step I slowly go forward.
Courage I tell myself.
Courage will get me there.
Where exactly is it I NEED to go?
Home sounds good to you know.
Step on brave man.
Step on courageous man.
So onward I go.
Along the trail.
Just wondering what courage is to me.
What is courage to you?
To go forward when going backwards is easier?
Is that courage?
Today for me it is courage.
Forward I go.
One courageous step after another.
Till I have overcome my fears.
Beaten them down and moved on.
To the end of this trail that I have chosen.
Do you have the courage?
Go down your trail.
Find your courage.
It is there for you.
Just look within.
Coming for you.
Coming for you.
I got my sights set on you.
I am coming for you.
No getting away from me.
My heart is beating for you.
Here I come now after you.
Ready? Doesn’t matter.
I’m coming anyway.
Right after you.
Going to win your heart.
Hold you in my arms.
Scoop you up and run away.
Heading for the sunset.
Just you and I.
Gonna be amazing.
You and me.
Loving.
I got my sights set on you.
I am coming for you.
No getting away from me.
My heart is beating for you.
Here I come now after you.
Ready? Doesn’t matter.
I’m coming anyway.
Right after you.
Going to win your heart.
Hold you in my arms.
Scoop you up and run away.
Heading for the sunset.
Just you and I.
Gonna be amazing.
You and me.
Loving.
Come to my darkside
Come to my darkside
Come on, join me for some fun.
Join me where there is no sun.
The darkside, we all have one.
Where is yours?
I know you have it.
You know you have it too!!!
Scares the hell out of you.
Join me and come for the ride.
Right on through the very dark side.
Can’t out run it forever.
It is there in the mirror.
Just staring right back at you.
Just waiting for you to see it.
It waits and watches.
Your darkside knows when to come play.
It won’t warn you either.
Just come and strike.
Right to your very core.
Your dark side will give you quite a fright.
So come with me, come on now.
Let’s just go play in that darkside.
See where we go and what we do.
Turn this World right upside down.
That is what we will do!!
Come on, take a ride on the darkside.
Come to my darkside before it comes to you!!!
Come on, join me for some fun.
Join me where there is no sun.
The darkside, we all have one.
Where is yours?
I know you have it.
You know you have it too!!!
Scares the hell out of you.
Join me and come for the ride.
Right on through the very dark side.
Can’t out run it forever.
It is there in the mirror.
Just staring right back at you.
Just waiting for you to see it.
It waits and watches.
Your darkside knows when to come play.
It won’t warn you either.
Just come and strike.
Right to your very core.
Your dark side will give you quite a fright.
So come with me, come on now.
Let’s just go play in that darkside.
See where we go and what we do.
Turn this World right upside down.
That is what we will do!!
Come on, take a ride on the darkside.
Come to my darkside before it comes to you!!!
The Coffee Shop
The Coffee Shop
They had only been communicating through email and instant message yet there
was something there, some sort of connection or lust. Some heat would rise
in him at the site of an email from her. She was a red head and he craved to
experience one in his lifetime. She seemed to be fiery and playful which
only made it more of a craving for him. He imagined what it would be like to
hold her in his arms and smell her hair as he nuzzled her neck. Could he
handle it? Could she? He didn't know but the thought made his groin stir
slightly. He felt awake and so desired to awaken her. To begin to get her
hot and moist. Her passion to begin to rise for him.
They decided to meet and it was awkward at first but yet there was
something. There was a first hug and he could smell her, what was it? It
made him want to breathe deeper and just inhale her smell. He could feel her
warmth through her clothes as he pulled her nearer. His hand so wanted to
slide along her body and to feel her. He wanted to slide his hand to her
lower back but didn't dare to do so at this point. They sat and chatted over
an espresso. It was oh so comfortable and like they had done it a million
times before. Her leg slid of over and brushed his under the table.
He glanced at her hoping it was not an accident. She winked and he knew it was not at all an accident. She slid her foot up the inside of his leg. He had not noticed that she had slipped her shoe off. She massaged his inner thing with her foot and he became very aroused. She could tell by how red his face was getting. She wanted to tease him more but he reached down and grabbed her foot. He gently massaged it and slid his hand up her freshly shaven leg. Her skin was soft under his fingers. It felt like silk and he just want to keep sliding. She wasnt stopping him and yet he felt nerves running inside of him, waiting to be stopped. She had a long skirt on and no nylons, nothing between his fingers and her skin. He could tell she was enjoying every second of it by the twinkle that just kept getting bigger. He could reach no further than her knee but he ached to reach much further than that. She slid down a little to allow him to get yet closer. And when he reached the limit this time she gave him a playful smile. He wondered if she was wet for him and she wondered just how hard he was for her. How much did he want her? Was he throbbing? She wanted to make him throb. She took hold of his hand..
And pulled him towards the middle of the semi-circular booth. She slid to over to meet him. Her hand never leaving his as she held it tight to not break the connection she felt. When they neared and finally settled she placed his hand under her long skirt on her knee and slid her own hand deftly over his tight jeans towards his crotch where she fully expected to feel him fully bulging inside of his jeans. He was anxious yet excited as he thought of where he was but had that anxiety over ridden with the feel of her warm soft leg. He slowly slid upward and onward, his heart pounded and his handed began to shake, not in fear but in pure excitement. Her hand inched upward and they timed it to reach at the same time. She was pleasantly surprised with the size of the bulge she found and caressed it, felt it pulse and so wanted to release it from its prison and take hold of it. He reached her and did not find what he expected at all to his liking. He expected to find some panties between him and her wetness. He felt her and she squirmed in the seat. He slid his finger inside her, she was tight and he could only imagine how tight it would feel to his pulsing cock. He slowly slid it in and out as he starred into her eyes. She starred back and he could tell she was enjoying this by looking in her eyes and feeling the growing moisture. She put both of her hands on the bench and squeezed as he now began to rub her clit. She tried to close her legs but he leaned over and kissed her softly on the neck and whispered in her ear to relax and just enjoy it. It was different; it was erotic for both of them in this setting. She came closer and closer to her orgasm and he kept working to bring her there, she came and her body tensed with pleasure as she lost control with one final touch of his hand. She moaned suddenly and drew attention to their table. He picked up the coffee and pointed to it. He knew they would not believe him but he had to try. Her face was as red as her hair now and she ran from the coffee shop. He sat there because he was not quite ready to move yet. The other patrons starred at him and he just laughed out loud.
They had only been communicating through email and instant message yet there
was something there, some sort of connection or lust. Some heat would rise
in him at the site of an email from her. She was a red head and he craved to
experience one in his lifetime. She seemed to be fiery and playful which
only made it more of a craving for him. He imagined what it would be like to
hold her in his arms and smell her hair as he nuzzled her neck. Could he
handle it? Could she? He didn't know but the thought made his groin stir
slightly. He felt awake and so desired to awaken her. To begin to get her
hot and moist. Her passion to begin to rise for him.
They decided to meet and it was awkward at first but yet there was
something. There was a first hug and he could smell her, what was it? It
made him want to breathe deeper and just inhale her smell. He could feel her
warmth through her clothes as he pulled her nearer. His hand so wanted to
slide along her body and to feel her. He wanted to slide his hand to her
lower back but didn't dare to do so at this point. They sat and chatted over
an espresso. It was oh so comfortable and like they had done it a million
times before. Her leg slid of over and brushed his under the table.
He glanced at her hoping it was not an accident. She winked and he knew it was not at all an accident. She slid her foot up the inside of his leg. He had not noticed that she had slipped her shoe off. She massaged his inner thing with her foot and he became very aroused. She could tell by how red his face was getting. She wanted to tease him more but he reached down and grabbed her foot. He gently massaged it and slid his hand up her freshly shaven leg. Her skin was soft under his fingers. It felt like silk and he just want to keep sliding. She wasnt stopping him and yet he felt nerves running inside of him, waiting to be stopped. She had a long skirt on and no nylons, nothing between his fingers and her skin. He could tell she was enjoying every second of it by the twinkle that just kept getting bigger. He could reach no further than her knee but he ached to reach much further than that. She slid down a little to allow him to get yet closer. And when he reached the limit this time she gave him a playful smile. He wondered if she was wet for him and she wondered just how hard he was for her. How much did he want her? Was he throbbing? She wanted to make him throb. She took hold of his hand..
And pulled him towards the middle of the semi-circular booth. She slid to over to meet him. Her hand never leaving his as she held it tight to not break the connection she felt. When they neared and finally settled she placed his hand under her long skirt on her knee and slid her own hand deftly over his tight jeans towards his crotch where she fully expected to feel him fully bulging inside of his jeans. He was anxious yet excited as he thought of where he was but had that anxiety over ridden with the feel of her warm soft leg. He slowly slid upward and onward, his heart pounded and his handed began to shake, not in fear but in pure excitement. Her hand inched upward and they timed it to reach at the same time. She was pleasantly surprised with the size of the bulge she found and caressed it, felt it pulse and so wanted to release it from its prison and take hold of it. He reached her and did not find what he expected at all to his liking. He expected to find some panties between him and her wetness. He felt her and she squirmed in the seat. He slid his finger inside her, she was tight and he could only imagine how tight it would feel to his pulsing cock. He slowly slid it in and out as he starred into her eyes. She starred back and he could tell she was enjoying this by looking in her eyes and feeling the growing moisture. She put both of her hands on the bench and squeezed as he now began to rub her clit. She tried to close her legs but he leaned over and kissed her softly on the neck and whispered in her ear to relax and just enjoy it. It was different; it was erotic for both of them in this setting. She came closer and closer to her orgasm and he kept working to bring her there, she came and her body tensed with pleasure as she lost control with one final touch of his hand. She moaned suddenly and drew attention to their table. He picked up the coffee and pointed to it. He knew they would not believe him but he had to try. Her face was as red as her hair now and she ran from the coffee shop. He sat there because he was not quite ready to move yet. The other patrons starred at him and he just laughed out loud.
Clouds are Gone
Clouds are gone
It always seemed to rain.
Rain on me and my parade.
A cloud hanging over me.
Never seeming to leave.
Above me the darkness
Beside me the cold
Inside me the chill
Of a life gone cold.
I went through the motions
With my emotions set to auto
Click, clack, follow the pack
This way, that way, show me the way
The clouds parted
The sun began to shine
Warmth began to ease the chill
No longer cold but growing warm
You, yes, you are the one
My sunshine on a rainy day.
My beacon of light in the fog
My hope when hope was gone.
Wow, you amaze me
Amaze me everyday
Amaze me every moment
Amaze me in every way
You are one that should not get away
One for the ages
One to savior
One to honor
Amazing, so amazing
Are you on this day now
That first day back when.
And everyday will be simply amazing with you.
The rain is gone.
Cloud have lifted.
It is a bright sunny day.
Come on now and lets go play
Skip together towards the horizon
Skip on towards another beautiful day
Life is fill now
And I am fulfilled
Thank you, thank you.
Amazing.
It always seemed to rain.
Rain on me and my parade.
A cloud hanging over me.
Never seeming to leave.
Above me the darkness
Beside me the cold
Inside me the chill
Of a life gone cold.
I went through the motions
With my emotions set to auto
Click, clack, follow the pack
This way, that way, show me the way
The clouds parted
The sun began to shine
Warmth began to ease the chill
No longer cold but growing warm
You, yes, you are the one
My sunshine on a rainy day.
My beacon of light in the fog
My hope when hope was gone.
Wow, you amaze me
Amaze me everyday
Amaze me every moment
Amaze me in every way
You are one that should not get away
One for the ages
One to savior
One to honor
Amazing, so amazing
Are you on this day now
That first day back when.
And everyday will be simply amazing with you.
The rain is gone.
Cloud have lifted.
It is a bright sunny day.
Come on now and lets go play
Skip together towards the horizon
Skip on towards another beautiful day
Life is fill now
And I am fulfilled
Thank you, thank you.
Amazing.
Chocolate Eyes
Chocolate Eyes
By
Lloyd W. Alexander
Her soft chocolate eyes caught his attention despite the large crowd at the market. She was beautiful and his heart drawn the moment their eyes licked. It was brief but it was enough to rock his World and leave him wanting for more. She disappeared just as quickly in the same crowd she momentarily had stood out from just a mere moment ago. His heart raced now and anxiety began to fill him as something within him had become awakened when their eyes met. He had to see her, he had to have her, he must find her where the thoughts racing through his mind as he pushed through the crowd. He stood out like a sore thumb in this country of Brazil. He was an American on a dream vacation and now chasing a dream of chocolate eyes. She was beautiful from head to toe and yet blended in with the other Brazilian’s seamlessly. He struggled through the crowd and caught a glimpse of her as she settled into a car on the other side of the road. He tried to get across to her but it was just too busy. She did turn towards him and he knew she saw him as their eyes had met once more. It only deepened his desire for her as the car drove off down the busy road.
His heart raced as he watched it disappear from his eyesight. Was that it? Was his dream here and gone that fast? How would he ever be able to find her? So many things raced through his mind but he decided it was time to leave it to fate. If it was meant for them to meet then it was meant for them to meet. He wanted to believe that and yet struggled with his mind trying to figure out how he could find this one woman in a city he did not know at all. So much life and vibrancy surrounded him but it was as if he was in a cocoon sheltered from the beauty of the city. He walked the streets aimlessly as the day passed bye him. The night came and he went to the beach to walk alone. He strolled and strolled along the soft sand listening to the sounds of the crashing waves. It was peaceful but he was lonely. He could only think of her and those chocolate eyes. He looked up and realized he was far from the hustle and bustle of the city life that faded with each step of his stroll along the beach. He decided to turn back towards that very hustle and bustle to try and enjoy his vacation. It seemed like he walked forever before he heard the music of the clubs. He tried to go into the first one he came upon but was turned away by the doorman as it was full. He walked a little more and then decided he would just head towards his hotel and call it a night. He passed a little deli and a lone woman sat at a table with her head down. He was almost passed her when her head rose and their eyes met. It was her and his heart jumped. He froze and she smiled at him as he just stared at her. She said hello to him and he had trouble finding the simple response back to her. She was amazing and those eyes were even more captivating then he had thought. She asked him to join her for a bit so she could ask him questions about the States. She had been once as a young woman. So he went near her and sat across from her to not crowd her space but all he could think of was taking her in his arms and looking deeply into those eyes. They chit chatted for many hours and eventually he got the nerve to ask her to walk with him on the beach.
They walked slowly and she became chilled as they walk grew longer. He stopped her and took her into his arms. He was shaking himself but it was not from a chill of cold sort but of one of the nervous sorts. His hands wrapped around her and he felt her soft skin as his hands wrapped around her bare back. Her sundress was open in the back and he loved the feel of her skin. He slowly caressed her back. Slowly he turned it from caressing to massaging. She squeezed him and pulled him tighter as she too felt a strong connection to him. She loved his blue eyes and had fallen for him earlier during the day too. She had come back and sat at the little touristy deli in hopes of seeing him again. It had happened and now they were alone on the beach. Their hearts racing……. beating near one another.
He put his head on top of hers and smelt her hair. He inhaled deeply as the scent of her just filled him with warmth and eased his nerves. He had never smelt anything so beautiful in all of his life. She pulled back and smiled at him. He leaned towards her, all the while looking into those chocolate eyes of hers, and kissed her gently on the forehead. As he began to pull back she stopped him and kissed him passionately. The kissing seemed magical to both as their tongues danced as if they had done so together a million times before this nights first kiss. His hands slowly made their way towards her bottom and he squeezed it gently. She playfully slapped his butt and then pushed him away from her as she turned to run along the sandy beach. He chased her and was quickly right with her even though she zigged and zagged. He reached for her but she made one last move and stuck out her foot which tripped him. He fell to the sand with her following him an instant later. They were rolling on the sand as their lips locked again. The kiss was deep and long. She could feel him becoming excited and she was too as this was more than she ever dreamed. He slowly slid his hand up her sundress and found out that she too was quite excited. Her wetness only made him more eager to please her as he slid down her body. He took her foot and began to massage it tenderly….. slowly moving up towards her calf and then her thigh…. her inner thigh……then to her thong panties. Slowly rubbing her with his hands as he began kissing his way up her leg until he made his way to her panties. He slowly slid them off as he began to make moves on her clit with his tongue that aroused her in a way that she had never experienced. Before long she was moaning and soon she orgasmed as he had worked his magic upon her. She wanted him now but he would not allow her what she wanted just yet and he slowly slid her dress off and then began to caress her stomach and breasts with his tongue and hands. Gently he worked his way to her neck where he gently nibbled and kissed……. nibbling on her ears…. slowly and softly moving his lips towards hers before passionately kissing her. She was going crazy inside and so was he as this was a dream, a living dream. He pulled back and just stared into her eyes…those chocolate eyes. He was in a daze and she flipped him off of her and onto his back. She undid his shorts and slid them off of him quickly. She slid on top of him and slid him into her. He filled her warm pussy with his fullness. She moaned as she slid down onto his dick. They looked each other in the eyes as she slowly began to move. His hands guided her hips gently as they moved together as one. He had his own orgasm as she moved wonderfully on top of him. She slid off of him but he did not let her slide far as he pulled her near him. Chest to chest they lay with their hearts now beating as one. He stared into her chocolate eyes until his eyes could stay open no longer. The sun began to rise and when he opened his eyes she was gone. All that was left of her was a message in the sand next to their imprint from last night. “ A DREAM, SIMPLY A DREAM”
By
Lloyd W. Alexander
Her soft chocolate eyes caught his attention despite the large crowd at the market. She was beautiful and his heart drawn the moment their eyes licked. It was brief but it was enough to rock his World and leave him wanting for more. She disappeared just as quickly in the same crowd she momentarily had stood out from just a mere moment ago. His heart raced now and anxiety began to fill him as something within him had become awakened when their eyes met. He had to see her, he had to have her, he must find her where the thoughts racing through his mind as he pushed through the crowd. He stood out like a sore thumb in this country of Brazil. He was an American on a dream vacation and now chasing a dream of chocolate eyes. She was beautiful from head to toe and yet blended in with the other Brazilian’s seamlessly. He struggled through the crowd and caught a glimpse of her as she settled into a car on the other side of the road. He tried to get across to her but it was just too busy. She did turn towards him and he knew she saw him as their eyes had met once more. It only deepened his desire for her as the car drove off down the busy road.
His heart raced as he watched it disappear from his eyesight. Was that it? Was his dream here and gone that fast? How would he ever be able to find her? So many things raced through his mind but he decided it was time to leave it to fate. If it was meant for them to meet then it was meant for them to meet. He wanted to believe that and yet struggled with his mind trying to figure out how he could find this one woman in a city he did not know at all. So much life and vibrancy surrounded him but it was as if he was in a cocoon sheltered from the beauty of the city. He walked the streets aimlessly as the day passed bye him. The night came and he went to the beach to walk alone. He strolled and strolled along the soft sand listening to the sounds of the crashing waves. It was peaceful but he was lonely. He could only think of her and those chocolate eyes. He looked up and realized he was far from the hustle and bustle of the city life that faded with each step of his stroll along the beach. He decided to turn back towards that very hustle and bustle to try and enjoy his vacation. It seemed like he walked forever before he heard the music of the clubs. He tried to go into the first one he came upon but was turned away by the doorman as it was full. He walked a little more and then decided he would just head towards his hotel and call it a night. He passed a little deli and a lone woman sat at a table with her head down. He was almost passed her when her head rose and their eyes met. It was her and his heart jumped. He froze and she smiled at him as he just stared at her. She said hello to him and he had trouble finding the simple response back to her. She was amazing and those eyes were even more captivating then he had thought. She asked him to join her for a bit so she could ask him questions about the States. She had been once as a young woman. So he went near her and sat across from her to not crowd her space but all he could think of was taking her in his arms and looking deeply into those eyes. They chit chatted for many hours and eventually he got the nerve to ask her to walk with him on the beach.
They walked slowly and she became chilled as they walk grew longer. He stopped her and took her into his arms. He was shaking himself but it was not from a chill of cold sort but of one of the nervous sorts. His hands wrapped around her and he felt her soft skin as his hands wrapped around her bare back. Her sundress was open in the back and he loved the feel of her skin. He slowly caressed her back. Slowly he turned it from caressing to massaging. She squeezed him and pulled him tighter as she too felt a strong connection to him. She loved his blue eyes and had fallen for him earlier during the day too. She had come back and sat at the little touristy deli in hopes of seeing him again. It had happened and now they were alone on the beach. Their hearts racing……. beating near one another.
He put his head on top of hers and smelt her hair. He inhaled deeply as the scent of her just filled him with warmth and eased his nerves. He had never smelt anything so beautiful in all of his life. She pulled back and smiled at him. He leaned towards her, all the while looking into those chocolate eyes of hers, and kissed her gently on the forehead. As he began to pull back she stopped him and kissed him passionately. The kissing seemed magical to both as their tongues danced as if they had done so together a million times before this nights first kiss. His hands slowly made their way towards her bottom and he squeezed it gently. She playfully slapped his butt and then pushed him away from her as she turned to run along the sandy beach. He chased her and was quickly right with her even though she zigged and zagged. He reached for her but she made one last move and stuck out her foot which tripped him. He fell to the sand with her following him an instant later. They were rolling on the sand as their lips locked again. The kiss was deep and long. She could feel him becoming excited and she was too as this was more than she ever dreamed. He slowly slid his hand up her sundress and found out that she too was quite excited. Her wetness only made him more eager to please her as he slid down her body. He took her foot and began to massage it tenderly….. slowly moving up towards her calf and then her thigh…. her inner thigh……then to her thong panties. Slowly rubbing her with his hands as he began kissing his way up her leg until he made his way to her panties. He slowly slid them off as he began to make moves on her clit with his tongue that aroused her in a way that she had never experienced. Before long she was moaning and soon she orgasmed as he had worked his magic upon her. She wanted him now but he would not allow her what she wanted just yet and he slowly slid her dress off and then began to caress her stomach and breasts with his tongue and hands. Gently he worked his way to her neck where he gently nibbled and kissed……. nibbling on her ears…. slowly and softly moving his lips towards hers before passionately kissing her. She was going crazy inside and so was he as this was a dream, a living dream. He pulled back and just stared into her eyes…those chocolate eyes. He was in a daze and she flipped him off of her and onto his back. She undid his shorts and slid them off of him quickly. She slid on top of him and slid him into her. He filled her warm pussy with his fullness. She moaned as she slid down onto his dick. They looked each other in the eyes as she slowly began to move. His hands guided her hips gently as they moved together as one. He had his own orgasm as she moved wonderfully on top of him. She slid off of him but he did not let her slide far as he pulled her near him. Chest to chest they lay with their hearts now beating as one. He stared into her chocolate eyes until his eyes could stay open no longer. The sun began to rise and when he opened his eyes she was gone. All that was left of her was a message in the sand next to their imprint from last night. “ A DREAM, SIMPLY A DREAM”
chasing doubt
Chasing Doubt
It is something that sneaks in, creeps in from seemingly nowhere but is so powerful that is can halt you in your tracks. You can’t see it or hear but you sure can feel it. It may strike you in the pit of your stomach or may linger inside your mind. Maybe it lies near your heart waiting to zap your courage with a stealthy swoop. Where does it come from? Doubt, why, why do you sneak into my life and play havoc with it? What have I done to you? Your World can feel so right and then, then it sneaks past the guards to your soul and plays inside those gates. You don’t feel and then you do as you pause to take note of it. Do you fear it? Are you waiting for it to pop its ugly head out at you right when you don’t need it? Doe sit wait for that final step and make you not trust it? Not always, sometimes it creeps up on you before you take your first step!! Making each step a little less sure and little more wobbly with each doubt deep inside throwing you off balance.
Where is it? I can’t see it? I can feel it!! The chase it on as you try to catch the un catch able. Erasing that doubt is now what you focus on and this, this is what it wants as now you are on its fleeting path and not the path of your choosing but the path of its choosing. Has it won now? When you think you have it doesn’t it disappear? Then you turn to try and pick up where you left off to only find a disappointment awaiting you. The goal you were chasing, it left when doubt came. Can you find its trail and catch back up? Maybe, it depends on how long you chased that doubt. How far did it take you away?
So how do you catch it? Well, the trick here is on you. You can’t catch it as it is like chasing the “pot of gold” at the end of a rainbow or catching a falling star, you can’t. For you see they don’t really exist!!! There is no pot of gold and there is no chance to catch a falling star but we dream of these anyway. We hope and we dare to dream of things in a different way. Chasing doubt is much the same even if the affects it has are not the same. It only exists because you let it. If you don’t believe there is a “pot of gold” do you chase it? As you grow up from a child and those fantasies of that “pot of gold” fade into wishing it were true and new friend finds you. DOUBT!! You chase your new friend hoping to catch it like it is the new “dark gold” in your World.
Don’t, just don’t chase it, and don’t try to catch it. Let it be with the shooting stars and the end of rainbows!! Let it lie out there somewhere. Ignore it, move past it like it was a mosquito!! Take your step towards your goal and make your way to your own, your very own “pot of gold”. Let it dissolve because it only exists if you let it exist. Ignore it and don’t chase it!! Be free from your doubts!!!
It is something that sneaks in, creeps in from seemingly nowhere but is so powerful that is can halt you in your tracks. You can’t see it or hear but you sure can feel it. It may strike you in the pit of your stomach or may linger inside your mind. Maybe it lies near your heart waiting to zap your courage with a stealthy swoop. Where does it come from? Doubt, why, why do you sneak into my life and play havoc with it? What have I done to you? Your World can feel so right and then, then it sneaks past the guards to your soul and plays inside those gates. You don’t feel and then you do as you pause to take note of it. Do you fear it? Are you waiting for it to pop its ugly head out at you right when you don’t need it? Doe sit wait for that final step and make you not trust it? Not always, sometimes it creeps up on you before you take your first step!! Making each step a little less sure and little more wobbly with each doubt deep inside throwing you off balance.
Where is it? I can’t see it? I can feel it!! The chase it on as you try to catch the un catch able. Erasing that doubt is now what you focus on and this, this is what it wants as now you are on its fleeting path and not the path of your choosing but the path of its choosing. Has it won now? When you think you have it doesn’t it disappear? Then you turn to try and pick up where you left off to only find a disappointment awaiting you. The goal you were chasing, it left when doubt came. Can you find its trail and catch back up? Maybe, it depends on how long you chased that doubt. How far did it take you away?
So how do you catch it? Well, the trick here is on you. You can’t catch it as it is like chasing the “pot of gold” at the end of a rainbow or catching a falling star, you can’t. For you see they don’t really exist!!! There is no pot of gold and there is no chance to catch a falling star but we dream of these anyway. We hope and we dare to dream of things in a different way. Chasing doubt is much the same even if the affects it has are not the same. It only exists because you let it. If you don’t believe there is a “pot of gold” do you chase it? As you grow up from a child and those fantasies of that “pot of gold” fade into wishing it were true and new friend finds you. DOUBT!! You chase your new friend hoping to catch it like it is the new “dark gold” in your World.
Don’t, just don’t chase it, and don’t try to catch it. Let it be with the shooting stars and the end of rainbows!! Let it lie out there somewhere. Ignore it, move past it like it was a mosquito!! Take your step towards your goal and make your way to your own, your very own “pot of gold”. Let it dissolve because it only exists if you let it exist. Ignore it and don’t chase it!! Be free from your doubts!!!
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