The trip (Non-traditional story - poem)
Fantastic Voyage (Coolio), Lessons Learned (Carrie Underwood), Summer of 69 (Bryan Adams), A thousand miles from nowhere (Dwight Yoakam), Where the blacktop ends (Keith Urban), Lets get it started (Black Eyed Peas), Don’t look back (Antigone Rising), Walk this way (Run DMC/Aerosmith), Stairway to heaven (Led Zeppelin), One Step two step (Ciara), Walk a little straighter (Billy Currington), I don’t wanna miss a thing (Aerorsmith), Strawberry Fields (The Beatles), River of Dreams (Billy Joel), Higher (Creed), High way to Hell (ac/dc), Haven’t got time for the pain (Carly Simon), Loose my breath (Destiny’s Child), What was I thinking (Dierks Bentley), Dust in the wind (eagles), Storm coming (Gnarls Barkley), Bring me some water (Melissa Etheridge), Hard rain comin down on me (Bob Dylan), Man on a mission (Van Halen), I’m in a hurry to get things done (Alabama), The way you move (Big Boi), We all fall down(Clint Black), Like a Rollin Stone (Bob Dylan), Muddy water (Clint Black), Cold day in July (Dixie Chicks), Oopps..I did it again (Britney Spears), I’m like a bird (Nellie Furtado), Hanging by a moment (Life House), Into the groove (Madonna), Thorn in my pride (Black Crowes), Double vision (Foreigner), Who wears these shoes (Elton John), Blue suede shoes (Elvis), I’ll try anything (Amber Dotson), Walk like a man (Four Seasons), Forever’s as far as I will go (Alan Jackson), Ramblin Man (James Otto), Time (Hootie and the Blowfish), Rough and ready (Trace Adkins), Here I go again on my own (Whitesnake), Keep ya head up (2pac), Nice and slow (Usher), Who loves the sun (Velvet Underground), Must be doin’ something right (Billy Currington), Here comes the sun (Richie Havens), Almost Home (Craig Morgan), Go rest high on that mountain (Vince Gill), Rocky top (Loretta Lynn), Gimme Three Steps (Leonard Skynard), On and On (Stephen Bishop), Sunshine and Summertime (Faith Hill), Every mile a memory (Dierks Bentley),One step closer (Linkin Park), Make it Happen (Mariah Carey), Top of the World (Van Halen), I can see clearly now (Johnny Nash), Rocky Mountain High (John Denver), Can’t you see (Anita Cochran), Peace of mind (Boston), The promise of a new day (Paula Abdul),
2nd part
Who says you can’t go home (Bon Jovi), When you’ve seen what I’ve seen (Luke Strickland), What hurts the most (Mark Wills), Some kind of monster (Metallica), Paved paradise and put up a parking lot (Counting Crows), Life is a highway (Def Leopard)
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Running for you
Running for you
I am running as fast as I can.
Sweat is dripping from every pour.
A river runs off of me.
My body craves for water.
It begs for a break.
I am afraid to stop.
I am running after you.
I don’t know where you have gone.
The streets seem empty.
The hills seem so too.
Mountains and valleys.
I’ve been there too.
I know not where to look.
You have disappeared.
Gone without a trace.
Left me behind.
Now I am runnin after you.
No time to stop.
No time to pause.
No time to feel the pain.
I just am coming for you.
Times were tough.
Things didn’t go right.
It could have been better.
Unless I catch you.
Before you are gone.
Then it can never be better.
For once you are gone.
You are gone.
My muscles ache.
My heart races.
My eyes fill with tears.
I runnin till I drop.
I need to find you.
I will run day and night.
You are out there somewhere.
And I am coming for you.
I’m running.
I won’t give up.
Please don’t you.
I am running as fast as I can.
Sweat is dripping from every pour.
A river runs off of me.
My body craves for water.
It begs for a break.
I am afraid to stop.
I am running after you.
I don’t know where you have gone.
The streets seem empty.
The hills seem so too.
Mountains and valleys.
I’ve been there too.
I know not where to look.
You have disappeared.
Gone without a trace.
Left me behind.
Now I am runnin after you.
No time to stop.
No time to pause.
No time to feel the pain.
I just am coming for you.
Times were tough.
Things didn’t go right.
It could have been better.
Unless I catch you.
Before you are gone.
Then it can never be better.
For once you are gone.
You are gone.
My muscles ache.
My heart races.
My eyes fill with tears.
I runnin till I drop.
I need to find you.
I will run day and night.
You are out there somewhere.
And I am coming for you.
I’m running.
I won’t give up.
Please don’t you.
my soul is much the same
My soul is much the same
I can hear the pounding of it on my window.
I look outside and the sky is falling.
Rain and gray is all I see.
It is almost a mirror to me.
My soul is much the same.
Raining tears and overflowing.
No, the drains can’t keep up.
The streets are empty.
Maybe even lonely.
My soul is much the same.
I wonder if the rain will ever stop.
If the sun will ever shine.
Will it ever be bright again?
Will I ever want to go outside?
Walk along the street?
My soul is flooded with rain.
Tears of my own flowing.
Will they ever stop?
It is raining harder now.
Harder than it ever could.
I am lost in the noise.
The street seems to be a river.
My soul is much the same.
I pray for the sun.
Hoping it rises again.
Hoping the ground will dry.
The skies will be blue.
Joy will be the noise outside my window.
My soul is much the same.
I can hear the pounding of it on my window.
I look outside and the sky is falling.
Rain and gray is all I see.
It is almost a mirror to me.
My soul is much the same.
Raining tears and overflowing.
No, the drains can’t keep up.
The streets are empty.
Maybe even lonely.
My soul is much the same.
I wonder if the rain will ever stop.
If the sun will ever shine.
Will it ever be bright again?
Will I ever want to go outside?
Walk along the street?
My soul is flooded with rain.
Tears of my own flowing.
Will they ever stop?
It is raining harder now.
Harder than it ever could.
I am lost in the noise.
The street seems to be a river.
My soul is much the same.
I pray for the sun.
Hoping it rises again.
Hoping the ground will dry.
The skies will be blue.
Joy will be the noise outside my window.
My soul is much the same.
Breaking Apart
Breaking Apart
My heart breaks.
Every beat it cracks a little more.
It aches deep within.
A pain no medicine can tame.
A flame is dying inside.
I am dying inside.
Where have you gone?
Why have you gone?
My heart breaks.
It misses you.
Misses you.
Beat by beat.
Breaking Apart.
My heart breaks.
Every beat it cracks a little more.
It aches deep within.
A pain no medicine can tame.
A flame is dying inside.
I am dying inside.
Where have you gone?
Why have you gone?
My heart breaks.
It misses you.
Misses you.
Beat by beat.
Breaking Apart.
Monday, October 29, 2007
amazing............a year
Amazing it has been…….walking from here to there.
Not so long ago I was a prisoner in my own home and struggled to leave. The simplest things were the hardest things for me. I struggled to go to a grocery store. It seems like so long ago but in truth it was only slightly over a year ago that it was my reality. I have worked hard to battle my anxiety disorder and I have found success over the last year.
I have hiked many miles in the woods. In the course of those hikes I have learned a lot about myself and faced many fears. I have seen so much that I have never seen before. It is a whole new World but one that is still closed to me in so many ways.
I just want to savoir the last year though. I have seen Bald Eagles, bears, cubs, moose, fox, grouse, turkey, grey jays, deer, and so much more. I have climbed mountains upon mountains over the last year. I believe the number is close to 30 summits. Six of them over 4,000 feet high, 2 over 5,000 feet high, Mount Washington over 6,000 feet high. I have dreamed and realized dreams. I have touched the sky and it has touched my heart. I have found inspiration where only sadness had was found before.
I dare to be now. I dare to dream and go for those dreams. I dare to believe in me. I have faced fear over the last year that has kept me living in fear before. I have walked where great men and women have walked long ago. Thoreau found inspiration for his writing in many of the places I have visited this past year. I have stood at the top of mountains with views that seem to go forever. I have wondered what lies out there. Before that would evoke fear or anxiety but now it conjures up dreams and possibilities. I want to walk where greatness has been and I want to see what great adventurers have seen in life. I want to dream and I want to inspire others to dream.
I want to walk forward today and all the tomorrows. Some never see the forest for the trees but I have and I want to continue to walk in the forest and enjoy the trees. Our lands have become so full of concrete, brick, and tar but I want to roam where it is still wild and free. It is the one place I know I can be me. I want to smell the pine forest and drink from a tumbling waterfall. I want to see the moose before me and even the bear that will always cause fear to rise within me. Out there I feel free and that is where I want to be.
One year has come and gone. I am ready to keep going…to keep walking..to keep dreaming…to keep believing…to keep inspiring.
Not so long ago I was a prisoner in my own home and struggled to leave. The simplest things were the hardest things for me. I struggled to go to a grocery store. It seems like so long ago but in truth it was only slightly over a year ago that it was my reality. I have worked hard to battle my anxiety disorder and I have found success over the last year.
I have hiked many miles in the woods. In the course of those hikes I have learned a lot about myself and faced many fears. I have seen so much that I have never seen before. It is a whole new World but one that is still closed to me in so many ways.
I just want to savoir the last year though. I have seen Bald Eagles, bears, cubs, moose, fox, grouse, turkey, grey jays, deer, and so much more. I have climbed mountains upon mountains over the last year. I believe the number is close to 30 summits. Six of them over 4,000 feet high, 2 over 5,000 feet high, Mount Washington over 6,000 feet high. I have dreamed and realized dreams. I have touched the sky and it has touched my heart. I have found inspiration where only sadness had was found before.
I dare to be now. I dare to dream and go for those dreams. I dare to believe in me. I have faced fear over the last year that has kept me living in fear before. I have walked where great men and women have walked long ago. Thoreau found inspiration for his writing in many of the places I have visited this past year. I have stood at the top of mountains with views that seem to go forever. I have wondered what lies out there. Before that would evoke fear or anxiety but now it conjures up dreams and possibilities. I want to walk where greatness has been and I want to see what great adventurers have seen in life. I want to dream and I want to inspire others to dream.
I want to walk forward today and all the tomorrows. Some never see the forest for the trees but I have and I want to continue to walk in the forest and enjoy the trees. Our lands have become so full of concrete, brick, and tar but I want to roam where it is still wild and free. It is the one place I know I can be me. I want to smell the pine forest and drink from a tumbling waterfall. I want to see the moose before me and even the bear that will always cause fear to rise within me. Out there I feel free and that is where I want to be.
One year has come and gone. I am ready to keep going…to keep walking..to keep dreaming…to keep believing…to keep inspiring.
dreams
Dreams
Dreams, dreams, dreams
We all have had a few.
If life we dream of many things.
What we want is a dream
Where we want to be is a dream
Who we want to be with is a dream.
How our life is going to be is a dream.
Anything and everything can be a dream
So many of us come up short in our dreams
So many fail to reach the dreams.
Thinking they are like stars in the night.
Beautiful and twinkling
But out of reach
Until they fall and are no more.
Dreams falling from the sky.
We sit back waiting for the dream to come true.
Or to simply fade away.
Obstacles are in our way.
That is a fact and yet it stops us in our tracks.
I say dream.
Dream your dreams.
Believe in your dreams.
Reach for the stars.
Catch a falling star.
Dream big if you dare to dream.
Don’t let life turn you back.
Don’t be discouraged by the obstacles.
Dream away…….just dream.
Then reach for it.
And don’t let it get away.
Live your dreams.
Dreams can become reality.
Dare to make your dreams come true.
Dare to go beyond a dream.
Dare to live the dream
Dreams, dreams, dreams
We all have had a few.
If life we dream of many things.
What we want is a dream
Where we want to be is a dream
Who we want to be with is a dream.
How our life is going to be is a dream.
Anything and everything can be a dream
So many of us come up short in our dreams
So many fail to reach the dreams.
Thinking they are like stars in the night.
Beautiful and twinkling
But out of reach
Until they fall and are no more.
Dreams falling from the sky.
We sit back waiting for the dream to come true.
Or to simply fade away.
Obstacles are in our way.
That is a fact and yet it stops us in our tracks.
I say dream.
Dream your dreams.
Believe in your dreams.
Reach for the stars.
Catch a falling star.
Dream big if you dare to dream.
Don’t let life turn you back.
Don’t be discouraged by the obstacles.
Dream away…….just dream.
Then reach for it.
And don’t let it get away.
Live your dreams.
Dreams can become reality.
Dare to make your dreams come true.
Dare to go beyond a dream.
Dare to live the dream
Thursday, October 18, 2007
what did I do?
No call.
I left a friend a message the other day and have not heard back. So now my mind begins the game with me again. Did I say something on the message? Is he mad for some reason? Is he okay? Is his family okay? Is he this or is he that? Did I or didn't I?
I wish I could stop the scenarios but I just can't seem to do that and I re-run the message I left in my head and then also search the last time or two that I saw him and replay my actions. It make sme tired and a wreck. Am I a bad friend? It just drives me nuts really. Do I call? How long do you wait before trying again? Do you try again? No answers. Just questions and scenarios.
I wish there was a way to shut the process down and just let whatever happens happen. It isn't like this is the only thing that trips me up and gets me spinning my wheels.
In fact, I had two the other day back to back. Michelle's father pointed to an employment sign and asked if that was me. Maybe he meant something and maybe he didn't but my mind raced through things such as anger, guilt, frustration, and shame instantly. I tried to read his face to decide if I was reading into that or not but I couldn't decide either way. No matter what it stirred a hornets nest in my head. Yes, I am ashamed that I can't work because of my anxiety. It isn't my fault though and it sure isn't really fun for me. Everything I do is a process. A frustrating process at that to be honest.
Then they wanted to go to a restaurant and I don't do well with things just dropped on me like that but I tried and when I got there I couldn't even focus on the menu. I could feel my body gearing for a panic attack. I excused myself and fled. Frustrating but I felt better when I left. I don't feel sorry that I left either. I needed to and so I did which is as simple as that for me. They know I have anxiety so I do not need to make excuses or say I am sorry in my eyes. Maybe they should be saying sorry for not listening to me when I said I wanted to do something else for lunch. It really doesn't matter as it is just another example of an unfortunate situation.
Anxiety and social phobia plus my diabetes are part of me. I need ot figure out the way to deal with them and move forward. I have made some very positive steps and yet in some cases I have not as I can't figure out how to do it. I don't get it but I try and try.
I left a friend a message the other day and have not heard back. So now my mind begins the game with me again. Did I say something on the message? Is he mad for some reason? Is he okay? Is his family okay? Is he this or is he that? Did I or didn't I?
I wish I could stop the scenarios but I just can't seem to do that and I re-run the message I left in my head and then also search the last time or two that I saw him and replay my actions. It make sme tired and a wreck. Am I a bad friend? It just drives me nuts really. Do I call? How long do you wait before trying again? Do you try again? No answers. Just questions and scenarios.
I wish there was a way to shut the process down and just let whatever happens happen. It isn't like this is the only thing that trips me up and gets me spinning my wheels.
In fact, I had two the other day back to back. Michelle's father pointed to an employment sign and asked if that was me. Maybe he meant something and maybe he didn't but my mind raced through things such as anger, guilt, frustration, and shame instantly. I tried to read his face to decide if I was reading into that or not but I couldn't decide either way. No matter what it stirred a hornets nest in my head. Yes, I am ashamed that I can't work because of my anxiety. It isn't my fault though and it sure isn't really fun for me. Everything I do is a process. A frustrating process at that to be honest.
Then they wanted to go to a restaurant and I don't do well with things just dropped on me like that but I tried and when I got there I couldn't even focus on the menu. I could feel my body gearing for a panic attack. I excused myself and fled. Frustrating but I felt better when I left. I don't feel sorry that I left either. I needed to and so I did which is as simple as that for me. They know I have anxiety so I do not need to make excuses or say I am sorry in my eyes. Maybe they should be saying sorry for not listening to me when I said I wanted to do something else for lunch. It really doesn't matter as it is just another example of an unfortunate situation.
Anxiety and social phobia plus my diabetes are part of me. I need ot figure out the way to deal with them and move forward. I have made some very positive steps and yet in some cases I have not as I can't figure out how to do it. I don't get it but I try and try.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Like Sand
Like sand
I sit here on the beach.
Just wondering why it all began.
This sadness that seems to follow me.
The waves crash slowly and gently.
Not a soul around me.
It easy though to imagine the beach full.
Full of smiles
Full of joy
Full of happiness
Full of things past me
Where did it turn for me?
I have no answer.
I pick up a handful of sand.
My hand is full.
Then sand starts to fall.
The pile getting smaller and smaller.
Grain by grain
All I can do is watch it go.
And wonder why.
Happiness slips from my hands it seems too.
Just like the grains of sand.
I grab more but what is the use
I can’t seem to keep my hands full.
It always seems to be slipping though.
I can hold it tighter but it doesn’t matter.
I only left but a few grains.
They just slip on through.
Maybe I need a hand to help me hold it.
To help me keep it.
It can’t just keep on slipping through.
I am tired of wondering why.
I am tired of trying to find a way to hold on.
I am tired, just simply tired.
Another handful of sand only means more fleeting joy
More fleeting happiness
As it just slips on through.
The waves no longer seem gentle
There crashing more violent.
The beach more empty.
The day so cold.
The sand so hard.
I can’t reach for more.
I can’t reach for more.
It has all slipped away.
I sit here on the beach.
Just wondering why it all began.
This sadness that seems to follow me.
The waves crash slowly and gently.
Not a soul around me.
It easy though to imagine the beach full.
Full of smiles
Full of joy
Full of happiness
Full of things past me
Where did it turn for me?
I have no answer.
I pick up a handful of sand.
My hand is full.
Then sand starts to fall.
The pile getting smaller and smaller.
Grain by grain
All I can do is watch it go.
And wonder why.
Happiness slips from my hands it seems too.
Just like the grains of sand.
I grab more but what is the use
I can’t seem to keep my hands full.
It always seems to be slipping though.
I can hold it tighter but it doesn’t matter.
I only left but a few grains.
They just slip on through.
Maybe I need a hand to help me hold it.
To help me keep it.
It can’t just keep on slipping through.
I am tired of wondering why.
I am tired of trying to find a way to hold on.
I am tired, just simply tired.
Another handful of sand only means more fleeting joy
More fleeting happiness
As it just slips on through.
The waves no longer seem gentle
There crashing more violent.
The beach more empty.
The day so cold.
The sand so hard.
I can’t reach for more.
I can’t reach for more.
It has all slipped away.
The Trail
The Trail for me is a story that combines a few things that I truly enjoy in my own life. I fear bears even though I have studied what them to make sure I would be prepared if I encountered one on a trail. I find then fascinating and thus it was easy to add one in the story. I had intended to take the story in a different direction but was unsure I could fit it into a small frame for a short story. I purposely did not use any character names in the story as I was trying to leave it all to you imagination and focus more on the events. I think everyone would create their own vision of what Boston Detective looks like without a true description or a name. The Trail was going to be a story of murder on the mountain but it changed as I went on. For me writing is not a truly planned out process that follows an outline. I feel boxed in by outlines or page limits to be quite honest. I find for me the story I write is the story that unfolds at my fingers over the course of pages. I always will make notes as I go along to keep things consistent such as character names, relationships, or other details I think are important for later in the story. The creativity of writing freely is what allows me to get into the story and be excited about writing it. I am experience the story just like a reader as it unfolds. I have an idea where I want to go and what I want to say but I also remain open and let the story change as I feel the changes. This story had many changes within it. I personally have only hiked into the ravine on the Tuckerman Ravine Trail to watch skiers. Mount Washington’s summit is a goal I have had over a year now and actually has ties to my childhood when I would sit on the Western Prom in Portland and be able to see the white capped mountain in the distance. A fascination grew from that point onward. Stories of the mountain have always interested me. There are many stories I would like to write involving the mountain but I know the greatest story will be my conquering the mountain and reaching that very summit. So in The Trail I am able to take you on a little adventure to the mountain and have the character interact with the environment. It is his mind that leads him astray on his journey. He is lucky to have survived but also there is a sense of humility in the things that happened. In a sense they could happen to anyone.
The Trail
It was a morning like many others here at the AMC Center in Pinkham Notch. The sun was just rising as I sat outside on the wrap around porch. I would soon be on the trails again but for now I was content to be sitting here in the peace before other hikers began to awaken for their own journeys of the day. There was dew on the grass and the early birds were certainly finding the worms scattered among it. Crickets were still making their presence known but soon would be hidden as the sun continued to rise. It was a peaceful morning until I heard the scream come from the woods behind me.
It was piercing in every possible way that a scream can be and echoed throughout the valley. The hair on my arms stood and I immediately rose to my feet. My heart was racing and I headed towards to the trail. I ran hard but after 100 yards or so I had a flash in my mind that maybe it wasn’t really a scream but maybe just my mind playing tricks on me. I was out here to relax a little from my job as a Detective in Boston. I had just been involved in a case that took its toll on me mentally and this was a great place to get away. It had to be my mind playing tricks on me. I turned and walked back towards the seat on the porch. I began to feel a little embarrassed and hoped nobody else had seen my suddenly jump up and sprint towards the trail. I must have looked quite funny. I reached the porch and there was still only nature awake with me. I was very awake now though and the thought of sitting on the porch was no longer appealing to me. I went to my cabin to grab my gear and head for my day of hiking.
I started up the trail called Tuckerman’s Ravine Trail which had many other trails that branched off of it along the way to the summit of Mount Washington. I knew this was a very popular trail to the summit and the early start should help me stay ahead of the crowds which I have heard sometimes get quite large. I was soon at Crystal Cascades and paused to watch the water tumble over the falls. It was so very peaceful here with not a soul around. I headed back to the main trail and while it was never steep it was still going up and I was gaining altitude. The Pinkham Notch AMC center starts out at 2032 feet and the trek to the summit covers 4,250 feet of altitude gain in about 4.2 miles using just the Tuckerman Ravine Trail. The summit sits at 6,288 feet and is the highest peak in the Northeast. They often warn of the worst weather in the World happening right here on Mount Washington. It was a hike for sure but along the way there was peace. I had been to the ravine in the winter to see the skiers in action on the headwall. I was surprised at the size of the headwall and at how many people were there skiing. I think they are crazy but then again I am a homicide detective so maybe I am the crazy one.
I passed the cut off to the Hunington Ravine Trail and decided it was time for a rest. I was over a mile into my journey and surely ahead of the pack. I found a rock beside the trail and sat down. As I unwrapped my energy bar I noticed something across the trail from me. I couldn’t quite tell what it was from where I was but I decided I would check it out when I finished my bar. I was trying to decide what it was as it looked like fabric but that was covered by leaves in an unnatural way. I kept looking until I could stare no more. I went over to it and slowly uncovered it making sure that there was nothing else around it. I know that I was being overly cautious but I am a detective. As I brushed the leaves aside I was uncovering a fanny pack. I asked myself what a fanny pack was doing on the side of the trail and covered. My mind raced back to the sound I had heard this morning and I wondered if the two were connected. My mind was racing and I decided to mark the spot on my GPS and also take a snap shot of the fanny pack just incase. I picked it up and placed in a plastic bag that I had in my pack to keep things dry. I decided to keep going as there was really no reason to turn around.
I was making good progress but my mind was racing through scenarios of what I had found on the trail and how it had got there. I was coming up on the Lion Head split off at 3,875 feet. I was winded and a little tired as I had been going for two hours now and the sun was up high enough to warm the air. I needed to catch my breath and stay hydrated as I was only a little past halfway. As I tried to find a place to sit I noticed a broken branch and went to look at it. I soon discovered other branches that were freshly broken as well and the leaves on the ground were disturbed. I looked closely and saw hair on a branch. I took a picture and marked it on my GPS before using some duct tape that I carry on hikes to collect the hair. I then put it in the plastic bag. There seemed to have been a struggle here and my mind tried to picture the struggle that must have taken place. I wondered if this was when the scream had happened. I decided to forget my tiredness and keep going up the trail. I was running on adrenaline now as I approached the Herman Lake Shelter.
At the shelter I stopped and looked around but it was very quiet here. I wasn’t sure if there was supposed to be people here or not. I remembered reading that sometimes the shelter was open and there were basic supplies therefore purchase but maybe the keepers of the shelter were on their own early morning hike. Or maybe they were in trouble. I looked around the shelter and could feel my pulse racing. The doors were locked and I tried to look in the windows but I could not see anything inside. I was debating on rather to break the door to make sure there was not anyone in trouble and stuck inside. Then I my mind called me an idiot and I stopped in my tracks. I thought about it and maybe I was over reacting to these things. I had heard the scream though but it could have been a flash back of some sort. I just didn’t know what to think at this moment. I was possibly going crazy or I was possibly stumbling into a crisis. I decided to leave the shelter as it was and move on the trail into the bowl of the ravine. It was a short twenty minute hike and it would leave me only another mile or so from the summit of Washington.
I headed out towards Herman Lake. The lake itself really is at best a pond that is at the base of the trail to the bowl. I stopped and admired the view before heading upward. I needed to let go of these crazy thoughts and keep on moving. I was here to relax and that is what I wanted to do. The case in Boston had involved a serial killer that was targeting college women around the city. They were disappearing right off of campus. We eventually found a clue that unraveled the case but not before ten women were murdered. We ended up catching the killer who happened to be a professor that traveled from campus to campus. He had wanted more from these woman but they decided the grade wasn’t worth what he wanted and he had killed them to keep them quiet. Others have come forward since then and he is never going to leave jail. It was a trying case and a long case. Seeing ten bodies that had been raped and beaten to death was hard to take. I mean sure I see deceased all the time but the age and the brutality wore on me. I couldn’t sleep or for that matter think of anything else. If I had been smarter or done my job better then maybe all of those women would not have died. I had interviewed the professor as he was a link to all of them but I was convinced he was a good man. I feel bad about that as I misjudged him and he continued to kill. I needed to get away. This is away and now my mind was racing to find something here that was wrong. I was afraid to miss something and be the reason for death again. I am thinking that maybe what I need is to get some professional help. I am on Mount Washington and I am searching for something that just can’t be here. Sure people die on the mountain but it is from mistakes or injuries that happen during their hikes. I am sure some have died skiing down that ravine headwall that is now before me.
I paused to enjoy the view of the headwall as I was now in the bowl. It was lush green with a river running the side of it. There were birds chirping while they flew around the ravine searching for something to eat. It was such a beautiful place that I wanted to take my time and take it all in. The last time I was here the ravine was all white with feet of snow all around. The ravine fills with snow that blows off of the mountain around it and has snow sometimes till the middle of summer. I actually fell up to my waste near a large rock during my last visit. This was as far as I had made it last time but this time I was heading for the summit. I decided I would head over to the lunch rocks and take a break and well….. have my lunch. In the winter many people pack lunches and eat on the lunch rocks while watching the skiers take their tumbles down the headwall. I was tired but felt better now that I decided I was just going crazy and nothing was going on up here.
I stopped and let my chin fall to my chest while I took deep breaths and closed my eyes. As I opened my eyes I noticed a red spot on the ground before me. BLOOD!!! My mind shouted at me. I knelt beside the spot on the ground and looked closely at it. I was not a CSI type of detective but I knew blood or thought I knew blood when I saw it. This was definitely a possibility on the ground before me. It was dry but it didn’t look old at all. In fact it had rained a couple of nights ago so it had to be new. Why would there be blood here? Did someone have an accident? I guess that is possible but that blood curdling scream was more of a possibility. I lifted my head and scanned the ravine around me. I didn’t see anyone on the top of the walls looking at me and no one else was in the bowl with me. I looked for more and found a trail that seemed to lead up towards the top of the headwall. I had a sudden sense of urgency and dropped my pack and took off up the trail as quickly as I could manage. I was soon slowing as my lungs struggled for air. I just couldn’t get enough in to satisfy the needs of my body. The headwall was very steep and I suddenly thought back to when I was watching people hiking this with skis and in ski boots during my last trip here. I wondered how they did that and why that did that as I put one foot up and in front of the other. I was at 4325 feet according to my GPS unit and still just over a mile from the summit. I reached the top of the wall and looked around. I did not see anyone here as I scanned the rocks around me. The lush greens of the ravine were below me now. I scanned left and right for a few minutes but could not see anything. I continued to follow the trail and spots on the ground upward.
My legs were beginning to feel like jelly and I felt like I needed a break. I desperately needed some water. I sat on a boulder just off of the trail and suddenly remembered that I had left my pack and supplies at the bottom of the ravine. I needed a drink of water and could use some food for fuel as well. I had a choice of going back down the trail to my backpack or traveling onward and following the trail. I was torn as the safe thing was to go back to my backpack but my heart was for going forward to help the bleeding person. As I sat and rested I noticed a storm cloud on the other side of the mountain. It was barely visible to me as I was on the mountain and could not see over the top of it. I was warned before that storms can come upon you quickly here because you can’t see them till they are on top of you. I was exposed to the elements that were coming and could escape to the safety of the ravine below if I chose to do so. I didn’t though and decided to follow the trail of blood.
I kept moving and with each step I knew I was getting closer to the summit and people but yet it did not seem to be getting closer. The GPS unit said I was at 5,327 feet and every couple of steps seemed to change the number upward….. 5,328…..5,329. I could feel my legs growing weaker with each step as well. My body longed for water to quench a deep and growing thirst. I was no longer sweating and I knew that I was in danger of heat stroke. The trail of blood stopped suddenly and I looked around trying to find it for a few minutes at 5,543 feet. All I found was a popsicle stick that was red and blood red!!! How did someone get a popsicle way up here? I thought about this and decided it must have come from the Herman Lake shelters as they must have a fridge in the building. It didn’t matter really as I fell to my knees and wanted to pull my own hair out. I realized that my mind again had taken me on a journey to no where. I was chasing what just wasn’t there and now I was in danger myself. I slumped to the ground and put my head down in hopes of clearing my head.
BOOOOOOM…Booooommmm…….snap…crackle and then came the flash of lightning that was way too close for my comfort. The hair on my arms stood at attention. My heart jumped into my throat as the lightning struck only 100 yards away. The rain let loose now like the flood gates from heaven had suddenly broken. It was instantly impossible to see anything. I was soaked to the bone now as I sat on the ground. I had a decision to make and was aware that it had to be the right decision. Should I head for the top or back down to my backpack in the ravine?
I knew at the top there were at the very least people manning the weather observatory. It is manned year round and it is only around 700 feet above me. I look up but I can’t see anything except rain. I know the path is mostly marked with cairns from here on up. I am not sure that I will be able to see the piles of rocks used for cairns and if I miss them then I will be in trouble. My GPS is going wacky as the satellites appear to be having a hard time sending a signal through this storm. I guess that only leaves down towards my backpack but I wonder if I can make it over the steep terrain in the rain. There is no place to hide here and that means I have to move one way or the other. BOOOOOOOOM !! The air crackles above my head and my hair resumes it’s standing on end position. I decide then to head down the trail towards the ravine. I move as fast as I can and yet I am feeling cold from the rain. I still need water to hydrate my body which is dehydrated from the hike up and not taking in enough water. What was I thinking? I am cursing myself now as I let my instincts lead me when I should have taken the time and did the right things. Now I am dehydrated, cold, and away from all my gear on top of a mountain. Well, I guess technically I am on the side of the mountain but either way I am still an idiot. The going is slow but I am now at the top of the ravine. All I have to do is get down the ravine headwall to my backpack.
I try to see below me but the rain and wind prevent that from happening. I can see the trail or at least what I think is the trail. I decide I have no other choices left and now it is time to try this decent. I try to stand but as soon as I shift my weight I can feel my right foot slipping. I grab for a rock but it doesn’t hold and now I am tumbling down the headwall. I am thinking I am going to die on this mountain today. I have no control over my body and with each tumble I seem to be picking up speed. I hit a rock with my left arm and felt a pop or maybe I heard too. Do you really know when you are flying and bouncing off of everything in your path? I just knew it hurt and that it was a sharp pain. It seemed to last forever but I remember seeing the skiers fall and it was pretty quick but those lucky bastards at least were on snow. They were like snowballs and here I was like a mud ball at best. I hit one last boulder and came to a stop against it. I tried to breath but my breath seemed to have left me and the ability to take in air was gone too. I wondered if I was dead but then I opened my eyes and it was still raining so I figured I must be alive as neither vision I have for heaven or hell includes a blinding rain. I soon am able to suck in some air and slowly my breathing returns to me. I gather myself and try to sit up against the boulder but when I try to use my arms to lift myself only the right one works. They left failed me and I fell forward onto my face. The mud felt good and I was tempted to take a drink of the pooled water. I finally sat up and the thunder had seemed to move on to somewhere else as even the rain began to let up. The surroundings all looked the same to me. I was not on a trail and while I could tell I was still on the same side as the trail it wasn’t something I could see from where I was now. I stood and despite the pain that flowed through my body like the blood in my veins I managed to move in the direction of the trail or at least where I thought it was at that point. I soon was on the trail and quickly determined I was lower than where my backpack was on the trail. The sky was clearing which I thought was a good sign but was that the only break I was going to catch today? I wasn’t sure I wanted to try and make it up to my bag just to turn around and go back down the mountain but I also knew I needed my bag. I began to move up the trail towards my backpack. Finally I saw it and went over to it and collapsed beside of it. I immediately began to drink from my Camel pak and soon moved on to some of the snacks I had inside. I felt pretty good at this point despite the fun I had tumbling down the ravine wall.
GROWL!!! GROWL!!!! The noise came from above me and as I looked up I could not believe my luck as up on top of the ravine headwall was a black bear looking down at me. I thought and remembered that you are told to yell at them. So I yelled but the bear seemed to be getting the wrong message from me as he moved down the trail towards me. I scrambled as best I could and headed down the trail. I knew the bear could catch me but he just seemed to be keeping his distance and following me. I kept yelling and he kept following me. Where was everyone else? Isn’t this a popular trail? I was now at the trail down to the Herman Lake Shelters but wondered how I would manage this without the use of both my arms. I had to leave my backpack here as I couldn’t balance myself with it anyway. I dropped the pack and grabbed a candy bar from it before moving on. The bear made his way to the pack and as I continued out of sight I think I heard the bag ripping as the bear decided he liked candy too.
Finally down at the shelter I knocked on the door but nobody was home again. Was there a point to having a shelter if it didn’t provide shelter? I kept moving to make sure I stayed ahead of the bear. It was not a pleasant walk and I really needed more to drink but I was at least sweating again. I was coming up on the Lion’s Head cutoff when I saw something on the trail below me. I stopped and soon was able to determine it was other hikers. I yelled to them and as I made my way towards them they came towards me. There were two rangers and two others hikers. They noticed the shape I was in and asked what had happened. I explained to them that I had fallen and left out all the idiotic stuff I had thought during my hike. They agreed to help me down the trail to the AMC hut at the bottom. We moved past were the broken branches and hair were so I decided that I should at least point this out incase I wasn’t crazy. So I stopped and asked why the branches were broken and to some of the hair still there on the branches. I told them I was a big city detective and this seemed odd to me. The rangers exchanged a look as if trying to decide who was going to explain to me what this was all about. Well they told me and I am ashamed to say that it was a bear that had made the mess there. Apparently there was a nuisance bear on the trail the last few days and he would hide on the side of the trail and come out when he heard hikers coming. He would growl and huff but never charged. He just wanted the hikers to drop their packs and he wanted the food. They told me in fact a lady this morning had come across him and dropped her fanny pack and tried to bury it off the trail so the bear would pass it. She thought she could pick it back up later but the bear continued to follow her and she screamed. The scream made the bear scamper off up the trail towards the ravine. The rangers and other hikers asked me if I had seen the bear or had heard her scream this morning. I told them my story on the way to the hut. The big detective out to save a life in the woods of New Hampshire only found himself over his head on the trail. I wasn’t sure this was as relaxing as I had intended it to be. I had broken my forearm in the fall and decided that maybe I needed a new hobby. I hear the fishing is good in Maine.
The Trail
It was a morning like many others here at the AMC Center in Pinkham Notch. The sun was just rising as I sat outside on the wrap around porch. I would soon be on the trails again but for now I was content to be sitting here in the peace before other hikers began to awaken for their own journeys of the day. There was dew on the grass and the early birds were certainly finding the worms scattered among it. Crickets were still making their presence known but soon would be hidden as the sun continued to rise. It was a peaceful morning until I heard the scream come from the woods behind me.
It was piercing in every possible way that a scream can be and echoed throughout the valley. The hair on my arms stood and I immediately rose to my feet. My heart was racing and I headed towards to the trail. I ran hard but after 100 yards or so I had a flash in my mind that maybe it wasn’t really a scream but maybe just my mind playing tricks on me. I was out here to relax a little from my job as a Detective in Boston. I had just been involved in a case that took its toll on me mentally and this was a great place to get away. It had to be my mind playing tricks on me. I turned and walked back towards the seat on the porch. I began to feel a little embarrassed and hoped nobody else had seen my suddenly jump up and sprint towards the trail. I must have looked quite funny. I reached the porch and there was still only nature awake with me. I was very awake now though and the thought of sitting on the porch was no longer appealing to me. I went to my cabin to grab my gear and head for my day of hiking.
I started up the trail called Tuckerman’s Ravine Trail which had many other trails that branched off of it along the way to the summit of Mount Washington. I knew this was a very popular trail to the summit and the early start should help me stay ahead of the crowds which I have heard sometimes get quite large. I was soon at Crystal Cascades and paused to watch the water tumble over the falls. It was so very peaceful here with not a soul around. I headed back to the main trail and while it was never steep it was still going up and I was gaining altitude. The Pinkham Notch AMC center starts out at 2032 feet and the trek to the summit covers 4,250 feet of altitude gain in about 4.2 miles using just the Tuckerman Ravine Trail. The summit sits at 6,288 feet and is the highest peak in the Northeast. They often warn of the worst weather in the World happening right here on Mount Washington. It was a hike for sure but along the way there was peace. I had been to the ravine in the winter to see the skiers in action on the headwall. I was surprised at the size of the headwall and at how many people were there skiing. I think they are crazy but then again I am a homicide detective so maybe I am the crazy one.
I passed the cut off to the Hunington Ravine Trail and decided it was time for a rest. I was over a mile into my journey and surely ahead of the pack. I found a rock beside the trail and sat down. As I unwrapped my energy bar I noticed something across the trail from me. I couldn’t quite tell what it was from where I was but I decided I would check it out when I finished my bar. I was trying to decide what it was as it looked like fabric but that was covered by leaves in an unnatural way. I kept looking until I could stare no more. I went over to it and slowly uncovered it making sure that there was nothing else around it. I know that I was being overly cautious but I am a detective. As I brushed the leaves aside I was uncovering a fanny pack. I asked myself what a fanny pack was doing on the side of the trail and covered. My mind raced back to the sound I had heard this morning and I wondered if the two were connected. My mind was racing and I decided to mark the spot on my GPS and also take a snap shot of the fanny pack just incase. I picked it up and placed in a plastic bag that I had in my pack to keep things dry. I decided to keep going as there was really no reason to turn around.
I was making good progress but my mind was racing through scenarios of what I had found on the trail and how it had got there. I was coming up on the Lion Head split off at 3,875 feet. I was winded and a little tired as I had been going for two hours now and the sun was up high enough to warm the air. I needed to catch my breath and stay hydrated as I was only a little past halfway. As I tried to find a place to sit I noticed a broken branch and went to look at it. I soon discovered other branches that were freshly broken as well and the leaves on the ground were disturbed. I looked closely and saw hair on a branch. I took a picture and marked it on my GPS before using some duct tape that I carry on hikes to collect the hair. I then put it in the plastic bag. There seemed to have been a struggle here and my mind tried to picture the struggle that must have taken place. I wondered if this was when the scream had happened. I decided to forget my tiredness and keep going up the trail. I was running on adrenaline now as I approached the Herman Lake Shelter.
At the shelter I stopped and looked around but it was very quiet here. I wasn’t sure if there was supposed to be people here or not. I remembered reading that sometimes the shelter was open and there were basic supplies therefore purchase but maybe the keepers of the shelter were on their own early morning hike. Or maybe they were in trouble. I looked around the shelter and could feel my pulse racing. The doors were locked and I tried to look in the windows but I could not see anything inside. I was debating on rather to break the door to make sure there was not anyone in trouble and stuck inside. Then I my mind called me an idiot and I stopped in my tracks. I thought about it and maybe I was over reacting to these things. I had heard the scream though but it could have been a flash back of some sort. I just didn’t know what to think at this moment. I was possibly going crazy or I was possibly stumbling into a crisis. I decided to leave the shelter as it was and move on the trail into the bowl of the ravine. It was a short twenty minute hike and it would leave me only another mile or so from the summit of Washington.
I headed out towards Herman Lake. The lake itself really is at best a pond that is at the base of the trail to the bowl. I stopped and admired the view before heading upward. I needed to let go of these crazy thoughts and keep on moving. I was here to relax and that is what I wanted to do. The case in Boston had involved a serial killer that was targeting college women around the city. They were disappearing right off of campus. We eventually found a clue that unraveled the case but not before ten women were murdered. We ended up catching the killer who happened to be a professor that traveled from campus to campus. He had wanted more from these woman but they decided the grade wasn’t worth what he wanted and he had killed them to keep them quiet. Others have come forward since then and he is never going to leave jail. It was a trying case and a long case. Seeing ten bodies that had been raped and beaten to death was hard to take. I mean sure I see deceased all the time but the age and the brutality wore on me. I couldn’t sleep or for that matter think of anything else. If I had been smarter or done my job better then maybe all of those women would not have died. I had interviewed the professor as he was a link to all of them but I was convinced he was a good man. I feel bad about that as I misjudged him and he continued to kill. I needed to get away. This is away and now my mind was racing to find something here that was wrong. I was afraid to miss something and be the reason for death again. I am thinking that maybe what I need is to get some professional help. I am on Mount Washington and I am searching for something that just can’t be here. Sure people die on the mountain but it is from mistakes or injuries that happen during their hikes. I am sure some have died skiing down that ravine headwall that is now before me.
I paused to enjoy the view of the headwall as I was now in the bowl. It was lush green with a river running the side of it. There were birds chirping while they flew around the ravine searching for something to eat. It was such a beautiful place that I wanted to take my time and take it all in. The last time I was here the ravine was all white with feet of snow all around. The ravine fills with snow that blows off of the mountain around it and has snow sometimes till the middle of summer. I actually fell up to my waste near a large rock during my last visit. This was as far as I had made it last time but this time I was heading for the summit. I decided I would head over to the lunch rocks and take a break and well….. have my lunch. In the winter many people pack lunches and eat on the lunch rocks while watching the skiers take their tumbles down the headwall. I was tired but felt better now that I decided I was just going crazy and nothing was going on up here.
I stopped and let my chin fall to my chest while I took deep breaths and closed my eyes. As I opened my eyes I noticed a red spot on the ground before me. BLOOD!!! My mind shouted at me. I knelt beside the spot on the ground and looked closely at it. I was not a CSI type of detective but I knew blood or thought I knew blood when I saw it. This was definitely a possibility on the ground before me. It was dry but it didn’t look old at all. In fact it had rained a couple of nights ago so it had to be new. Why would there be blood here? Did someone have an accident? I guess that is possible but that blood curdling scream was more of a possibility. I lifted my head and scanned the ravine around me. I didn’t see anyone on the top of the walls looking at me and no one else was in the bowl with me. I looked for more and found a trail that seemed to lead up towards the top of the headwall. I had a sudden sense of urgency and dropped my pack and took off up the trail as quickly as I could manage. I was soon slowing as my lungs struggled for air. I just couldn’t get enough in to satisfy the needs of my body. The headwall was very steep and I suddenly thought back to when I was watching people hiking this with skis and in ski boots during my last trip here. I wondered how they did that and why that did that as I put one foot up and in front of the other. I was at 4325 feet according to my GPS unit and still just over a mile from the summit. I reached the top of the wall and looked around. I did not see anyone here as I scanned the rocks around me. The lush greens of the ravine were below me now. I scanned left and right for a few minutes but could not see anything. I continued to follow the trail and spots on the ground upward.
My legs were beginning to feel like jelly and I felt like I needed a break. I desperately needed some water. I sat on a boulder just off of the trail and suddenly remembered that I had left my pack and supplies at the bottom of the ravine. I needed a drink of water and could use some food for fuel as well. I had a choice of going back down the trail to my backpack or traveling onward and following the trail. I was torn as the safe thing was to go back to my backpack but my heart was for going forward to help the bleeding person. As I sat and rested I noticed a storm cloud on the other side of the mountain. It was barely visible to me as I was on the mountain and could not see over the top of it. I was warned before that storms can come upon you quickly here because you can’t see them till they are on top of you. I was exposed to the elements that were coming and could escape to the safety of the ravine below if I chose to do so. I didn’t though and decided to follow the trail of blood.
I kept moving and with each step I knew I was getting closer to the summit and people but yet it did not seem to be getting closer. The GPS unit said I was at 5,327 feet and every couple of steps seemed to change the number upward….. 5,328…..5,329. I could feel my legs growing weaker with each step as well. My body longed for water to quench a deep and growing thirst. I was no longer sweating and I knew that I was in danger of heat stroke. The trail of blood stopped suddenly and I looked around trying to find it for a few minutes at 5,543 feet. All I found was a popsicle stick that was red and blood red!!! How did someone get a popsicle way up here? I thought about this and decided it must have come from the Herman Lake shelters as they must have a fridge in the building. It didn’t matter really as I fell to my knees and wanted to pull my own hair out. I realized that my mind again had taken me on a journey to no where. I was chasing what just wasn’t there and now I was in danger myself. I slumped to the ground and put my head down in hopes of clearing my head.
BOOOOOOM…Booooommmm…….snap…crackle and then came the flash of lightning that was way too close for my comfort. The hair on my arms stood at attention. My heart jumped into my throat as the lightning struck only 100 yards away. The rain let loose now like the flood gates from heaven had suddenly broken. It was instantly impossible to see anything. I was soaked to the bone now as I sat on the ground. I had a decision to make and was aware that it had to be the right decision. Should I head for the top or back down to my backpack in the ravine?
I knew at the top there were at the very least people manning the weather observatory. It is manned year round and it is only around 700 feet above me. I look up but I can’t see anything except rain. I know the path is mostly marked with cairns from here on up. I am not sure that I will be able to see the piles of rocks used for cairns and if I miss them then I will be in trouble. My GPS is going wacky as the satellites appear to be having a hard time sending a signal through this storm. I guess that only leaves down towards my backpack but I wonder if I can make it over the steep terrain in the rain. There is no place to hide here and that means I have to move one way or the other. BOOOOOOOOM !! The air crackles above my head and my hair resumes it’s standing on end position. I decide then to head down the trail towards the ravine. I move as fast as I can and yet I am feeling cold from the rain. I still need water to hydrate my body which is dehydrated from the hike up and not taking in enough water. What was I thinking? I am cursing myself now as I let my instincts lead me when I should have taken the time and did the right things. Now I am dehydrated, cold, and away from all my gear on top of a mountain. Well, I guess technically I am on the side of the mountain but either way I am still an idiot. The going is slow but I am now at the top of the ravine. All I have to do is get down the ravine headwall to my backpack.
I try to see below me but the rain and wind prevent that from happening. I can see the trail or at least what I think is the trail. I decide I have no other choices left and now it is time to try this decent. I try to stand but as soon as I shift my weight I can feel my right foot slipping. I grab for a rock but it doesn’t hold and now I am tumbling down the headwall. I am thinking I am going to die on this mountain today. I have no control over my body and with each tumble I seem to be picking up speed. I hit a rock with my left arm and felt a pop or maybe I heard too. Do you really know when you are flying and bouncing off of everything in your path? I just knew it hurt and that it was a sharp pain. It seemed to last forever but I remember seeing the skiers fall and it was pretty quick but those lucky bastards at least were on snow. They were like snowballs and here I was like a mud ball at best. I hit one last boulder and came to a stop against it. I tried to breath but my breath seemed to have left me and the ability to take in air was gone too. I wondered if I was dead but then I opened my eyes and it was still raining so I figured I must be alive as neither vision I have for heaven or hell includes a blinding rain. I soon am able to suck in some air and slowly my breathing returns to me. I gather myself and try to sit up against the boulder but when I try to use my arms to lift myself only the right one works. They left failed me and I fell forward onto my face. The mud felt good and I was tempted to take a drink of the pooled water. I finally sat up and the thunder had seemed to move on to somewhere else as even the rain began to let up. The surroundings all looked the same to me. I was not on a trail and while I could tell I was still on the same side as the trail it wasn’t something I could see from where I was now. I stood and despite the pain that flowed through my body like the blood in my veins I managed to move in the direction of the trail or at least where I thought it was at that point. I soon was on the trail and quickly determined I was lower than where my backpack was on the trail. The sky was clearing which I thought was a good sign but was that the only break I was going to catch today? I wasn’t sure I wanted to try and make it up to my bag just to turn around and go back down the mountain but I also knew I needed my bag. I began to move up the trail towards my backpack. Finally I saw it and went over to it and collapsed beside of it. I immediately began to drink from my Camel pak and soon moved on to some of the snacks I had inside. I felt pretty good at this point despite the fun I had tumbling down the ravine wall.
GROWL!!! GROWL!!!! The noise came from above me and as I looked up I could not believe my luck as up on top of the ravine headwall was a black bear looking down at me. I thought and remembered that you are told to yell at them. So I yelled but the bear seemed to be getting the wrong message from me as he moved down the trail towards me. I scrambled as best I could and headed down the trail. I knew the bear could catch me but he just seemed to be keeping his distance and following me. I kept yelling and he kept following me. Where was everyone else? Isn’t this a popular trail? I was now at the trail down to the Herman Lake Shelters but wondered how I would manage this without the use of both my arms. I had to leave my backpack here as I couldn’t balance myself with it anyway. I dropped the pack and grabbed a candy bar from it before moving on. The bear made his way to the pack and as I continued out of sight I think I heard the bag ripping as the bear decided he liked candy too.
Finally down at the shelter I knocked on the door but nobody was home again. Was there a point to having a shelter if it didn’t provide shelter? I kept moving to make sure I stayed ahead of the bear. It was not a pleasant walk and I really needed more to drink but I was at least sweating again. I was coming up on the Lion’s Head cutoff when I saw something on the trail below me. I stopped and soon was able to determine it was other hikers. I yelled to them and as I made my way towards them they came towards me. There were two rangers and two others hikers. They noticed the shape I was in and asked what had happened. I explained to them that I had fallen and left out all the idiotic stuff I had thought during my hike. They agreed to help me down the trail to the AMC hut at the bottom. We moved past were the broken branches and hair were so I decided that I should at least point this out incase I wasn’t crazy. So I stopped and asked why the branches were broken and to some of the hair still there on the branches. I told them I was a big city detective and this seemed odd to me. The rangers exchanged a look as if trying to decide who was going to explain to me what this was all about. Well they told me and I am ashamed to say that it was a bear that had made the mess there. Apparently there was a nuisance bear on the trail the last few days and he would hide on the side of the trail and come out when he heard hikers coming. He would growl and huff but never charged. He just wanted the hikers to drop their packs and he wanted the food. They told me in fact a lady this morning had come across him and dropped her fanny pack and tried to bury it off the trail so the bear would pass it. She thought she could pick it back up later but the bear continued to follow her and she screamed. The scream made the bear scamper off up the trail towards the ravine. The rangers and other hikers asked me if I had seen the bear or had heard her scream this morning. I told them my story on the way to the hut. The big detective out to save a life in the woods of New Hampshire only found himself over his head on the trail. I wasn’t sure this was as relaxing as I had intended it to be. I had broken my forearm in the fall and decided that maybe I needed a new hobby. I hear the fishing is good in Maine.
Navigating My Way
Navigating My Way
I was looking out the window and watching the snow fall. Gently the flakes fell to the ground and began to cover the sidewalk. I had watched out the window off and on throughout the day and had seen numerous people going back and forth. Leaving behind invisible footprints in the snow as time moved onward. The snow would erase their prints and leave a fresh trail for the next people who walked through it. I wished I could follow it. Someday I even wanted to make my own footprints in the snow or even invisible ones trailing off into the unknown. Someday….someway…….
I was stuck in my home and did not leave it often anymore. I had been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and while that is not life ending it was life altering for me. The diabetes diagnosis seemed to make an old problem I had been battling a worse problem. Anxiety was something I had suffered from, but it was not as debilitating as it had become now. I was in my own prison and my keeper was anxiety. The fears of “what ifs” is a big part of that anxiety. Slowly my World was filled with them and then it began to close inward for me.
I did not work and I did not socialize with others. My wife and my cat were my World. The walls of the apartment were the boundaries and the T.V. was my friend. I also had a computer and eventually started to talk to others online, but that was different than reality. I did not know them and they did not know me. I could keep myself secluded but also interact a little with people. In the end though this was not enough and I was searching for an answer.
I tried medicine, meditation, and many other things but they all failed in getting me past the anxiety for any length of time. As a boy I always had an imagination and while searching the internet I stumbled across something that sounded like it would give me some adventure like I had when I was a boy. I though if I could try this it would build my confidence slowly. I talked with my wife about what I had found and we decided we would try this to see if it would work.
What I stumbled across on the internet was something called Geocaching and all you needed was a GPS unit to participate. The basis of Geocaching is people placed caches of varying sizes and difficulty all over the place for others to find. A cache is a hidden item that has a log book for you to sign once you find it. You can also trade small items when you find the cache such as pins, post cards, coins, or other trinkets. It sounded like an adventure and there were some caches right in my own neighborhood. That made me curious as to where the items were hidden and if I could find them. The clues that are given are helpful, but you need a GPS to guide you as you plugged in co-ordinates to get yourself near the hidden cache. I searched the internet and found out more about GPS units and soon had made a decision on the one that I wanted to purchase for my adventures.
It was a challenge just to purchase the GPS unit as I was not eager to go to the store where other people would be and where I was sure my anxiety would be an issue. I looked for a store that was likely to not be as busy and with my wife’s help I was able to make the trip to the store. We purchased a Garmin GPS unit for a couple hundred dollars and that price alone caused me to feel some pressure about this new adventure having to work or at least help with my anxiety. Money was tight and Michelle, my wife, was working two jobs to get us from point A to point B each month. At home we opened the GPS and loaded the maps onto the unit. Sure enough it searched for and acquired satellites that confirmed I was sitting in my little World again. It knew where I was and I could see everything around me because of the GPS. I punched in names of places I knew and the little handheld GPS confirmed what I had already known, but also told me how to get there and how long it would take for me to get there. I was amazed and curious.
I punched in the co-ordinates for my first geocache that was near my home. The location popped up on the screen and I knew exactly where this place was as it was the playground I used to play in as a child. The anxiety and excitement clashed within me at that point. I wanted to go find it but I didn’t dare to go find it. A battle of go and don’t go was underway. I decided not to go, however the seed was planted. I talked with Michelle about the playground and strategize on where something could be hidden even though I had no idea how big or small or how well hidden a geocache was at this point. The curiosity was slowly gaining the advantage over the anxiety as I became more and more confident that I could complete this adventure and return to my sanctum safely. I decided to go for it the next day.
The night went slowly and I hardly even slept as I just kept imagining the park. The sun finally rose and I fired up the GPS unit and grabbed the geocache print out before heading out the door. I paused before grabbing the door knob knowing I was leaving the safety of my home, but I looked at the GPS and saw where the geocache was located and thought what have I got to loose and headed out the door. Soon I was not thinking or feeling anxiety as it was replaced with excitement. With each and every step the GPS showed me moving in the right direction and the area of the geocache was getting closer. I finally made it to the area and re-read the clues to the location. I looked around and barely noticed the people out walking their dogs or going to their cars to leave for work. I was looking around and doing my best to put the clues together. I poked around here and there but I could not find the geocache. My anxiety started to creep in and I became anxious and eventually went home after a while. I felt disappointed, but then I realized I had been somewhere I had not been in a long time which made me feel good.
Eventually I did find that first geocache in the park and that opened the door for me to want to find more and more of them. I eventually loved the hard to find geocaches and found myself out in areas that had previously been off limits due to my anxiety.
When I was searching for the caches I sometimes did feel the anxiety, but more times than not my mind was thinking about geocaching. Some of the caches even required a certain amount of stealth and it only seemed to add to the adventure and the fun. The GPS unit became my freedom and my buddy. It went to places that were outside of my comfort zone because of my GPS unit and my area of comfort began to grow. I trusted it to provide me with the information to answer some of the “what ifs” that I always had and build my confidence.
Over time I was going further and further from home until I was running out of geocaches. The excitement was also waning as the challenge faded. I started looking for a new adventure to take me places. The GPS provided the confidence and I just needed to provide the adventure. I soon discovered hiking and started out with hikes that were near my home, but those expanded further over time. I remember reading about places in the White Mountains and then finding their location on the GPS unit only to feel that they seemed so far away. I never believed I would ever make it to these places, even if it was for a drive and not to hike, but I kept them in the GPS memory all the same.
In time I was moving further and further away from home and hiking in the woods which were an unknown for a kid who grew up in downtown Portland. Woods eventually became mountains and the mountains were further and further away from home. Each trip was filled with challenges but I was always able to navigate them because I had the GPS to guide me in my travels. I was never lost and always knew my way home. I always knew how long until I got home and if I needed to make a pit stop the GPS told me where to go.
The GPS unit has opened up the World to me. I now am able to go the places that seemed so far away not too long ago and offered me a new freedom. I sometimes look out my window watching the snow fall gently after returning from the mountains knowing that out there on a trail in the woods in a distant place the snow is slowly covering my invisible tracks.
I was looking out the window and watching the snow fall. Gently the flakes fell to the ground and began to cover the sidewalk. I had watched out the window off and on throughout the day and had seen numerous people going back and forth. Leaving behind invisible footprints in the snow as time moved onward. The snow would erase their prints and leave a fresh trail for the next people who walked through it. I wished I could follow it. Someday I even wanted to make my own footprints in the snow or even invisible ones trailing off into the unknown. Someday….someway…….
I was stuck in my home and did not leave it often anymore. I had been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and while that is not life ending it was life altering for me. The diabetes diagnosis seemed to make an old problem I had been battling a worse problem. Anxiety was something I had suffered from, but it was not as debilitating as it had become now. I was in my own prison and my keeper was anxiety. The fears of “what ifs” is a big part of that anxiety. Slowly my World was filled with them and then it began to close inward for me.
I did not work and I did not socialize with others. My wife and my cat were my World. The walls of the apartment were the boundaries and the T.V. was my friend. I also had a computer and eventually started to talk to others online, but that was different than reality. I did not know them and they did not know me. I could keep myself secluded but also interact a little with people. In the end though this was not enough and I was searching for an answer.
I tried medicine, meditation, and many other things but they all failed in getting me past the anxiety for any length of time. As a boy I always had an imagination and while searching the internet I stumbled across something that sounded like it would give me some adventure like I had when I was a boy. I though if I could try this it would build my confidence slowly. I talked with my wife about what I had found and we decided we would try this to see if it would work.
What I stumbled across on the internet was something called Geocaching and all you needed was a GPS unit to participate. The basis of Geocaching is people placed caches of varying sizes and difficulty all over the place for others to find. A cache is a hidden item that has a log book for you to sign once you find it. You can also trade small items when you find the cache such as pins, post cards, coins, or other trinkets. It sounded like an adventure and there were some caches right in my own neighborhood. That made me curious as to where the items were hidden and if I could find them. The clues that are given are helpful, but you need a GPS to guide you as you plugged in co-ordinates to get yourself near the hidden cache. I searched the internet and found out more about GPS units and soon had made a decision on the one that I wanted to purchase for my adventures.
It was a challenge just to purchase the GPS unit as I was not eager to go to the store where other people would be and where I was sure my anxiety would be an issue. I looked for a store that was likely to not be as busy and with my wife’s help I was able to make the trip to the store. We purchased a Garmin GPS unit for a couple hundred dollars and that price alone caused me to feel some pressure about this new adventure having to work or at least help with my anxiety. Money was tight and Michelle, my wife, was working two jobs to get us from point A to point B each month. At home we opened the GPS and loaded the maps onto the unit. Sure enough it searched for and acquired satellites that confirmed I was sitting in my little World again. It knew where I was and I could see everything around me because of the GPS. I punched in names of places I knew and the little handheld GPS confirmed what I had already known, but also told me how to get there and how long it would take for me to get there. I was amazed and curious.
I punched in the co-ordinates for my first geocache that was near my home. The location popped up on the screen and I knew exactly where this place was as it was the playground I used to play in as a child. The anxiety and excitement clashed within me at that point. I wanted to go find it but I didn’t dare to go find it. A battle of go and don’t go was underway. I decided not to go, however the seed was planted. I talked with Michelle about the playground and strategize on where something could be hidden even though I had no idea how big or small or how well hidden a geocache was at this point. The curiosity was slowly gaining the advantage over the anxiety as I became more and more confident that I could complete this adventure and return to my sanctum safely. I decided to go for it the next day.
The night went slowly and I hardly even slept as I just kept imagining the park. The sun finally rose and I fired up the GPS unit and grabbed the geocache print out before heading out the door. I paused before grabbing the door knob knowing I was leaving the safety of my home, but I looked at the GPS and saw where the geocache was located and thought what have I got to loose and headed out the door. Soon I was not thinking or feeling anxiety as it was replaced with excitement. With each and every step the GPS showed me moving in the right direction and the area of the geocache was getting closer. I finally made it to the area and re-read the clues to the location. I looked around and barely noticed the people out walking their dogs or going to their cars to leave for work. I was looking around and doing my best to put the clues together. I poked around here and there but I could not find the geocache. My anxiety started to creep in and I became anxious and eventually went home after a while. I felt disappointed, but then I realized I had been somewhere I had not been in a long time which made me feel good.
Eventually I did find that first geocache in the park and that opened the door for me to want to find more and more of them. I eventually loved the hard to find geocaches and found myself out in areas that had previously been off limits due to my anxiety.
When I was searching for the caches I sometimes did feel the anxiety, but more times than not my mind was thinking about geocaching. Some of the caches even required a certain amount of stealth and it only seemed to add to the adventure and the fun. The GPS unit became my freedom and my buddy. It went to places that were outside of my comfort zone because of my GPS unit and my area of comfort began to grow. I trusted it to provide me with the information to answer some of the “what ifs” that I always had and build my confidence.
Over time I was going further and further from home until I was running out of geocaches. The excitement was also waning as the challenge faded. I started looking for a new adventure to take me places. The GPS provided the confidence and I just needed to provide the adventure. I soon discovered hiking and started out with hikes that were near my home, but those expanded further over time. I remember reading about places in the White Mountains and then finding their location on the GPS unit only to feel that they seemed so far away. I never believed I would ever make it to these places, even if it was for a drive and not to hike, but I kept them in the GPS memory all the same.
In time I was moving further and further away from home and hiking in the woods which were an unknown for a kid who grew up in downtown Portland. Woods eventually became mountains and the mountains were further and further away from home. Each trip was filled with challenges but I was always able to navigate them because I had the GPS to guide me in my travels. I was never lost and always knew my way home. I always knew how long until I got home and if I needed to make a pit stop the GPS told me where to go.
The GPS unit has opened up the World to me. I now am able to go the places that seemed so far away not too long ago and offered me a new freedom. I sometimes look out my window watching the snow fall gently after returning from the mountains knowing that out there on a trail in the woods in a distant place the snow is slowly covering my invisible tracks.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
A dream realized
Snow covered but looming large on the horizon Mount Washington always
stood out to me as a boy. I looked with amazement at the white mound
among the greenery below it that lay between the mountain and me. A
dream began.
I would often find myself stopping on the Western Promenade in
Portland to view Mount Washington. On a clear day it was easy to see
and on other days it was just a shadowy figure in the distance. The
mountain was
always with me though and provided some place for
my mind to wander even on the darkest days. Dreams and fantasy of
wizards and dragons, gladiators and lions, and much more occupied my
mind as I grew up. The themes changed, but in the end the mountain was
always the same in my dreams. A place of dreams, a place of fantasy, a
place of mystery, and a place of death. The roles I played varied from
an explorer, to a mountain climber, to a hero and yes sometimes even a
villain. To me Hercules and Zeus where frequent visitors to the
mountain and on sad days I often imagined sitting on top of Mount
Washington whispering to God who was now not far away at all.
I would wonder as young boys do if I could touch the sun, rope the
moon, or catch a falling star from the top of a place like Mount
Washington. Could I see forever from up there? Would I see an angel?
So many thoughts and so many dreams of a mountain that seemed a World
away. I am not sure why it became so important to me but over the
years it never did fade. The dreams and fantasies may have changed, but
not the calling inside of the mountain. For all the changes in my
World and in my life the mountain was still the same in the distance.
It still would provide hope and an escape.
I gradually knew that I had to go to the mountain to be close to it
and experience it. I eventually drove by the mountain and was amazed
as it was larger than life even as I stood in its shadows. Eventually
a trip up the Auto Road happened and it felt as if I was rising to the
clouds. In fact, I was on day I drove up to the summit. It was seventy
degrees at the bottom of the mountain, but at the top it was foggy and
windy with temps cold
enough to see your breath. I was inside the
mystery and magic of the mountain. I could still only dream of the
view from the top. I was there, but it was truly only a taste of it.
The Auto Road provides an adventure of its own but it was not nearly
enough to satisfy my inner desire.
As my road in life traveled
through my own peaks and valleys the
mountain became a shadow looming in my mind. Anxiety became my sun and
my World revolved around it. In many ways it still does today as the
battle rages on. Nothing is easy for me, nothing is simple, it just
isn't that way. I am truly what I am and working towards what I want
to be and someday I will get there. Dreams truly only die if you let
them. I eventually found something called Geo-caching and that combined
with a GPS unit got me on the move again.
Soon the mountain was visible again and coming to the forefront in my
mind. A little over one year ago I started to hike and the goal from
day one was a goal from long ago-to hike Mount Washington. Now as a 36 year-old adult with
type 2 diabetes, anxiety, and fading dreams of glory, the mountain was
prominent again on my horizon. In fact it slowly blocked out my sun.
I began to hike and remember the first time I looked at the map and
saw the strange lands of Crawford Notch, Franconia Notch, and Pinkham
Notch. Because of my anxiety they seemed as if they were distance lands
so very far away from my reach. Mount Washington was just a dream and
just a goal that I expected to miss like so many others in my life.
The story of almost was one I lived all too often.
Hiking was something I started slowly with at first as I challenged
myself with trails around my home and slowly built my comfort zone
outward. I faced many challenges on the hikes from my anxiety. I was
at times afraid, doubtful, nervous, unsure, scared, faithless, and
confused on all my hikes. So many times I wanted to turn and just go
back to my safety. Let my sun shine down on me. Mount Washington though
blocked my sun more and more
with each and every hike that was inching
my way to its shadows. Eventually the hikes were right with in the
area and the distant lands were no longer mysterious but purely
magical. Each time I visit the White Mountains a spell is cast upon me
that transforms me for at least a little while and maybe more little
by little with each visit.
On my first summit of Pleasant Mountain it was an amazing site to see
Mount Washington as I crested the summit. Standing on top of South
Moat or Keasarge North in the winter gave me stunning views of
Washington. I sat in the Fire Tower on top of Kearsarge North and just
stared at the beauty around me, but Mount Washington was the beauty
among beauties. Mount Pierce in the winter was a winter wonderland
and Mount
Washington looked oh so close but yet so far. Then from
Jefferson and Eisenhower it felt like I could almost touch it but
didn't quite dare. It was a dream, a goal and I expected it to jump
away from me or slip past.
It didn't though as it stood just like it was when I was a boy. I
drove through the White Mountains often over this last year and have
seen some amazing things that I truly am blessed to have seen. The one
thing I kept seeing looming and blocking my sun was still there
waiting for me. Inside I began the battle of can I? I doubted myself
and wondered if I could get past the anxiety to
give it a go.
Then it happened on a beautiful October day. It was unusually warm and
not a cloud in the sky. Ammonousac Ravine here I come!!! I began at
the Cog Railway Base Station and then followed the trail along the
river. It was filled with lush green around me and the sound of water
tumbling downward. The
air was cool and filled with fresh scents of
the forest. Each step was filled with energy and confidence as I
headed to Gem Pool. I came a cross a large rock with a plaque on it
that marked the spot where Herbert Judson Young had passed away. I
paused and prayed before placing a stone upon the top before moving
onward. I finally arrived at the beautiful pool and decided it was a
place to savoir.
After resting and refueling at Gem Pool I began the stair-master to the
AMC Lake of the Clouds hut. This part of the hike was the most physically
demanding and also the part where the anxiety crept in a little. The
stair-master was pretty darn steep, but I reminded myself of the Caps
Ridge Trail and new I could do this trail. The anxiety began to fade
as the other hikes prepared me for this hike. I came to an outlook and
decided it was time for another break. I enjoyed looking out over the
valley. I returned to the stair-master and soon I was at a ladder,
which I climbed. The scramble over slabs replaced the stair-master
part of
the hike. Waterfalls were running down the slabs off to one
side and this was inspiring in itself but then more views opened and I
could see the towers on the summit. My heart was beating fast and hard,
but was it because of the hike or my personal journey?
I broke from the trail to see the AMC Hut in front of me. It was a
very welcome site and I was tired. I rested here for awhile but maybe
not long enough. I was eager to go forward. My dream was only 1.4
miles from me now. I could see ahead why it would be called the "Rock
Pile" as between me and the summit were nothing but rocks.
The last part of the trip was tough as I was tired and my legs wanted
more rest but my heart said go on. I went and paused and went some
more. It was getting closer and closer. I was almost there and could
feel the excitement growing. I felt like the little boy again filled
with hope and promise. I felt no anxiety. Another step, a little
stumble, and another step..... I was there. I REACHED THE SUMMIT!!!! I
looked around and I could see
forever.
Inside I was bursting with joy. Physically drained and emotionally
spent as well. I had battled and battled step after step to the top. I
was on top of the "Rock Pile" but it might as well as have been the
World to me. I quietly thanked God and I think I even heard him say,
"Good
job!!"
Sitting here today a day after the hike I am not sore as I expected
from the journey as I had been on previous hikes but I am rather
content. I am truly happy inside and proud of myself. I realized my
dream and it was as good as I had imagined since I was a little boy
looking to the horizon back in
Portland and back on the Western
Promenade.
stood out to me as a boy. I looked with amazement at the white mound
among the greenery below it that lay between the mountain and me. A
dream began.
I would often find myself stopping on the Western Promenade in
Portland to view Mount Washington. On a clear day it was easy to see
and on other days it was just a shadowy figure in the distance. The
mountain was
always with me though and provided some place for
my mind to wander even on the darkest days. Dreams and fantasy of
wizards and dragons, gladiators and lions, and much more occupied my
mind as I grew up. The themes changed, but in the end the mountain was
always the same in my dreams. A place of dreams, a place of fantasy, a
place of mystery, and a place of death. The roles I played varied from
an explorer, to a mountain climber, to a hero and yes sometimes even a
villain. To me Hercules and Zeus where frequent visitors to the
mountain and on sad days I often imagined sitting on top of Mount
Washington whispering to God who was now not far away at all.
I would wonder as young boys do if I could touch the sun, rope the
moon, or catch a falling star from the top of a place like Mount
Washington. Could I see forever from up there? Would I see an angel?
So many thoughts and so many dreams of a mountain that seemed a World
away. I am not sure why it became so important to me but over the
years it never did fade. The dreams and fantasies may have changed, but
not the calling inside of the mountain. For all the changes in my
World and in my life the mountain was still the same in the distance.
It still would provide hope and an escape.
I gradually knew that I had to go to the mountain to be close to it
and experience it. I eventually drove by the mountain and was amazed
as it was larger than life even as I stood in its shadows. Eventually
a trip up the Auto Road happened and it felt as if I was rising to the
clouds. In fact, I was on day I drove up to the summit. It was seventy
degrees at the bottom of the mountain, but at the top it was foggy and
windy with temps cold
enough to see your breath. I was inside the
mystery and magic of the mountain. I could still only dream of the
view from the top. I was there, but it was truly only a taste of it.
The Auto Road provides an adventure of its own but it was not nearly
enough to satisfy my inner desire.
As my road in life traveled
through my own peaks and valleys the
mountain became a shadow looming in my mind. Anxiety became my sun and
my World revolved around it. In many ways it still does today as the
battle rages on. Nothing is easy for me, nothing is simple, it just
isn't that way. I am truly what I am and working towards what I want
to be and someday I will get there. Dreams truly only die if you let
them. I eventually found something called Geo-caching and that combined
with a GPS unit got me on the move again.
Soon the mountain was visible again and coming to the forefront in my
mind. A little over one year ago I started to hike and the goal from
day one was a goal from long ago-to hike Mount Washington. Now as a 36 year-old adult with
type 2 diabetes, anxiety, and fading dreams of glory, the mountain was
prominent again on my horizon. In fact it slowly blocked out my sun.
I began to hike and remember the first time I looked at the map and
saw the strange lands of Crawford Notch, Franconia Notch, and Pinkham
Notch. Because of my anxiety they seemed as if they were distance lands
so very far away from my reach. Mount Washington was just a dream and
just a goal that I expected to miss like so many others in my life.
The story of almost was one I lived all too often.
Hiking was something I started slowly with at first as I challenged
myself with trails around my home and slowly built my comfort zone
outward. I faced many challenges on the hikes from my anxiety. I was
at times afraid, doubtful, nervous, unsure, scared, faithless, and
confused on all my hikes. So many times I wanted to turn and just go
back to my safety. Let my sun shine down on me. Mount Washington though
blocked my sun more and more
with each and every hike that was inching
my way to its shadows. Eventually the hikes were right with in the
area and the distant lands were no longer mysterious but purely
magical. Each time I visit the White Mountains a spell is cast upon me
that transforms me for at least a little while and maybe more little
by little with each visit.
On my first summit of Pleasant Mountain it was an amazing site to see
Mount Washington as I crested the summit. Standing on top of South
Moat or Keasarge North in the winter gave me stunning views of
Washington. I sat in the Fire Tower on top of Kearsarge North and just
stared at the beauty around me, but Mount Washington was the beauty
among beauties. Mount Pierce in the winter was a winter wonderland
and Mount
Washington looked oh so close but yet so far. Then from
Jefferson and Eisenhower it felt like I could almost touch it but
didn't quite dare. It was a dream, a goal and I expected it to jump
away from me or slip past.
It didn't though as it stood just like it was when I was a boy. I
drove through the White Mountains often over this last year and have
seen some amazing things that I truly am blessed to have seen. The one
thing I kept seeing looming and blocking my sun was still there
waiting for me. Inside I began the battle of can I? I doubted myself
and wondered if I could get past the anxiety to
give it a go.
Then it happened on a beautiful October day. It was unusually warm and
not a cloud in the sky. Ammonousac Ravine here I come!!! I began at
the Cog Railway Base Station and then followed the trail along the
river. It was filled with lush green around me and the sound of water
tumbling downward. The
air was cool and filled with fresh scents of
the forest. Each step was filled with energy and confidence as I
headed to Gem Pool. I came a cross a large rock with a plaque on it
that marked the spot where Herbert Judson Young had passed away. I
paused and prayed before placing a stone upon the top before moving
onward. I finally arrived at the beautiful pool and decided it was a
place to savoir.
After resting and refueling at Gem Pool I began the stair-master to the
AMC Lake of the Clouds hut. This part of the hike was the most physically
demanding and also the part where the anxiety crept in a little. The
stair-master was pretty darn steep, but I reminded myself of the Caps
Ridge Trail and new I could do this trail. The anxiety began to fade
as the other hikes prepared me for this hike. I came to an outlook and
decided it was time for another break. I enjoyed looking out over the
valley. I returned to the stair-master and soon I was at a ladder,
which I climbed. The scramble over slabs replaced the stair-master
part of
the hike. Waterfalls were running down the slabs off to one
side and this was inspiring in itself but then more views opened and I
could see the towers on the summit. My heart was beating fast and hard,
but was it because of the hike or my personal journey?
I broke from the trail to see the AMC Hut in front of me. It was a
very welcome site and I was tired. I rested here for awhile but maybe
not long enough. I was eager to go forward. My dream was only 1.4
miles from me now. I could see ahead why it would be called the "Rock
Pile" as between me and the summit were nothing but rocks.
The last part of the trip was tough as I was tired and my legs wanted
more rest but my heart said go on. I went and paused and went some
more. It was getting closer and closer. I was almost there and could
feel the excitement growing. I felt like the little boy again filled
with hope and promise. I felt no anxiety. Another step, a little
stumble, and another step..... I was there. I REACHED THE SUMMIT!!!! I
looked around and I could see
forever.
Inside I was bursting with joy. Physically drained and emotionally
spent as well. I had battled and battled step after step to the top. I
was on top of the "Rock Pile" but it might as well as have been the
World to me. I quietly thanked God and I think I even heard him say,
"Good
job!!"
Sitting here today a day after the hike I am not sore as I expected
from the journey as I had been on previous hikes but I am rather
content. I am truly happy inside and proud of myself. I realized my
dream and it was as good as I had imagined since I was a little boy
looking to the horizon back in
Portland and back on the Western
Promenade.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Facing the nightmare
Facing the nightmare
I think in life we all have moments that challenge us and even change us. All of us fear something, and while some admit it freely others hope to keep it hidden deep inside of some locked corner of their mind. I have never been shy about my fears and in some ways that has only made me stronger while in others it has made me weaker. I came across one of my nightmares today.
I was off to explore the day and enjoy the foliage. I headed towards the White Mountains with anxiety building with each mile I traveled further away from the comfort zone of my home. Anxiety is a something that I battle at almost every turn of my life. I know that many others suffer from anxiety but for them it is a moment and for me it is often a controlling moment that is not brief. My mind tends to get a hold of something and analyze it over and over looking for potential problems and solutions. A simple thing for another person can send me off into a maze of thoughts that often traps me. Then I just am not able to mentally or physically do what it is I had intended to do until I can solve the problems. This is good and bad to be honest. For some situations having all possible outcomes ready at your disposal is a tremendous advantage when things turn and others are not prepared. At the same time this is also a hampering, disabling problem that I face on things that should be much simpler than I know how to let them be for me. I am trying to change all of this but it is a war and some days I can’t seem to fight while others I am full of fight. I wish I knew the way to charge forward each day.
On my drive to Crawford Notch I encountered traffic in Fryeburg due to the fair and instantly my stomach started to turn. I was simply afraid I would need to use a restroom and couldn’t get to one. However, I talked to my wife and she looked on her pc at work and told me of an alternate route that I could take and I did so. I have a GPS unit I take with me everywhere but I just could not mentally bring myself to use it as the anxiety was taking over. I followed her instructions and soon I was away from the traffic and my mind eased until I thought about my return trip home through all of the traffic. I did my best to shut those thoughts off before they ramped up my anxiety. I told myself that I would take a different route and avoid Fryeburg altogether and this would eliminate the potential traffic problem. Good…problem solved.
I make it to Crawford Notch and the anxiety fades as I feel comfortable here after many visits. I know where the roads lead and where everything I need is located. I decide that hiking up a mountain is not going to happen today because it is cloudy so I head off to a place I just discovered called Pondicherry in Whitefield , N.H. that sounds lovely. The fact I have never been there causes me instant anxiety, but I have the GPS on now and I also have read as much as I can about this particular place online. I am anxious but I have confidence in the answers I am able to provide to the questions my mind is running through as I drive onward.
Soon enough I am at Pondicherry and getting ready to head down the trail which is very much like I had thought it would be from the things I had discovered during my research about it. I decide to go on the light side of hiking equipment due to the flat nature of the trail. It is lengthy enough but I know from my experience that I can cover the flat miles much faster and easier with lighter gear. So that means some food bars, water, camera equipment, a knife, a jacket, cell phone, bear spray, and few other pieces for the journey.
I head out and the trail curves at the start and this is where my anxiety come into play. I often have reoccurring nightmares where I envisioned running into a bear. In my nightmare the bear was as shocked as I was but he was also determined to head in the direction I was standing. My mind raced in the dream as I stood still trying to sort the multitude of possibilities and outcomes. He was still coming towards when I awoke from the nightmare. I lay awake for awhile and sort through my knowledge of black bears and the experiences I have read about bears online plus what I have heard form other hikers. It is a theme I visit often as running into a black bear on the trail is a fear of mine. It causes me anxiety thinking about it. I am not a small man but a black bear is tougher than I am and I know that. So eventually I get back to sleep and there are no more dreams or nightmares of the bears.
Back to the trail, on this trail there is no bear ,as in my nightmare, as I walk around the corner. The trail becomes straight and you can see for a long ways. I notice something white on the trail and then notice an orange hat. I see it is another hiker walking out of woods while I am walking into them and I welcome the chance to talk to someone face to face. I get nervous and anxious in crowds or around people I do not know or often enough even people I know well. I have to rethink the words I say after I am away from people to see if I could have said it better. Just thinking about it now makes me tired. We both keep walking and the distance narrows to about 100 yards when something emerges from the woods between us. My mind flies through possibilities, but only one fits and it flashes in my mind “BEAR DUMMY”!!! I can feel my body chemistry change immediately as adrenaline is dumped into the bloodstream. My eyes widen but my mind slows things down and goes on autopilot. I have told it what to do in this type of scenario which pays off now. I take steps backwards as the bear fully enters the trails. I quickly realize there is enough distance and grab my camera from my pocket. I snap two shots of him crossing before he disappears on the other side of the trail. My heart is racing and now I replace the camera with bear spray as I no longer know where he is but know he is here.
Moments pass and then the other hiker begins to walk again. I see this but my mind tells me to turn and go back to my truck. The anxiety wants me to turn away but I know in my heart that somehow I must go forward. This is a point in my life and in my war that calls for courage. It calls for me to face the fear and the dreaded scenario of possibly running into the bear somewhere else on the trail. I pull up the facts and move forward towards the other hiker. We meet and chit chat about the event we just shared together. He is an older gentleman who had never seen a bear like that before. I felt like telling him that it was me that somehow brought the bear there because of the black cloud that seems to follow me but I decide he doesn’t need to hear that and then I offer to send him a picture of the bear with him in the background. I get his information and then we part ways. I am now where the bear was and I cross his path. I, of course, think I hear him but it could have been a bird for all I know at that point. I mark the spot on my GPS so I will know on the way back that I am here again. I am not sure why I need to know but I need to know that I crossed the spot again. I keep moving forward.
I check often over my shoulder to see if he came back on the trail and decided he wanted to walk with me. No bear and I keep moving forward. On I go and soon I reach my destination. I am afforded a wonderful view for my efforts and I stop to enjoy them. I explore a little more in another direction before I turn and head back to the trail. I now have to walk the walk back into the heart of the battle. I know that I am still afraid and I know the anxiety is now high for me. I faced the fear and did not back down. I came forward and did what I had set out to do despite the fear. I now just needed to face it again and the trail was the path to go forward for me. I went forward and the nerves were there but I made it safely back to my Explorer.
The fact is that I faced a fear of mine and I learned some things today that are important going forward in my life. The trail had bends in it but was mostly straight and there was no side trail to duck off of to change directions. I had to go straight towards, through, and past where my fear had just been before me. I know many times in my life when I have turned from such fears and just walked away. I have let fear and anxiety rule my World. I am not saying I won the war but I did win the battle. I also learned that one step at a time will get me to my fear and then beyond. My choices were simple and I made the choice to go forward. I can travel the same path and now that fear was on that path too. The big bad bear in the nightmare wasn’t there but the bear I feared was there before me. I faced the nightmare and moved forward.
I think in life we all have moments that challenge us and even change us. All of us fear something, and while some admit it freely others hope to keep it hidden deep inside of some locked corner of their mind. I have never been shy about my fears and in some ways that has only made me stronger while in others it has made me weaker. I came across one of my nightmares today.
I was off to explore the day and enjoy the foliage. I headed towards the White Mountains with anxiety building with each mile I traveled further away from the comfort zone of my home. Anxiety is a something that I battle at almost every turn of my life. I know that many others suffer from anxiety but for them it is a moment and for me it is often a controlling moment that is not brief. My mind tends to get a hold of something and analyze it over and over looking for potential problems and solutions. A simple thing for another person can send me off into a maze of thoughts that often traps me. Then I just am not able to mentally or physically do what it is I had intended to do until I can solve the problems. This is good and bad to be honest. For some situations having all possible outcomes ready at your disposal is a tremendous advantage when things turn and others are not prepared. At the same time this is also a hampering, disabling problem that I face on things that should be much simpler than I know how to let them be for me. I am trying to change all of this but it is a war and some days I can’t seem to fight while others I am full of fight. I wish I knew the way to charge forward each day.
On my drive to Crawford Notch I encountered traffic in Fryeburg due to the fair and instantly my stomach started to turn. I was simply afraid I would need to use a restroom and couldn’t get to one. However, I talked to my wife and she looked on her pc at work and told me of an alternate route that I could take and I did so. I have a GPS unit I take with me everywhere but I just could not mentally bring myself to use it as the anxiety was taking over. I followed her instructions and soon I was away from the traffic and my mind eased until I thought about my return trip home through all of the traffic. I did my best to shut those thoughts off before they ramped up my anxiety. I told myself that I would take a different route and avoid Fryeburg altogether and this would eliminate the potential traffic problem. Good…problem solved.
I make it to Crawford Notch and the anxiety fades as I feel comfortable here after many visits. I know where the roads lead and where everything I need is located. I decide that hiking up a mountain is not going to happen today because it is cloudy so I head off to a place I just discovered called Pondicherry in Whitefield , N.H. that sounds lovely. The fact I have never been there causes me instant anxiety, but I have the GPS on now and I also have read as much as I can about this particular place online. I am anxious but I have confidence in the answers I am able to provide to the questions my mind is running through as I drive onward.
Soon enough I am at Pondicherry and getting ready to head down the trail which is very much like I had thought it would be from the things I had discovered during my research about it. I decide to go on the light side of hiking equipment due to the flat nature of the trail. It is lengthy enough but I know from my experience that I can cover the flat miles much faster and easier with lighter gear. So that means some food bars, water, camera equipment, a knife, a jacket, cell phone, bear spray, and few other pieces for the journey.
I head out and the trail curves at the start and this is where my anxiety come into play. I often have reoccurring nightmares where I envisioned running into a bear. In my nightmare the bear was as shocked as I was but he was also determined to head in the direction I was standing. My mind raced in the dream as I stood still trying to sort the multitude of possibilities and outcomes. He was still coming towards when I awoke from the nightmare. I lay awake for awhile and sort through my knowledge of black bears and the experiences I have read about bears online plus what I have heard form other hikers. It is a theme I visit often as running into a black bear on the trail is a fear of mine. It causes me anxiety thinking about it. I am not a small man but a black bear is tougher than I am and I know that. So eventually I get back to sleep and there are no more dreams or nightmares of the bears.
Back to the trail, on this trail there is no bear ,as in my nightmare, as I walk around the corner. The trail becomes straight and you can see for a long ways. I notice something white on the trail and then notice an orange hat. I see it is another hiker walking out of woods while I am walking into them and I welcome the chance to talk to someone face to face. I get nervous and anxious in crowds or around people I do not know or often enough even people I know well. I have to rethink the words I say after I am away from people to see if I could have said it better. Just thinking about it now makes me tired. We both keep walking and the distance narrows to about 100 yards when something emerges from the woods between us. My mind flies through possibilities, but only one fits and it flashes in my mind “BEAR DUMMY”!!! I can feel my body chemistry change immediately as adrenaline is dumped into the bloodstream. My eyes widen but my mind slows things down and goes on autopilot. I have told it what to do in this type of scenario which pays off now. I take steps backwards as the bear fully enters the trails. I quickly realize there is enough distance and grab my camera from my pocket. I snap two shots of him crossing before he disappears on the other side of the trail. My heart is racing and now I replace the camera with bear spray as I no longer know where he is but know he is here.
Moments pass and then the other hiker begins to walk again. I see this but my mind tells me to turn and go back to my truck. The anxiety wants me to turn away but I know in my heart that somehow I must go forward. This is a point in my life and in my war that calls for courage. It calls for me to face the fear and the dreaded scenario of possibly running into the bear somewhere else on the trail. I pull up the facts and move forward towards the other hiker. We meet and chit chat about the event we just shared together. He is an older gentleman who had never seen a bear like that before. I felt like telling him that it was me that somehow brought the bear there because of the black cloud that seems to follow me but I decide he doesn’t need to hear that and then I offer to send him a picture of the bear with him in the background. I get his information and then we part ways. I am now where the bear was and I cross his path. I, of course, think I hear him but it could have been a bird for all I know at that point. I mark the spot on my GPS so I will know on the way back that I am here again. I am not sure why I need to know but I need to know that I crossed the spot again. I keep moving forward.
I check often over my shoulder to see if he came back on the trail and decided he wanted to walk with me. No bear and I keep moving forward. On I go and soon I reach my destination. I am afforded a wonderful view for my efforts and I stop to enjoy them. I explore a little more in another direction before I turn and head back to the trail. I now have to walk the walk back into the heart of the battle. I know that I am still afraid and I know the anxiety is now high for me. I faced the fear and did not back down. I came forward and did what I had set out to do despite the fear. I now just needed to face it again and the trail was the path to go forward for me. I went forward and the nerves were there but I made it safely back to my Explorer.
The fact is that I faced a fear of mine and I learned some things today that are important going forward in my life. The trail had bends in it but was mostly straight and there was no side trail to duck off of to change directions. I had to go straight towards, through, and past where my fear had just been before me. I know many times in my life when I have turned from such fears and just walked away. I have let fear and anxiety rule my World. I am not saying I won the war but I did win the battle. I also learned that one step at a time will get me to my fear and then beyond. My choices were simple and I made the choice to go forward. I can travel the same path and now that fear was on that path too. The big bad bear in the nightmare wasn’t there but the bear I feared was there before me. I faced the nightmare and moved forward.
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