Your way……..
You left as a boy.
Came back as a man.
Proud of serving your country.
A true Army man.
23 years you gave to us all.
Living here and moving there.
Serving here or there.
Wherever duty called.
You did it all.
You did it your way.
Never met a man so stubborn.
Your way or no way.
Got an opinion? If it ain’t yours it ain’t the right one.
You saw the World and held it in yours hands.
Back here in Maine we missed you everyday.
My favorite uncle, I wanted to be just like you.
In the end you came home but not to stay.
Another trip was in store for you.
Off to be with your love, down in Mexico.
The Lord called you one day to his realm.
We miss you but we know you are above.
Looking down and trying to get us to do it your way.
Yes sir, Drill Sergeant!!!
But we still go our own ways.
Thank you for your service to our Country.
We missed you but it was what you wanted.
Thank you Uncle Bill in everyway.
Relax and we will debate again someday!!!
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Your skin
Your skin
Your skin touching mine
It just eases my mind
Eases it every time
No matter how hard things get between us
Your skin against mine
It eases my mind.
Takes me to a place that is heaven.
yes, heaven here on Earth.
You and me….. Heaven.
Pressed together with nothing between us.
Our hearts beat as one.
Nothing can be more like heaven.
No matter what happens.
No matter how hard it has been.
No matter how different the roads.
It just takes your skin on mine.
I know then what I sometimes forget.
That we are meant to be as just one.
Just one moving together.
Loving the way love is meant to be.
Two acting as just one.
Your skin on mine.
Your skin touching mine
It just eases my mind
Eases it every time
No matter how hard things get between us
Your skin against mine
It eases my mind.
Takes me to a place that is heaven.
yes, heaven here on Earth.
You and me….. Heaven.
Pressed together with nothing between us.
Our hearts beat as one.
Nothing can be more like heaven.
No matter what happens.
No matter how hard it has been.
No matter how different the roads.
It just takes your skin on mine.
I know then what I sometimes forget.
That we are meant to be as just one.
Just one moving together.
Loving the way love is meant to be.
Two acting as just one.
Your skin on mine.
Your love
Your love
I awake each day knowing that I am not alone.
That each step I take is not taken alone.
Each moment is precious and each moment is fluid.
Each day is ours and ours to live.
Your love warms me to my core.
Pulses through my veins like a drug.
Making me high on us, on life.
Your love.
It pulls me up when I am down.
Lifts me from falling into the doldrums of life.
Makes me want to be a better man.
Makes me believe in fairy tales.
Your love warms me to my core.
Pulses through my veins like a drug.
Making me high on us, on life.
Your love.
It sees me through the choppy waters.
Through the blinding rain.
Through the cold of a winters night.
Through the heat of a hot summer day.
Your love, your love….
Guides me, builds me up.
Gives me strength.
Brings me to life.
They say love can move mountains!!
Well your love is proof that is does!
You have moved me, touched me.
So deep inside.
Your love warms me to my core.
Pulses through my veins like a drug.
Making me high on us, on life.
Your love.
You. Simply you.
You. Simply you.
You are beautiful.
You are sexy.
You are hot.
You are kind.
You are sweet.
You are neat.
You are real.
You are honest.
You are special.
You are true.
You are nifty.
You are fun.
You are smart.
You are luscious.
You are yummy.
You are freaky.
You are awesome.
You are thoughtful.
You are simply you.
And that is simply enough for me!!
You are beautiful.
You are sexy.
You are hot.
You are kind.
You are sweet.
You are neat.
You are real.
You are honest.
You are special.
You are true.
You are nifty.
You are fun.
You are smart.
You are luscious.
You are yummy.
You are freaky.
You are awesome.
You are thoughtful.
You are simply you.
And that is simply enough for me!!
You, me, and the Tree
You, me, and the Tree
Where would we be without the tree?
So big and round.
Tall and proud.
Such a beautiful tree.
The view from the tree is what drew you.
And drew me too.
You could see forever and ever.
And be shaded from the sun too.
Oh what a tree.
So big that I didn’t even see thee.
You on one side.
Me on the other side.
Never knowing the other was there too.
Too much to view
Such a beautiful tree.
You enjoyed your side and I mine.
Days went bye and I dreamed.
Dreamed of one special one.
Someone so special to join the tree and me.
I dreamt and dreamt.
It had to be someone so special.
They would spend all eternity with me.
And would love the tree.
I dreamt of it too.
Then one day I saw you.
Saw you sitting on your side of the tree.
Slowly each day I sat closer to you.
Until we were side by side.
Yes, enjoying the same view.
Before long we laughed and cried.
Sometimes on your side.
Sometimes on my side.
We fell in love.
Right there under the tree.
Enjoying the view.
Soon we promised each other forever.
Right there under the tree
We had our special day.
Now we had towards forever.
You, me, and the tree.
Where would we be without the tree?
So big and round.
Tall and proud.
Such a beautiful tree.
The view from the tree is what drew you.
And drew me too.
You could see forever and ever.
And be shaded from the sun too.
Oh what a tree.
So big that I didn’t even see thee.
You on one side.
Me on the other side.
Never knowing the other was there too.
Too much to view
Such a beautiful tree.
You enjoyed your side and I mine.
Days went bye and I dreamed.
Dreamed of one special one.
Someone so special to join the tree and me.
I dreamt and dreamt.
It had to be someone so special.
They would spend all eternity with me.
And would love the tree.
I dreamt of it too.
Then one day I saw you.
Saw you sitting on your side of the tree.
Slowly each day I sat closer to you.
Until we were side by side.
Yes, enjoying the same view.
Before long we laughed and cried.
Sometimes on your side.
Sometimes on my side.
We fell in love.
Right there under the tree.
Enjoying the view.
Soon we promised each other forever.
Right there under the tree
We had our special day.
Now we had towards forever.
You, me, and the tree.
Worth A Million
Worth A Million (for Danielli and Andy)
The first time I saw you.
It was from a distance
But even then
You glowed with beauty
Glowed with confidence
A strength seemed to emit from your very being
Life wasn’t always fair to you
But you never bowed before it.
You always rose and kicked
You licked it with grace.
Moved on and never looked back.
Married a man and started a life.
The creep moved on
But you were strong
Rebuilt from the darkness.
Never lost despite the lack of light.
On a mission for your children
To be the best a mom could be.
You never failed them
And they adore you for it.
You fight like a true champion
Never going down no matter how hard your hit
Life is tough and has been to you.
Never complained and always maintained.
An attidue that admired by all.
A desire to see you win it all.
Some people just saw your beautiful face.
And the stubborn determination.
But oh not me.
One look at you up close.
And I saw those Million Dollar eyes.
Filled with so much beauty.
But yet not beauty alone
Filled with so much more.
One look from you is worth a Million.
A new man found just that out.
One look and he was in for a Million.
A million miles of travel he would do.
Just to be with you.
He picks you up when you are down.
You pick him up when he is down.
A match for you so deserving.
That look once worth a million.
Because of your new love.
Your eyes now sparkle with love.
Those eyes are now worth a trillion!!!
The first time I saw you.
It was from a distance
But even then
You glowed with beauty
Glowed with confidence
A strength seemed to emit from your very being
Life wasn’t always fair to you
But you never bowed before it.
You always rose and kicked
You licked it with grace.
Moved on and never looked back.
Married a man and started a life.
The creep moved on
But you were strong
Rebuilt from the darkness.
Never lost despite the lack of light.
On a mission for your children
To be the best a mom could be.
You never failed them
And they adore you for it.
You fight like a true champion
Never going down no matter how hard your hit
Life is tough and has been to you.
Never complained and always maintained.
An attidue that admired by all.
A desire to see you win it all.
Some people just saw your beautiful face.
And the stubborn determination.
But oh not me.
One look at you up close.
And I saw those Million Dollar eyes.
Filled with so much beauty.
But yet not beauty alone
Filled with so much more.
One look from you is worth a Million.
A new man found just that out.
One look and he was in for a Million.
A million miles of travel he would do.
Just to be with you.
He picks you up when you are down.
You pick him up when he is down.
A match for you so deserving.
That look once worth a million.
Because of your new love.
Your eyes now sparkle with love.
Those eyes are now worth a trillion!!!
Words I know
Words I know
Son, I watched you grow from a boy to a man.
It was hard sitting here sometimes.
Watching you struggle along the way.
Some days I just wanted to reach down and pick you up.
Dust you off and slap you in the butt.
Tell you to keep on moving on.
Other days I just wanted to knock you down myself.
Tell you are a spoiled little one.
And that it just don’t work that way.
Either way I knew it would be tough.
To sit and watch you grow into a man.
Tough to know when to do what for you.
I wanted to be your guiding hand.
And not the steering hand.
The loving hand and not pushing you down hand.
So when to hold back and when to let go.
Was the hardest thing because I didn’t know.
I learned with you and hoped you knew that I loved you.
I could have said it a time or two.
I loved you so much and was proud of you.
Words I know that I didn’t let go.
You deserve to know though son.
I am so proud of you then and now.
I loved you so from the very day you were born.
My son, you make my World go.
Keep on doing it your way.
Cause I am so proud of my boy.
You make my World go round.
I loved watching you grow.
And now it is your time.
To make your very own.
Watch them grow.
They will make your World go too.
Just let em know that you love em too.
And keep them loving you.
They are word I know.
Words I didn’t say enough son.
So don’t you make my mistake too.
Just let em know they are the ones that make your World go round.
Son, I just have to let you know.
I loved you from the day you were born.
And I will love you even when I am gone.
They are words I know……….I love you son.
Son, I watched you grow from a boy to a man.
It was hard sitting here sometimes.
Watching you struggle along the way.
Some days I just wanted to reach down and pick you up.
Dust you off and slap you in the butt.
Tell you to keep on moving on.
Other days I just wanted to knock you down myself.
Tell you are a spoiled little one.
And that it just don’t work that way.
Either way I knew it would be tough.
To sit and watch you grow into a man.
Tough to know when to do what for you.
I wanted to be your guiding hand.
And not the steering hand.
The loving hand and not pushing you down hand.
So when to hold back and when to let go.
Was the hardest thing because I didn’t know.
I learned with you and hoped you knew that I loved you.
I could have said it a time or two.
I loved you so much and was proud of you.
Words I know that I didn’t let go.
You deserve to know though son.
I am so proud of you then and now.
I loved you so from the very day you were born.
My son, you make my World go.
Keep on doing it your way.
Cause I am so proud of my boy.
You make my World go round.
I loved watching you grow.
And now it is your time.
To make your very own.
Watch them grow.
They will make your World go too.
Just let em know that you love em too.
And keep them loving you.
They are word I know.
Words I didn’t say enough son.
So don’t you make my mistake too.
Just let em know they are the ones that make your World go round.
Son, I just have to let you know.
I loved you from the day you were born.
And I will love you even when I am gone.
They are words I know……….I love you son.
Words can’t hurt me.
Words can’t hurt me.
Words can’t hurt me.
Tell me that again and again.
Cause I ain’t believing it.
Words can’t hurt.
Oh no they can’t hurt me.
Sticks and stones you say?
They bring pain for real.
Something you can see.
Words though can’t bring pain you say.
Your words, they crushed me inside.
They changed me and sent me spinning in life.
You can’t see my pain. Oh no?
Words can’t hurt me.
Tell me that again and again.
Cause I ain’t believing it.
Words can’t hurt.
Bring on those sticks.
Bring on those stones.
I will take that pain every damn day.
Bring them on.
Please daddy no more words.
No that pain doesn’t go away.
You hold the cure to that pain.
You hold it tight and won’t let it go.
The pain pierces my very core.
I search for the answers.
For the keys to unlock the pain.
Daddy you hold that key.
Words can’t hurt me.
Tell me that again and again.
Cause I ain’t believing it.
Words can’t hurt.
You said I wasn’t meant to be.
How could you not see the pain in me?
Could you not hear my heart shatter?
Could you not see the hole in my little soul?
I never wanted to let you down.
I always wanted to make you proud.
Words can’t hurt me you say.
I found my own keys now daddy.
I unlocked my pain daddy.
The healing comes.
Bring on the words.
Cause there ain’t no hole in my soul now.
No there ain’t no shattered heart anymore.
No pain in my brain daddy.
Your words, there gone.
Daddy you were right about one thing.
And that is…
Words can’t hurt me.
Words can’t hurt me now
Not now, not ever again.
Words can’t hurt me.
Words can’t hurt me now.
Not now, not ever again.
Why go on?
Why go on?
We had it all, yes we had it all!!
Then in an instant you were gone.
It was all gone at that moment.
The World in our hands!!
Like puddy for us to mold.
Our World in our way.
Then in an instant it all changed.
Here now and then gone.
I can begin to understand it.
I can’t wrap my mind around it.
You’re gone and so am I.
I died that day too, just like you.
Why go on without you?
My hope went with you.
My spirit went with you too.
My dreams fade with each moment.
With you gone I feel adrift in the ocean.
No land in sight!! I just drift.
We had it all and now it is gone.
So why should I go on?
I wanna be where you are again.
I miss that loving touch.
Those eyes that led me to your soul.
Why go on without you?
My heart beats the same
But yet each beat is filled with pain.
I don’t wanna feel no more pain.
I just want to be with you.
If you are gone.
Then I want to be gone.
It hurts so much to try and soldier on.
I feel so empty now that you are gone.
Why, why should I go on?
We had it all, yes we had it all!!
Then in an instant you were gone.
It was all gone at that moment.
The World in our hands!!
Like puddy for us to mold.
Our World in our way.
Then in an instant it all changed.
Here now and then gone.
I can begin to understand it.
I can’t wrap my mind around it.
You’re gone and so am I.
I died that day too, just like you.
Why go on without you?
My hope went with you.
My spirit went with you too.
My dreams fade with each moment.
With you gone I feel adrift in the ocean.
No land in sight!! I just drift.
We had it all and now it is gone.
So why should I go on?
I wanna be where you are again.
I miss that loving touch.
Those eyes that led me to your soul.
Why go on without you?
My heart beats the same
But yet each beat is filled with pain.
I don’t wanna feel no more pain.
I just want to be with you.
If you are gone.
Then I want to be gone.
It hurts so much to try and soldier on.
I feel so empty now that you are gone.
Why, why should I go on?
Who is it?
Who is it?
Looking in the mirror.
I saw someone I didn’t know.
Someone who looked so sad.
So worn by time.
Someone without much hope.
I realized I had changed.
I barely recognized myself.
The mirror told the truth.
I was in a sad state.
I closed my eyes.
I squeezed them tight.
Hoping to erase the image I had seen.
I opened them.
Apparently too soon as I was still in a sad state.
Looking like a man I didn’t know anymore.
I struggled as tears formed.
Within my very eyes.
Through the building tears I the mirror changed.
I saw hope deep within.
I saw a chance to fulfill all my dreams.
Then the tear dropped.
Leaving me with the same sad state again.
I wanted another tear just to see it again.
None would come though.
No second look at hope.
As I lowered my head and turned to walk away.
Resigned to my fate.
I walked into the door.
Fell to the floor.
Stars twinkled above me.
I knew then it would be okay.
I began to laugh.
I had to reach for the stars.
They would lead the way.
No more head down for me.
Look up and see the way.
Ahead it is bright.
Looking down it was always dark.
Off I must go now.
Time to go after my stars.
Reach for the joy.
That lies within them.
Looking in the mirror.
I saw someone I didn’t know.
Someone who looked so sad.
So worn by time.
Someone without much hope.
I realized I had changed.
I barely recognized myself.
The mirror told the truth.
I was in a sad state.
I closed my eyes.
I squeezed them tight.
Hoping to erase the image I had seen.
I opened them.
Apparently too soon as I was still in a sad state.
Looking like a man I didn’t know anymore.
I struggled as tears formed.
Within my very eyes.
Through the building tears I the mirror changed.
I saw hope deep within.
I saw a chance to fulfill all my dreams.
Then the tear dropped.
Leaving me with the same sad state again.
I wanted another tear just to see it again.
None would come though.
No second look at hope.
As I lowered my head and turned to walk away.
Resigned to my fate.
I walked into the door.
Fell to the floor.
Stars twinkled above me.
I knew then it would be okay.
I began to laugh.
I had to reach for the stars.
They would lead the way.
No more head down for me.
Look up and see the way.
Ahead it is bright.
Looking down it was always dark.
Off I must go now.
Time to go after my stars.
Reach for the joy.
That lies within them.
who are you?
Who are you?
Who am I?
People in a place.
Just taking up space.
No staying long enough.
To know how it all unfolds.
Here for a moment.
Gone so soon.
Back to dust.
From where we came.
Do we matter in this game?
It spins right round.
We are here for now.
So let’s enjoy the ride.
I want to be right here with you.
Do we matter in the big picture?
Or are we but a thought?
I am not sure I know.
But I do know this one thing.
Rather I am here or there or anywhere.
I want to be right where you are.
Then for me it is always the place to be.
And you will always matter to me.
No place can be better than where you are for me.
Who am I?
People in a place.
Just taking up space.
No staying long enough.
To know how it all unfolds.
Here for a moment.
Gone so soon.
Back to dust.
From where we came.
Do we matter in this game?
It spins right round.
We are here for now.
So let’s enjoy the ride.
I want to be right here with you.
Do we matter in the big picture?
Or are we but a thought?
I am not sure I know.
But I do know this one thing.
Rather I am here or there or anywhere.
I want to be right where you are.
Then for me it is always the place to be.
And you will always matter to me.
No place can be better than where you are for me.
Where has she gone?
Where has she gone?
You walked right in.
Settle right down.
Turned my World right around.
Before I knew it though you were gone.
Left my World spinning around.
It was too soon, too soon for you.
It was so right and we had it in our sights.
It was just too soon.
Too soon, too soon.
Too soon for you to love again.
It was the stuff dreams are made of,
Right here in our hands.
What could we have done different?
Nothing, nothing comes to mind.
We did it just right.
Yes, just right but it was just too soon.
He broke your heart into a million little pieces.
He went out on you and shattered you.
The pieces have yet to be all fall back into place.
We met anyway, we fell in love anyway.
It was all just right until that night.
When you saw him with her.
Then you began to shake.
The fear set in and you began to break.
The pieces started to fall again.
I tried to hold them in place.
I couldn’t, no, I couldn’t hold em all.
You ran away from what felt so right.
It was just too soon.
Too soon, too soon.
Too soon for you to love again.
It was just too soon.
Too soon, too soon.
Too soon for you to love again.
When I am walking,
When I am driving,
When I am sleeping,
I am looking, looking
Just looking for you.
Let me help you.
Let me love you.
Where have you gone?
You walked right in.
Settle right down.
Turned my World right around.
Before I knew it though you were gone.
Left my World spinning around.
It was too soon, too soon for you.
It was so right and we had it in our sights.
It was just too soon.
Too soon, too soon.
Too soon for you to love again.
It was the stuff dreams are made of,
Right here in our hands.
What could we have done different?
Nothing, nothing comes to mind.
We did it just right.
Yes, just right but it was just too soon.
He broke your heart into a million little pieces.
He went out on you and shattered you.
The pieces have yet to be all fall back into place.
We met anyway, we fell in love anyway.
It was all just right until that night.
When you saw him with her.
Then you began to shake.
The fear set in and you began to break.
The pieces started to fall again.
I tried to hold them in place.
I couldn’t, no, I couldn’t hold em all.
You ran away from what felt so right.
It was just too soon.
Too soon, too soon.
Too soon for you to love again.
It was just too soon.
Too soon, too soon.
Too soon for you to love again.
When I am walking,
When I am driving,
When I am sleeping,
I am looking, looking
Just looking for you.
Let me help you.
Let me love you.
Where have you gone?
Where does the road lead?
Where does the road lead?
Where does our road lead sweetie?
Tell me for I can’t see it today.
It disappears in the fog on the road.
Before the horizon where you hide.
Does our road lead us to be together?
Does our road lead us to heartache?
You say your hopes and dreams.
Lead us together to be as one.
Hopes and dreams?
Or shadows and dust?
Where does the road really lead?
Is it a marriage or a mirage?
What lies down the road?
Will it lead me to thee?
Or just lead me to a new road.
A new journey further from thee?
Where does our road lead sweetie?
We can hope and we can dream.
We can’t know though where it may go.
Two beating hearts?
Or two bursting hearts?
Take it slow, walk the road.
See the twist and turns.
And you will be with me.
Where does our road lead sweetie?
Tell me for I can’t see it today.
It disappears in the fog on the road.
Before the horizon where you hide.
Does our road lead us to be together?
Does our road lead us to heartache?
You say your hopes and dreams.
Lead us together to be as one.
Hopes and dreams?
Or shadows and dust?
Where does the road really lead?
Is it a marriage or a mirage?
What lies down the road?
Will it lead me to thee?
Or just lead me to a new road.
A new journey further from thee?
Where does our road lead sweetie?
We can hope and we can dream.
We can’t know though where it may go.
Two beating hearts?
Or two bursting hearts?
Take it slow, walk the road.
See the twist and turns.
And you will be with me.
Where are you?
Where are you?
Sometimes things matter
Sometimes they don’t
Who chooses?
Who don’t?
What is right?
What is wrong?
The rules are written
Black, white, and gray!!
Wiggle room there is
For the chosen ones
Were do you fall
Who decides?
Black, white, or gray
Where are you?
Sometimes things matter
Sometimes they don’t
Who chooses?
Who don’t?
What is right?
What is wrong?
The rules are written
Black, white, and gray!!
Wiggle room there is
For the chosen ones
Were do you fall
Who decides?
Black, white, or gray
Where are you?
When heaven calls
When heaven calls
Heaven is a wonderful place.
Beautiful, calm, full of all things good.
It is what lies beyond this Earth.
We look to the skies and wonder.
When will our call come?
Will we be ready?
We have no choice but to answer the call.
When does it come?
Heaven is so far away, isn’t it?
Or is it just a call away?
A mere moment in time
Eternity on the other side?
Heaven will call.
Have you given your all?
If not now, then when?
When will heaven call?
So we need to be ready.
Cause heaven will call.
Ready or not you get the call.
Did you do it all?
Do it now, do it now!!!
Don’t wait for tomorrow.
Do it now, you have now.
Make it happen now.
Heaven will call.
Regrets? Who wants em for eternity?
You get choice in there here and now.
Make your statement before heaven calls.
Heaven calls us all.
No way to know when.
No way to delay the end.
Heaven calls us all, but when?
Heaven is a wonderful place.
Beautiful, calm, full of all things good.
It is what lies beyond this Earth.
We look to the skies and wonder.
When will our call come?
Will we be ready?
We have no choice but to answer the call.
When does it come?
Heaven is so far away, isn’t it?
Or is it just a call away?
A mere moment in time
Eternity on the other side?
Heaven will call.
Have you given your all?
If not now, then when?
When will heaven call?
So we need to be ready.
Cause heaven will call.
Ready or not you get the call.
Did you do it all?
Do it now, do it now!!!
Don’t wait for tomorrow.
Do it now, you have now.
Make it happen now.
Heaven will call.
Regrets? Who wants em for eternity?
You get choice in there here and now.
Make your statement before heaven calls.
Heaven calls us all.
No way to know when.
No way to delay the end.
Heaven calls us all, but when?
What the future holds….
What the future holds….
Where did it all begin?
I am not so sure I know.
It seems so long ago.
Seems like I have known you.
Known you all my life.
Even though I’ve just met you.
How can it feel so right?
Society says it is so wrong.
Even though I just met you.
I think I know you.
Maybe it was meant to be.
Maybe it was meant to be.
Why didn’t we find each other long ago?
It would have been, much easier then.
The cards have been dealt now.
Our hands must be played out.
Why couldn’t it have been?
Why couldn’t it have been?
It is what is it is now.
Twisting our hearts through the ringer.
Dreaming of what should’ve been.
Wondering now what can be.
Where does this road lead anyway?
I just know that I need you now.
Walk the road with me, walk it with me now.
Let’s see where it goes
Lets see where it goes and
not even care what the future holds.
Let’s have today now.
Tomorrow is hope for sure.
Maybe it will play out our way.
But lets enjoy today now.
Cause now I have found you.
Here in my arms you are
and here in my heart too.
It coulda been so different back then.
But then is gone now.
So let’s just walk today.
Enjoy the love we have now.
Never taking it for granted.
So it doesn’t really matter,
Doesn’t really matter.
No not where it began or
even how it will end.
Fairy tales aren’t meant for us.
So let’s just enjoy this.
Share a new found love between us.
Bring happiness to us.
Smile for me cause I smile for you.
Enjoy now with me.
Cause I enjoy now with thee.
It doesn’t matter where the road leads.
Just walk with me and love me.
I wanna walk with you and love you too.
Where did it all begin?
I am not so sure I know.
It seems so long ago.
Seems like I have known you.
Known you all my life.
Even though I’ve just met you.
How can it feel so right?
Society says it is so wrong.
Even though I just met you.
I think I know you.
Maybe it was meant to be.
Maybe it was meant to be.
Why didn’t we find each other long ago?
It would have been, much easier then.
The cards have been dealt now.
Our hands must be played out.
Why couldn’t it have been?
Why couldn’t it have been?
It is what is it is now.
Twisting our hearts through the ringer.
Dreaming of what should’ve been.
Wondering now what can be.
Where does this road lead anyway?
I just know that I need you now.
Walk the road with me, walk it with me now.
Let’s see where it goes
Lets see where it goes and
not even care what the future holds.
Let’s have today now.
Tomorrow is hope for sure.
Maybe it will play out our way.
But lets enjoy today now.
Cause now I have found you.
Here in my arms you are
and here in my heart too.
It coulda been so different back then.
But then is gone now.
So let’s just walk today.
Enjoy the love we have now.
Never taking it for granted.
So it doesn’t really matter,
Doesn’t really matter.
No not where it began or
even how it will end.
Fairy tales aren’t meant for us.
So let’s just enjoy this.
Share a new found love between us.
Bring happiness to us.
Smile for me cause I smile for you.
Enjoy now with me.
Cause I enjoy now with thee.
It doesn’t matter where the road leads.
Just walk with me and love me.
I wanna walk with you and love you too.
What is your biggest fear?
What is your biggest fear?
I think everyone probably fears something from time to time. Are you afraid of the dark? After of spiders? Mice? Water? I think everyone has some sort of fear such as these fears. These though are not what I am talking about. The fear I am talking about is deep within you. It is in your soul and it is part of you just like the blood that flows through your veins. It is likely something that scares you greatly and shakes your very foundation to the core. It is the fear that you tell to no one and yet the one that keeps you up at night. It lives in you and you give it life. In fact you are its life!!!
What would make you fall to your knees? What would make you shake or tremble in fear or panic? What would tighten every single muscle in your body? What do you fear so much that if it happened you think you would die?
The fear I am talking about is real and does exist in us all in some form. For me that fear is of proving I am a mistake. The fear of being found out that I am a fraud and really am a failure. That I really wasn’t meant to be here on this Earth and I only am because someone else made a mistake. The fear shakes me to my core inside!! Every step that I take and every pump of my heart that fills my veins with blood reminds me that I live in that fear. It is with me, it is me!! What if it is true? What if it is right? Then what do I do or what do I become? How would I go on? Why would I go on if I was found out to be a mistake? Can I ever get away from that fear?
I sure hope so but I think these types of fears are hard to get away from for most people. You can’t run from it. You can’t hide from it and turning on the lights doesn’t make it go away. If it wants you to know it is there or feel it then that is exactly what is going to happen. And it goes back deep inside and waits when it wants to as well.
If anyone ever confirmed my biggest fear then I would crumble. The big wall that has been there called my life would crumble and shatter into a billion pieces never to be restored again. How can I stay ahead of it? How can I not be found out to be a mistake? I keep putting on this front and people buy it. I am some nice, loving, sweet, kind, gentle and successful man. However, inside rages a hell that few can ever know and a hell that few would ever survive if it was theirs to live!!
Everyday it feels like I get up and have to put on a suit and mask to hide the demon that I can see in the mirror. I know it is there but all of you don’t, all of you are fooled by an outward appearance and a shell. An act to impress and to fool you into thinking that I am worthy and that I exist because I was meant to be here on Earth. If you only knew the truth, what would you think then? Would you still call me a friend? Would you think I was successful or would you shun me? Would you tell me that my fears didn’t matter?
I would like to think that if I started to crumble that my friends would be there with whatever I needed to keep me in one piece. To tell me and remind me that I am actually what you see and not what I fear. I am not what I fear and there is no mask to take off. My fears were only just shadows and minds games. They were fears of something that existed only in my darkest dreams. I face each day because I am strong and I am strong enough to overcome words from my past. I am strong enough to overcome fears from my past and to exercise any demons of yesterday. There is no mask to take off and what I see is really me. I am the kind, sweet, loving, sensitive, and successful man. That is me and will continue to be me. One man can only bring another down if he lets him. Words are just words if you make them be that. They are not concrete or stone and they are not made of anything except sounds. To let them shape or shatter me would be wrong. I was fooled once by the devil to believe I was a mistake and needed to live a charade. The trick though is on him. I used the words to motivate me and to survive when I was young. Now I prosper and look at the devil with a smile on my face. It was my strength and my belief in myself that made me who I am today. No man or woman’s words can break me or bring me down. Now I walk proud and walk to the beat of my own drummer.
I think everyone probably fears something from time to time. Are you afraid of the dark? After of spiders? Mice? Water? I think everyone has some sort of fear such as these fears. These though are not what I am talking about. The fear I am talking about is deep within you. It is in your soul and it is part of you just like the blood that flows through your veins. It is likely something that scares you greatly and shakes your very foundation to the core. It is the fear that you tell to no one and yet the one that keeps you up at night. It lives in you and you give it life. In fact you are its life!!!
What would make you fall to your knees? What would make you shake or tremble in fear or panic? What would tighten every single muscle in your body? What do you fear so much that if it happened you think you would die?
The fear I am talking about is real and does exist in us all in some form. For me that fear is of proving I am a mistake. The fear of being found out that I am a fraud and really am a failure. That I really wasn’t meant to be here on this Earth and I only am because someone else made a mistake. The fear shakes me to my core inside!! Every step that I take and every pump of my heart that fills my veins with blood reminds me that I live in that fear. It is with me, it is me!! What if it is true? What if it is right? Then what do I do or what do I become? How would I go on? Why would I go on if I was found out to be a mistake? Can I ever get away from that fear?
I sure hope so but I think these types of fears are hard to get away from for most people. You can’t run from it. You can’t hide from it and turning on the lights doesn’t make it go away. If it wants you to know it is there or feel it then that is exactly what is going to happen. And it goes back deep inside and waits when it wants to as well.
If anyone ever confirmed my biggest fear then I would crumble. The big wall that has been there called my life would crumble and shatter into a billion pieces never to be restored again. How can I stay ahead of it? How can I not be found out to be a mistake? I keep putting on this front and people buy it. I am some nice, loving, sweet, kind, gentle and successful man. However, inside rages a hell that few can ever know and a hell that few would ever survive if it was theirs to live!!
Everyday it feels like I get up and have to put on a suit and mask to hide the demon that I can see in the mirror. I know it is there but all of you don’t, all of you are fooled by an outward appearance and a shell. An act to impress and to fool you into thinking that I am worthy and that I exist because I was meant to be here on Earth. If you only knew the truth, what would you think then? Would you still call me a friend? Would you think I was successful or would you shun me? Would you tell me that my fears didn’t matter?
I would like to think that if I started to crumble that my friends would be there with whatever I needed to keep me in one piece. To tell me and remind me that I am actually what you see and not what I fear. I am not what I fear and there is no mask to take off. My fears were only just shadows and minds games. They were fears of something that existed only in my darkest dreams. I face each day because I am strong and I am strong enough to overcome words from my past. I am strong enough to overcome fears from my past and to exercise any demons of yesterday. There is no mask to take off and what I see is really me. I am the kind, sweet, loving, sensitive, and successful man. That is me and will continue to be me. One man can only bring another down if he lets him. Words are just words if you make them be that. They are not concrete or stone and they are not made of anything except sounds. To let them shape or shatter me would be wrong. I was fooled once by the devil to believe I was a mistake and needed to live a charade. The trick though is on him. I used the words to motivate me and to survive when I was young. Now I prosper and look at the devil with a smile on my face. It was my strength and my belief in myself that made me who I am today. No man or woman’s words can break me or bring me down. Now I walk proud and walk to the beat of my own drummer.
What’s in a bag?
What’s in a bag?
Ok, here is a little adventure I decided to take this morning. I am going to bring you along with me as it looks like it might be enjoyable to have company. And I may need some saving after I write this anyway!!! So be prepared to help me out here!! Especially any guys who read this!!! Got my back? I sure as hell hope so cause this may cause me to head for the hills or the witness protection program as soon as I share it with you. My wife may decide after reading this that I am better off dead!! I am kidding of course but I think this stuff is funny or at least I hope it is at the very least interesting.
So every morning she gets up and gets ready for work, ok not every morning, Monday through Friday. I mean there is a difference on Saturday and Sunday as this process doesn’t always occur and if it does it is often a modified version of the same song and dance. However, I know that so often us guys here the well I am doing it for you. Doing it for me? Really, then how come after you “do it” for me do you leave me? Not sure I understand that one really but I am a guy so what am I to understand anyways out of a woman’s mouth? Sounds like the peanuts talking most of the time to us guys. I know, that is going to get me in some trouble but you know what, it is the truth. I think we just try to catch a few words here or there and then guess on the rest if it is required that we more than grunt or say yes-no to something from women. So if I don’t get it right, do all of us men a favor, speak English ladies and not womanish!!! Can’t find a good book to help me learn that language. I mean who is going to explain it anyway? A guy? Well he doesn’t get it in the first place so he is just damn trying to make his own woman happy. A woman? Hell no!!! Even dumbed down womanish is just too complicated for us guys. Anyway, before I stray to far from the point of this little adventure it is time to move on.
I decided that I wanted to see what was in this bag that started everyday off in some form for my wife. If she was doing it for me then maybe I should take a little more interest in what she was doing to herself!!!
So first thing I grab is the bag!!! Holy cow!!! Think I might have pulled a muscle just moving this thing!!! I notice that the shower rod sighs as I lift this thing off of it!! Man, what the heck is in here? Now I am even more curious but grab some aspirin on my way to ease the pain. So all drugged up now I sit at the table…….
First item is…… drum roll please…. Oil-free eye make-up remover…. Sounds okay and smells okay. I think I might understand this stuff afterall. I read the back a little and come to “incase of eye irritation, discontinue use”. Well what the hell kind of product is this anyway. It is for near your eyes but may irritate your eyes. Okay only thing I use like that is something to clean the sink!! So what the hell you putting on your face girl!!! I think if it may irritate your eyes then maybe it should stay away from your eyes!!!
Next I grab this stuff and I call it stuff because I just am not sure what it is really. A little container about the size of my thumb and flat with two different colors in it. On the back it says “jungle” and Made in Italy. Are there jungles in Italy? I don’t think so but whatever. Is this stuff again for the eyes? If so I can see why we are talking some potent crap to take it off. Why would you put it on anyway? I look like the kind of guy who likes Jungle Jane?
In another pocket is a IPod Shuffle so I pop it on my ears and turn it on. Wow..wow..wow..what the hell is this stuff? Is it pump me up before I go-go to work or something? Off that thing goes as I think my brain is now tainted somehow by that little excursion. Also in that pouch were those goggles for the tanning booth. Why protect your eyes in there? Have you noticed the other stuff you use isn’t really protecting them? I mean you tell me sun block this and sun block that!!! Look what you are doing!! Sun I can pronounce, UV rays….. pretty simple but what the hell is ethyl ester of pvm/ma copolymer?
You play dumb but that stuff right there IS rocket science. I think you belong in NASA or something. I see another bottle here that says Aqua on it!! Hey, even I know that is water but it is womanish for good water I guess or something like that. I need the hair spray with aqua in it!! Ever read that can? Howly cow!! Flamable, no actually highly flammable. Hhhmm, where have I seen that before? Oh yes, on the lighter fluid for my grill!! But you put it in your hair!!! It even tells you to stay away from open flames!! Wow, see now you are right into chemistry and stuff. But if I want to play with chemical it is a no-no or I atleast have to wear those funny protector glasses. So I get the hair spray I guess but why do they make so many different levels? Soft hold, gentle, super, and never movin. I do not get it really…how about one..one level…. Isn’t hair spray to keep your hair in place? Okay..one level!!!
Okay I found something with some sunscreen in it. This stuff looks like a powder and is well, medium beige, is there a difference between all the beiges? Ask us guys and you will get a nice simple answer. NO!!! Beige is well beige girls. Bare Minerals….. with sunscreen….spf 15!! Wow, so you powder this stuff on your face and you get minerals? Plus sun screen and beige color. This is a miracle!!! But what is wrong with vitamins and minerals pills to do the job? How about some real sun screen? Beige…. Why? Is your skin beige? NO!! Another thing is you don’t need this stuff that likely costs more with sunscreen in it. Hey, oh powerful one, you work inside, at a desk!! Unless you have your very own sun lamp or something, you do not need the sunscreen. In fact skip this whole part altogether!!! Your skin color is just fine!!
Now a bag within a bag!!! A pink lace bag….. what good can come of looking in this? None but I am living on the edge today so I peer inside!! There are tools in here!!! A brush, a thing for your eyelashes that looks like something from a torture chamber. I am not sticking my face near that. You jump at scary movies but look at this crap. What do you have to fear on a tv!!! Now I see some lip liner…..why? Can I just ask why? Lips are lips are lips….. why color them..why try to make them bigger? There are things we want to see bigger and those ain’t them baby. What the hell is Dusty Pink? Who thinks of these names?
Okay… I pull out a little green bottle….Fructis Style…. Sounds yummie…. It even has fruit micro-waxes. Okay, so far I can live with this… as a friggin flavor enhancer or something!! Root booster….all day weightless volume!!! What? Huh!! Okay if you spray this in your hair it is going to add weight girls. It is not very often you add something but yet end up with less weight. So is this just the beginning? Is there a weightless food on the way? So this provides all this extra volume and hold without build-up? Okay, again it says you are spraying waxes into your hair…. No build up…hhmmm… where does the wax go? It builds up somewhere!!!
Okay some nice looking tubes here… ultimate mascara (apparently the regular isn’t good enough for the princess), medium coverage foundation (why medium, if you want to cover something cover it or don’t, half ass medium), firming eye gel (I don’t even want to know..friggin alien!!), age fighting moisturizer with sunscreen (omg…look it is going to happen..you are going to age… this stuff will not stop it..really…. honestly…so stop wasting your money on it), something called night solutions (uhm, you use this either before you go to work or at the gym, so do you know what night means?), and finally a hair pick plus a hair twisty twirly thing.
I really just don’t get it until I see the mirror….. then I just know you girls are crazy. This thing would fit in the palm of my hand!!! So if this is good enough why oh why do I have to have mirrors as wall replacements for you to use? This here can’t be good enough!!! You just make no sense.
So putting everything back now…..so much stuff and I didn’t even pull out the two soaps, shampoo, deodorant, and more make-up remover!!
Okay, one last little bottle here… hhhmmm……nice blue color to the liquid inside..see I am sensitive!! Finishing Oil…. That has just got to be something for my damn car. Maybe rub it on instead of Armour All or something? Nope..finishing oil is for after hair removal boys!!! That is just too funny…. I think we call it aftershave….. I wonder if yours stings like crazy or if it was you who made ours so it would sting!!
So that is my little adventure for the morning. Now I need to go workout to feel manly again!!! So off to the gym, if you do not hear from me for days…. I guess I didn’t get away in time.
Ok, here is a little adventure I decided to take this morning. I am going to bring you along with me as it looks like it might be enjoyable to have company. And I may need some saving after I write this anyway!!! So be prepared to help me out here!! Especially any guys who read this!!! Got my back? I sure as hell hope so cause this may cause me to head for the hills or the witness protection program as soon as I share it with you. My wife may decide after reading this that I am better off dead!! I am kidding of course but I think this stuff is funny or at least I hope it is at the very least interesting.
So every morning she gets up and gets ready for work, ok not every morning, Monday through Friday. I mean there is a difference on Saturday and Sunday as this process doesn’t always occur and if it does it is often a modified version of the same song and dance. However, I know that so often us guys here the well I am doing it for you. Doing it for me? Really, then how come after you “do it” for me do you leave me? Not sure I understand that one really but I am a guy so what am I to understand anyways out of a woman’s mouth? Sounds like the peanuts talking most of the time to us guys. I know, that is going to get me in some trouble but you know what, it is the truth. I think we just try to catch a few words here or there and then guess on the rest if it is required that we more than grunt or say yes-no to something from women. So if I don’t get it right, do all of us men a favor, speak English ladies and not womanish!!! Can’t find a good book to help me learn that language. I mean who is going to explain it anyway? A guy? Well he doesn’t get it in the first place so he is just damn trying to make his own woman happy. A woman? Hell no!!! Even dumbed down womanish is just too complicated for us guys. Anyway, before I stray to far from the point of this little adventure it is time to move on.
I decided that I wanted to see what was in this bag that started everyday off in some form for my wife. If she was doing it for me then maybe I should take a little more interest in what she was doing to herself!!!
So first thing I grab is the bag!!! Holy cow!!! Think I might have pulled a muscle just moving this thing!!! I notice that the shower rod sighs as I lift this thing off of it!! Man, what the heck is in here? Now I am even more curious but grab some aspirin on my way to ease the pain. So all drugged up now I sit at the table…….
First item is…… drum roll please…. Oil-free eye make-up remover…. Sounds okay and smells okay. I think I might understand this stuff afterall. I read the back a little and come to “incase of eye irritation, discontinue use”. Well what the hell kind of product is this anyway. It is for near your eyes but may irritate your eyes. Okay only thing I use like that is something to clean the sink!! So what the hell you putting on your face girl!!! I think if it may irritate your eyes then maybe it should stay away from your eyes!!!
Next I grab this stuff and I call it stuff because I just am not sure what it is really. A little container about the size of my thumb and flat with two different colors in it. On the back it says “jungle” and Made in Italy. Are there jungles in Italy? I don’t think so but whatever. Is this stuff again for the eyes? If so I can see why we are talking some potent crap to take it off. Why would you put it on anyway? I look like the kind of guy who likes Jungle Jane?
In another pocket is a IPod Shuffle so I pop it on my ears and turn it on. Wow..wow..wow..what the hell is this stuff? Is it pump me up before I go-go to work or something? Off that thing goes as I think my brain is now tainted somehow by that little excursion. Also in that pouch were those goggles for the tanning booth. Why protect your eyes in there? Have you noticed the other stuff you use isn’t really protecting them? I mean you tell me sun block this and sun block that!!! Look what you are doing!! Sun I can pronounce, UV rays….. pretty simple but what the hell is ethyl ester of pvm/ma copolymer?
You play dumb but that stuff right there IS rocket science. I think you belong in NASA or something. I see another bottle here that says Aqua on it!! Hey, even I know that is water but it is womanish for good water I guess or something like that. I need the hair spray with aqua in it!! Ever read that can? Howly cow!! Flamable, no actually highly flammable. Hhhmm, where have I seen that before? Oh yes, on the lighter fluid for my grill!! But you put it in your hair!!! It even tells you to stay away from open flames!! Wow, see now you are right into chemistry and stuff. But if I want to play with chemical it is a no-no or I atleast have to wear those funny protector glasses. So I get the hair spray I guess but why do they make so many different levels? Soft hold, gentle, super, and never movin. I do not get it really…how about one..one level…. Isn’t hair spray to keep your hair in place? Okay..one level!!!
Okay I found something with some sunscreen in it. This stuff looks like a powder and is well, medium beige, is there a difference between all the beiges? Ask us guys and you will get a nice simple answer. NO!!! Beige is well beige girls. Bare Minerals….. with sunscreen….spf 15!! Wow, so you powder this stuff on your face and you get minerals? Plus sun screen and beige color. This is a miracle!!! But what is wrong with vitamins and minerals pills to do the job? How about some real sun screen? Beige…. Why? Is your skin beige? NO!! Another thing is you don’t need this stuff that likely costs more with sunscreen in it. Hey, oh powerful one, you work inside, at a desk!! Unless you have your very own sun lamp or something, you do not need the sunscreen. In fact skip this whole part altogether!!! Your skin color is just fine!!
Now a bag within a bag!!! A pink lace bag….. what good can come of looking in this? None but I am living on the edge today so I peer inside!! There are tools in here!!! A brush, a thing for your eyelashes that looks like something from a torture chamber. I am not sticking my face near that. You jump at scary movies but look at this crap. What do you have to fear on a tv!!! Now I see some lip liner…..why? Can I just ask why? Lips are lips are lips….. why color them..why try to make them bigger? There are things we want to see bigger and those ain’t them baby. What the hell is Dusty Pink? Who thinks of these names?
Okay… I pull out a little green bottle….Fructis Style…. Sounds yummie…. It even has fruit micro-waxes. Okay, so far I can live with this… as a friggin flavor enhancer or something!! Root booster….all day weightless volume!!! What? Huh!! Okay if you spray this in your hair it is going to add weight girls. It is not very often you add something but yet end up with less weight. So is this just the beginning? Is there a weightless food on the way? So this provides all this extra volume and hold without build-up? Okay, again it says you are spraying waxes into your hair…. No build up…hhmmm… where does the wax go? It builds up somewhere!!!
Okay some nice looking tubes here… ultimate mascara (apparently the regular isn’t good enough for the princess), medium coverage foundation (why medium, if you want to cover something cover it or don’t, half ass medium), firming eye gel (I don’t even want to know..friggin alien!!), age fighting moisturizer with sunscreen (omg…look it is going to happen..you are going to age… this stuff will not stop it..really…. honestly…so stop wasting your money on it), something called night solutions (uhm, you use this either before you go to work or at the gym, so do you know what night means?), and finally a hair pick plus a hair twisty twirly thing.
I really just don’t get it until I see the mirror….. then I just know you girls are crazy. This thing would fit in the palm of my hand!!! So if this is good enough why oh why do I have to have mirrors as wall replacements for you to use? This here can’t be good enough!!! You just make no sense.
So putting everything back now…..so much stuff and I didn’t even pull out the two soaps, shampoo, deodorant, and more make-up remover!!
Okay, one last little bottle here… hhhmmm……nice blue color to the liquid inside..see I am sensitive!! Finishing Oil…. That has just got to be something for my damn car. Maybe rub it on instead of Armour All or something? Nope..finishing oil is for after hair removal boys!!! That is just too funny…. I think we call it aftershave….. I wonder if yours stings like crazy or if it was you who made ours so it would sting!!
So that is my little adventure for the morning. Now I need to go workout to feel manly again!!! So off to the gym, if you do not hear from me for days…. I guess I didn’t get away in time.
web of hope
web of hope
The words they flow so freely.
Freely from your lips.
I had little choice but to be drawn.
Listening to your song.
I never thought I could go wrong.
You promised me the World.
Promised mea better life.
All I had to do was to let you.
And you would create better memories.
Memories of us forever.
Your words flow so freely.
Freely from your lips.
Saying just the right things.
Things I needed to hear.
I was down and you brought me back.
Brought me hope.
Spun your web right around me.
Before I knew it I was trapped.
Couldn’t get free.
Every move just getting me deeper.
Each word from your lips.
Rolled me further into the trap.
Your web of hope.
Caught me now, deep in the web.
Your web of hope.
I needed to have it all.
You promised it to me.
I fell for your words.
The promises of better tomorrows.
It all seemed so good.
It all seemed right.
Until, until I saw you in a different light.
I tried to get away, away from your web.
Your web of hope.
Caught me deep within.
Every word was laced with hope.
You were too good to be true.
Now here I am stuck with you.
Stuck your web.
Web of hope.
Now I am hopeless yet again.
Stuck in your web of lies.
All hope is lost.
In your web of hope.
The words they flow so freely.
Freely from your lips.
I had little choice but to be drawn.
Listening to your song.
I never thought I could go wrong.
You promised me the World.
Promised mea better life.
All I had to do was to let you.
And you would create better memories.
Memories of us forever.
Your words flow so freely.
Freely from your lips.
Saying just the right things.
Things I needed to hear.
I was down and you brought me back.
Brought me hope.
Spun your web right around me.
Before I knew it I was trapped.
Couldn’t get free.
Every move just getting me deeper.
Each word from your lips.
Rolled me further into the trap.
Your web of hope.
Caught me now, deep in the web.
Your web of hope.
I needed to have it all.
You promised it to me.
I fell for your words.
The promises of better tomorrows.
It all seemed so good.
It all seemed right.
Until, until I saw you in a different light.
I tried to get away, away from your web.
Your web of hope.
Caught me deep within.
Every word was laced with hope.
You were too good to be true.
Now here I am stuck with you.
Stuck your web.
Web of hope.
Now I am hopeless yet again.
Stuck in your web of lies.
All hope is lost.
In your web of hope.
We understood one another
We understood one another
An innocent look.
A beginning
We understood one another.
A talk on the phone.
A soothing voice.
We understood one another.
A walk in the park.
Such a beautiful night.
We understood one another.
A look in the eyes.
A soul just like mine.
We understood one another.
Walks and talks.
We understood one another.
It didn’t matter what.
It didn’t matter where.
It didn’t matter how.
It was just rare.
Yes what we had shared.
It was truly rare.
Words were not always needed.
A look would do too.
Between you and me.
It was often just simply understood.
Comfort came from deep within.
A connection so very true.
So very rare too.
One in a million?
One in a billion?
Who really knows?
For sure only once in alifetime.
You and me.
We understood one another.
An innocent look.
A beginning
We understood one another.
A talk on the phone.
A soothing voice.
We understood one another.
A walk in the park.
Such a beautiful night.
We understood one another.
A look in the eyes.
A soul just like mine.
We understood one another.
Walks and talks.
We understood one another.
It didn’t matter what.
It didn’t matter where.
It didn’t matter how.
It was just rare.
Yes what we had shared.
It was truly rare.
Words were not always needed.
A look would do too.
Between you and me.
It was often just simply understood.
Comfort came from deep within.
A connection so very true.
So very rare too.
One in a million?
One in a billion?
Who really knows?
For sure only once in alifetime.
You and me.
We understood one another.
Watch your Step!?!
Watch your Step!?!
Everyday we take thousands of steps and yet it is so rare that we think of any one step or a set of steps. We just take them in stride and they all work out. I know some of us stumble and trip or even fall. We get up and dust ourselves offs, starting walking again without any real thought given too it. There are so many days and so many steps with so few thoughts of placement. So many steps with no thoughts of the pace of each or the length of each step, we just keep going till we get to our destination. Then when it is time to go, it happens all over again. It is just part of life and seemingly effortless.
So my question is why make so many other things in life that should or could be as simple as a step so much more difficult. It often seems that simple things are more complicated and the placement of those steps is a challenge, a life altering challenge. We become timid, like walking through a mine field. Where do we step? How hard? We can see road blocks that we can’t easily walk past and begin to think about each and every step. Where do we place our feet? How hard? Before we know it we have become bogged down and the walk is down to a snails pace and then even slower. We just can’t keep the stride up and blow through the perceived minefield. We become so afraid of the misstep that we don’t step at all. We begin to take what should be easy and turn it into something difficult, like learning to walk all over. If we could find a way to trust and accept our own beliefs then we could walk with confidence right to our destination.
My battle with anxiety disorder turns me into someone walking through the mine field and someone who wants to inspect each rock at first, then each pebble, and then even each piece of sand that seems to be out of place around it. I need to know everything before I can move a muscle and begin to place my foot for that next precious step in the minefield. I believe I am heading towards safety but I never get there because I have lost the ability to trust any step. I have lost the ability to take a carefree stride. I am so sure that the end of the mine field keeps changing that I just do not give up the belief that I can actually get out of the mine field. Each step is painful and each step is so timid, so unsure that I barely am able to make progress. There are so many grains of sand to look at before making one step!!!
So how did I get myself out of the mine field and learn to walk again? How did I learn to make those strides and head toward my destination with vim and vigor? I will not tell you it was easy because it wasn’t easy for me. I battled and in fact I still have times and days or even a few days still where the battle slow down my pace as I again figure out the key to my pace, my steps. Then I just go and keep going until there is another bump. Some days maybe I am like the Tortoise from the Tortoise and the Hair stories. The point being that motion forward, steps forward will get me to my goal. If though I pause and begin to look at the rocks, or the pebbles, or the grains of sand that progress is more like ice melting in 33 degree air… slow..so slow and the progress is barely noticeable. So the key to constant steps and not slow painful ones is that you need to trust yourself. Look around you and you will see that others are moving in the same place as you without any hesitation. Same place, same field and yet they walk with a pace to a destination. See them and be them. Find that trust as you will not stumble or fall and you can certainly make it where they make it. You can!!! I did!! I am no different than you are and certainly no better. I am your equal and I made it. Trust me, believe me, take that first step after thinking your need to stop and look. Take it and see, you will be around to take the next step as you are only in your own personal mine field. So walk, trust yourself that is just does not exist because others around you are walking just fine without trouble. They do not fear a misstep to end their Worlds and neither should you. Take your own beautiful steps, the first ones are the hardest, just like when you were a baby, but they are the beginning of a lifetime of steps on your own. Your steps, your choice of placement and pace!!! You can do this, walk, be free!!! WALK!!!!!!!!!!!! NO NEED TO WATCH THOSE STEPS!!!
Everyday we take thousands of steps and yet it is so rare that we think of any one step or a set of steps. We just take them in stride and they all work out. I know some of us stumble and trip or even fall. We get up and dust ourselves offs, starting walking again without any real thought given too it. There are so many days and so many steps with so few thoughts of placement. So many steps with no thoughts of the pace of each or the length of each step, we just keep going till we get to our destination. Then when it is time to go, it happens all over again. It is just part of life and seemingly effortless.
So my question is why make so many other things in life that should or could be as simple as a step so much more difficult. It often seems that simple things are more complicated and the placement of those steps is a challenge, a life altering challenge. We become timid, like walking through a mine field. Where do we step? How hard? We can see road blocks that we can’t easily walk past and begin to think about each and every step. Where do we place our feet? How hard? Before we know it we have become bogged down and the walk is down to a snails pace and then even slower. We just can’t keep the stride up and blow through the perceived minefield. We become so afraid of the misstep that we don’t step at all. We begin to take what should be easy and turn it into something difficult, like learning to walk all over. If we could find a way to trust and accept our own beliefs then we could walk with confidence right to our destination.
My battle with anxiety disorder turns me into someone walking through the mine field and someone who wants to inspect each rock at first, then each pebble, and then even each piece of sand that seems to be out of place around it. I need to know everything before I can move a muscle and begin to place my foot for that next precious step in the minefield. I believe I am heading towards safety but I never get there because I have lost the ability to trust any step. I have lost the ability to take a carefree stride. I am so sure that the end of the mine field keeps changing that I just do not give up the belief that I can actually get out of the mine field. Each step is painful and each step is so timid, so unsure that I barely am able to make progress. There are so many grains of sand to look at before making one step!!!
So how did I get myself out of the mine field and learn to walk again? How did I learn to make those strides and head toward my destination with vim and vigor? I will not tell you it was easy because it wasn’t easy for me. I battled and in fact I still have times and days or even a few days still where the battle slow down my pace as I again figure out the key to my pace, my steps. Then I just go and keep going until there is another bump. Some days maybe I am like the Tortoise from the Tortoise and the Hair stories. The point being that motion forward, steps forward will get me to my goal. If though I pause and begin to look at the rocks, or the pebbles, or the grains of sand that progress is more like ice melting in 33 degree air… slow..so slow and the progress is barely noticeable. So the key to constant steps and not slow painful ones is that you need to trust yourself. Look around you and you will see that others are moving in the same place as you without any hesitation. Same place, same field and yet they walk with a pace to a destination. See them and be them. Find that trust as you will not stumble or fall and you can certainly make it where they make it. You can!!! I did!! I am no different than you are and certainly no better. I am your equal and I made it. Trust me, believe me, take that first step after thinking your need to stop and look. Take it and see, you will be around to take the next step as you are only in your own personal mine field. So walk, trust yourself that is just does not exist because others around you are walking just fine without trouble. They do not fear a misstep to end their Worlds and neither should you. Take your own beautiful steps, the first ones are the hardest, just like when you were a baby, but they are the beginning of a lifetime of steps on your own. Your steps, your choice of placement and pace!!! You can do this, walk, be free!!! WALK!!!!!!!!!!!! NO NEED TO WATCH THOSE STEPS!!!
Watch me
Watch me
I feel it in my bones. I feel it in my heart.
Every beat I get stronger.
Every moment I want to live longer.
I want it all don’t you see.
No settling for second best anymore.
I may have been down.
I may have been blue too.
Never count me out.
That was a mistake made by you.
I may have looked weak.
I may have looked fragile.
Appearances can fool you too.
I am more than you ever saw.
I am more than you will ever believe.
Deep within me is a man wanting to be great.
Struggling with my demons for now.
Don’t count me out cause I will rebound.
You will see how I will be soon.
A man with a plan to be great.
Making my own path through this life.
Not willing to be a follower.
Daring to be a leader.
Follow me cause I am heading for greatness.
Watch me grow to be a great man right before you.
I feel it in my bones. I feel it in my heart.
Every beat I get stronger.
Every moment I want to live longer.
I want it all don’t you see.
No settling for second best anymore.
I may have been down.
I may have been blue too.
Never count me out.
That was a mistake made by you.
I may have looked weak.
I may have looked fragile.
Appearances can fool you too.
I am more than you ever saw.
I am more than you will ever believe.
Deep within me is a man wanting to be great.
Struggling with my demons for now.
Don’t count me out cause I will rebound.
You will see how I will be soon.
A man with a plan to be great.
Making my own path through this life.
Not willing to be a follower.
Daring to be a leader.
Follow me cause I am heading for greatness.
Watch me grow to be a great man right before you.
Walking into the Dark.
Walking into the Dark.
You mystify me
You amaze me with your bravery.
You move forward
When others move back
What drives you one way?
When we all want to go the other way?
How can you walk into the darkness?
When we all seek the light?
Fear is part of the equation for me.
Fear is something you walk right on past.
I know I am not like you.
Not many are like you.
I am thankful.
Thankful for those like you.
They call you a firefighter.
I call you a Hero.
You mystify me
You amaze me with your bravery.
You move forward
When others move back
What drives you one way?
When we all want to go the other way?
How can you walk into the darkness?
When we all seek the light?
Fear is part of the equation for me.
Fear is something you walk right on past.
I know I am not like you.
Not many are like you.
I am thankful.
Thankful for those like you.
They call you a firefighter.
I call you a Hero.
Walk with me toward destiny
Walk with me toward destiny
We met and the day was fine.
I could not have wanted more.
Okay, so I could have
But not on that day.
Perfect as perfect can be.
A script from a movie for you and me.
Dreams only try to be this way.
Wow oh wow is all I can say.
Time passed too quick and it was the end of the day.
You go that way and I go this way.
When was the next time?
No, not soon enough.
A next time there would be.
For that we were certain.
The pull was too strong
To just be gone and be done
That would be just so wrong.
To be two ships passing in the night.
Would be failing fates delight.
We are drawn to each other for another.
Yes, we meet again.
I look in your eyes and see
A space, a place for me.
I know you will let me in
A hug that seems to make us as one.
But after all aren’t we destined to be one?
Can’t fight it and there is no denying it.
Just feel it and let it be the right one.
Perfect as perfect can be.
A script from a movie for you and me.
Dreams only try to be this way.
Wow oh wow is all I can say.
As you left again.
I watched you walk away
With a piece of me.
Inside of you.
Hooked by our souls
To be denied would be our fall
Your are my future
To hell with my past.
This is our script
One for the ages
One for all time
Walk with me toward destiny
We met and the day was fine.
I could not have wanted more.
Okay, so I could have
But not on that day.
Perfect as perfect can be.
A script from a movie for you and me.
Dreams only try to be this way.
Wow oh wow is all I can say.
Time passed too quick and it was the end of the day.
You go that way and I go this way.
When was the next time?
No, not soon enough.
A next time there would be.
For that we were certain.
The pull was too strong
To just be gone and be done
That would be just so wrong.
To be two ships passing in the night.
Would be failing fates delight.
We are drawn to each other for another.
Yes, we meet again.
I look in your eyes and see
A space, a place for me.
I know you will let me in
A hug that seems to make us as one.
But after all aren’t we destined to be one?
Can’t fight it and there is no denying it.
Just feel it and let it be the right one.
Perfect as perfect can be.
A script from a movie for you and me.
Dreams only try to be this way.
Wow oh wow is all I can say.
As you left again.
I watched you walk away
With a piece of me.
Inside of you.
Hooked by our souls
To be denied would be our fall
Your are my future
To hell with my past.
This is our script
One for the ages
One for all time
Walk with me toward destiny
Walk in his shoes.
Walk in his shoes.
When I was a little man
I used to look up at you big man.
Hey, that cool guy there..
Yup, right there, he is my Dad.
I wanted to be just like my Dad.
I wanted to wear his shoes.
I wanted to walk in his footsteps.
Just wanted to be like Dad.
He taught me all the important things in life.
He taught me to fish.
He taught me to tell jokes.
He taught me to hunt too.
Yup, my Dad, he taught me a lot.
I learned to drive.
He taught me to race.
He passed his knowledge to me.
No holding back from Dad.
He just showed us all the way.
I followed till I got older.
Then wanted to walk in my own shoes.
That was okay with Dad too.
He sat back and watched me go.
Knowing in the end that I would be right back there.
Looking to him for the answers I couldn’t find out there.
Overtime I grew to be a man.
I could tell he was proud even if I didn’t walk in his shoes.
Dad grew ill and passed one day.
I always think of Dad no matter what I do.
Hunting, fishing, racing, or even just being a Dad too.
It seems that after all I do walk in his shoes.
When I was a little man
I used to look up at you big man.
Hey, that cool guy there..
Yup, right there, he is my Dad.
I wanted to be just like my Dad.
I wanted to wear his shoes.
I wanted to walk in his footsteps.
Just wanted to be like Dad.
He taught me all the important things in life.
He taught me to fish.
He taught me to tell jokes.
He taught me to hunt too.
Yup, my Dad, he taught me a lot.
I learned to drive.
He taught me to race.
He passed his knowledge to me.
No holding back from Dad.
He just showed us all the way.
I followed till I got older.
Then wanted to walk in my own shoes.
That was okay with Dad too.
He sat back and watched me go.
Knowing in the end that I would be right back there.
Looking to him for the answers I couldn’t find out there.
Overtime I grew to be a man.
I could tell he was proud even if I didn’t walk in his shoes.
Dad grew ill and passed one day.
I always think of Dad no matter what I do.
Hunting, fishing, racing, or even just being a Dad too.
It seems that after all I do walk in his shoes.
The View
The View
I wobbled, I stumbled.
You caught me off guard.
Walls down and clear path. I let you in.
Nothing to stop the shot that hit my heart.
It hit me hard, harder than I thought.
Not unexpected but still stinging.
Took my breath away for an instant.
When I was ready to play you just walked away.
I didn’t fall even though you clocked me good.
My knees buckled and I shoulda fell to the ground.
I had always done so before, ah but not this time.
This time though something else kicked in.
A fight I seem to have forgotten I had within me.
Arose from within, I didn’t fall but instead forged ahead.
Humbled I was for sure.
Inside alive and ready to fight on, so that is just what I did.
No time to step back and watch.
Cause the World goes on no matter what.
If I fall, it goes by just the same and I lay just watching.
This time though, things blurred but I didn’t go down.
I did what I set out to do with you.
Climb up and away on that very day.
To enjoy the view but not with you.
Alone on top but enjoying the view on my own.
I love the view from above.
Working harder to make it up.
Even when I feel like not going up.
I did and I will again.
For now I know that I can be wobbled.
I can stumble and bumble all I want.
In the end, I have the strength to go on all night.
To the top where I can enjoy the view, it makes it all seem right.
I wobbled, I stumbled.
You caught me off guard.
Walls down and clear path. I let you in.
Nothing to stop the shot that hit my heart.
It hit me hard, harder than I thought.
Not unexpected but still stinging.
Took my breath away for an instant.
When I was ready to play you just walked away.
I didn’t fall even though you clocked me good.
My knees buckled and I shoulda fell to the ground.
I had always done so before, ah but not this time.
This time though something else kicked in.
A fight I seem to have forgotten I had within me.
Arose from within, I didn’t fall but instead forged ahead.
Humbled I was for sure.
Inside alive and ready to fight on, so that is just what I did.
No time to step back and watch.
Cause the World goes on no matter what.
If I fall, it goes by just the same and I lay just watching.
This time though, things blurred but I didn’t go down.
I did what I set out to do with you.
Climb up and away on that very day.
To enjoy the view but not with you.
Alone on top but enjoying the view on my own.
I love the view from above.
Working harder to make it up.
Even when I feel like not going up.
I did and I will again.
For now I know that I can be wobbled.
I can stumble and bumble all I want.
In the end, I have the strength to go on all night.
To the top where I can enjoy the view, it makes it all seem right.
up is down?
up is down?
Where did I go wrong?
Cause everything just seems so off now.
Up is down, down is up.
Left is right and right is left.
Somewhere I got spun around.
Or maybe spun right upside down?
I just don’t where I am headed
I lost my direction.
Should I go this way?
Or maybe it is that way?
No that doesn’t seem right.
I just go someway.
Up is down, down is up.
Left is right and right is left.
Somewhere I got spun around.
Or maybe spun right upside down?
Where to go? Which way?
Tell me, point me, somewhere?
I am lost in direction.
Not sure how to right the ship.
Up and down!!
Down and Up
Spinning round and round.
So dizzy from going round.
Up is down, down is up.
Left is right and right is left.
Somewhere I got spun around.
Or maybe spun right upside down?
Where did I go wrong?
Cause everything just seems so off now.
Up is down, down is up.
Left is right and right is left.
Somewhere I got spun around.
Or maybe spun right upside down?
I just don’t where I am headed
I lost my direction.
Should I go this way?
Or maybe it is that way?
No that doesn’t seem right.
I just go someway.
Up is down, down is up.
Left is right and right is left.
Somewhere I got spun around.
Or maybe spun right upside down?
Where to go? Which way?
Tell me, point me, somewhere?
I am lost in direction.
Not sure how to right the ship.
Up and down!!
Down and Up
Spinning round and round.
So dizzy from going round.
Up is down, down is up.
Left is right and right is left.
Somewhere I got spun around.
Or maybe spun right upside down?
down
Down
I am struggling.
I am falling.
I am breaking.
Down on myself.
Down life.
Down to my last straw.
Where are you?
Nowhere to be found.
So quickly you turned away.
I never should have expected you to stay.
You just turned and walked away.
When I was up you were around.
Now you can’t be found.
I am struggling.
I am falling.
I am breaking.
Down on myself.
Down life.
Down to my last straw.
Where are you?
Nowhere to be found.
So quickly you turned away.
I never should have expected you to stay.
You just turned and walked away.
When I was up you were around.
Now you can’t be found.
Untitled
Untitled
BEEP……BEEP…..BEEP……sounded the alarm clock and eventually Brian turned and hit the snooze button. He wanted that extra few minutes of sleep before starting his day. Too soon it went off again and he reached over onto the night stand, slid the button to off even though he wished to hit snooze. It was 6:10am and he was starting his day off on the wrong foot by getting up late. He didn’t hit snooze often but this was one of those rare occasions. He slid the sheets back and slowly slid his feet to the floor. There was a chill in the air as fall was nearing. He always slept with the window atleast cracked, even in the winter but the room felt unusually cool to him this morning. He stood and stretched his arms touching the ceiling above as he stood on his tip toes. It felt good to stretch and he decided to walk over to the window and see what the day had in store for weather. He looked through the screen and smelled the freshness of the air. He breathed in deeply to fill his lungs with the air. As he let it out he noticed his neighbor in her window and he felt the urge to turn away before she saw him but did not listen to the urge. He let his fore arms rest on the window sill. She was a beautiful girl but rough on the edges and had a hard life from what little he knew. They had talked a little here and there but it had never gone anywhere as he just was not that interested in adding baggage to his life. It was full enough for him and he still had dreams to achieve before adding a woman to the mix, atleast anything serious. He started to daydream as his eyes lost focus while gazing out the window. He was brought back into the real World by screams coming from the direction of his neighbor’s apartment. His eyes snapped back to focus and where met with a man’s in the window he was transfixed on during his daze. The man was holding his neighbor from behind and had a knife to her throat. As their eyes locked on one another the knife slid through her throat and the screaming stopped as she slumped in his arms and then he let her fall to the floor. Brian was frozen with disbelief as he got the chills now from fear and not the cool air. He turned from the window in shock and disbelief, not sure what he saw. Was it real? No, it couldn’t have been real. He must have imagined it or something. No, he knew it was real and went to pick up the phone. He grabbed it and began t punch the numbers 9-1-1 but as he struck the first 1 there was aloud banging on his door. He tried to ignore it but it was only getting louder and more forceful. He pushed the final 1 and the phone began to ring… ring..ring..ring… 9-1-1- emergency..what is your emer…. THE DOOR Crashed open with a loud bang!!! The man who’s eyes he just locked with was now in his apartment and heading for him quickly. He turned and headed for the bedroom but stumbled as he turned and the phone went flying….. crashing to the floor and sliding into the wall. He continued to the bed room and slammed the door just as the man was about to reach it. “Get your ass out here now!!! We need to talk this over and come to an understanding!!” the man yelled as he pounded on the bedroom door. Brian was opening the screen and heading onto the fire escape as if there was a fire inside!! The man slammed his shoulder into the door until it gave from his strength. Once in it took him only seconds to see the open window and figure out that this guy was already gone. It didn’t matter as he would find him and make sure he kept quiet. Too much was on the line to just hope that the guy wouldn’t be able to identify him. He heard a mumbling and saw the phone on the floor. He picked it up and said “hello”… The response was not as he had hoped….. “sir..are you okay? We have PD in route, please stay on the line..” click as he pushed the disconnect button before throwing the phone against the wall as hard as he could. It shattered upon impact!! He knew he only had moments now to get the hell out of the area and blend in with the little life that was around so early in the morning. He looked around quickly and grabbed a photograph of the guy and some others…. Looked a little more….on the coffee table was mail and he grabbed a few pieces, he shoved it all inside his coat and zippered it up as he headed out the door. No neighbors where in the halls but he kept his head down just the same as headed for the stairs. Down and out…. He turned the corner towards his car as the sirens were drawing nearer.
The officers entered the building cautiously and slowly made their way to the apartment. As they closed in they saw shoe prints that were made from blood heading the same way that they were down the hall towards apartment #201. The door was open and they announced themselves before slowly entering the apartment. As they looked around they did not see anyone in the apartment. The officers looked around and saw the smashed phone on the floor and the blood trail that ended in the living room. In the bedroom the screen was open and it led to a fire escape. They called back to the station for detectives to come to the seen as it was now above just a regular call and they could do little more but search back to where the bloody shoe trail came from and see if everyone was okay in that direction. The officers followed the trail down the dimly lit hallway and then around the corner and down the parallel wing of the complex. The trail became more pronounced as they headed in this direction but still there were only one set of shoes making the trail. It led to a door that was closed. They knocked and knocked on the door announcing they were police officers. They tried to enter but it was locked and the decision to enter was a tough one but they could not as the trail led away and they had found nobody needing help. It would be the detectives call they decided and a warrant would likely be needed which again would go above their pay grade. No reasonable proof that someone was in fact injured in the apartment as the trail led away and not in. So they secured the area for the detectives.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
PART 2
Brian had made it to his car which was parked on the street just around the corner and not far from the apartment complex. He had run from the fire escape to the alley and cut to the street where his car was as quick as he could run. He fumbled with the keys as he tried to open the door and dropped them. He heard the sirens coming and looked around him for the man he figured would be right on his tail. He didn’t see him or anyone around and decided he could just go back and tell them what he had seen from his apartment window. He did not see the guy and figured he was long gone now that the sirens were growing closer. There was no chance that this guy would stick around so Brian picked up his keys and began to walk back. He thought about walking back on the sidewalk to the front of the building as the alley wasn’t exactly the best lit place and maybe this guy had decided to hide there for some reason. He really didn’t want to walk all the way around though and decided he was just being overly cautious as he turned towards the alley.
Detective Ed Martinez was enjoying a coffee at his apartment when the call came that he was needed across town. He was a 30 year veteran of the force and had been a detective for 22 of those years. He was nearing the end of his career and was thankful for everyday that ticked off of the clock that he went home safe. His days of taking chances were behind him now and he did things by the book and made sure to cross his T’s and dot his I’s. He just wanted to get to the end and retire. That retirement was only a month away and now so he could almost taste it. A great pension and he would be off on his boat. Fishing and drinking was the plan. He had bought the boat instead of a house not long ago as he planned to live a life of leisure to the end of his days. His dream was to travel from port to port until he found one that he could not pry himself from and that would be home. He had never married and didn’t have any children as he was dedicated to his career and decided long ago he did not want anyone to worry about him while he was out taking the chances that he used to take back in the day. Now he would find a woman and maybe adopt a child but that part of his life was not planned as much as hoped. He just wanted to make it to the day and get on the boat. Soon he told himself as he pulled on his jacket and headed out the door towards what seemed like a fairly simple call across town.
Coming out of the alley he saw Brian headed towards him and paused in the shadows. This just might play out nicely after all. He had parked his car in the back of the building to not be seen on that same street if he could at all help it and planned to just slink away after taking care of Melanie and all the trouble she was causing him at home and at work. He didn’t want to kill her but she just didn’t seem to know how to let go. He could not allow her to derail his nice new family and his recent promotion at work. He did what he needed to do and now just needed to shut this guy up!!
Brian walked into the alley with a racing heart as his gut was telling him not to do it but his macho male side told him to stop being a wimp and keep on going. He did just that until he was knocked into the wall of the brick building by what felt like a truck. He turned as the man grabbed him. Brian’s heart sunk as their eyes met for the second time that morning. Brian did not realize how big the guy was until now and it added to the intimidation greatly. This guy was really a big man with muscles upon muscles. He lifted Brian off of the ground and looked him in the eyes as he said “Look here Brian Lupal!!! You need to forget what you saw this morning!! If you do not, you will be next. If you forget it then you live!!! Shake your head if you understand!!” Brian had no choice but to shake his head in agreement. The hulking man lowered Brian to the ground but did not let go of him. He shook him and told him “Now get out of here and do not come back. Disappear!! You understand me. If they get a hold of you…. You were out of town and saw nothing. Nothing!!!” Brian shook his head in agreement as the hand let go of his shirt. The man pointed back out of the alley towards the direction Brian had come and pushed Brian in that direction. They both headed that way and Brian wanted to run but wasn’t sure that was the smart move so he just walked with this man not far behind him. He got to his car and got in as quickly as he could and this time he did not drop his keys. He looked but the man was gone. Brian put his head down and tried to gather his thoughts for just a moment. Then he put his keys in the ignition, started the car, and went off towards his brother’s house on the other side of town.
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Part 3
He watched Brian pull away from his parking spot and then turned towards his own car. The sirens were very near now and it would only be moments before they were right out front on the other side of the building from him. He opened his trunk and picked up his cell phone and saw that he had a couple new messages. He decided to change his shoes first as he knew there was likely some blood on them and it would be best to not be wearing them. So he switched shoes and then decided to check his cell messages as he closed the trunk and entered the car. He sat and got himself comfortable as the phone retrieved the messages. The first was from his wife telling him that she loved him and that work was looking for him. She said they wanted him to call in but that was not unusual. He deleted the message and up came the next message, it was Maria and it sent chills up his spine as she lay dead only inside that building and he had done it. Now the guilt was slowly creeping in but then the message slowly turned the guilt into anger as she threatened to tell his wife and his work if he did not keep taking care of her. She reminded him it would not be easy to get her out of his life. He smiled when he heard that as he had already done so and it was pretty damn easy. She didn’t suspect it and didn’t put up a fight. The only problem was this Brian Lupal but he was confident he had scared the guy enough. He would have to scare him though again to drive home the point and truly get the idea in his head. He was sure he wouldn’t leave for good and figured another visit may help that actually play out. He needed to control this one piece and then it would all be fine again. Life would be back to normal, which meant it was in his control. He needed that and would have it again. The third message came up and it was work calling for him. He was to report to a call on Franklin Street and meet Detective Martinez on scene. He smiled as he could not believe his good fortune and quickly turned the starter and pulled out from the curb to head to the front of the building where the rest of the cars would be parked. He turned a couple of corners and was there in front of the building. He had to pretend to not know what was going on and to let it play out. He would guide things if they needed to be guided but this would also give him the inside information to keep Brian in check.
Detective Martinez had only arrived a few moments before he saw the car of Detective Vinney Cabrera pull up behind his vehicle. He did not really like the young hot shot but he had no choice about who command assigned to him and had been told that they thought he would be a good influence on the younger detective. He didn’t like the kids style but also thought that maybe it was because the kid was a bit like him in his younger days. Not always playing by the rules and thinking that you had the World in your hands. That you were untouchable and that everyone should fear the ground you walk on. He chuckled to himself as he remembered those days and just how close he had come to stepping on the wrong side of the line. He hoped this kid wouldn’t be anywhere near the line. He just wasn’t sure he could avoid the pitfalls and temptations out there to be bribed or to look the other way. To set up your own deals in the neighborhoods. Ed knew it was inviting as he had been offered so many different things over the years and likely could have gotten away with it too. He would have been set for life now and his dreams would not be tied to a pension from the city either. He thought hard about it bit had decided long ago that the only steps he would take on the other side of the line were to bring those who crossed it back over to the right side before IAD got a hold of them. He believed that you became an officer with good intentions and that even if you strayed that you would look for a way back if you could get there. He had made it part of his life to cross and bring guys back. It had been dangerous and it had played in the decision to not have a family waiting for him. He could not ask them to have to live in fear of him not coming home or of someone out for revenge. He just hoped that this young gun didn’t get caught up in it as he had a nice family and it could all be gone before you knew what happened. He hoped he could steer him straight and narrow.
Detective Cabrera extended his hand to Detective Martinez and gave it a firm hardy shake. They exchanged a little chit chat about home life and the scores form last nights games before getting into the information about the call. Vinney let Ed guide the conversation as it would help ease things and not make him seem to anxious either. The two detectives headed towards the building.
Brian was racing across town in his black Honda Civic and was not paying as much attention as he should have been to the road. He went through a red light and quickly saw blue lights behind him. He pounded the steering wheel as he just wanted to get away from there, as far away as possible. His brother’s home was not too far away. He wanted to talk it over with him. He needed some advice from someone. He pulled his car to the curb and the police cruiser pulled in behind him.
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Part 4
As they entered the building Vinney let Ed lead the way as to not show any indication he knew which way to go to either apartment. As they headed down the hall the bloody shoe prints were pointed out to them by an Officer. Vinney’s heart began to race as he knew he had made a mistake by leaving the trail and he only hoped his feet were somewhat close to the size of Brian’s. Ed asked the Officer to call forensics to come and get photographs plus take samples. When they got to the apartment door they stopped to look at the door itself which had been damaged. Vinney quickly suggested that it looked like it had been pushed in but the door looked weak and just about anyone could have probably pushed it in. He wanted to shape this and add any little piece of information that he could to separate him from the pack if he could do so without raising suspicion. He had the knife with him and hoped to be able to drop it here somewhere unseen. Then he could “find it” and pull it from its place forgetting to be careful with it. Thus contaminating it with his prints!!! He knew this would lead them to the other apartment and to be able to get inside of it. He thought it was better if he was there and could maybe rearrange anything that needed to be changed to benefit him. Detective Martinez was on his cell phone with the crime scene unit trying to get them here sooner because of the blood evidence that he did not want to degrade anymore than it needed to just incase it turned out to be important. He was making his way towards the shattered phone. This seemed like a great time to Vinney as he headed into the bedroom and around to the side of the bed closest to the fire escape. He looked back towards the door as he slipped the knife between the mattress and frame but left the handle sticking out. It was a big butcher knife he had grabbed while in the apartment as his plan to shoot her just didn’t seem safe but now it would have been the better of his choices as he could have done what he could to make it quiet and be long gone before anyone saw him. It didn’t work out that way and now he would make it work out this way. He was confident in the outcome of this scenario as well. He would frame the kid and then he would either be on the run or be in prison. If the opportunity presented itself he would shoot him and say he pulled a gun or was reaching for something. It would work and he was confident in that. He could out think this old Detective he had to deal with and if not he would figure something out. Everything had a solution in Vinney’s eyes. Vinney hollered for Ed to come into the bedroom and see what he found. As Ed entered Vinney grabbed the knife from the spot he had placed it with his uncovered hand. Ed yelled “No, don’t touch it like that!!! Vinney, you must no better than that!!” Vinney looked at Ed with a quizzical look and shrugged his shoulders. He apologized to Ed and it was quickly dismissed as a rookie error even though Ed was not sure how he could not know that very fundamental rule. Vinney dropped the knife onto the bed and Ed noticed a cut on his finger. “Hey, did you just cut yourself when you grabbed that? You have to be careful. That looks like it might need stitches.” Inside Vinney smiled as he responded, “I guess I did… geez..that is one sharp knife. I will get this looked at later. When we are done here. I will be careful to not get blood everywhere, I promise.” Ed did not like this carelessness but the bosses had told him to teach the kid so he would try and do just that, teach him. He told him to go to the car and bandage it up before they continued the investigation.
The Officer approached Brian’s car with a confident walk as he rolled down his window. “Sir, Do you know why I pulled you over?” the Officer inquired and Brian just nodded. “Sir, would you like to tell me why you went through the light?” Brian wanted to tell him what he had just seen but decided he wouldn’t do that just yet. It would be better to get his brother’s opinion. “Alright then, license and registration.” Brian handed the items over and knew a ticket was coming for sure. He had no record and had never even received a ticket before. The Officer finished his work in the patrol car and then came back towards the car. “Sir, here is a ticket. If you had been honest I would likely have just given you a warning considering your clean record. Please pay attention to the road and drive safely.” The Officer handed him his license and registration back before turning to head back to his cruiser. Brian was relieved that he was able to get out of there and didn’t care about the ticket. His life matter more to him than this little ticket did to him. He slowly pulled from the curb and concentrated on his driving in hopes of blocking out the other thoughts that were racing through his mind. He drove cautiously towards his brother’s home.
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Part 5
Vinney made his way to the car and opened the trunk to access the first aid kit that was in each and every car owned by the department. He opened it up and slowly looked through the contents trying to figure out what would work to cover the cut but not keep him from dropping a little of his blood here or there if he needed to do so to explain anything. He thought it would be a good idea to have some of his blood in the apartment they were going to next and where they would find a dead woman. It would make it impossible to pin this on him in the end and he knew smirked at just how smart he was. He picked a bandage that covered the cut but was easy for him to move as well to access the open wound. He shut his trunk and headed back towards the building.
Ed was still furious inside at the stupidity of this kid and just did not truly believe he was that stupid. Everyone knew not to handle evidence with your bare hands. It was on every TV show that involved crime. The kid was cocky and arrogant but he was not stupid. Ed wondered why he had been so careless but decided that maybe just this time the kid was that stupid and tried to let it go. He had a situation here that just did not add up to the puzzle before him and he knew there were more pieces that he needed. Where did the foot prints come from and was the person who made them hurt? Being chased? Was anyone in this apartment? What about the other apartment? So many questions still needed to be answered to help figure out this puzzle. He decided the next step was to enter the other apartment and see what clues could be gained from that while the CSI crew worked on this apartment for any more clues it could yield.
Brian arrived in front of his brother’s home and pulled his car to the side of the road but did not get out. He wanted to but also was having second thoughts about getting his family involved. He was thinking maybe he could just be quiet and go on with his life as if nothing had happened. Could he just ignore what he saw and go forward? Would that man really come after him or was he long gone too? Should he just go to the police? He didn’t know but didn’t want to get his family involved either and decided to just head somewhere to think for a few hours atleast to gain some perspective. He pulled away from the curb and headed down the road.
Ed was waiting for Vinney as he entered the building. Ed asked Vinney if he was fine and ready to go to the next apartment. Ed looked at Vinney’s hand and then told him to be damn careful with that as he could contaminate the whole scene if he wasn’t careful. Vinney apologized to Ed for his foolishness and made sure Ed knew he wouldn’t do it again. He had to get Ed to believe that he wouldn’t anyways. He knew if he contaminated the crime scene then the case would be junk as nobody would suspect him and he now had Ed to back him up on cutting his hand at the scene which would explain his blood everywhere. Now it was time to go and make sure he had left nothing else in her apartment. Finish this scene and then just worry about Brian and if needed he would take care of him as well.
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Part 6
BEEP……BEEP…..BEEP……sounded the alarm clock and eventually Brian turned and hit the snooze button. He wanted that extra few minutes of sleep before starting his day. Too soon it went off again and he reached over onto the night stand, slid the button to off even though he wished to hit snooze. It was 6:10am and he was starting his day off on the wrong foot by getting up late. He didn’t hit snooze often but this was one of those rare occasions. He slid the sheets back and slowly slid his feet to the floor. There was a chill in the air as fall was nearing. He always slept with the window atleast cracked, even in the winter but the room felt unusually cool to him this morning. He stood and stretched his arms touching the ceiling above as he stood on his tip toes. It felt good to stretch and he decided to walk over to the window and see what the day had in store for weather. He looked through the screen and smelled the freshness of the air. He breathed in deeply to fill his lungs with the air. As he let it out he noticed his neighbor in her window and he felt the urge to turn away before she saw him but did not listen to the urge. He let his fore arms rest on the window sill. She was a beautiful girl but rough on the edges and had a hard life from what little he knew. They had talked a little here and there but it had never gone anywhere as he just was not that interested in adding baggage to his life. It was full enough for him and he still had dreams to achieve before adding a woman to the mix, atleast anything serious. He started to daydream as his eyes lost focus while gazing out the window. He was brought back into the real World by screams coming from the direction of his neighbor’s apartment. His eyes snapped back to focus and where met with a man’s in the window he was transfixed on during his daze. The man was holding his neighbor from behind and had a knife to her throat. As their eyes locked on one another the knife slid through her throat and the screaming stopped as she slumped in his arms and then he let her fall to the floor. Brian was frozen with disbelief as he got the chills now from fear and not the cool air. He turned from the window in shock and disbelief, not sure what he saw. Was it real? No, it couldn’t have been real. He must have imagined it or something. No, he knew it was real and went to pick up the phone. He grabbed it and began t punch the numbers 9-1-1 but as he struck the first 1 there was aloud banging on his door. He tried to ignore it but it was only getting louder and more forceful. He pushed the final 1 and the phone began to ring… ring..ring..ring… 9-1-1- emergency..what is your emer…. THE DOOR Crashed open with a loud bang!!! The man who’s eyes he just locked with was now in his apartment and heading for him quickly. He turned and headed for the bedroom but stumbled as he turned and the phone went flying….. crashing to the floor and sliding into the wall. He continued to the bed room and slammed the door just as the man was about to reach it. “Get your ass out here now!!! We need to talk this over and come to an understanding!!” the man yelled as he pounded on the bedroom door. Brian was opening the screen and heading onto the fire escape as if there was a fire inside!! The man slammed his shoulder into the door until it gave from his strength. Once in it took him only seconds to see the open window and figure out that this guy was already gone. It didn’t matter as he would find him and make sure he kept quiet. Too much was on the line to just hope that the guy wouldn’t be able to identify him. He heard a mumbling and saw the phone on the floor. He picked it up and said “hello”… The response was not as he had hoped….. “sir..are you okay? We have PD in route, please stay on the line..” click as he pushed the disconnect button before throwing the phone against the wall as hard as he could. It shattered upon impact!! He knew he only had moments now to get the hell out of the area and blend in with the little life that was around so early in the morning. He looked around quickly and grabbed a photograph of the guy and some others…. Looked a little more….on the coffee table was mail and he grabbed a few pieces, he shoved it all inside his coat and zippered it up as he headed out the door. No neighbors where in the halls but he kept his head down just the same as headed for the stairs. Down and out…. He turned the corner towards his car as the sirens were drawing nearer.
The officers entered the building cautiously and slowly made their way to the apartment. As they closed in they saw shoe prints that were made from blood heading the same way that they were down the hall towards apartment #201. The door was open and they announced themselves before slowly entering the apartment. As they looked around they did not see anyone in the apartment. The officers looked around and saw the smashed phone on the floor and the blood trail that ended in the living room. In the bedroom the screen was open and it led to a fire escape. They called back to the station for detectives to come to the seen as it was now above just a regular call and they could do little more but search back to where the bloody shoe trail came from and see if everyone was okay in that direction. The officers followed the trail down the dimly lit hallway and then around the corner and down the parallel wing of the complex. The trail became more pronounced as they headed in this direction but still there were only one set of shoes making the trail. It led to a door that was closed. They knocked and knocked on the door announcing they were police officers. They tried to enter but it was locked and the decision to enter was a tough one but they could not as the trail led away and they had found nobody needing help. It would be the detectives call they decided and a warrant would likely be needed which again would go above their pay grade. No reasonable proof that someone was in fact injured in the apartment as the trail led away and not in. So they secured the area for the detectives.
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PART 2
Brian had made it to his car which was parked on the street just around the corner and not far from the apartment complex. He had run from the fire escape to the alley and cut to the street where his car was as quick as he could run. He fumbled with the keys as he tried to open the door and dropped them. He heard the sirens coming and looked around him for the man he figured would be right on his tail. He didn’t see him or anyone around and decided he could just go back and tell them what he had seen from his apartment window. He did not see the guy and figured he was long gone now that the sirens were growing closer. There was no chance that this guy would stick around so Brian picked up his keys and began to walk back. He thought about walking back on the sidewalk to the front of the building as the alley wasn’t exactly the best lit place and maybe this guy had decided to hide there for some reason. He really didn’t want to walk all the way around though and decided he was just being overly cautious as he turned towards the alley.
Detective Ed Martinez was enjoying a coffee at his apartment when the call came that he was needed across town. He was a 30 year veteran of the force and had been a detective for 22 of those years. He was nearing the end of his career and was thankful for everyday that ticked off of the clock that he went home safe. His days of taking chances were behind him now and he did things by the book and made sure to cross his T’s and dot his I’s. He just wanted to get to the end and retire. That retirement was only a month away and now so he could almost taste it. A great pension and he would be off on his boat. Fishing and drinking was the plan. He had bought the boat instead of a house not long ago as he planned to live a life of leisure to the end of his days. His dream was to travel from port to port until he found one that he could not pry himself from and that would be home. He had never married and didn’t have any children as he was dedicated to his career and decided long ago he did not want anyone to worry about him while he was out taking the chances that he used to take back in the day. Now he would find a woman and maybe adopt a child but that part of his life was not planned as much as hoped. He just wanted to make it to the day and get on the boat. Soon he told himself as he pulled on his jacket and headed out the door towards what seemed like a fairly simple call across town.
Coming out of the alley he saw Brian headed towards him and paused in the shadows. This just might play out nicely after all. He had parked his car in the back of the building to not be seen on that same street if he could at all help it and planned to just slink away after taking care of Melanie and all the trouble she was causing him at home and at work. He didn’t want to kill her but she just didn’t seem to know how to let go. He could not allow her to derail his nice new family and his recent promotion at work. He did what he needed to do and now just needed to shut this guy up!!
Brian walked into the alley with a racing heart as his gut was telling him not to do it but his macho male side told him to stop being a wimp and keep on going. He did just that until he was knocked into the wall of the brick building by what felt like a truck. He turned as the man grabbed him. Brian’s heart sunk as their eyes met for the second time that morning. Brian did not realize how big the guy was until now and it added to the intimidation greatly. This guy was really a big man with muscles upon muscles. He lifted Brian off of the ground and looked him in the eyes as he said “Look here Brian Lupal!!! You need to forget what you saw this morning!! If you do not, you will be next. If you forget it then you live!!! Shake your head if you understand!!” Brian had no choice but to shake his head in agreement. The hulking man lowered Brian to the ground but did not let go of him. He shook him and told him “Now get out of here and do not come back. Disappear!! You understand me. If they get a hold of you…. You were out of town and saw nothing. Nothing!!!” Brian shook his head in agreement as the hand let go of his shirt. The man pointed back out of the alley towards the direction Brian had come and pushed Brian in that direction. They both headed that way and Brian wanted to run but wasn’t sure that was the smart move so he just walked with this man not far behind him. He got to his car and got in as quickly as he could and this time he did not drop his keys. He looked but the man was gone. Brian put his head down and tried to gather his thoughts for just a moment. Then he put his keys in the ignition, started the car, and went off towards his brother’s house on the other side of town.
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Part 3
He watched Brian pull away from his parking spot and then turned towards his own car. The sirens were very near now and it would only be moments before they were right out front on the other side of the building from him. He opened his trunk and picked up his cell phone and saw that he had a couple new messages. He decided to change his shoes first as he knew there was likely some blood on them and it would be best to not be wearing them. So he switched shoes and then decided to check his cell messages as he closed the trunk and entered the car. He sat and got himself comfortable as the phone retrieved the messages. The first was from his wife telling him that she loved him and that work was looking for him. She said they wanted him to call in but that was not unusual. He deleted the message and up came the next message, it was Maria and it sent chills up his spine as she lay dead only inside that building and he had done it. Now the guilt was slowly creeping in but then the message slowly turned the guilt into anger as she threatened to tell his wife and his work if he did not keep taking care of her. She reminded him it would not be easy to get her out of his life. He smiled when he heard that as he had already done so and it was pretty damn easy. She didn’t suspect it and didn’t put up a fight. The only problem was this Brian Lupal but he was confident he had scared the guy enough. He would have to scare him though again to drive home the point and truly get the idea in his head. He was sure he wouldn’t leave for good and figured another visit may help that actually play out. He needed to control this one piece and then it would all be fine again. Life would be back to normal, which meant it was in his control. He needed that and would have it again. The third message came up and it was work calling for him. He was to report to a call on Franklin Street and meet Detective Martinez on scene. He smiled as he could not believe his good fortune and quickly turned the starter and pulled out from the curb to head to the front of the building where the rest of the cars would be parked. He turned a couple of corners and was there in front of the building. He had to pretend to not know what was going on and to let it play out. He would guide things if they needed to be guided but this would also give him the inside information to keep Brian in check.
Detective Martinez had only arrived a few moments before he saw the car of Detective Vinney Cabrera pull up behind his vehicle. He did not really like the young hot shot but he had no choice about who command assigned to him and had been told that they thought he would be a good influence on the younger detective. He didn’t like the kids style but also thought that maybe it was because the kid was a bit like him in his younger days. Not always playing by the rules and thinking that you had the World in your hands. That you were untouchable and that everyone should fear the ground you walk on. He chuckled to himself as he remembered those days and just how close he had come to stepping on the wrong side of the line. He hoped this kid wouldn’t be anywhere near the line. He just wasn’t sure he could avoid the pitfalls and temptations out there to be bribed or to look the other way. To set up your own deals in the neighborhoods. Ed knew it was inviting as he had been offered so many different things over the years and likely could have gotten away with it too. He would have been set for life now and his dreams would not be tied to a pension from the city either. He thought hard about it bit had decided long ago that the only steps he would take on the other side of the line were to bring those who crossed it back over to the right side before IAD got a hold of them. He believed that you became an officer with good intentions and that even if you strayed that you would look for a way back if you could get there. He had made it part of his life to cross and bring guys back. It had been dangerous and it had played in the decision to not have a family waiting for him. He could not ask them to have to live in fear of him not coming home or of someone out for revenge. He just hoped that this young gun didn’t get caught up in it as he had a nice family and it could all be gone before you knew what happened. He hoped he could steer him straight and narrow.
Detective Cabrera extended his hand to Detective Martinez and gave it a firm hardy shake. They exchanged a little chit chat about home life and the scores form last nights games before getting into the information about the call. Vinney let Ed guide the conversation as it would help ease things and not make him seem to anxious either. The two detectives headed towards the building.
Brian was racing across town in his black Honda Civic and was not paying as much attention as he should have been to the road. He went through a red light and quickly saw blue lights behind him. He pounded the steering wheel as he just wanted to get away from there, as far away as possible. His brother’s home was not too far away. He wanted to talk it over with him. He needed some advice from someone. He pulled his car to the curb and the police cruiser pulled in behind him.
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Part 4
As they entered the building Vinney let Ed lead the way as to not show any indication he knew which way to go to either apartment. As they headed down the hall the bloody shoe prints were pointed out to them by an Officer. Vinney’s heart began to race as he knew he had made a mistake by leaving the trail and he only hoped his feet were somewhat close to the size of Brian’s. Ed asked the Officer to call forensics to come and get photographs plus take samples. When they got to the apartment door they stopped to look at the door itself which had been damaged. Vinney quickly suggested that it looked like it had been pushed in but the door looked weak and just about anyone could have probably pushed it in. He wanted to shape this and add any little piece of information that he could to separate him from the pack if he could do so without raising suspicion. He had the knife with him and hoped to be able to drop it here somewhere unseen. Then he could “find it” and pull it from its place forgetting to be careful with it. Thus contaminating it with his prints!!! He knew this would lead them to the other apartment and to be able to get inside of it. He thought it was better if he was there and could maybe rearrange anything that needed to be changed to benefit him. Detective Martinez was on his cell phone with the crime scene unit trying to get them here sooner because of the blood evidence that he did not want to degrade anymore than it needed to just incase it turned out to be important. He was making his way towards the shattered phone. This seemed like a great time to Vinney as he headed into the bedroom and around to the side of the bed closest to the fire escape. He looked back towards the door as he slipped the knife between the mattress and frame but left the handle sticking out. It was a big butcher knife he had grabbed while in the apartment as his plan to shoot her just didn’t seem safe but now it would have been the better of his choices as he could have done what he could to make it quiet and be long gone before anyone saw him. It didn’t work out that way and now he would make it work out this way. He was confident in the outcome of this scenario as well. He would frame the kid and then he would either be on the run or be in prison. If the opportunity presented itself he would shoot him and say he pulled a gun or was reaching for something. It would work and he was confident in that. He could out think this old Detective he had to deal with and if not he would figure something out. Everything had a solution in Vinney’s eyes. Vinney hollered for Ed to come into the bedroom and see what he found. As Ed entered Vinney grabbed the knife from the spot he had placed it with his uncovered hand. Ed yelled “No, don’t touch it like that!!! Vinney, you must no better than that!!” Vinney looked at Ed with a quizzical look and shrugged his shoulders. He apologized to Ed and it was quickly dismissed as a rookie error even though Ed was not sure how he could not know that very fundamental rule. Vinney dropped the knife onto the bed and Ed noticed a cut on his finger. “Hey, did you just cut yourself when you grabbed that? You have to be careful. That looks like it might need stitches.” Inside Vinney smiled as he responded, “I guess I did… geez..that is one sharp knife. I will get this looked at later. When we are done here. I will be careful to not get blood everywhere, I promise.” Ed did not like this carelessness but the bosses had told him to teach the kid so he would try and do just that, teach him. He told him to go to the car and bandage it up before they continued the investigation.
The Officer approached Brian’s car with a confident walk as he rolled down his window. “Sir, Do you know why I pulled you over?” the Officer inquired and Brian just nodded. “Sir, would you like to tell me why you went through the light?” Brian wanted to tell him what he had just seen but decided he wouldn’t do that just yet. It would be better to get his brother’s opinion. “Alright then, license and registration.” Brian handed the items over and knew a ticket was coming for sure. He had no record and had never even received a ticket before. The Officer finished his work in the patrol car and then came back towards the car. “Sir, here is a ticket. If you had been honest I would likely have just given you a warning considering your clean record. Please pay attention to the road and drive safely.” The Officer handed him his license and registration back before turning to head back to his cruiser. Brian was relieved that he was able to get out of there and didn’t care about the ticket. His life matter more to him than this little ticket did to him. He slowly pulled from the curb and concentrated on his driving in hopes of blocking out the other thoughts that were racing through his mind. He drove cautiously towards his brother’s home.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Part 5
Vinney made his way to the car and opened the trunk to access the first aid kit that was in each and every car owned by the department. He opened it up and slowly looked through the contents trying to figure out what would work to cover the cut but not keep him from dropping a little of his blood here or there if he needed to do so to explain anything. He thought it would be a good idea to have some of his blood in the apartment they were going to next and where they would find a dead woman. It would make it impossible to pin this on him in the end and he knew smirked at just how smart he was. He picked a bandage that covered the cut but was easy for him to move as well to access the open wound. He shut his trunk and headed back towards the building.
Ed was still furious inside at the stupidity of this kid and just did not truly believe he was that stupid. Everyone knew not to handle evidence with your bare hands. It was on every TV show that involved crime. The kid was cocky and arrogant but he was not stupid. Ed wondered why he had been so careless but decided that maybe just this time the kid was that stupid and tried to let it go. He had a situation here that just did not add up to the puzzle before him and he knew there were more pieces that he needed. Where did the foot prints come from and was the person who made them hurt? Being chased? Was anyone in this apartment? What about the other apartment? So many questions still needed to be answered to help figure out this puzzle. He decided the next step was to enter the other apartment and see what clues could be gained from that while the CSI crew worked on this apartment for any more clues it could yield.
Brian arrived in front of his brother’s home and pulled his car to the side of the road but did not get out. He wanted to but also was having second thoughts about getting his family involved. He was thinking maybe he could just be quiet and go on with his life as if nothing had happened. Could he just ignore what he saw and go forward? Would that man really come after him or was he long gone too? Should he just go to the police? He didn’t know but didn’t want to get his family involved either and decided to just head somewhere to think for a few hours atleast to gain some perspective. He pulled away from the curb and headed down the road.
Ed was waiting for Vinney as he entered the building. Ed asked Vinney if he was fine and ready to go to the next apartment. Ed looked at Vinney’s hand and then told him to be damn careful with that as he could contaminate the whole scene if he wasn’t careful. Vinney apologized to Ed for his foolishness and made sure Ed knew he wouldn’t do it again. He had to get Ed to believe that he wouldn’t anyways. He knew if he contaminated the crime scene then the case would be junk as nobody would suspect him and he now had Ed to back him up on cutting his hand at the scene which would explain his blood everywhere. Now it was time to go and make sure he had left nothing else in her apartment. Finish this scene and then just worry about Brian and if needed he would take care of him as well.
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Part 6
Tustle with Rattlesnake
Tustle with Rattlesnake
Less than 24 hours after falling short at Tumbledown because of my own lack of preparedness I decided to prepare and challenge myself today. I was still a little weak and sore from yesterday. Still trying to re-hydrate so why push it today? It wasn’t about fun today as if it were I never would have left. Today was about challenging myself, facing any demons from yesterday and just plain knocking them silly and out of my system. Doubt is a funny thing and once it creeps in, you chase it and lose sight of what the real issues are and the real goals. I am not going to let that happen. Today was all about that and all about me answering my own desires. No doubts, no questions……. Today I would face Rattlesnake and while it isn’t the biggest mountain around it offers some steep terrain to get to the top at over 1,000 ft. I had climber over twice as high yesterday but battle fatigued today this would serve my purpose. I had been thrown down Tumbledown and now would tame this snake.
I left early enough today and had plenty of water, food, and clothing. It looked like rain but I thought I could still do this one either way. I popped the co-ordinates into my GPSr and headed the 25 miles from home to the parking area. As I was driving the doubts tried to creep in and sabotage this summit attempt just as they had done yesterday. What if this and what if that…… this and that ..that and this…. It was invading my thoughts and crowding out the positive ones every so slowly. I was in the mist of an attack, my chest started to pound and then hurt. Was this a heart attack I wonder as the pain grew sharper and my doubts grew greater. I did not turn around and instead focused on the GPSr and the time it told me I had left till I reached the parking area. An every tick off that time I knew I was a little closer to chasing these doubts out of my head. Could I make it there before I was overwhelmed? Tick tock… so slowly it counted down and the road seemed so long and twisting to me. Finally, I make it to the lot. I am the only car there and that provokes other thoughts of doubt. So I park and begin to prepare for the hike. I am battling shaky knees and sweat from the anxiety. My mind tries to tell me I can’t do this and I will fail, as the aches from yesterday howl a little louder. I ignore these demons beckoning me to stop. I look towards the path and it goes through a field and into a dark hole in the woods, how appropriate I thought. My fears, they lie beyond this field and in that dark tunnel. I take the first step, the second, and boldly follow with others. I reach the woods and delve forward into the tunnel, I know now it is me and this mountain. Who wins? I begin to rebound and find the strength with each stride. I slowly begin to swat the doubts away with each step of the ascent. I am at a breath taking pace upwards. I know I should go slower but the doubts drive me faster as I rid them from my system and continue upwards. I feel the pain in my legs and the sweat pouring out of me. I ignore it and drink as I walk, breathing harder yet I press on and on. Soon the summit is near and when I do reach it I am not elated as I have been on my other summits. No big smile this time as I cross that last crest to the views. A sense of relief, yes, that is what it was for me this time. I did it. Doubts gone….. anxiety…. Beaten again. I pushed through and did it. I am tired and the rain is very near. No time to enjoy as I turn and head back down the same path I had come up. The descent is much more pleasant as I know I have done what I wanted to do. Today, I chased away the doubts!!!
Less than 24 hours after falling short at Tumbledown because of my own lack of preparedness I decided to prepare and challenge myself today. I was still a little weak and sore from yesterday. Still trying to re-hydrate so why push it today? It wasn’t about fun today as if it were I never would have left. Today was about challenging myself, facing any demons from yesterday and just plain knocking them silly and out of my system. Doubt is a funny thing and once it creeps in, you chase it and lose sight of what the real issues are and the real goals. I am not going to let that happen. Today was all about that and all about me answering my own desires. No doubts, no questions……. Today I would face Rattlesnake and while it isn’t the biggest mountain around it offers some steep terrain to get to the top at over 1,000 ft. I had climber over twice as high yesterday but battle fatigued today this would serve my purpose. I had been thrown down Tumbledown and now would tame this snake.
I left early enough today and had plenty of water, food, and clothing. It looked like rain but I thought I could still do this one either way. I popped the co-ordinates into my GPSr and headed the 25 miles from home to the parking area. As I was driving the doubts tried to creep in and sabotage this summit attempt just as they had done yesterday. What if this and what if that…… this and that ..that and this…. It was invading my thoughts and crowding out the positive ones every so slowly. I was in the mist of an attack, my chest started to pound and then hurt. Was this a heart attack I wonder as the pain grew sharper and my doubts grew greater. I did not turn around and instead focused on the GPSr and the time it told me I had left till I reached the parking area. An every tick off that time I knew I was a little closer to chasing these doubts out of my head. Could I make it there before I was overwhelmed? Tick tock… so slowly it counted down and the road seemed so long and twisting to me. Finally, I make it to the lot. I am the only car there and that provokes other thoughts of doubt. So I park and begin to prepare for the hike. I am battling shaky knees and sweat from the anxiety. My mind tries to tell me I can’t do this and I will fail, as the aches from yesterday howl a little louder. I ignore these demons beckoning me to stop. I look towards the path and it goes through a field and into a dark hole in the woods, how appropriate I thought. My fears, they lie beyond this field and in that dark tunnel. I take the first step, the second, and boldly follow with others. I reach the woods and delve forward into the tunnel, I know now it is me and this mountain. Who wins? I begin to rebound and find the strength with each stride. I slowly begin to swat the doubts away with each step of the ascent. I am at a breath taking pace upwards. I know I should go slower but the doubts drive me faster as I rid them from my system and continue upwards. I feel the pain in my legs and the sweat pouring out of me. I ignore it and drink as I walk, breathing harder yet I press on and on. Soon the summit is near and when I do reach it I am not elated as I have been on my other summits. No big smile this time as I cross that last crest to the views. A sense of relief, yes, that is what it was for me this time. I did it. Doubts gone….. anxiety…. Beaten again. I pushed through and did it. I am tired and the rain is very near. No time to enjoy as I turn and head back down the same path I had come up. The descent is much more pleasant as I know I have done what I wanted to do. Today, I chased away the doubts!!!
Turning the pages
Turning the pages
Turning the pages baby.
Trying to flip back through time.
Trying to find why you aren’t mine.
Turning the pages.
To a better place in time.
Trying to turn back time.
It aint workin no more.
I can’t turn the pages.
New ones keep flipping by.
New pages are passing me by now baby.
Can’t let that happen
Can’t keep missin time.
But baby, oh baby.
I want to turn back time.
To when you were mine.
Trying to turn back the pages.
To a better place in time.
The pages are faded.
Trying to unlock time.
Can’t do it baby.
Time is gone, gone for ever.
Only memories on those pages.
Faded and jaded memories.
Turning back the pages.
Is a waste of time.
Can’t make yesterday today.
No matter how hard I try baby.
Turn a new page with me.
Lets make today our time.
Turn this page with me baby.
Today we can write the page together.
Making memories for another time.
When we turn back the pages.
But we can’t turn back time.
I wish it was different baby.
I still want you to be mine.
Turn a new page with me baby.
Come and be mine.
The page is blank and we have time.
A clean page baby.
Is all I ask.
You won’t be wasting time.
Turn a new page with me.
Lets make today our time.
Turn this page with me baby.
Trying to turn back the pages.
To a better place in time.
The pages are faded.
Trying to unlock time.
Can’t do it baby.
Time is gone, gone for ever.
Only memories on those pages.
Faded and jaded memories.
Turning back the pages.
Time is passing me by baby.
Turn a new page with me.
We still got time.
Turning the pages baby.
Trying to flip back through time.
Trying to find why you aren’t mine.
Turning the pages.
To a better place in time.
Trying to turn back time.
It aint workin no more.
I can’t turn the pages.
New ones keep flipping by.
New pages are passing me by now baby.
Can’t let that happen
Can’t keep missin time.
But baby, oh baby.
I want to turn back time.
To when you were mine.
Trying to turn back the pages.
To a better place in time.
The pages are faded.
Trying to unlock time.
Can’t do it baby.
Time is gone, gone for ever.
Only memories on those pages.
Faded and jaded memories.
Turning back the pages.
Is a waste of time.
Can’t make yesterday today.
No matter how hard I try baby.
Turn a new page with me.
Lets make today our time.
Turn this page with me baby.
Today we can write the page together.
Making memories for another time.
When we turn back the pages.
But we can’t turn back time.
I wish it was different baby.
I still want you to be mine.
Turn a new page with me baby.
Come and be mine.
The page is blank and we have time.
A clean page baby.
Is all I ask.
You won’t be wasting time.
Turn a new page with me.
Lets make today our time.
Turn this page with me baby.
Trying to turn back the pages.
To a better place in time.
The pages are faded.
Trying to unlock time.
Can’t do it baby.
Time is gone, gone for ever.
Only memories on those pages.
Faded and jaded memories.
Turning back the pages.
Time is passing me by baby.
Turn a new page with me.
We still got time.
Turn away
Turn away
Why must you turn away?
Every time I look at you.
You just turn away.
Was it something I said to you?
What makes you turn away?
What makes you turn away?
him:
I look at you and wonder why.
Why do you turn away?
How can I make it go away?
Just look into my eyes.
You will see a love for you.
A love inside me that is for you.
So why do you turn away.
her:
I turn away because I have too.
We can’t be together.
I know you love me.
And I love you too.
We just can’t be.
I want to run to you.
Just to have you hold me.
But I have to turn away.
Both:
Why must love be so hard?
I wish it was easy.
Just so we could be.
Together for awhile.
Can’t we freeze time somehow?
Let’s just sneak away.
Sneak away for a day.
Together we will be as one.
At least for a single day.
I just want to hold you.
him:
Please don’t turn away.
Don’t you turn away.
Don’t you turn away .
Turn away from my love.
her:
I don’t want turn away.
I want to run your way.
I want to run your way.
But I have to turn away.
Both:
Why must love be so hard?
I wish it was easy.
Just so we could be.
Together for awhile.
Can’t we freeze time somehow?
Let’s just sneak away.
Sneak away for a day.
Together we will be as one.
At least for a single day.
I just want to hold you.
Both:
Love is what we both want.
Love is what we don’t have.
Love is where we want to be.
Together, together, together.
Love is there between you and me.
But we just have too, have too turn away.
Why must you turn away?
Every time I look at you.
You just turn away.
Was it something I said to you?
What makes you turn away?
What makes you turn away?
him:
I look at you and wonder why.
Why do you turn away?
How can I make it go away?
Just look into my eyes.
You will see a love for you.
A love inside me that is for you.
So why do you turn away.
her:
I turn away because I have too.
We can’t be together.
I know you love me.
And I love you too.
We just can’t be.
I want to run to you.
Just to have you hold me.
But I have to turn away.
Both:
Why must love be so hard?
I wish it was easy.
Just so we could be.
Together for awhile.
Can’t we freeze time somehow?
Let’s just sneak away.
Sneak away for a day.
Together we will be as one.
At least for a single day.
I just want to hold you.
him:
Please don’t turn away.
Don’t you turn away.
Don’t you turn away .
Turn away from my love.
her:
I don’t want turn away.
I want to run your way.
I want to run your way.
But I have to turn away.
Both:
Why must love be so hard?
I wish it was easy.
Just so we could be.
Together for awhile.
Can’t we freeze time somehow?
Let’s just sneak away.
Sneak away for a day.
Together we will be as one.
At least for a single day.
I just want to hold you.
Both:
Love is what we both want.
Love is what we don’t have.
Love is where we want to be.
Together, together, together.
Love is there between you and me.
But we just have too, have too turn away.
The Tunnel
The Tunnel
It was early on Saturday morning, Fred and Mark were on their usual morning jog through the woods and fields behind the school. The jog though was hardly your normal jog as they pushed each other hard and were fierce competitors but yet best friends. They were just into their thirties but played like they were still in their teen years or atleast early twenties. It did not seem to matter if it was weight lifting or hockey or even something simple like a video game. It was all go all the time to one up the other and get the bragging rights for the day. This day was no different as each searched for a little more distance between them on the path and looked for new opportunities to pass the man in the lead. They knew the path like the back of their hands or so they thought atleast. They came to a part of the path that veered left and was just wide enough for a pass. Mark trailing for much longer than he cared had decided many steps ago that he would pass here and then lead them home. Fred knew Mark was hanging back and tried to take up as much space as he could and as Mark tried to go by he tried to block him. They bumped and tangled as they tried to get the edge on one another. Fred lost his balance and tumbled and on his way down his feet tangled with Mark’s sending him tumbling a little farther down the path and into the brush on the side of the trail. Fred started to get up as he saw Mark lying beside the trail in the brush and wondered if his friend was okay. It was a hard landing for him and he imagined just as hard for Mark. As he neared where his friend lay in the brush, Mark turned and motioned for him to be quiet by putting a lone finger in front of his mouth. He knelt beside his friend and they both heard something coming from the brush. As they slowly moved the brush aside they were able to see a manhole cover a little deeper in the brush. They knew years ago there used to be industrial buildings on the site but had never seen anything like this before and assumed it was all filled in some time ago. As they neared the cover the noise turned to a voice and it was a young voice of a female. She was pleading for help and was sobbing. Her voice cracked each time she spoke and she just kept asking for someone to help her. To please just come find her and to get her out as it was dark and cold. They looked at each other and did not need to speak any words as they moved to the cover quickly. They began to clear the brush away so they could access the cover. There were thorns in the brush but they were even making this into a competition, to see who could clear it faster as they both just pulled and tossed brush as fast as they could until it was clear. Then they looked up at each other and then both fell towards the cover wanting to be the first to yell to the trapped girl. As if planned they both said help was on the way into the holes in the cover. They lifted the cover off and jockeyed to get down the hole to get to her. They paused long enough to look at each other as if to say come on, you go, before both tried again but Mark slid down into the open hole and began climbing down the ladder. Fred was right behind him and on the ladder and heading down. They climbed for what seemed longer than they had thought would be possible. Mark kept going and Fred did as well but soon Fred paused and looked out over Mark’s body below him. He could see a dim light or glow from down at the bottom which still seemed to be a ways away. He told Mark that maybe he should go get some help while Mark went to the girl. Mark paused and looked up at Fred to see if it was a trick but he knew by his voice that Fred was leery of this all of the sudden. Mark motioned again for them to be quiet and listen; they no longer heard the girl’s voice calling to them. They called to her but there was no response. Nothing but there own voices bouncing around the walls. Mark started to head down as quick as he could fearing the girl was fading from them. Fred began to head up towards the top to go get some help. He mad it maybe ten feet back up the ladder before he could see someone up above him staring down at him. He could not make out the features as the sun was behind him but this was a big person. Then the sun started to be blocked out as the cover was being slid back over the hole. He began to yell and Mark below him stopped his descent to look up, he saw the light fading. Fred hurried up the ladder but whoever it was ignored him as the manhole cover was now in place above them. He climbed hoping to be able to push it out from underneath. He could hear something being done above him and as he neared the top he tried to push but the cover would not move. Something had been done too it and he could not budge it. Mark decided that they needed to get the girl anyway and then could worry about how to get the cover open. Mark started climbing down again while Fred tried to figure out how to open the cover. He pushed and pounded but it did not move and he was getting tired from the effort. He decided to head down to find Mark who was no longer on the ladder and had disappeared into whatever lay beyond the bottom. He felt nervous and did not like the situation but he would not, could not express that to Mark as he would get ribbed by it for quite sometime. He started to head down and as he neared the bottom he called for Mark and did not get an answer. He tried a couple more times but did not get a response and just assumed Mark was playing games with him or caught up in helping the girl or maybe just couldn’t hear him for whatever reason. Once at the bottom, he saw that there was along tunnel with what appeared to be other tunnels off of it. He started to edge down the main tunnel that was dimly lit and listened carefully for any noise to help him locate Mark and the girl. As he took step after step he and heard nothing he began to worry. He yelled again for Mark but still did not get any response. He was becoming worried and was just hoping everything was going to be fine as his mind began to run scenarios of possible problems. There were numerous tunnels off of this main tunnel and all were dark except one. So he headed towards that tunnel. The placed smelled like chemicals or some combination of things he could only imagine that had seeped into this place in the years before when it was active above ground. He wondered why there was even power here at all and thought these things were supposed to be destroyed or filled in years ago. He was nearing the tunnel when a hand suddenly grabbed his shoulder. He about jumped out of his shoes as the chills went through his body. The hand squeezed hard and he could feel a hot breath on the back of his head. The hair on his arms began to stand up as he realized this was not Mark, it was not possible for it to be him.
##########################################################
It was early on Saturday morning, Fred and Mark were on their usual morning jog through the woods and fields behind the school. The jog though was hardly your normal jog as they pushed each other hard and were fierce competitors but yet best friends. They were just into their thirties but played like they were still in their teen years or atleast early twenties. It did not seem to matter if it was weight lifting or hockey or even something simple like a video game. It was all go all the time to one up the other and get the bragging rights for the day. This day was no different as each searched for a little more distance between them on the path and looked for new opportunities to pass the man in the lead. They knew the path like the back of their hands or so they thought atleast. They came to a part of the path that veered left and was just wide enough for a pass. Mark trailing for much longer than he cared had decided many steps ago that he would pass here and then lead them home. Fred knew Mark was hanging back and tried to take up as much space as he could and as Mark tried to go by he tried to block him. They bumped and tangled as they tried to get the edge on one another. Fred lost his balance and tumbled and on his way down his feet tangled with Mark’s sending him tumbling a little farther down the path and into the brush on the side of the trail. Fred started to get up as he saw Mark lying beside the trail in the brush and wondered if his friend was okay. It was a hard landing for him and he imagined just as hard for Mark. As he neared where his friend lay in the brush, Mark turned and motioned for him to be quiet by putting a lone finger in front of his mouth. He knelt beside his friend and they both heard something coming from the brush. As they slowly moved the brush aside they were able to see a manhole cover a little deeper in the brush. They knew years ago there used to be industrial buildings on the site but had never seen anything like this before and assumed it was all filled in some time ago. As they neared the cover the noise turned to a voice and it was a young voice of a female. She was pleading for help and was sobbing. Her voice cracked each time she spoke and she just kept asking for someone to help her. To please just come find her and to get her out as it was dark and cold. They looked at each other and did not need to speak any words as they moved to the cover quickly. They began to clear the brush away so they could access the cover. There were thorns in the brush but they were even making this into a competition, to see who could clear it faster as they both just pulled and tossed brush as fast as they could until it was clear. Then they looked up at each other and then both fell towards the cover wanting to be the first to yell to the trapped girl. As if planned they both said help was on the way into the holes in the cover. They lifted the cover off and jockeyed to get down the hole to get to her. They paused long enough to look at each other as if to say come on, you go, before both tried again but Mark slid down into the open hole and began climbing down the ladder. Fred was right behind him and on the ladder and heading down. They climbed for what seemed longer than they had thought would be possible. Mark kept going and Fred did as well but soon Fred paused and looked out over Mark’s body below him. He could see a dim light or glow from down at the bottom which still seemed to be a ways away. He told Mark that maybe he should go get some help while Mark went to the girl. Mark paused and looked up at Fred to see if it was a trick but he knew by his voice that Fred was leery of this all of the sudden. Mark motioned again for them to be quiet and listen; they no longer heard the girl’s voice calling to them. They called to her but there was no response. Nothing but there own voices bouncing around the walls. Mark started to head down as quick as he could fearing the girl was fading from them. Fred began to head up towards the top to go get some help. He mad it maybe ten feet back up the ladder before he could see someone up above him staring down at him. He could not make out the features as the sun was behind him but this was a big person. Then the sun started to be blocked out as the cover was being slid back over the hole. He began to yell and Mark below him stopped his descent to look up, he saw the light fading. Fred hurried up the ladder but whoever it was ignored him as the manhole cover was now in place above them. He climbed hoping to be able to push it out from underneath. He could hear something being done above him and as he neared the top he tried to push but the cover would not move. Something had been done too it and he could not budge it. Mark decided that they needed to get the girl anyway and then could worry about how to get the cover open. Mark started climbing down again while Fred tried to figure out how to open the cover. He pushed and pounded but it did not move and he was getting tired from the effort. He decided to head down to find Mark who was no longer on the ladder and had disappeared into whatever lay beyond the bottom. He felt nervous and did not like the situation but he would not, could not express that to Mark as he would get ribbed by it for quite sometime. He started to head down and as he neared the bottom he called for Mark and did not get an answer. He tried a couple more times but did not get a response and just assumed Mark was playing games with him or caught up in helping the girl or maybe just couldn’t hear him for whatever reason. Once at the bottom, he saw that there was along tunnel with what appeared to be other tunnels off of it. He started to edge down the main tunnel that was dimly lit and listened carefully for any noise to help him locate Mark and the girl. As he took step after step he and heard nothing he began to worry. He yelled again for Mark but still did not get any response. He was becoming worried and was just hoping everything was going to be fine as his mind began to run scenarios of possible problems. There were numerous tunnels off of this main tunnel and all were dark except one. So he headed towards that tunnel. The placed smelled like chemicals or some combination of things he could only imagine that had seeped into this place in the years before when it was active above ground. He wondered why there was even power here at all and thought these things were supposed to be destroyed or filled in years ago. He was nearing the tunnel when a hand suddenly grabbed his shoulder. He about jumped out of his shoes as the chills went through his body. The hand squeezed hard and he could feel a hot breath on the back of his head. The hair on his arms began to stand up as he realized this was not Mark, it was not possible for it to be him.
##########################################################
Tumbledown: A Story of Almost
Tumbledown: A Story of Almost
Tumbledown Mountain near Weld Maine is said to hold a jewel of a lake on top of the mountain plus fantastic views of Maine’s other mountains, woods, lakes, and rivers. A challenging hike was sure to be had as I choose to take on the mountain. Listed in the Maine Mountain Guide as a strenuous hike to the 3090ft peak and certainly not in the beginner category, I decided still took take myself on the most challenging of its trails. One straight up the mountain with no twisting around to get there but up I would go. I fell short of the pond and the summit. I almost made it there as I was only about ¼ mile from the pond. Doesn’t sound far but straight up over boulders it is a long ways. So I almost made it…… but why almost?
Did I fail myself? Did I come up short by not making it to the top? Did I set myself up for that result? I honestly could go on and on with those type of thoughts and questions. They used to be me for such a long time. Jaded glasses are what I looked through to see everything in the World. I have taken them off for good. This would have been a huge set back for me and my progress would have been stopped. Not now…
So what happened? Well, I decided yesterday I would attempt Tumbledown today and really didn’t do any packing or planning till today. So this morning when a few things came up and I had to rush it kind of set me off on the wrong foot. I thought a few times about just taking a closer mountain and not going to Tumbledown. I decided though that I wanted to face it and go for it. I had a breakfast that was likely to light for this journey. V-8 juice, and sandwich of turkey bacon, flax seed bread, egg white. Not exactly the breakfast of Champion hikers. So I headed there over two hours later than I had planned. So already off of the target as instead of reaching the mountain in the morning, I would now reach it just after noon time and would be hiking during the hottest part of the day, again a bad choice on my part for such a tough hike like this one. I also wore a windbreaker on the trail, another bad idea. I should have hiked as normal and then added the windbreaker if it was cool. Eighty degrees and too much clothing was a mistake. So was no lunch other than a banana and a power bar. I also did not remember to fill my water before I left home and thus my camel pak was of little use to me. I had bought water and left it in the truck for a nice cool treat upon my return. It turns out I needed it on the trail!! A few mistakes and bad timing set me up to have a battle from the get go on this hike which was just poor planning on my part. Instead of challenging my mind and the reasoning I should have just listened to it and done a closer hike. I didn’t though and that is that for this hike.
As the trail went on and on, upward and ever steepening with seemingly each step of the ascent I started to sweat and soon was soaked with sweat dripping off of me. I had little water to replace what I was losing and we all know that can lead to trouble quickly. So was I flirting with dehydration? There was a pristine pond at the top if I was in dire need of water. However the minutes became a half hour, hour, hour and half of hiking with each half hour bring a steeper trail until near the end it was going up the side near a waterfall and between boulders. I was close to the top and I know that, real close in fact less than the ¼ mile likely. However, my legs were tiring with each step more from the lack of water or food than the fitness of my body. I asked my body to do something and unfairly I had not prepared it for what I asked. So the time was ticking and I told myself that I could make, went further, battled with my anxiety as I became more weary each step. My blood sugar was also likely taking its own Tumbledown and I did not have anything but a power bar to raise it up and my test kit, in the Explorer. So that was now also in my head and my doubts had begun to grow bigger. I decided to listen and turn around. Not push myself over the edge. This was not the place to test how far I could go. I was alone and quite honestly not an experienced enough hiker to make the judgment call of going forward. I made what I deemed the safe call and turned back. Short of the end goal for sure but not short in so many other ways. I knew I was six miles in on a logging road, alone, hungry, tired, and deep into the hike. Not a place to run out of steam. So of course my anxiety is having a field day as it runs through all the possible problems I will now encounter on my way back down the mountain. From bears, to twisted ankles, to broken arms, to passing out, and many other fun things that I was positive would happen. This was an anxiety attack in full bloom on a damn mountain trial!!! There was nobody to ask to set me straight, no quick way home, no quick way even to the Explorer. I had to go back the way I came up and while it is certainly easier than climbing up it isn’t really safer as one false placement of the foot and well, you Tumbledown. So festering was aloud for the attack. I felt out of control but slowly regained control. How did I do that?
Well, I thought positively and picked out the successes of the day. Slowly with each new thought my attack eased and my stomach pains eased as well. I had decided to go here even when it would have been easier to not do this today. I drove 2 hours to a place I had never been and wasn’t a place with signs to get to either. I had walked deep in the woods and overcome my fears on doing just that. I was not fearful until the attack happened. I made it a long ways before having trouble that most people would not have been able to get that far on what little I had in my system. I battled my attack and found a way to ease it. I didn’t make it to the top of Tumbledown but I still feel like I made it to the top of my mountain!!
I will be going back to Tumbledown this summer!!! I will make it to the top and will show you the pictures!!
Tumbledown Mountain near Weld Maine is said to hold a jewel of a lake on top of the mountain plus fantastic views of Maine’s other mountains, woods, lakes, and rivers. A challenging hike was sure to be had as I choose to take on the mountain. Listed in the Maine Mountain Guide as a strenuous hike to the 3090ft peak and certainly not in the beginner category, I decided still took take myself on the most challenging of its trails. One straight up the mountain with no twisting around to get there but up I would go. I fell short of the pond and the summit. I almost made it there as I was only about ¼ mile from the pond. Doesn’t sound far but straight up over boulders it is a long ways. So I almost made it…… but why almost?
Did I fail myself? Did I come up short by not making it to the top? Did I set myself up for that result? I honestly could go on and on with those type of thoughts and questions. They used to be me for such a long time. Jaded glasses are what I looked through to see everything in the World. I have taken them off for good. This would have been a huge set back for me and my progress would have been stopped. Not now…
So what happened? Well, I decided yesterday I would attempt Tumbledown today and really didn’t do any packing or planning till today. So this morning when a few things came up and I had to rush it kind of set me off on the wrong foot. I thought a few times about just taking a closer mountain and not going to Tumbledown. I decided though that I wanted to face it and go for it. I had a breakfast that was likely to light for this journey. V-8 juice, and sandwich of turkey bacon, flax seed bread, egg white. Not exactly the breakfast of Champion hikers. So I headed there over two hours later than I had planned. So already off of the target as instead of reaching the mountain in the morning, I would now reach it just after noon time and would be hiking during the hottest part of the day, again a bad choice on my part for such a tough hike like this one. I also wore a windbreaker on the trail, another bad idea. I should have hiked as normal and then added the windbreaker if it was cool. Eighty degrees and too much clothing was a mistake. So was no lunch other than a banana and a power bar. I also did not remember to fill my water before I left home and thus my camel pak was of little use to me. I had bought water and left it in the truck for a nice cool treat upon my return. It turns out I needed it on the trail!! A few mistakes and bad timing set me up to have a battle from the get go on this hike which was just poor planning on my part. Instead of challenging my mind and the reasoning I should have just listened to it and done a closer hike. I didn’t though and that is that for this hike.
As the trail went on and on, upward and ever steepening with seemingly each step of the ascent I started to sweat and soon was soaked with sweat dripping off of me. I had little water to replace what I was losing and we all know that can lead to trouble quickly. So was I flirting with dehydration? There was a pristine pond at the top if I was in dire need of water. However the minutes became a half hour, hour, hour and half of hiking with each half hour bring a steeper trail until near the end it was going up the side near a waterfall and between boulders. I was close to the top and I know that, real close in fact less than the ¼ mile likely. However, my legs were tiring with each step more from the lack of water or food than the fitness of my body. I asked my body to do something and unfairly I had not prepared it for what I asked. So the time was ticking and I told myself that I could make, went further, battled with my anxiety as I became more weary each step. My blood sugar was also likely taking its own Tumbledown and I did not have anything but a power bar to raise it up and my test kit, in the Explorer. So that was now also in my head and my doubts had begun to grow bigger. I decided to listen and turn around. Not push myself over the edge. This was not the place to test how far I could go. I was alone and quite honestly not an experienced enough hiker to make the judgment call of going forward. I made what I deemed the safe call and turned back. Short of the end goal for sure but not short in so many other ways. I knew I was six miles in on a logging road, alone, hungry, tired, and deep into the hike. Not a place to run out of steam. So of course my anxiety is having a field day as it runs through all the possible problems I will now encounter on my way back down the mountain. From bears, to twisted ankles, to broken arms, to passing out, and many other fun things that I was positive would happen. This was an anxiety attack in full bloom on a damn mountain trial!!! There was nobody to ask to set me straight, no quick way home, no quick way even to the Explorer. I had to go back the way I came up and while it is certainly easier than climbing up it isn’t really safer as one false placement of the foot and well, you Tumbledown. So festering was aloud for the attack. I felt out of control but slowly regained control. How did I do that?
Well, I thought positively and picked out the successes of the day. Slowly with each new thought my attack eased and my stomach pains eased as well. I had decided to go here even when it would have been easier to not do this today. I drove 2 hours to a place I had never been and wasn’t a place with signs to get to either. I had walked deep in the woods and overcome my fears on doing just that. I was not fearful until the attack happened. I made it a long ways before having trouble that most people would not have been able to get that far on what little I had in my system. I battled my attack and found a way to ease it. I didn’t make it to the top of Tumbledown but I still feel like I made it to the top of my mountain!!
I will be going back to Tumbledown this summer!!! I will make it to the top and will show you the pictures!!
Tumbledown: A story of success.
Tumbledown: A story of success.
It was some 40 days ago that I had tried to ascend Tumbledown Mountain and had to turn around short of the summit. I had completed the two plus hour drive into a place I had never been. I had walked a trail alone and had reached a height of near 2500 feet. I lost the trail, was out of water, and lost my nerve. With each pause on that trip my mind began to wander and I began to question myself. Soon my desire and conviction to summit on that day faded. It was replaced by fear. The fear of being dehydrated, the fear of cramping, the fear of injury, the fear of animals, the fear of a night in the woods alone, and the fear of the imagination. It all began to replace the thoughts of making Tumbledown a story of success the first time. Yes, I made the smart decision by going back down the mountain. I would live to return another day. The demons would taunt me on my way back to Portland. I told all of you of the victories for me of that day. I meant them and felt them. In time though, those victories seemed shallow and I knew Tumbledown still called me. I told you I would return and I would make it. I knew that but the demons in my mind told I wouldn’t and that I couldn’t. I was not in shape enough to do this and that I would fail again or a million other things. I tried to ignore the call of the mountain but it only became stronger. I tried to find a partner to go with me but none was to be had for this trip. Fate had decided I would do this alone and that I would succeed or not on my own. It finally got to the point of restless nights. My mind was in a battle between the forces of good and evil. Good coach and bad coach. Inspirational and dysfunctional. A battle I had lost many times in my past. What would happen this time?
I awoke from a restless sleep at 6am on Sunday morning, July 30th of 2006. I knew I had to go. I knew the mountain was calling me. The demons told me otherwise but I ignored them. I packed and rechecked to make sure I miss nothing this time. I had everything and then some. I left for Tumbledown at 7:30 am, demons in tow. The two plus hour trip was only made longer by the self doubt in my head. Finally the tide began to turn as mountains were on the horizon and Portland was a distant dot on the other horizon. My World of torment seemed to be left behind as I neared Tumbledown. It was replaced with positive thoughts and a sense of satisfaction that I was even going again. Soon I left the paved road and was on the dirt road to the trail. I had told myself I would take a different trail but I knew as soon as I hit the dirt road that I would not. I would challenge myself even more by taking the trail that I had gone astray from before. If I was going to do this I was going to do it on that trail. I started out on the trail and decided to keep a steady pace rather than bust all out like I had last time. As I followed the trail I looked at my GPS and saw I was walking right where I had before. I was somehow comforted by that fact. I kept on trucking at my steady pace. Up and up over the rocks strewn on the trail. I walked past the water running down the mountain to feed the brook below Tumbledown. I kept going step after step. This time enjoying the surroundings and sipping water all the way. Up and up till the point where the trail begins to change from strewn rocks to boulders and trees on a steep incline. I wound my way slowly up this incline. Knowing that soon I would come to the point that I had lost the trail and stopped before long. I had my head up determined not to miss the blue blaze on the tree this time around. I soon crossed the stream and now was headed up in a path I knew was new to me and my gps confirmed this to me. I was now beyond my old tracks and making new ones today. I knew the top was near and it would be mine. Energy raced through my veins and I pushed onward, not stopping. My excitement was growing with each new step. Soon the trees parted and the view began to reveal the beautiful scenery to me. I paused to take it all in and then up for the final part of the ascent. I crossed the granite and suddenly there was this beautiful pristine pond in front of me. One of the highest Alpine ponds in New England and the highest I think in Maine. A smile washed over my face as I knew I was here, where I wanted to be. I was almost finished with this ascent. I rested and enjoyed the view as I looked at the three peaks around me. Trying to pick one to summit to complete my journey at the top of the mountain. I choose my destination and was off for it. My demons were now long gone and back in their hiding spot. My legs were tired but my heart was full of strength and I was full of adrenaline, enough to carry me tot his summit. A half hour later I found myself at the top. The pond now looking much smaller to me and the World around me looking oh so vast. I could see for what seemed eternity and I realized right then that I can do anything in this World. If I try and never give up, believe in myself, and just keep trying. I can do it, I can accomplish anything. The World seemed to lay before me on that summit. A World that looked so beautiful to me for the first time. I could see many mountains and valleys which reminded me of life. There are ups and downs we each face. How will you handle yours? It is easier to stay in the valleys. I challenge you to come to the top with me. You have to earn it. The view though from the top, is truly better!!!!
Pictures of this hike are online at my photography site.
It was some 40 days ago that I had tried to ascend Tumbledown Mountain and had to turn around short of the summit. I had completed the two plus hour drive into a place I had never been. I had walked a trail alone and had reached a height of near 2500 feet. I lost the trail, was out of water, and lost my nerve. With each pause on that trip my mind began to wander and I began to question myself. Soon my desire and conviction to summit on that day faded. It was replaced by fear. The fear of being dehydrated, the fear of cramping, the fear of injury, the fear of animals, the fear of a night in the woods alone, and the fear of the imagination. It all began to replace the thoughts of making Tumbledown a story of success the first time. Yes, I made the smart decision by going back down the mountain. I would live to return another day. The demons would taunt me on my way back to Portland. I told all of you of the victories for me of that day. I meant them and felt them. In time though, those victories seemed shallow and I knew Tumbledown still called me. I told you I would return and I would make it. I knew that but the demons in my mind told I wouldn’t and that I couldn’t. I was not in shape enough to do this and that I would fail again or a million other things. I tried to ignore the call of the mountain but it only became stronger. I tried to find a partner to go with me but none was to be had for this trip. Fate had decided I would do this alone and that I would succeed or not on my own. It finally got to the point of restless nights. My mind was in a battle between the forces of good and evil. Good coach and bad coach. Inspirational and dysfunctional. A battle I had lost many times in my past. What would happen this time?
I awoke from a restless sleep at 6am on Sunday morning, July 30th of 2006. I knew I had to go. I knew the mountain was calling me. The demons told me otherwise but I ignored them. I packed and rechecked to make sure I miss nothing this time. I had everything and then some. I left for Tumbledown at 7:30 am, demons in tow. The two plus hour trip was only made longer by the self doubt in my head. Finally the tide began to turn as mountains were on the horizon and Portland was a distant dot on the other horizon. My World of torment seemed to be left behind as I neared Tumbledown. It was replaced with positive thoughts and a sense of satisfaction that I was even going again. Soon I left the paved road and was on the dirt road to the trail. I had told myself I would take a different trail but I knew as soon as I hit the dirt road that I would not. I would challenge myself even more by taking the trail that I had gone astray from before. If I was going to do this I was going to do it on that trail. I started out on the trail and decided to keep a steady pace rather than bust all out like I had last time. As I followed the trail I looked at my GPS and saw I was walking right where I had before. I was somehow comforted by that fact. I kept on trucking at my steady pace. Up and up over the rocks strewn on the trail. I walked past the water running down the mountain to feed the brook below Tumbledown. I kept going step after step. This time enjoying the surroundings and sipping water all the way. Up and up till the point where the trail begins to change from strewn rocks to boulders and trees on a steep incline. I wound my way slowly up this incline. Knowing that soon I would come to the point that I had lost the trail and stopped before long. I had my head up determined not to miss the blue blaze on the tree this time around. I soon crossed the stream and now was headed up in a path I knew was new to me and my gps confirmed this to me. I was now beyond my old tracks and making new ones today. I knew the top was near and it would be mine. Energy raced through my veins and I pushed onward, not stopping. My excitement was growing with each new step. Soon the trees parted and the view began to reveal the beautiful scenery to me. I paused to take it all in and then up for the final part of the ascent. I crossed the granite and suddenly there was this beautiful pristine pond in front of me. One of the highest Alpine ponds in New England and the highest I think in Maine. A smile washed over my face as I knew I was here, where I wanted to be. I was almost finished with this ascent. I rested and enjoyed the view as I looked at the three peaks around me. Trying to pick one to summit to complete my journey at the top of the mountain. I choose my destination and was off for it. My demons were now long gone and back in their hiding spot. My legs were tired but my heart was full of strength and I was full of adrenaline, enough to carry me tot his summit. A half hour later I found myself at the top. The pond now looking much smaller to me and the World around me looking oh so vast. I could see for what seemed eternity and I realized right then that I can do anything in this World. If I try and never give up, believe in myself, and just keep trying. I can do it, I can accomplish anything. The World seemed to lay before me on that summit. A World that looked so beautiful to me for the first time. I could see many mountains and valleys which reminded me of life. There are ups and downs we each face. How will you handle yours? It is easier to stay in the valleys. I challenge you to come to the top with me. You have to earn it. The view though from the top, is truly better!!!!
Pictures of this hike are online at my photography site.
tow the line
Come babe, that’s right you, my love.
I am talking to you.
Standing up tall and proud.
Yes, it’s me your man.
Once a shadow of a man.
Still a child locked inside.
Not ready to grow up.
Not capable of towing the load.
A boy inside a man still wanting to be a boy.
Hoping to grow into a man.
You towed the line.
I was on for the ride.
You blazed the trail for us.
I couldn’t even follow that.
You led the way.
I stumbled along trying to find the path.
I needed to find my own.
Yours was too good baby.
You led the way but I went astray.
I could keep up with the pace you set.
Expectations I knew you had for us.
Expectations I knew you had for yourself.
Expectations I knew you had for me.
Too many expectations for me as a boy.
A boy inside a man still wanting to be a boy.
Hoping to grow into a man.
You towed the line.
I was on for the ride.
You amazed me with your desire.
Never a complaint from you.
Just carried the weight.
Led the way, waiting for me.
When would I grow up?
You never asked me baby.
Never pressured me.
You just towed the load.
Made some headway while I played.
Aimless in my direction.
Lost in my desire.
Misguided for sure.
Expectations I knew you had for us.
Expectations I knew you had for yourself.
Expectations I knew you had for me.
Too many expectations for me as a boy.
One day though babe.
You were towing the line.
I saw you, I saw the load.
I saw the strain. I saw the pain.
I felt it inside.
The time came for me, right then.
To take that line from you.
To grow from a boy.
To a man baby.
Come babe, that’s right you, my love.
I am talking to you.
Standing up tall and proud.
Yes, it’s me your man.
You can follow me.
Let me blaze the trail.
Follow me, your man.
I am gonna lead the way.
Time to tow the line.
Be the man.
Rest your tired body.
Watch your man now.
Look at me. Look at me.
Walking tall.
Walking proud.
Towing the line.
Pulling the weight.
It is my time.
My time to shine.
From boy to man.
Follow me now to the promised land.
Come babe, that’s right you, my love.
I am talking to you.
Standing up tall and proud.
Yes, it’s me your man.
I am talking to you.
Standing up tall and proud.
Yes, it’s me your man.
Once a shadow of a man.
Still a child locked inside.
Not ready to grow up.
Not capable of towing the load.
A boy inside a man still wanting to be a boy.
Hoping to grow into a man.
You towed the line.
I was on for the ride.
You blazed the trail for us.
I couldn’t even follow that.
You led the way.
I stumbled along trying to find the path.
I needed to find my own.
Yours was too good baby.
You led the way but I went astray.
I could keep up with the pace you set.
Expectations I knew you had for us.
Expectations I knew you had for yourself.
Expectations I knew you had for me.
Too many expectations for me as a boy.
A boy inside a man still wanting to be a boy.
Hoping to grow into a man.
You towed the line.
I was on for the ride.
You amazed me with your desire.
Never a complaint from you.
Just carried the weight.
Led the way, waiting for me.
When would I grow up?
You never asked me baby.
Never pressured me.
You just towed the load.
Made some headway while I played.
Aimless in my direction.
Lost in my desire.
Misguided for sure.
Expectations I knew you had for us.
Expectations I knew you had for yourself.
Expectations I knew you had for me.
Too many expectations for me as a boy.
One day though babe.
You were towing the line.
I saw you, I saw the load.
I saw the strain. I saw the pain.
I felt it inside.
The time came for me, right then.
To take that line from you.
To grow from a boy.
To a man baby.
Come babe, that’s right you, my love.
I am talking to you.
Standing up tall and proud.
Yes, it’s me your man.
You can follow me.
Let me blaze the trail.
Follow me, your man.
I am gonna lead the way.
Time to tow the line.
Be the man.
Rest your tired body.
Watch your man now.
Look at me. Look at me.
Walking tall.
Walking proud.
Towing the line.
Pulling the weight.
It is my time.
My time to shine.
From boy to man.
Follow me now to the promised land.
Come babe, that’s right you, my love.
I am talking to you.
Standing up tall and proud.
Yes, it’s me your man.
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