Lloyd's Journey: One man's Journey, one man's battles.

Steps of a Deer

2011-02-19T00:23:00.001-05:00

Steps of a Deer

Today as I walked along a freshly groomed snowmobile trail enjoy the unusually warm February day I came to notice the prints left by a deer that had traveled before at some point during the day. It could have been hours before or mere moments for all I knew but I was certain it was a path we had shared today.

As I continued down the trail my mind increasingly began to wonder where the deer had gone and what a day might be like in the woods if I were a deer. As I looked around there was not much that looked appealing to eat. There was lots of snow that covered the Earth below my feet and hiding any grass that may be worthy to eat. I could chew on bark or maybe nibble on some pine needles. What is that the deer eat?

Soon enough the prints left the trail for a path that was a well worn and had seen many other deer over the course of the winter. I stood and pondered. Where did the path go? A place to sleep, a place to eat? The only way to know was to follow along and see what was further on down the narrow path leading away from the man made trail.

I placed my first step and sunk only a little and then the second, and finally the third which didn’t sink at all. The path was just as firm as the trail. Hoof prints were easily visible but over time they had packed the snow. I walked slowly to try to stay on the narrow path but soon faltered and found myself thigh deep in the snow. I was amazed how deep I went and wondered how long it had taken to make this path so sturdy. It must be followed after each snowfall to keep it well packed. The deer seem to groom their trails too.

I regained my footing up onto the narrow path and continued to walk slowly. I had to duck here or there for a branch hanging low or a twig sticking up from below. I finally came across a place where some deer had come to rest as their scat lay in a pile right on the path before me. I guess a difference or two from the man made trail but then again if we had to step in the deep snow to take care of business I wonder how many of us would.

I continued to walk and soon saw paw prints beside the trail. They were those left by a Coyote some time ago. They continued beside the trail and even the coyote had left behind a present of scat. Full of hair from something it had eaten along its journey through the woods. A sign that life isn’t always pretty here in the woods were I walk on this warm day. We all must eat and we all have our place on the food chain. Life goes on and Nature has its way.

The path headed for a thicket of trees and so I headed there as well. I heard a noise and off scattered a couple deer that where hidden there right before my very eyes. Off they went bounding so gracefully as only deer seem to do out of the thicket and away from me too. I passed through the thicket and found a place all trampled down and much larger than the little path I had just come from just a few steps before.

Now I had entered the place of gathering. This is a place where the deer “yard” and have some protection in numbers or so it would seem. I explored around and found other paths that led to this well hidden place within the thicket.

The trick now was to remember which path was the one for me to head back out to the groomed trail. Lucky for me my boots prints are slightly different then the many hoof prints and soon I was on my way back.

I was about midway back to the trail when I felt eyes upon and after a few more steps I knew it was not my mind playing games but it was that extra sense I feel when I am connected to the World that I love so very much. I stopped and stood still but my heart beat raced faster and faster still. I slowly looked making sure to check each spot thoroughly and soon my eyes met those of a red fox 15 yards away peaking around a tree. As soon as our eyes met my heart began to slow but apparently his did not as he sprang away sprinting across the snow. It was so nimble and quick as it bounced between trees and never broke through the snow. Gone in a flash through the forest to a place unknown as I stood and smiled as yet another fox had escaped the lens of my camera.

I soon was back on the trail and heading to my car. I wondered how it must be for a deer or a moose when something chases them during the winter. They only have a chance if they can stay on their path or one of ours it would seem. Off the path and into the deep snow where the going is slow and draining on anything stuck in it. Something I know from the many times I have tried to go places with no snowshoes only to turn back and go get them. I am no match for waist deep snow and I doubt the deer or moose is for very long either.

Nature has a way and in the end it works out as it is supposed to for the circle of life to keep going. Today I was lucky enough to take the steps of a deer as part of my journey through life and learn a few things along the way. I come away with a greater appreciation for the cycle of life and the steps of a deer.

Quills to the right of me, quills to the left of me, stuck in the middle

2010-10-15T14:44:00.004-04:00

Dusk was coming and the area around me was filled with the sounds of Nature. The birds were chirping and flying from trees and bushes all around. Chasing the flies, mosquitoes, and other insects that were buzzing and hopping from place to place. A chipmunk scoured the ground before me and gave pause on occasion to look up and make sure I was still where he last saw me.

A few deer in the distance went about their grazing and their young fawns played nearby with no worries in the World.

I sat and just enjoyed it all. Nature being natural. So peaceful and so very calming. Mind, body, and soul were all one and my breaths were slow and steady. My mind as clear as it ever could be as I sat simply at peace.

A noise off in the distance beside me awakened my senses and heightened my awareness. Adrenaline began to flow and the noise was steadily getting closer. The fawns stopped playing and the adults went on alert as their ears pointed in the direction of the sound. Their tales now up....ready to run.

The birds had stopped their flying from here to there and back again. Nestling into hiding spots and quieting down. Nature had become still except for the growing noise that continued to get louder and closer.

My heart was beginning to race as I focused my eyes and ears towards the brush and woods directly beside me. I was unsure of what to do next. Fear and calmness fought with the unknown that was coming towards me.

Calmness and a belief in Nature took over as I turned to look one last time at the deer. They stood still and the birds remained quiet. It seemed we all wondered what was approaching.

I took a few steps backwards and then focused the camera on the brush. Whatever it was would be coming out right in front of me. Less then five feet away from me.

Louder and louder, closer and closer, my mind raced through a million scenarios at once with none matching what I was hearing. Was it a bear? Was it something larger or smaller? The unknown and the fear that comes with it was in every fiber of my being. I was not tense and was not afraid but yet I felt fear. Is that even possible? Somehow it was possible.

The shrubs and bushes began to move now and yet I could not make out anything as I looked keenly at them. Studying the movement and trying to figure out the size of the animal within. The beast continued to move forward. I remained steady and silent.

Closer still......just feet from the edge of the brush. My heart beat faster and faster. Suddenly calmness and clarity rushed into my body and mind. Yet I could not see what was coming.

The brush at the edge begins to move and out pops the head of a porcupine. It was moving slowly and steadily towards me. My mind raced with the question of could they throw their quills? Either direction there would be quills to the right of me and quills to the left of me. My mind became clear that they could not throw them at me and my only danger was if I touched him.

I dared fate and lay down before the slow moving porcupine. I snapped picture after picture until it was within two feet of me when it finally noticed me. Quills went straight up and so did the hair in my arms. I came up from laying slowly to a kneel as it passed by me and then climbed a tree not far away. I snapped a few more pictures before sitting back where I had been before.

Slowly Nature returned to the calm state of before and the deer began to graze again, the birds began their chirping and flying, the sun was setting and the sky was beautiful. Peace was here again...........

Running with the Moose

2010-10-15T11:30:00.003-04:00

There he was in a field off of Rte 113 in Baldwin standing tall and proud. A young bull moose with a decent sized rack. I pull to the side of the road and this seemed to be his cue to cross the road and head into the thicker woods on the other side. I hopped out of the car with the camera in my hands and fired off a couple of quick shots before it was in the woods.

I ran across the road and straight into the woods where the moose had gone. As soon as I entered I could hear him ahead and ran after the sounds. He heard me and picked up his pace as well. The noise from each of us spurring on the other to go faster.

My heart beat and adrenaline were both on the rise dramatically. I am sure his were too. I was hoping we would end up in a clearing where I would be able to get some shots of this great animal out in the opening. The pictures running through my mind were amazing, peaceful, and graceful all at the same time.

It was at about this time that a loud grunt came from my immediate left. I spun towards the sounds and there was the moose. Just feet from me. At first fear did not strike me but rather the beauty of the beast was all I could see. The color of his brown eyes where striking as they looked directly into my own blue eyes.

Another grunt and shuffling of his hooved feet set my mind mind back to reality. DANGER!!! DANGER !!! My mind and heart screamed.

The moose began to move and then run but luckily for me it choose a different direction then mine. I had been warned and nothing more. Luck had been on my side.
I watched intently as he disappeared again before my eyes.

Then my body finally reacted as I realized I was not breathing and was standing still in what felt like a deep freeze. I sucked in a huge gulp of air and then began looking for my heart which had apparently jumped from my body.

Slowly I made my way back to the road. I was still excited and yet scared as well. It had been a remarkable experience where luck was on my side or maybe the moose somehow knew I meant it no harm but it had better things to do during rutting season then pose for pictures.

I was back near the car and picking off various thorns and snags on my pants when a feeling of relief came over me and then a smile reached my face. I laughed gently as I realized I had just run with a moose.

Breathtaking Walk in Fall

2010-09-29T18:33:00.015-04:00

Fall is one of the most beautiful times of the year. The weather is cooler and yet the skies still shine so blue that one would expect warmth to follow. As I parked my car and gathered my camera gear to go for my walk I did notice that despite the date there was certainly a bit of humidity in the air and still the sounds of bugs hummed around me.

I began to walk and quickly noticed the beautiful colors around me. It certainly was not peak foliage but the beauty of the evergreens and green leaves mixed with reds, yellows, and oranges of the changing leaves made for a painting before me.

Mushrooms grew large and seemingly out of control along the start of the trail. Different colors and shapes that offered their own beauty for one to enjoy.

The first opening I came upon a Kingfisher that let me know of its displeasure as it flew off to a new and distant perch. A pair of Goldfinches landed on a dead snag and tweeted their beautiful little song. The water was calm with reflections crystal clear and perfect replicas of their real life counterparts.

As I continued on a dragonfly buzzed around me ,as big as a helicopter and every bit as agile, and certainly got my attention with its large size. It landed on a leaf before me. It was a magical moment of Nature's beauties coming together. The dragonfly with colors of blues and black combined with glistening wings set upon a leaf with red and green bursting colors. I watched in amazement as it clung to the leaf and the arrangement just seemed as if out of a fairy tale or a dream. I was able to watch for as long as I wanted and snap images to my content. I decided to move on and the perfect arrangement stayed together as I moved past.

Puddles with reflections of colorful leaves soon appeared. Frogs that lined the edge of the pools hopped back in to hide in the mud colored water as I moved past.

The further I went the more peaceful I felt and the smell of the forest was becoming stronger. Filling my senses more and more, each step the smell of pine and the freshness after a rain crept further and further into me. Up ahead movement caught my eye and I slowed my pace.

A few Juncos danced among the branches calling to one another. I made my own calls and soon Chickadees appeared too. A Crow joined the fray with its loud CAW CAW CAW and even a little bright yellow Warbler flew in for a view. As I continued to call even a nuthatch or two came forth followed by one Blue Jay too. So many sounds, so much to enjoy!!!

As I stop my calls the birds slowly disappear. Soon the forest is almost quiet. My ears now pick up new sounds with my heightened senses as I can now even hear the leaves landing as they fall from the trees. My senses fully alive and my body bursting with energy.

I surge at a snail's pace down the trail. A creek meanders under a bridge as I pass over it. In no hurry to go anywhere the creek flows gently until it fades into the distance. I continue until suddenly...

NOISE erupts before me. Wing beats.....FLAP FLAP DRUM DRUM FLAP DRUM until a Ruffed Grouse explodes from the bushes in front of me and straight up towards the trees across the trail narrowly missing a large pine before it disappears as if it were a ghost. As my head turns quickly back to the new noise coming through the brush my eyes meet those of a Gray Fox now on the trail before me. A brief pause before it darts back into the thicket and off towards safer grounds. The noise begins to fade but it is not quiet at all.

My outer being was calm and steady but my insides jumped from me like I had SEEN a ghost. Now my heart beating replaced all other sounds and my breath was taken.

I slowly made my way back towards the car. Each step suddenly had to be controlled and slowed to have my body return to normal from the outer body experience it just had! Soon enough nurturing Nature and her sounds returned to me. A leaf caught in a spider web caught my eye. The rest of the walk was magical.

A Snowy Moment

2010-09-22T09:42:00.004-04:00

A Snowy Moment.

It was a cold winters day as my friend Naomi and I headed into Salisbury Beach State Park in Massachusetts. We had set out on a mission or maybe it was more of a hope and a dream to see Snowy Owls and White Winged Crossbills that had been reported at the park.

Neither of had ever traveled here and we did not have a clue as to wear to look for and both birds would certainly be new ones for both of us too. As we entered the park we were greeted with a Mockingbird surprisingly still singing despite the cold weather and frozen white covered ground. We drove further and were greeted with our first crossbills hanging in trees and eating pine cones. Red and Green birds with hooked split bills enjoy the cones. What a fascinating site to see them take a piece of cone and use that special bill to split open the pine and grab its nourishment. It was stunning to see them so soon and so close. A treat for sure.

Back in the warm car we headed deeper into the park and a few little birds scattered off from the side of the road. Snow Buntings!! Another bird I had only seen once. They are a cute little bird that you only see in the winters around here.

Still deeper into the park we went. On the left suddenly appeared a large group of photographers and gawkers in a circle around a mound of dune grass and snow. Seeing so many people we chose to keep going in our hunt for the Snowy Owl and anything else we may run into. So we drove but an urging to go back to the swarm of people and see why everyone was in a circle seemingly worshiping something at the center.

I turned around and we found a place to park in a snowing and icy parking lot amongst the gaggle of cars. As we got out with our camera gear and walked towards the circle the feeling within me grew strong and slowly a shape began to emerge on the top of the mound partially covered by dunes. Could it be!!! I looked at Naomi and mouthed “Snowy”! Both of us smiled as we made our way into the circle.

One lone Snowy Owl was the center of attention for some 30 plus photographers and birders in a full circle around the dune. Nobody was within 50 yards as everyone seemed to know that sharing the moment with the Snowy was a truly magical moment. Such a beautiful bird that seemed content to rest in the center of a special little World of people seeming to worship the haloed great white bird.

Time seemed to stand still and the cold was held at bay somehow as well. Was it a warmth from the beauty that was before us? Barely any words were said as people just watched and starred in awe. Each twitch or movement of the head seemed to move the crowd with either fear of the bird leaving or maybe just because of the majesty.

Slowly the crowd thinned and thinned till there were just a few of us left. I have a great patience but I also had a great sense that something truly special was about to happen. The crowd now down to Naomi, myself, and one other photographer. A truck salting the road pulled into the parking lot and it startled the Snowy who took flight and headed off. I keenly watched the bird as it flew with the idea of relocating to watch it a little more. I was enjoy the time without so many others. I could feel a stronger connection.

The bird landed a hundred yards or so away, closer to the edge of the dune grass and beach. I did not move towards it but rather watched the other photographer. I do not know if he did not see it land or just did not want to chase it, but he headed for the car. I could feel then that my moment was coming. I pointed to Naomi where I thought it landed and she, of course, was watching as well. I began to make my way and in my excitement I outpaced Naomi. We normally split and she takes in what she wants as I do myself.

Walking through snow that often was knee deep I headed to a boardwalk that led to the beach. It was snowy and crunchy. I knew I needed to walk slow and exude calmness from my mind and body posture. As I neared where I thought the owl had landed I began to give off a lower profile and lowered the rim of my hat to hide me eyes.

OH my GOD!!! There it was just off the edge of the boardwalk. I raised the camera and took a few shots and then slowly slithered towards the owl and a better view. It looked at me and our eyes meet briefly before I lowered my head in difference to the beautiful owl. I slithered forward still and came to a stop some 30 feet from it. Naomi was on the boardwalk but being cautious as she saw how close I was and is always thoughtful when I am trying to get “the shot”.

My heart was pounding with excitement and I hoped I could hold the lens steady enough for some great shots. I slowly lifted my head and my eyes became exposed only to be met by those of the Snowy Owl. Eye to eye….nothing seen on either side except the other. A connection pulsed through my mind and into my bloodstream. My heartbeat slowed and my mind came at ease. Slow the owl turned from side to side checking out the surroundings. It was showing me a true trust by not flying away and by turning its head away from me. This seemed to last forever and I truly do not know the length of time. I do know it was truly magical.

Our eyes met again and this time the engagement lingered. It was just the two of us truly sharing a moment. What was it thinking? Feeling? I was feeling warmth and a safety, an acceptance.

As the owl turned its head away and then back one more time I knew it was time for this to end. Then two Snow Buntings flew past the owl and off he took in flight after the possible meal that presented itself. I was able to get images of it flying off simply because the connection between us allowed me to read the owl and the upcoming flight.

A truly magical moment that I will never forget and will always keep it close to my heart. An owl and I sharing a few moments where there was nothing else in the World except one another. A gift to cherish.

Silent Thunder

2010-09-07T19:49:00.005-04:00

It had been awhile since I had walked in the woods and listened to the sounds surrounding me. Life has been busy with shows and getting product to stores amongst other things. The canoe had become a mode of travel more often as I searched for loons with young chicks for most of August and then the shores for shorebirds beginning to migrate south for the upcoming winter. Things were changing but my desire to be in the woods was not lessening and in fact was growing each day.

Today was the day I returned to the woods. I walked a trail not far from my home in Steep Falls. A trail I had walked many times was one I was happy to return too. As I began to walk I could feel my heart race and my mind searching for something.

I needed to slow down and just take it all in as my mind and heart was trying to process all the sites and sounds at once. They are best processed individually and slowly. Then you can become part of the World you are in and I had slipped from the World I love back to a World with concrete and steal, hustle and bustle. A World so far from the one I love and the one I missed.

Each step I could feel my mind and heart slowly and the World around me coming back into focus. I could hear the birds before I could see them and the feel of the ground became known again. My steps would become more silent with each passing moment. My heart and mind slowed to the beat of the woods around.

As I headed down the trail I could sense life around me again and I knew I was not alone. A Red Tailed Hawk flew just feet from me across the path to another perch and we did this for awhile. It stayed just ahead of me leading the way. When I decided to stop he flew onward. I stood and listened to the chipmunks calling and the leaves rustling from a snake I soon found. A frog let out a peep and dove for the water after seeming to notice my presence kneeling just feet away. I was connected again. I was alive. Mother Nature's heart beat was one with mine again.

I walked to the top of a knoll that overlooks a pond and below were three Wood Ducks. A flash from a nearby tree turned into my friend the hawk, making a dive towards the now shrieking and scattering ducks. The hawk swooped back up to a new perch 50 yards away and I laughed as I knew he was truly blaming me for the failed attempt but yet my presence was not threatening to it.

The sun was beginning to go down and the clouds were thickening. I turned and enjoy the slow stroll back from where I had came and determined not to slip back into the World of mans creation. As I started back up the hill I knew I was not alone and I could feel eyes upon. Not in a way that was creepy but simply that I was being watched. Watched as I would watch another part of Nature. I kept moving till I found a nice place to stop where I could see more.

I stood still and silent. I slowed my breathing and could feel my body going into a deep calm. I watched the woods before me and the sounds were like pieces of a puzzle falling into place as I understood what was watching me and where. Deer were just inside the woods and parallel to where I had been walking. Slowly the sounds continued to come closer to the edge and I could make out the deer. One, two, three, four, and more....

One appeared out of the woods and into the clearing not far from me. Our eyes met and I felt welcomed. A second started to emerge and then a loud crack behind me. A tree snapped. Things fall in the woods and the moment was broken. Fear shot through me as it did the deer who now thundered off through the woods. Hooves pounding, branches cracking and snapping.....thundering through the forest unseen.

As my heart slowed and calm return the deer sounds faded. Silence was broken by a crow cawing as it flew overhead. Blue Jays soon sang too and I decided it was time to continue heading out.

The sun was directly in my eyes and I lowered the bill of my hat to block the sun. Slowly walking enjoying the last moments of a beautiful setting sun. Then I feel the urge to stop and so I listen to that urge as I always do. Before back lit by the sun is a doe. She walks silently from one side of the clearing to the other. Stopping once and looking in my direction, bending to take a bite of the grass and then continuing before disappearing back into the woods on the other side of the trail.

A silent moment we shared and one for me to savor. A sign I think that meant it was understood it was not I who produced the fear but I like the deer shared the fear of a moment in the woods. Mother Nature and I connected today. Gone were the steal and concrete, the hustle and bustle to be replaced by the heart beat of life, the heart beat of Nature, and my heart beat again. Peace...Nature nurtures.

Apples for a Deer

2010-08-24T01:45:00.004-04:00

8-21-10 Pinkham Notch, NH

As I drove towards NH on a trip to help a friend run a booth at a Pow Wow my nerves stirred and my stomach tossed and turned. Anxiety was beginning to dig into my every being. I tried breathing and peaceful thoughts. The road traveled on and on.

Soon enough I was in Pinkham Notch and making my way to the half way point and sweat was starting to appear on my forehead. I needed something to ease my mind. Something to break the tightening grip anxiety was gaining on me.

Past the Highland Center, past the Auto Road, past the campground, and past the Ranger Station. Whoa there.....

No not past the Ranger Station. Something caught my eye and I pulled to the side of the road. I wasn't sure what or if I really saw something but I was drawn. So I step out of the car and grab the camera. I slowly walk towards the area that caught my eyes. I seeing nothing and I hear nothing but yet I move forward. My anxiety slipping to the rear of my mind as I begin to focus on little movements through the trees.

I take the wide turn and suddenly I see a young Buck tucked around some trees. I get to a decent angle and he has yet to bolt. A good sign and a good feeling. Suddenly his head raises and he knows I am there. Our eyes meet but there is no fear. Just a simple understanding of we are both here and that it is ok.

Suddenly he stands on his hinds legs and lurches into the tree awkwardly. I am sure he is about to go but I am wrong as he lands back on the ground with a green apple securely in his mouth. He drops it to the ground and then proceeds to eat it. An amazing site to see.

Anxiety is now gone and replaced with total excitement. I just saw a deer stand and pick and apple! How cool was that I think.

I move forward as the deer begins to scout the tree again. Amazingly we are both narrowing the distance between us as he is walking to my side of the trees. Now just a mere 15 yards apart out eyes meet again. I bow my head in deference to the young buck. This afteral his terrain and I am just an observer as long as he allows.

He looks up and then looks at me. I kneel to show I am no threat and he looks back into the tree and spots just the right apple. Up again and into the tree. Down again he eats the apple.

I sit in amazement as this show happens before and is almost too close for me to get all of him in the camera frame. I do not feel fear and the buck shows no signs of fear either. There is an acceptance and an understanding.

Again he take a few steps in my direction. Other cars pass us on busy Rte 16 but no t a soul interrupts our moment. Again he looks directly at me and then to the tree. Again up and down with the apple. So close now I can hear the crunching as he chews it.

He looks up and picks up an apple that was laying on the ground and swallows this one whole. His ears go up and so does his tail. No he is alert and so am I but I do not feel fear.

I know without looking exactly what is happening and he bolts for the woods next to us. A car has pulled to a stop.

My anxiety now gone I can carry on my journey. A smile on my face and a warmth in my heart.

All it took were apples for a deer.

You may see the images of this encounter here........

Beats

2008-10-17T22:16:00.001-04:00

Deep within my heart the darkness lurks.
A place of pain.
A place of fear.
Shattered dreams.
Tattered hopes.

Deep within my heart the darkness lurks.
A place where I feel no more.
A place where the key is gone.
A place where it is cold.
A place where despair rains.

This, yes this sad place existed.
Yes existed deep within me.
Till the day I looked at you. Something inside began to change.
Just one glance, one meeting of the eyes.
Something changed deep inside.

You saw deep inside me, down to the core.
I wanted to turn away.
I wanted to hide the despair.
I wanted to run.
Yet I couldn't run, turn, or move.
I just looked within you.

Then and there it all changed.
The darkness began to fade.
Candles began to burn.
I began to feel.
Alive in the darkened recesses of my heart.

A pulse was born.
Slowly becoming stronger.
Beating louder.
Not something I could ignore.

Walls seemingly made of stone.
Now seemed to fall like grains of sand.
Sand that could stand the test of time.
The test of a true love right before me.
Looking deep within me.
The walls fell and all I could do is what.

Now the walls are gone.
The darkness no longer rules.
I am an open book.
Open only to you.
My love is yours to have.
My soul craves to be with yours.
A new heart beats with love.
Beats with hope.
Beats with dreams.
Beats, beats, simply beats now because of you.

Slippin Way.

2008-10-17T21:45:00.000-04:00

Lifes just slippin away
Passin me bye
Another day goes bye
Slippin from day to night
And im no closer to figurin it out
One more gone.
Not down and out.
But still struggling ti give adman.
I ain’t got no plan.
This life is just slippin away.
Days turn to night.
There aint no light.
Darkness invades deep within.
Just slippin away.
Ready to fade away.
Not caring about today.
Not dreaming about tomorrow.
Then there was you.
You change it all.
Made night turn to day.
Darkness began to fade away.
Before I knew it.
Before I could fight it.
I gave a damn again.
You did it.
Cuased me to care again.
Caused me to dream.
To believe.
No the days aren’t slippin away.
The moments drag when you are away.
Time seems to slow till I am with you.
Then the magic begins all over again.
Damn look what you did.
Made me believe again.
Its all cause of you.
It aint slippn away.
I am fallin for you.
In love like never before.
Daring to dream.
Loving you.
You.

That Night

2008-10-17T21:44:00.000-04:00

That night………….

He led her by the hand. Her eyes were covered with a soft silk wrap. He had scented it with his cologne to further entice her and to block the scent off where they were going. Her ears heard the sounds of soft and gentle tunes from the IPod he had placed upon her ears. She walked slowly unsure of her steps but trusting in his guidance. One foot in front of the other as he led the way towards the unknown which was arousing her. She tried to feel the ground beneath her feat for a clue but she could not tell anything but that it was a path.

He smiled as he walked with her and admired the sight she was now. She was purely beautiful in every way with her brown hair getting caught in the light breeze which also pushed her dress tightly against her body. He loved the shape it revealed and he enjoyed looking and knowing she could not see him looking her up and down. The dress was cut modestly and the hint of her subtle breasts was driving him crazy. The slit in the dress came to a point that bordered on decency but also where a hint more would provoke the thoughts of men’s mind to race towards insanity. He was throbbing for her and reached to pull her near him. Yet he had to resist, for now, as they were not there yet. No not yet……….this would be memorable for both of them. She would never be the same after this night and neither would he…….

When I was A BOY

2008-10-17T21:42:00.000-04:00

When I was a boy I used to dream.
I dreamt I would have it all.
The World would be mine.
It was all in my control.

I developed a plan.
That would bring me to the promised land.
One step at a time.
It would all be mine.

Dreaming and dreaming how it could be.
Dreaming how it would be.
Following my plan.

When I was a boy I used to dream.
I dreamt I would have it all.
The World would be mine.

One day I realized the dreamt isn’t as it began.
Time had changed it all so it seemed.
Where did I go wrong?
What happened to it all?

Dreams of a boy.
Changing as I became a man.
Life didn’t follow the plan.
Gone are the days of dreaming to be the King of it.
Now I am just hoping to sleep in the streets in front of all.

Where did I go wrong and how did I fall?
I had a dream and boy have I had a fall.
Life isn’t as simple as it seems.
I dreamt I had it all.
Never dreamt of the fall.

When I was a boy I used to dream.
I used to dream I’d have it all.
Have it all.

all there is

2008-04-22T18:29:00.001-04:00

All There Is

Standin at the gates to Heaven
Lookin for the answers to getting in
The fires of hell are burnin at my heels
Lifes full of twists n turns
Here I am at the end
Just wondering how it is gonna be
My life, my world, my destiny
All hang here in the balance
Standin at the gates to heaven
Hell burnin up my heels
Caught in a no mans land
Where did I go wrong?
Is it one moment that sealed my fate?
Was it the story of my life that has been told?
Standin at the gates to heaven
Hell burnin at my heels
In a no mans land
No answers to save me
Save me from this fateless eternity
The sands of time have fallen
They fell thru the glass so fast.
It is just a blur now.
Lookin back ain’t gonna do me no good.
I am here now.
Fate is not in my hands now
Sands of time….slipped away.
Here today, gone tomorrow.
Standin at the gates to heaven
With hell burnin at my heels.
There aint no redo.
Aint no going back.
There here and now is all there is..
All there is ….

impossible

2007-12-29T20:47:00.000-05:00

IMPOSSIBLE

A word to deny you, discourage you...........to make you doubt yourself.

Look beyond and look within.

I -M-Possible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Break it apart...break it down.

Do it!!!

amazing monarch

2007-12-29T20:46:00.002-05:00

Monarch Butterfly: An amazing journey and a future in doubt

I. Introduction:

Monarch butterflies by the hundreds were in the field before me. It was a sight that was simply beautiful and breathtaking. Why were they all here though? Did they come here to die together? The purpose was a mystery to me. The answer was even more magical than I could have imagined. They were heading home to ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Central Mexico where they spend the winters. This was a mass migration in progress. Wikipedia lists the Monarch butterfly's scientific name as Danaus plexippus, which in Greek literally means "sleepy transformation" (Wikipedia 2007). According to the article "Monarch Butterflies" on the World Wildlife Organization web site, the name, which evokes the species' ability to hibernate and metamorphism, actually inspired by a Greek myth called Danaus. His daughters flee Libya for Greece in order to avoid marrying their cousins (WWO 2007). The long, migratory journey of the Monarch butterflies is reminiscent of their flight. Where were they going? Why were they going? There are many theories about the journey taken by monarchs but there is no complete answer as mysteries remain. Their future is also in question.

II. The Cycle of Life:

"A flight of butterflies" by Jonathan Weiner talks about how the Monarch butterflies have a complete life cycle that takes them through a complete metamorphosis. This metamorphosis involves four different cycles or stages which are egg stage, larva/caterpillar stage, pupa, and adult stage. The adult monarch lives only a short time ranging from four to five weeks (Weiner 57). The U.S. Dept. of Agriculture's Forest Service web site makes clear the monarchs that leave in the fall are not the same monarchs that left Mexico last spring or even the ones that were around in the middle of the summer. This migrating generation which is sometimes called the "Methuselah generation" is headed back to Mexico is some 3 or more generations removed from the ones that began the journey from the overwintering site in the spring (USDA.FS 2007). Taking a moment or two to let this sink in, one truly begins to understand the amazing journey back to Mexico. The monarchs that leave in the fall have never been where they are going and there is no leader to show them the way. This is a journey that may be as far as 3,000 miles according to the U.S. Dept. of Agriculture's Forest Service web site (USDA.FS 2007).

In "Migration of the Masses" Dalrymple and Gottfried discuss how the monarch butterfly adapts to survive. Nature or evolution has helped them make there journey by adapting their life cycle. The last generation born is different than the others over the summer. This last generation is in a reproductive dormancy that will aid the journey south. It will help the monarch conserve energy that is needed for the flight. Not only are they in a different sexual state but their life span has increased greatly as well. The migrating butterflies live seven or eight months. They make the journey and then "hibernate" at the overwintering site. Then when spring returns they finish their sexual growth, mating takes place, and new generations begin the flight northward with adults again only living four to five weeks (Dalrymple and Gottfried 1995).
The northward monarchs in the spring lay eggs that become grow to adults and the progression northward continues its progress until fall comes again (USDA.FS 2007). Normally three or four more generations will have evolved again before the migrating southward starts again. This also helps to build the population for the long journey that awaits this insect in the fall. It is the only insect that migrates this far and losses of population need to be replenished each year.

III. Masses on the move
As many as 300 million monarchs will make their way to the overwintering in Central Mexico in the Transvolcanic Plateau. The migration starts in August and continues through November and even December (Rankin 46). There are an unknown number of losses along the way from dangers in such a long journey. Storms, predators such as birds, and even humans (vehicles are not butterfly friendly) take their toll on the migrating monarchs (Hanson, To, Nguyen 1). If that is not enough they face more danger in Mexico where weather can play a larger role in killing thousands more monarchs through strong storms, temperature, and even snow may be present as they complete their journey. Those that make the journey are tired and ready to hibernate in the fickle conditions of the Transvolcanic Plateau.

They feed heavily on the nectars of flowers to sustain their daily journeys. "There does not appear to be a social grouping in the migration and monarchs may fly alone for up to six hours a day. They do not fly at night as they stop to rest in suitable trees (Dalrymple and Gottfried 36)." They have been measured at some 12 miles per hour and average 50-100 miles per day but the longest recorded one day total is an amazing 265 miles(USDA.FS 2007). The migration can take up to two months to complete (USDA.FS 2007).

The monarchs are believed to use a combination of things to get them where they need to go such as the Earth's magnetic field, the sun, and physical land forms (Hardman 3). They are able to orientate their direction by the location of the sun throughout the day and throughout their journey.

Researchers have even found small pieces of magnetite inside of the monarch's body. This naturally occurring magnet used to be called lodestone and was used in early compasses (Hardman 3). It is believed this small piece of iron that is affected by the Earth's magnetic field is a big piece in the migration of the monarchs (Etheredge 85). They are able to follow the magnetic field. This does not answer all of the questions though on how they travel.

Once the monarchs reach the mountains of Mexico they turn left and follow the mountains. This is crucial as the mountains lead to adequate supplies of food and water before eventually leading to their overwintering sites (Hardman 3). If they did not turn precisely towards their over wintering site as they enter Mexico they would fly directly into the Pacific Ocean, away from the shelter and food to survive the winter. The Sun helps guide them as does the Earth's magnetic field but how do they know to turn at that precise spot? It is believed they switch their navigational tools and now follow land forms such as the mountains (Hardman 3).

It is this unique combination that makes the migration possible for the monarch to reach the sites where it can survive the winter and keep the species going for generations to come.

V. Home and Their Future:

The long journey south ends at the wintering sites located in Mexico's high altitude fir forests of the Transvolcanic Range. "In this 20-by-40-mile strip of mountains, hundreds of millions of monarch butterflies find refuge in a dozen patches of forest at elevations of around 10,000 feet (Rankin 46)." This range is unique and yet the possibility exists that it could be gone as Mexico tries to balance the needs of the monarch with the needs of the farmers who desire the Oyamel fir trees. Only two of eleven known roosting sites are well protected today (USDA.FS 2007).

The battle to protect their home in the Oyamel forest is complicated as it puts human needs versus the monarch's needs. It is a battle the monarch's are not capable of fighting and yet is one they can not lose. The battle truly comes down to money and the farmers need for additional income (Brower et al. 346). In "Quantitative Changes in Forest Quality in a Principal Overwintering Area of the Monarch Butterfly in Mexico, 1971-1999" discusses how the Oyamel trees are valuable and harvesting them provides needed income. The current battle is trying to convince the farmers that there is another way to make money and leave the monarch habitat in place. The idea is to convert some of the farming areas into tourist locations. If the farmers can be convinced to see money by protecting the monarchs then the battle to protect the monarchs becomes easier. Currently, despite regulations and laws to protect the monarchs the forest is slowly disappearing (Brower et al. 346). Money wins the battle even if slowly.
As Hanson, To, and Nguyen make clear in their piece, "The migratory behavior of the monarch butterfly", the problems facing the monarchs are not limited to Mexico and their overwintering sites (Hanson, To, Nguyen 1). In Canada, on the other end of their northern range, has declared milkweed a noxious weed and it is illegal to grow it. If it is found in either public or government land it is destroyed. Monarchs only feed and lay their eggs on the milkweed. The Canadian Government has recently begun to make some butterfly reserves where milkweed is allowed (USDA.FS 2007).

In the United States milkweed is considered a nuisance and often is destroyed. Farmers kill it with pesticides and land that used to be left to wild flowers is often now replaced with grasses to look more appealing. The monarchs are facing a tough battle (USDA.FS 2007).

A reason for the battle is the fact that monarchs and their unique nature has only recently come to light. "Lepidopterists have been watching throngs of fluttering monarchs since at least the 1850's, but not until 1930 were scientists able to conclude with certainty that monarchs migrate south for winter and north in early spring (Rankin 46)." "Much of what biologists know is brand new (Rankin 46)." It was only in 1976 that Lincoln Brower even found the monarchs winter sites (Rankin 46).

He and his colleagues climbed to 9,000 feet, where they entered chill, foggy Oyamel fir forest. "We walked in along this trail that went down along a ridge for a mile, and we didn't know exactly where the butterflies were," Brower recalls. Then, abruptly, the deep greens of the firs were lost in a dazzling cataract of orange, and Brower realized he was looking at a wall of butterflies. "I couldn't believe the density and numbers," he says. "The next day it warmed up, and when the sun came up, the butterflies were flying all over the place. It was like walking into the Charles Cathedral and seeing light coming through the stained glass-windows. This was the eight wonder of the World." (Rankin 46)

VI. Conclusion:

Hanson, To, and Nguyen quote Feltwell from his book "The Natural History of Butterflies. Facts on File. Inc." published in 1986 that, "No other animal is more typical of a healthy environment, nor more susceptible to change, than a butterfly" (Hanson, To, Nguyen 1). These beautiful butterflies that make a miraculous journey are vulnerable to nature but their biggest threat is human nature. We must decide before they are gone if we can truly afford to lose them forever. Despite our ever changing World of concrete and technology they have survived and that is admirable. However, they cannot survive the loss of habitat and money should not be allowed to be the reason.

Works Cited
1. Brower, Lincoln. "Quantitative Changes in Forest Quality in a Principal Overwintering Are of the Monarch Butterfly in Mexico, 1971-1999".

_Conservation Biology_ 16.2 (2002) 346-59. _Academic Search Primer_.

EBSCOhost. SMCC Library, S.Portland, ME. 11 October 2007

< http://web.ebscohost.com/ehost/detail?vid=7&hid=15&sid=4d6135db-c69a-4aab-ad2c-ab82e62ed816%40sessionmgr3>.

2. Dalrymple, Marcus. "Migration of the masses".

_Geographical_ 16.3 (1995) 36-39. _Academic Search Primer_.

EBSCOhost. SMCC Library , S.Portland, ME.

11 October 2007 .

3. Hardman, Chris Mackey. "Magnetic Migration".

_Americas_ 50.6 (1998) 3. _Academic Search Primer_.

EBSCOhost. SMCC Library. S.Portland,ME. 11 October 2007

< http://web.ebscohost.com/ehost/detail?vid=10&hid=15&sid=4d6135db-c69a-4aab-ad2c-ab82e62ed816%40sessionmgr3>.

4. Rankin, Bill. "On the track of the monarch butterfly".

_National Wildlife_ 35.3 (1997) 46-52. _Academic Search Primer_.

EBSCOhost. SMCC Library. S.Portland, ME.

11 October 2007. .

5. Etheredge, Jason. "Magnetic Personalities".

_Economist_ 353.8147 (1999) 85. _Academic Search Primer_.

EBSCOhost. SMCC Library. S.Portland, ME. 11 October 2007.

.

6. "Monarch Butterflies." _World Wildlife Organization_. 15 October 2007.

.

7. "Monarch Butterfly." _Wikipedia._ 27 November 2007. Wikimedia Foundation. 28 November 2007.< http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monarch_butterfly>.

8. Hanson, Karen, Nicki Nguyen, and Hein To. "The Migratory behavior of the Monarch Butterfly." _Butterfly Website_ 30 October 2007

.

9. United States Department of Agriculture:Forest Service. "Monarch Butterfly North America's Migrating Insect." 27 August 2007. _Washington: U.S. Dept. of Agriculture:Forest Service_. 29 November 2007.

< http://www.fs.fed.us/monarchbutterfly/>.

10. ..> --> D(["mb","..u003cdiv style..u003d.."direction:ltr.."..>..u003cspan class..u003dsg..>..u003cbr /..>..u003cbr /..>--..u003cbr /..>New Online Store!!! Visit it today. Lloyd..'s Journey prints, calendars,..u003cbr /..>tiles, cards, and more!!!..u003cbr /..>..u003cbr /..>..u003ca onclick..u003d.."return top.js.OpenExtLink(window,event,this).." href..u003d.."http://www.cafepress.com/lloydsjourney.." target..u003d_blank..>http://www.cafepress.com..u003cwbr /..>/lloydsjourney..u003c/a..>..u003cbr /..>..u003c/span..>..u003c/div..>",0] ); D(["ce"]); //--> ..> Weiner, Jonathan. "A FLIGHT OF BUTTERFLIES." _Sciences_ 23.3 (May 1983): 57. _Academic Search Premier_. EBSCO. SMCC Library, South Portland, ME. 30 November 2007. .

lonley days

2007-12-29T20:46:00.001-05:00

Lonely days

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So many days it is just me. I hear no voice during the day other than my own. My phone does not ring. My door is free of anyone knocking. I sit and wonder how it became this way. I wonder why and I plain and simply cry. Not too big a man to shed a tear. No to big a man to lend a tear. No not me but then again it seems I only hear from those when they need to lean on me. I am here for you and you and you. I mean it too. Can't you be there for me too? My pain is the same as yours but to be your friend does it mean that my pain is less? I tell myself so and I won't turn my back on you. Yes, I've got your back even when you don't have mine. I am sad. Sad the days go on and yet I have heard for none. Anxiety has cost me so much. It has changed me in many ways but one day I will return to form. I know that day lies ahead and while do not know when I do know that it does exist. That life is my cup to fill and someday runneth over. I hike alone but know that the trail is mine to follow and that the journey is sure to make me smile. Others have walked these paths before and many will after I have gone on. I just wish that once in awhile you would walk with me too. To laugh, to talk, to smile, to just simply enjoy the view.a friend is what I desire. I am a big man but sometimes I need to lean to. My heart is tender and yet it is never enough to just be what I am now. Anxiety keeps me on edge and others simply do not understand. I do what I can so please understand. Can't you still be my friend?

Feeling loney…feeling lost ………..on simply way too many days. Where does the trail lead? What is my ultimate journey? Questions but no answers…….

white blanket

2007-12-29T20:44:00.000-05:00

White Blanket

Trees draped from top to bottom in white.

From an all too wintry night.

Pure was the driven snow.

Sticking to all, coating a new.

White here, white there too.

Snow like a blanket on the ground too.

How deep I wondered was the snow?

From my perch I could not know.

I bundle from head to toe.

Ventured forth into the snow.

Pure white was the snow.

Blinding me as I ventured forward.

Blue skies now as the gray has faded.

A sun shines from the heavens.

The snow is deeper by the step.

Covering my ankles, my shins, all the way up to my knees!!

Cold is the snow but warm I am all bundled.

I stand before a big tree covered with its new white blanket.

I look up in amazement.

The tree shakes and down comes the blanket.

A snow storm just for me!!!

Oh so fun I get to play.

It crashes around me but never seems to stop.

Up and up the pile grows.

Now up to my nose!!

BBBrrrrr….the snow is so cold.

I wiggle and wiggle till I come free.

Boy that was fun for me.

I head to the next tree to do it all again.

Isn't winter just so much for me.

so we danced

2007-12-29T20:43:00.000-05:00

I looked into your eyes.

So warm and inviting.

My heart seemed to race.

Beating faster and faster.

I was lost in a daze.

The music played.

I wanted to pull you closer.

I wanted to hold you longer.

No not now...maybe never.

Our eyes locked yet again.

Chemistry so hard to ignore.

Once in a lifetime?

A dream come true.

Not for us to know.

We drew nearer and nearer.

Our lips set to touch.

Yet they must not.

Oh how good it would be.

If only you would let it be.

I pulled you close.

I wanted to hold you closer.

Smell your hair.

Kiss your neck.

You drew back.

Looked in my eyes.

Said lets dance.

So we danced.

You in my arms.

Me never wanting to let go.

We swayed to the song.

I wished it would never end.

Can I hit replay?

So close to my heart.

Yet just out of reach.

So we danced.

Then you said goodbye.

In my heart I am still dancing.

Replaying the song.

So we dance on and on.

handing me pieces

2007-12-29T20:42:00.000-05:00

Handing me pieces

Girl I am so confused by you.

So much has gone on between us.

So much love.

So much pain.

Heart bursting with love.

Heart bursting from pain.

Pieces falling to the ground.

Girl what do you want from me?

Tell me so I can give it to you.

You hand me the pieces to put my heart back together.

Seemingly just to lure me back in.

Just when I am feelin whole you knock me down again.

Pieces fallin all over the ground.

It is like a damn merry go round.

Don't you know what you are doing to me?

Picking up the pieces.

Handing the pieces to me.

One a time till I fall back in line.

Till I march to your song again.

Your beat is my beat.

Till the next time I fall to pieces.

One day baby..one day soon.

I am gonna take my pieces and leave you.

The only bursting my heart needs to do is from love girl.

And that certainly ain't you.

Handing me the pieces is all you know how to do.

It is so sad for you.

I have collected my wits.

Got all the pieces to my heart.

Goodluck to you.

leave your mark

2007-12-29T20:41:00.000-05:00

Leaving a mark

Are you like me?
Am I like you?
A question to ponder.
Look at the color of my skin.
Is it different from yours?
Does it matter?
It shouldn’t.
My gender, does it matter?
It shouldn’t.
My age?
My name?
My country?
My God?
No, they shouldn’t.
I breathe in air just like you.
My heart beats as does yours.
That matters.
We are much the same.
Am I worth more than you?
Is my house bigger?
My bank account larger?
The food I eat better?
I tell you it doesn’t matter.
In the end my friend.
We both end up with the same fate.
The breath we take ends.
One way or the other it simply ends.
You are like me.
Leave your mark.
Be someone who matters.
Leave the World a better place.
Leave those around you with a thought.
It will last longer than money.
Longer than any physical gift.
Leave them with a memory.
Leave them with an inspiration.
May others find inspiration?
May others find hope?
Help them, encourage them.
Show them the way.
Leave your mark!!!

empty soul

2007-12-01T15:45:00.001-05:00

Empty soul

My soul is empty.
I wander like a rudderless ship.
I am like the blackened night.
Blood as cold as ice.
Eyes uninspired by the World around me.
I trudge forward aimlessly.
No hope and only despair.
Save me from the darkness.
Show me the light.

head down

2007-12-01T15:39:00.001-05:00

I’M SITTIN HERE WITH MY HEAD DOWN.
Nobody else around.
Just me and my sorrow.
Just me worrying about tomorrow.

I can’t seem to find a reason why to keep going on.
Without you here by my side it is a lonely World for me.
You were gone so quick that I didn’t even know we were in trouble.

I’m sittin here with my head down.
A tear or two dropping from eyes.
They seem to come right from my heart.
You didn’t even say goodbye.

How can I go on without you?
How can I move to another day?
I can’t imagine going on without you.

I am sittin here with my head down.
Hoping you will come back to me.
Hoping your shadow will block the sun before me.
Hoping you come back to me.

Our fairy tale.

2007-12-01T15:38:00.001-05:00

Our fairy tale.

I am a dreamer.
I am a believer.
A hopeless romantic too.

There is a dream.
A dream I want to share with you.
One were words are few.

The connection is deep and true.
The love a fairy tale too.
Two souls becoming intertwined.

Two hearts beating as one.
A love that moves as one.
Love making that rocks each ones World.

Is it just a dream?
Can it be reality?
Hope is life.

Dream a little dream.
Wish upon a star.
Imagine you and me.

A dream come true.
A heart beating with anticipation.
With hope, with love, from the soul.

They say it is but a fairy tale.
I say it is the truth.
Imagine you and me.

I can feel it in my soul.
I can feel it in my heart.
I can feel when I think of you.

I will dream the dream.
I will live the life.
Our fairy tale!!!

Yesterday, today, tomorrow

2007-12-01T15:37:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, today, tomorrow

I saw you called today.
My heart skipped a beat or maybe two.
I thought maybe I was dreaming of you.
Thought maybe you dialed the wrong number.
You couldn’t have meant to dial mine.
No you couldn’t have meant to dial me.

I checked it again and it was still there.
Right before my eyes.
You had called me.
What was I to do now?
Call you back now?
Or maybe wait for you?
So hard to say because I loved you so.
So hard to say because you crushed me too.
Left my heart in shambles.
Let our dreams crumble.
Left me with and empty soul.
Left me with so many questions.
Left me feeling like a broken man.
Left me all alone.

Oh my did I love you.
Girl spun me right round.
Just the sound of your voice.
My heart would beat a little faster.
I, I revolved around you.
You were my sun.
My moon.
My everything.

You say you loved me.
You say you needed me.
I am standin here all alone.
When I was down you were not to be found.
Gone, gone like dust in the wind.
Leavin me stand all alone.
Out in the cold.
Tears fallin.
Broken.

Now you call me.
I have only begun to heal.
The pain is only begun to fade.
The heart beats again.
I had to pull myself up.
Build myself back up.
Get on track and fill my heart up.
Now you call.
Why now…oh girl..why now?
Have you got some salt for my healing wounds?
Ready to bring me to my knees again.
Ready to finish me?
Or do you love me?
Baby I loved you so.
Oh girl more than you will ever know.

The phone rings now.
It is you again.
Oh baby I want you so.
Oh baby I need you to know.
To know I loved you so.
How can I answer this call?
Baby how can I not answer this call?
Spinnin me right round right now.
Ring, ring, ring……
I can’t talk to you.
I can’t go back again.
I can’t turn to you.
Not when I have just found me.
You are yesterday.
I am livin for today.
Hopin for tomorrow.
You, you are yesterday.

his game

2007-11-22T22:28:00.001-05:00

His game….

You gotta know when its time to let go.
Time to hold fold and go.
Gotta know when he just isn’t worth the pain.

Look close and you will see it is just a damn game.
You are but a pawn to him.
Another piece in his damn puzzle.

Don’t let him break your heart.
He is a damn player.
And you are being played.

Step away now.
Run away now.
Get away girl.

He will only steal your heart.
Get you to take down your guard.
Swear he is the King you dreamed of.

Then girl he will break you down.
Make your World spin around.
Right out of control.

So you just gotta know when it is time to let go.
Time to move on.
Time to turn the game around.

Spin it around and break him down.
Play the game with no remorse.
Before he lures you in.

Break his heart.
Give him a taste if the pain.
Show him you got game.

Just know when it is time to cut loose.
Leave him standing alone.
Wondering where you have gone.

Deal a blow to his ego.
Bring it down a notch or two.
Show him the pain.

He would have broken you.
So break him now.
Do it for the others.

Save them the pain.
Save them for this devil.
Save them…save them.

love is tender

2007-11-22T22:27:00.000-05:00

Love is tender

Love is something that needs nurturing.
Give it care and give it time.
Gently urging it onward.

Patience is valued as is trust.
Time is a must.
It doesn’t happen in lust.

One night isn’t enough.
Days are just a start.
It takes time to take thy heart.

Walk slowly down this road.
No sharp curves to lose control.
Nothing hidden by moving too fast.

See the soul before you fall.
Is there a mask to uncover.
What secrets of the other?

Take the time.
Take the time.
Let it grow oh so slow.

Falling fast is hard on the heart.
So many have fallen too quick.
Only to lose a piece of themselves.

Look in the eyes.
Look in the heart.
Touch the soul.

Take the time.
Nurture it.
And watch it grow.

The reward will be yours forever.
Time will not matter then.
It will be the two of you till the end.

A long stroll hand in hand.
A journey with your best friend.
Towards eternity you head.

A sun rises and a sun sets.
Together you to remain.
Ever faithful now and then.

A comforting hand.
A loving voice.
A tender touch.

Taking time gives so much.
Is there any other way.
To an end so lasting.

A love so tender.
A love so true.
It awaits you too.

in another lifetime

2007-11-17T19:03:00.001-05:00

In another lifetime………

I would take a different road.
A road that led me right to you.
Instead of zigging I would zag.
Because it would bring me to you.
It would bring me to us.

In another lifetime
Dreams would come true.
Misery would be so far away.
Tenderness and love.
Would be an everyday thing.
Instead of an everyday dream.

How different it would have been…
How different it would have been…
If only I had taken the road that led to you.
Instead I took the road filled with life’s potholes.
Heartbreak and heartache…
Misery and sadness…
A life of uncertainty…
A life filled with almost….

Now I sit and wonder why I went the way I did.
It was so long ago yet it haunts me everyday.
A ghost?
A demon?
A lost dream?
It is there with me wherever I go.
If I had moved this way instead of that.
If I had dared to believe…
Instead fairy tales were too good to be true.
I turned away from you.

In another lifetime….
I would never turn away.
I would never stray.
All my dreams and yours…
Woulda come true.
The fairy tale was right before me.

In another lifetime…
The fairy tales comes true.
Our lives are shared for eternity.
Our love lasts longer.
And is stronger than any devil.
A bond to last a million lifetimes.

Oh if only I get another lifetime.

days are too long

2007-11-14T10:18:00.000-05:00

Days are too long

Life can be tough sometimes.
We all have our days.
Days when we would rather be anywhere else.
Days when the minutes and even seconds seem to be longer than all the others.
Weary dreary teary days that somehow just sneak up on us.
Days that suck the energy right out of us.
We all have those days.

So don’t despair.
Take a deep breath of air.
Turn to me.
Cause I am here.
Lay your weary head on me.
I will gently play with your hair.
Soon you will forget it all dear.
Just close your eyes.
Close them and let dreams come.
Let dreams take you away from this day.
The one that seems oh so long.
When you wake.
I will still be holding you.
Still be comforting you.

No time has to be too tough.
Lean on me when you are weary dreary teary.
I will just open my arms and take you in.
They day will change then.
It is a promise from me to you.
Come to me when the days are too long.

the turtle

2007-11-14T10:10:00.001-05:00

The Turtle

One step at a time.
In no hurry.
Just going at her own pace.
Has time to analyze.
Time to pick the place.
Travel the route she wants to go.
Decisions get placed in a line.
One gets done then onto to number two.
Not like the crazy hare.
He just runs around with to much to do.
Truth be told it is the same workload for the two.
One takes the time.
The other just wants to make a dime.
Slowly the turtle moves.
If danger comes then everything gets tucked right in.
Distance is kept from the World.
I am in my shell.
You, well, you are out there.
The turtle peaks her head out slowly.
Seeking to find safety.
Safety in time that the SCARY World just backs away.
Takes no notice as she comes back out of her shell.
A protective coating that goes where she goes.
The hare he just doesn’t care.
Come here, go there… danger where?
Go go go go go go.
Stop and smell the roses?
What roses TURTLE?
I am on top of the World.
Hey Hare, LOOKS WHAT YOU STANDING ON THERE.
The tumbles as the trash mound crumbles.
Tumble down little hare.
See no plan and no care.
Where does that get you?
The turtle takes its take and gets that.
Who won that race with the hare?
The turtle so don’t despair.
Time is yours.
Take it and make it.
Go your own pace.
Seek the proper path.
Live your dream.
Don’t chase someone else’s.
Stop and smell the roses.
Turtle on and don’t be a wayward hare.

motivation meltdown

2007-11-13T09:40:00.001-05:00

Motivation Meltdown

You stand at the door.
I still lay in bed.
You are chirping at me.
I don’t even wanna look your way.
But I do cause you gotta play.
You sound like the peanuts to me today.
Wah wah wah, wonk wonk wonk.
Nothing is getting through to me.
My head, well, it is simply dead.
Keep on chirping my little bird.
Sing your song.
Read me the roit act.
It is all the same to me.
Cause I am in a motivation meltdown.

Nothing is gonna move.
Nothing is going to inspire me.
I am just what I am.
What am I again?
A bump on a log.
A boulder stuck in the ground.
A dazed squirrel in the road.
A startled deer.
I don’t quite know which way to go.
All I see is the headlights.
I am frozen right where I am.

Yes, I am in a motivation meltdown.
Doesn’t matter who the hell is around.
Here is where I am and where I will be.
So go off now and let me be.
Damn girl stop barking at me.
Go on now, go on now.
Ain’t no use chirpin at me.
Cause I am in the damn meltdown.
Nothing gonna move me.

Motivation meltdown. Yeah motivation meltdown.
Ain’t gonna get me going.
Ain’t gonna get me movin.
Ain’t gonna make me believe.
Can’t nobody jump start me.
Cause I am in a motivation meltdown.
Life simply doesn’t matter to me.
Time can pass me bye.
See I just don’t give a damn.
So get the hell away from me.
I close my eyes and you know what I see?
Nothing, nothing there inside of me.
I just want to lay my head down upon my pillow.
Go to sleep until my mind awakes and rescues me.
Until then…..just gonna be the way that I am.

Motivation meltdown. Yeah motivation meltdown.
Ain’t gonna get me going.
Ain’t gonna get me movin.
Ain’t gonna make me believe.
Can’t nobody jump start me.
Cause I am in a motivation meltdown.
Life simply doesn’t matter to me.

dreamer

2007-11-13T09:16:00.003-05:00

Dreamer

I am a dreamer.
What can I say?
I am dreaming my life away.
Yup, there goes another day.
I am a dreamer.
Dreaming away everyday.
One day the dreams will come true.
And I will be smiling my life away.
Dreaming is what it is all about.
Dreaming of a better day.
Dreaming of a better way.
Dreaming my life away.

I am just a dreamer.
I am just dreaming my life away.
I am not a fool.
So don’t be cruel.
If you don’t dream.
Just walk away.
This heart is just for dreamers.
All others can just fade away.
For if we dream together.
Who can keep those dreams at bay?
Someday, someway all those dreams will come our way.
Yes, I am a dreamer.
Dreaming my life away.
One day at a time.
One day gone?
Or one day closer to the dream?

It doesn’t matter to me.
I am just a dreamer.
Dreaming of what it can be.
Dreaming till that day comes back to me.
Just dreamin away.

slippin on through

2007-11-13T09:16:00.001-05:00

Slipped on through

Yeah I couldn’t sleep last night.
I was thinking of you.
Thinking of me.
Simply put baby I was thinking of us.
How it all used to be way back when.
We had the dream baby, right in our hands.
Somehow like the sands of time.
It just slipped on through.
It just simply slipped on through.

It was a dream between meant for two.
We held on tight but not tight enough it seems.
We drifted apart over time too.
The hourglass was up all too soon.
Gone, long gone are you?
A dream melted into pain.
I sure do miss you.

We had the dream baby, right in our hands.
Somehow like the sands of time.
It just slipped on through.
It just simply slipped on through.

I saw you with your new man.
Walking hand in hand.
Smilin and playin with every step.
My heart crumbled when I saw you.
I remember when I was that man.
Now I am just on the outside.
On the outside of a dream meant for two.
How long though before his hourglass runs out too?
They say it is how it is with you.
One never gets to close to wrap their love around your heart.
You just say times up and slip on through.

We had the dream baby, right in our hands.
Somehow like the sands of time.
It just slipped on through.
It just simply slipped on through.

I thought we were different.
I am sure he does too.
What is it you get from this?
Is it about your ego too?
Baby, I loved you for all the right reasons.
You left me for all the wrong ones.
I am more than another grain of sand.
That is just slippin on through.
Someday time will run out on you too.
Then maybe the sleepless and lonely nights will belong to you.
The sands are slippin on through.
They will catch up with you too.

Baby come back to me.
Come back to me now.
Before it just slips on through.
We had the dream baby, right in our hands.
Somehow like the sands of time.
It just slipped on through.
It just simply slipped on through.

as far as I can see

2007-11-10T08:43:00.000-05:00

As far as I can see

It was a long journey to the top.
I even had to stop.
But I finally made it to the top.
Now I can finally see.
There is much to see before me.
As far as I can see there are more mountains.
They seem to go on for eternity.
Is there and end to what I can see?
There are valleys in between.
Cities and towns too.
All so small from way up above.
Is this God’s view?
If so how does he view you?
Is life filled with valleys followed by more mountains?
Is there always another hill to climb?
Always another summit to climb?
It seems that way to me.
Does it to you?
We are but small little dots from this view.
Up close are we more?
Do we matter anymore?
Does anyone keep score?
As far as I can see.
The World is full of challenge.
Full of valleys that separate us.
Full of summits that divide us.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
I know from God’s view.
He sits on the highest summit.
And before him he sees beauty.
Maybe we should too.

no lies in the eyes

2007-11-10T08:42:00.000-05:00

No lies in the eyes

Her eyes sparkled.
Green but gray to me.
Energy flowed from her.
Giddy even too.
A smile so wide and beautiful too.
She moved with grace.
Never looking out of place.
Bouncing from one to another.
I can’t imagine keeping pace.
Finally my turn for her time.
Her eyes though are different.
Different up close.
No lies or spoken words can hide.
The simple fact there is pain in those eyes.
Confusion is surely inside.
A shaken confidence.
A sad heart.
A scared girl.
Yes I can see it all through those eyes.
Their beauty captivates me.
Their truth saddens me.
Come to me if you dare.
I will help in your despair.
It is safe here.
Look in my eyes
For there are no lies here.
Truth and safety is what I offer.
I will pick you up when you are down.
Lift you higher when you are up.
Hide you and shelter you from the storms.
Push you forward into the sunshine.
The sunshine you so deserve.
Open your heart to me.
Open your mind to me.
I open mine to you.
Truth.. Just truth…no lies.
Let me look into those eyes.

Her eyes were blue

2007-11-07T15:22:00.001-05:00

There a chill in the air.

Enough to frost your nose.

Enough to nip at your finger tips.

Yes, you could say I was cold.

Until I thought of you and those warm blue eyes.

Then the cold simply went away.

Your face came to me as if you were right before me.

I was looking into your eyes and feeling love again.

I reached to touch you.

Only feeling the frosted air.

The cold went away though when I looked in those eyes.

Thoughts of you replaced the chills.

Warmth replaced the frost.

You are all I need.

All I need to warm me on the coldest of days.

Thoughts of you make all the chills seem so far away.

I always get lost in those blue eyes.

close your eyes

2007-11-01T20:24:00.001-04:00

Close your eyes

Close your eyes and imagine me.
Right there next you.
Tight in each others arms.
All the troubles of the World.
They seem so very far away.
No way they can get to us here in our own World.
Right in my arms.
That is where you belong.
Close your eyes and imagine it to be.
Miles between you and me are erased.
Just close your eyes and I am right there.
Right there taking you in my arms.
Holding you close, keeping you warm.
Whispering I love in your ear.
Getting lost in your eyes.
Go ahead baby and close your eyes.
I am right there with you.
Just close them and imagine.
The time will come when it isn’t a dream.
The time will come when we have made it reality.
You lying next to me with the World so far away.
It is what you do to me that lets me know it will be.
Not a doubt within me .
It what thinking of you does to me.
Close your eyes and there I am.
Trust me some day it will be true.
It takes two so when it is tough.
Just close those eyes and know I am near.
I am right there in your heart.
You are right here in mind.
Close your eyes baby.
I’m on my way now.
On my way to you.
On my way to us.
Just close your eyes and I’ll be there.
Then it will all be so very true.
Just close your eyes.
Close your eyes.

obstacles

2007-11-01T18:14:00.001-04:00

Obstacles

You do things to me.
Things that make me crazy.
Crazy inside.
Crazy in love I am with you.
There is no denying that.
No no there is no denying it.
It is you for me.
There is no other.
Obstacles stand in our way.
That is so easy to see.
Obstacles that block the way.
I see the dream.
I see the dream.
I know there is a way to you.
A way to the love.
Love can move mountains.
You think I am silly to dream.
Silly to believe.
Silly man blinded by the love.
I say I dream of you.
I dream of us.
That is how it has to be.
I see no other way.
Obstacles in our way you say.
I am not afraid.
Obstacles will go away.
Believe in the love and it will make its way.
Oh I say to you to believe.
Believe, believe, oh believe.
Believe in me.
Obstacles will go away.
You just watch and see.
Oooohhhh you believe in me.
My love will bring me to you.
No obstacles can deny the dream.
Dreams are meant to be.
And so are you and me.

spellbound

2007-11-01T18:13:00.000-04:00

Spellbound

Eyes of angel.
Hair fiery red.
Bodacious curves.
All draw your eyes.
Oh yes they draw you in.
And then she has you.
Takes your heart away.
Simply mesmerizes you.
You wish to taste those lovely lips.
Put your hands on those lovely hips.
Oh the way she moves drives me crazy.
I am in her web and at her mercy.
I am spellbound.
All her words sound of beauty.
There is a twinkle in her eyes.
A wiggle in her walk.
That just melts you from the heart.
She has you now.
No you can’t turn away.
Even if you wanted too.
But believe me that you don’t.
She has you now and you are hers.
Spellbound by her ways.
Boy she just captivates you.
Take everything else away.
Beauty that melts you.
Melts your heart.
Oh to look into those blue eyes.
To kiss those luscious lips.
To slide your hands over the curves.
She has you now.
You are spellbound.

The Trip

2007-10-31T17:08:00.000-04:00

The trip (Non-traditional story - poem)

Fantastic Voyage (Coolio), Lessons Learned (Carrie Underwood), Summer of 69 (Bryan Adams), A thousand miles from nowhere (Dwight Yoakam), Where the blacktop ends (Keith Urban), Lets get it started (Black Eyed Peas), Don’t look back (Antigone Rising), Walk this way (Run DMC/Aerosmith), Stairway to heaven (Led Zeppelin), One Step two step (Ciara), Walk a little straighter (Billy Currington), I don’t wanna miss a thing (Aerorsmith), Strawberry Fields (The Beatles), River of Dreams (Billy Joel), Higher (Creed), High way to Hell (ac/dc), Haven’t got time for the pain (Carly Simon), Loose my breath (Destiny’s Child), What was I thinking (Dierks Bentley), Dust in the wind (eagles), Storm coming (Gnarls Barkley), Bring me some water (Melissa Etheridge), Hard rain comin down on me (Bob Dylan), Man on a mission (Van Halen), I’m in a hurry to get things done (Alabama), The way you move (Big Boi), We all fall down(Clint Black), Like a Rollin Stone (Bob Dylan), Muddy water (Clint Black), Cold day in July (Dixie Chicks), Oopps..I did it again (Britney Spears), I’m like a bird (Nellie Furtado), Hanging by a moment (Life House), Into the groove (Madonna), Thorn in my pride (Black Crowes), Double vision (Foreigner), Who wears these shoes (Elton John), Blue suede shoes (Elvis), I’ll try anything (Amber Dotson), Walk like a man (Four Seasons), Forever’s as far as I will go (Alan Jackson), Ramblin Man (James Otto), Time (Hootie and the Blowfish), Rough and ready (Trace Adkins), Here I go again on my own (Whitesnake), Keep ya head up (2pac), Nice and slow (Usher), Who loves the sun (Velvet Underground), Must be doin’ something right (Billy Currington), Here comes the sun (Richie Havens), Almost Home (Craig Morgan), Go rest high on that mountain (Vince Gill), Rocky top (Loretta Lynn), Gimme Three Steps (Leonard Skynard), On and On (Stephen Bishop), Sunshine and Summertime (Faith Hill), Every mile a memory (Dierks Bentley),One step closer (Linkin Park), Make it Happen (Mariah Carey), Top of the World (Van Halen), I can see clearly now (Johnny Nash), Rocky Mountain High (John Denver), Can’t you see (Anita Cochran), Peace of mind (Boston), The promise of a new day (Paula Abdul),

2nd part

Who says you can’t go home (Bon Jovi), When you’ve seen what I’ve seen (Luke Strickland), What hurts the most (Mark Wills), Some kind of monster (Metallica), Paved paradise and put up a parking lot (Counting Crows), Life is a highway (Def Leopard)

Running for you

2007-10-30T23:40:00.000-04:00

Running for you

I am running as fast as I can.
Sweat is dripping from every pour.
A river runs off of me.
My body craves for water.
It begs for a break.
I am afraid to stop.
I am running after you.
I don’t know where you have gone.
The streets seem empty.
The hills seem so too.
Mountains and valleys.
I’ve been there too.
I know not where to look.
You have disappeared.
Gone without a trace.
Left me behind.
Now I am runnin after you.
No time to stop.
No time to pause.
No time to feel the pain.
I just am coming for you.
Times were tough.
Things didn’t go right.
It could have been better.
Unless I catch you.
Before you are gone.
Then it can never be better.
For once you are gone.
You are gone.
My muscles ache.
My heart races.
My eyes fill with tears.
I runnin till I drop.
I need to find you.
I will run day and night.
You are out there somewhere.
And I am coming for you.
I’m running.
I won’t give up.
Please don’t you.

my soul is much the same

2007-10-30T23:32:00.000-04:00

My soul is much the same

I can hear the pounding of it on my window.
I look outside and the sky is falling.
Rain and gray is all I see.
It is almost a mirror to me.
My soul is much the same.
Raining tears and overflowing.
No, the drains can’t keep up.
The streets are empty.
Maybe even lonely.
My soul is much the same.
I wonder if the rain will ever stop.
If the sun will ever shine.
Will it ever be bright again?
Will I ever want to go outside?
Walk along the street?
My soul is flooded with rain.
Tears of my own flowing.
Will they ever stop?
It is raining harder now.
Harder than it ever could.
I am lost in the noise.
The street seems to be a river.
My soul is much the same.
I pray for the sun.
Hoping it rises again.
Hoping the ground will dry.
The skies will be blue.
Joy will be the noise outside my window.
My soul is much the same.

Breaking Apart

2007-10-30T23:25:00.001-04:00

Breaking Apart

My heart breaks.
Every beat it cracks a little more.
It aches deep within.
A pain no medicine can tame.
A flame is dying inside.
I am dying inside.
Where have you gone?
Why have you gone?
My heart breaks.
It misses you.
Misses you.
Beat by beat.
Breaking Apart.

amazing............a year

2007-10-29T23:54:00.001-04:00

Amazing it has been…….walking from here to there.

Not so long ago I was a prisoner in my own home and struggled to leave. The simplest things were the hardest things for me. I struggled to go to a grocery store. It seems like so long ago but in truth it was only slightly over a year ago that it was my reality. I have worked hard to battle my anxiety disorder and I have found success over the last year.

I have hiked many miles in the woods. In the course of those hikes I have learned a lot about myself and faced many fears. I have seen so much that I have never seen before. It is a whole new World but one that is still closed to me in so many ways.

I just want to savoir the last year though. I have seen Bald Eagles, bears, cubs, moose, fox, grouse, turkey, grey jays, deer, and so much more. I have climbed mountains upon mountains over the last year. I believe the number is close to 30 summits. Six of them over 4,000 feet high, 2 over 5,000 feet high, Mount Washington over 6,000 feet high. I have dreamed and realized dreams. I have touched the sky and it has touched my heart. I have found inspiration where only sadness had was found before.

I dare to be now. I dare to dream and go for those dreams. I dare to believe in me. I have faced fear over the last year that has kept me living in fear before. I have walked where great men and women have walked long ago. Thoreau found inspiration for his writing in many of the places I have visited this past year. I have stood at the top of mountains with views that seem to go forever. I have wondered what lies out there. Before that would evoke fear or anxiety but now it conjures up dreams and possibilities. I want to walk where greatness has been and I want to see what great adventurers have seen in life. I want to dream and I want to inspire others to dream.

I want to walk forward today and all the tomorrows. Some never see the forest for the trees but I have and I want to continue to walk in the forest and enjoy the trees. Our lands have become so full of concrete, brick, and tar but I want to roam where it is still wild and free. It is the one place I know I can be me. I want to smell the pine forest and drink from a tumbling waterfall. I want to see the moose before me and even the bear that will always cause fear to rise within me. Out there I feel free and that is where I want to be.

One year has come and gone. I am ready to keep going…to keep walking..to keep dreaming…to keep believing…to keep inspiring.

dreams

2007-10-29T02:20:00.001-04:00

Dreams

Dreams, dreams, dreams
We all have had a few.
If life we dream of many things.
What we want is a dream
Where we want to be is a dream
Who we want to be with is a dream.
How our life is going to be is a dream.
Anything and everything can be a dream
So many of us come up short in our dreams
So many fail to reach the dreams.
Thinking they are like stars in the night.
Beautiful and twinkling
But out of reach
Until they fall and are no more.
Dreams falling from the sky.
We sit back waiting for the dream to come true.
Or to simply fade away.
Obstacles are in our way.
That is a fact and yet it stops us in our tracks.
I say dream.
Dream your dreams.
Believe in your dreams.
Reach for the stars.
Catch a falling star.
Dream big if you dare to dream.
Don’t let life turn you back.
Don’t be discouraged by the obstacles.
Dream away…….just dream.
Then reach for it.
And don’t let it get away.
Live your dreams.
Dreams can become reality.
Dare to make your dreams come true.
Dare to go beyond a dream.
Dare to live the dream

what did I do?

2007-10-18T07:12:00.001-04:00

No call.

I left a friend a message the other day and have not heard back. So now my mind begins the game with me again. Did I say something on the message? Is he mad for some reason? Is he okay? Is his family okay? Is he this or is he that? Did I or didn't I?

I wish I could stop the scenarios but I just can't seem to do that and I re-run the message I left in my head and then also search the last time or two that I saw him and replay my actions. It make sme tired and a wreck. Am I a bad friend? It just drives me nuts really. Do I call? How long do you wait before trying again? Do you try again? No answers. Just questions and scenarios.

I wish there was a way to shut the process down and just let whatever happens happen. It isn't like this is the only thing that trips me up and gets me spinning my wheels.

In fact, I had two the other day back to back. Michelle's father pointed to an employment sign and asked if that was me. Maybe he meant something and maybe he didn't but my mind raced through things such as anger, guilt, frustration, and shame instantly. I tried to read his face to decide if I was reading into that or not but I couldn't decide either way. No matter what it stirred a hornets nest in my head. Yes, I am ashamed that I can't work because of my anxiety. It isn't my fault though and it sure isn't really fun for me. Everything I do is a process. A frustrating process at that to be honest.

Then they wanted to go to a restaurant and I don't do well with things just dropped on me like that but I tried and when I got there I couldn't even focus on the menu. I could feel my body gearing for a panic attack. I excused myself and fled. Frustrating but I felt better when I left. I don't feel sorry that I left either. I needed to and so I did which is as simple as that for me. They know I have anxiety so I do not need to make excuses or say I am sorry in my eyes. Maybe they should be saying sorry for not listening to me when I said I wanted to do something else for lunch. It really doesn't matter as it is just another example of an unfortunate situation.

Anxiety and social phobia plus my diabetes are part of me. I need ot figure out the way to deal with them and move forward. I have made some very positive steps and yet in some cases I have not as I can't figure out how to do it. I don't get it but I try and try.

Like Sand

2007-10-15T13:02:00.002-04:00

Like sand

I sit here on the beach.
Just wondering why it all began.
This sadness that seems to follow me.
The waves crash slowly and gently.
Not a soul around me.
It easy though to imagine the beach full.
Full of smiles
Full of joy
Full of happiness
Full of things past me
Where did it turn for me?
I have no answer.
I pick up a handful of sand.
My hand is full.
Then sand starts to fall.
The pile getting smaller and smaller.
Grain by grain
All I can do is watch it go.
And wonder why.
Happiness slips from my hands it seems too.
Just like the grains of sand.
I grab more but what is the use
I can’t seem to keep my hands full.
It always seems to be slipping though.
I can hold it tighter but it doesn’t matter.
I only left but a few grains.
They just slip on through.
Maybe I need a hand to help me hold it.
To help me keep it.
It can’t just keep on slipping through.
I am tired of wondering why.
I am tired of trying to find a way to hold on.
I am tired, just simply tired.
Another handful of sand only means more fleeting joy
More fleeting happiness
As it just slips on through.
The waves no longer seem gentle
There crashing more violent.
The beach more empty.
The day so cold.
The sand so hard.
I can’t reach for more.
I can’t reach for more.
It has all slipped away.

The Trail

2007-10-15T13:02:00.001-04:00

The Trail for me is a story that combines a few things that I truly enjoy in my own life. I fear bears even though I have studied what them to make sure I would be prepared if I encountered one on a trail. I find then fascinating and thus it was easy to add one in the story. I had intended to take the story in a different direction but was unsure I could fit it into a small frame for a short story. I purposely did not use any character names in the story as I was trying to leave it all to you imagination and focus more on the events. I think everyone would create their own vision of what Boston Detective looks like without a true description or a name. The Trail was going to be a story of murder on the mountain but it changed as I went on. For me writing is not a truly planned out process that follows an outline. I feel boxed in by outlines or page limits to be quite honest. I find for me the story I write is the story that unfolds at my fingers over the course of pages. I always will make notes as I go along to keep things consistent such as character names, relationships, or other details I think are important for later in the story. The creativity of writing freely is what allows me to get into the story and be excited about writing it. I am experience the story just like a reader as it unfolds. I have an idea where I want to go and what I want to say but I also remain open and let the story change as I feel the changes. This story had many changes within it. I personally have only hiked into the ravine on the Tuckerman Ravine Trail to watch skiers. Mount Washington’s summit is a goal I have had over a year now and actually has ties to my childhood when I would sit on the Western Prom in Portland and be able to see the white capped mountain in the distance. A fascination grew from that point onward. Stories of the mountain have always interested me. There are many stories I would like to write involving the mountain but I know the greatest story will be my conquering the mountain and reaching that very summit. So in The Trail I am able to take you on a little adventure to the mountain and have the character interact with the environment. It is his mind that leads him astray on his journey. He is lucky to have survived but also there is a sense of humility in the things that happened. In a sense they could happen to anyone.
The Trail
It was a morning like many others here at the AMC Center in Pinkham Notch. The sun was just rising as I sat outside on the wrap around porch. I would soon be on the trails again but for now I was content to be sitting here in the peace before other hikers began to awaken for their own journeys of the day. There was dew on the grass and the early birds were certainly finding the worms scattered among it. Crickets were still making their presence known but soon would be hidden as the sun continued to rise. It was a peaceful morning until I heard the scream come from the woods behind me.
It was piercing in every possible way that a scream can be and echoed throughout the valley. The hair on my arms stood and I immediately rose to my feet. My heart was racing and I headed towards to the trail. I ran hard but after 100 yards or so I had a flash in my mind that maybe it wasn’t really a scream but maybe just my mind playing tricks on me. I was out here to relax a little from my job as a Detective in Boston. I had just been involved in a case that took its toll on me mentally and this was a great place to get away. It had to be my mind playing tricks on me. I turned and walked back towards the seat on the porch. I began to feel a little embarrassed and hoped nobody else had seen my suddenly jump up and sprint towards the trail. I must have looked quite funny. I reached the porch and there was still only nature awake with me. I was very awake now though and the thought of sitting on the porch was no longer appealing to me. I went to my cabin to grab my gear and head for my day of hiking.
I started up the trail called Tuckerman’s Ravine Trail which had many other trails that branched off of it along the way to the summit of Mount Washington. I knew this was a very popular trail to the summit and the early start should help me stay ahead of the crowds which I have heard sometimes get quite large. I was soon at Crystal Cascades and paused to watch the water tumble over the falls. It was so very peaceful here with not a soul around. I headed back to the main trail and while it was never steep it was still going up and I was gaining altitude. The Pinkham Notch AMC center starts out at 2032 feet and the trek to the summit covers 4,250 feet of altitude gain in about 4.2 miles using just the Tuckerman Ravine Trail. The summit sits at 6,288 feet and is the highest peak in the Northeast. They often warn of the worst weather in the World happening right here on Mount Washington. It was a hike for sure but along the way there was peace. I had been to the ravine in the winter to see the skiers in action on the headwall. I was surprised at the size of the headwall and at how many people were there skiing. I think they are crazy but then again I am a homicide detective so maybe I am the crazy one.
I passed the cut off to the Hunington Ravine Trail and decided it was time for a rest. I was over a mile into my journey and surely ahead of the pack. I found a rock beside the trail and sat down. As I unwrapped my energy bar I noticed something across the trail from me. I couldn’t quite tell what it was from where I was but I decided I would check it out when I finished my bar. I was trying to decide what it was as it looked like fabric but that was covered by leaves in an unnatural way. I kept looking until I could stare no more. I went over to it and slowly uncovered it making sure that there was nothing else around it. I know that I was being overly cautious but I am a detective. As I brushed the leaves aside I was uncovering a fanny pack. I asked myself what a fanny pack was doing on the side of the trail and covered. My mind raced back to the sound I had heard this morning and I wondered if the two were connected. My mind was racing and I decided to mark the spot on my GPS and also take a snap shot of the fanny pack just incase. I picked it up and placed in a plastic bag that I had in my pack to keep things dry. I decided to keep going as there was really no reason to turn around.
I was making good progress but my mind was racing through scenarios of what I had found on the trail and how it had got there. I was coming up on the Lion Head split off at 3,875 feet. I was winded and a little tired as I had been going for two hours now and the sun was up high enough to warm the air. I needed to catch my breath and stay hydrated as I was only a little past halfway. As I tried to find a place to sit I noticed a broken branch and went to look at it. I soon discovered other branches that were freshly broken as well and the leaves on the ground were disturbed. I looked closely and saw hair on a branch. I took a picture and marked it on my GPS before using some duct tape that I carry on hikes to collect the hair. I then put it in the plastic bag. There seemed to have been a struggle here and my mind tried to picture the struggle that must have taken place. I wondered if this was when the scream had happened. I decided to forget my tiredness and keep going up the trail. I was running on adrenaline now as I approached the Herman Lake Shelter.
At the shelter I stopped and looked around but it was very quiet here. I wasn’t sure if there was supposed to be people here or not. I remembered reading that sometimes the shelter was open and there were basic supplies therefore purchase but maybe the keepers of the shelter were on their own early morning hike. Or maybe they were in trouble. I looked around the shelter and could feel my pulse racing. The doors were locked and I tried to look in the windows but I could not see anything inside. I was debating on rather to break the door to make sure there was not anyone in trouble and stuck inside. Then I my mind called me an idiot and I stopped in my tracks. I thought about it and maybe I was over reacting to these things. I had heard the scream though but it could have been a flash back of some sort. I just didn’t know what to think at this moment. I was possibly going crazy or I was possibly stumbling into a crisis. I decided to leave the shelter as it was and move on the trail into the bowl of the ravine. It was a short twenty minute hike and it would leave me only another mile or so from the summit of Washington.
I headed out towards Herman Lake. The lake itself really is at best a pond that is at the base of the trail to the bowl. I stopped and admired the view before heading upward. I needed to let go of these crazy thoughts and keep on moving. I was here to relax and that is what I wanted to do. The case in Boston had involved a serial killer that was targeting college women around the city. They were disappearing right off of campus. We eventually found a clue that unraveled the case but not before ten women were murdered. We ended up catching the killer who happened to be a professor that traveled from campus to campus. He had wanted more from these woman but they decided the grade wasn’t worth what he wanted and he had killed them to keep them quiet. Others have come forward since then and he is never going to leave jail. It was a trying case and a long case. Seeing ten bodies that had been raped and beaten to death was hard to take. I mean sure I see deceased all the time but the age and the brutality wore on me. I couldn’t sleep or for that matter think of anything else. If I had been smarter or done my job better then maybe all of those women would not have died. I had interviewed the professor as he was a link to all of them but I was convinced he was a good man. I feel bad about that as I misjudged him and he continued to kill. I needed to get away. This is away and now my mind was racing to find something here that was wrong. I was afraid to miss something and be the reason for death again. I am thinking that maybe what I need is to get some professional help. I am on Mount Washington and I am searching for something that just can’t be here. Sure people die on the mountain but it is from mistakes or injuries that happen during their hikes. I am sure some have died skiing down that ravine headwall that is now before me.
I paused to enjoy the view of the headwall as I was now in the bowl. It was lush green with a river running the side of it. There were birds chirping while they flew around the ravine searching for something to eat. It was such a beautiful place that I wanted to take my time and take it all in. The last time I was here the ravine was all white with feet of snow all around. The ravine fills with snow that blows off of the mountain around it and has snow sometimes till the middle of summer. I actually fell up to my waste near a large rock during my last visit. This was as far as I had made it last time but this time I was heading for the summit. I decided I would head over to the lunch rocks and take a break and well….. have my lunch. In the winter many people pack lunches and eat on the lunch rocks while watching the skiers take their tumbles down the headwall. I was tired but felt better now that I decided I was just going crazy and nothing was going on up here.
I stopped and let my chin fall to my chest while I took deep breaths and closed my eyes. As I opened my eyes I noticed a red spot on the ground before me. BLOOD!!! My mind shouted at me. I knelt beside the spot on the ground and looked closely at it. I was not a CSI type of detective but I knew blood or thought I knew blood when I saw it. This was definitely a possibility on the ground before me. It was dry but it didn’t look old at all. In fact it had rained a couple of nights ago so it had to be new. Why would there be blood here? Did someone have an accident? I guess that is possible but that blood curdling scream was more of a possibility. I lifted my head and scanned the ravine around me. I didn’t see anyone on the top of the walls looking at me and no one else was in the bowl with me. I looked for more and found a trail that seemed to lead up towards the top of the headwall. I had a sudden sense of urgency and dropped my pack and took off up the trail as quickly as I could manage. I was soon slowing as my lungs struggled for air. I just couldn’t get enough in to satisfy the needs of my body. The headwall was very steep and I suddenly thought back to when I was watching people hiking this with skis and in ski boots during my last trip here. I wondered how they did that and why that did that as I put one foot up and in front of the other. I was at 4325 feet according to my GPS unit and still just over a mile from the summit. I reached the top of the wall and looked around. I did not see anyone here as I scanned the rocks around me. The lush greens of the ravine were below me now. I scanned left and right for a few minutes but could not see anything. I continued to follow the trail and spots on the ground upward.
My legs were beginning to feel like jelly and I felt like I needed a break. I desperately needed some water. I sat on a boulder just off of the trail and suddenly remembered that I had left my pack and supplies at the bottom of the ravine. I needed a drink of water and could use some food for fuel as well. I had a choice of going back down the trail to my backpack or traveling onward and following the trail. I was torn as the safe thing was to go back to my backpack but my heart was for going forward to help the bleeding person. As I sat and rested I noticed a storm cloud on the other side of the mountain. It was barely visible to me as I was on the mountain and could not see over the top of it. I was warned before that storms can come upon you quickly here because you can’t see them till they are on top of you. I was exposed to the elements that were coming and could escape to the safety of the ravine below if I chose to do so. I didn’t though and decided to follow the trail of blood.
I kept moving and with each step I knew I was getting closer to the summit and people but yet it did not seem to be getting closer. The GPS unit said I was at 5,327 feet and every couple of steps seemed to change the number upward….. 5,328…..5,329. I could feel my legs growing weaker with each step as well. My body longed for water to quench a deep and growing thirst. I was no longer sweating and I knew that I was in danger of heat stroke. The trail of blood stopped suddenly and I looked around trying to find it for a few minutes at 5,543 feet. All I found was a popsicle stick that was red and blood red!!! How did someone get a popsicle way up here? I thought about this and decided it must have come from the Herman Lake shelters as they must have a fridge in the building. It didn’t matter really as I fell to my knees and wanted to pull my own hair out. I realized that my mind again had taken me on a journey to no where. I was chasing what just wasn’t there and now I was in danger myself. I slumped to the ground and put my head down in hopes of clearing my head.
BOOOOOOM…Booooommmm…….snap…crackle and then came the flash of lightning that was way too close for my comfort. The hair on my arms stood at attention. My heart jumped into my throat as the lightning struck only 100 yards away. The rain let loose now like the flood gates from heaven had suddenly broken. It was instantly impossible to see anything. I was soaked to the bone now as I sat on the ground. I had a decision to make and was aware that it had to be the right decision. Should I head for the top or back down to my backpack in the ravine?
I knew at the top there were at the very least people manning the weather observatory. It is manned year round and it is only around 700 feet above me. I look up but I can’t see anything except rain. I know the path is mostly marked with cairns from here on up. I am not sure that I will be able to see the piles of rocks used for cairns and if I miss them then I will be in trouble. My GPS is going wacky as the satellites appear to be having a hard time sending a signal through this storm. I guess that only leaves down towards my backpack but I wonder if I can make it over the steep terrain in the rain. There is no place to hide here and that means I have to move one way or the other. BOOOOOOOOM !! The air crackles above my head and my hair resumes it’s standing on end position. I decide then to head down the trail towards the ravine. I move as fast as I can and yet I am feeling cold from the rain. I still need water to hydrate my body which is dehydrated from the hike up and not taking in enough water. What was I thinking? I am cursing myself now as I let my instincts lead me when I should have taken the time and did the right things. Now I am dehydrated, cold, and away from all my gear on top of a mountain. Well, I guess technically I am on the side of the mountain but either way I am still an idiot. The going is slow but I am now at the top of the ravine. All I have to do is get down the ravine headwall to my backpack.
I try to see below me but the rain and wind prevent that from happening. I can see the trail or at least what I think is the trail. I decide I have no other choices left and now it is time to try this decent. I try to stand but as soon as I shift my weight I can feel my right foot slipping. I grab for a rock but it doesn’t hold and now I am tumbling down the headwall. I am thinking I am going to die on this mountain today. I have no control over my body and with each tumble I seem to be picking up speed. I hit a rock with my left arm and felt a pop or maybe I heard too. Do you really know when you are flying and bouncing off of everything in your path? I just knew it hurt and that it was a sharp pain. It seemed to last forever but I remember seeing the skiers fall and it was pretty quick but those lucky bastards at least were on snow. They were like snowballs and here I was like a mud ball at best. I hit one last boulder and came to a stop against it. I tried to breath but my breath seemed to have left me and the ability to take in air was gone too. I wondered if I was dead but then I opened my eyes and it was still raining so I figured I must be alive as neither vision I have for heaven or hell includes a blinding rain. I soon am able to suck in some air and slowly my breathing returns to me. I gather myself and try to sit up against the boulder but when I try to use my arms to lift myself only the right one works. They left failed me and I fell forward onto my face. The mud felt good and I was tempted to take a drink of the pooled water. I finally sat up and the thunder had seemed to move on to somewhere else as even the rain began to let up. The surroundings all looked the same to me. I was not on a trail and while I could tell I was still on the same side as the trail it wasn’t something I could see from where I was now. I stood and despite the pain that flowed through my body like the blood in my veins I managed to move in the direction of the trail or at least where I thought it was at that point. I soon was on the trail and quickly determined I was lower than where my backpack was on the trail. The sky was clearing which I thought was a good sign but was that the only break I was going to catch today? I wasn’t sure I wanted to try and make it up to my bag just to turn around and go back down the mountain but I also knew I needed my bag. I began to move up the trail towards my backpack. Finally I saw it and went over to it and collapsed beside of it. I immediately began to drink from my Camel pak and soon moved on to some of the snacks I had inside. I felt pretty good at this point despite the fun I had tumbling down the ravine wall.
GROWL!!! GROWL!!!! The noise came from above me and as I looked up I could not believe my luck as up on top of the ravine headwall was a black bear looking down at me. I thought and remembered that you are told to yell at them. So I yelled but the bear seemed to be getting the wrong message from me as he moved down the trail towards me. I scrambled as best I could and headed down the trail. I knew the bear could catch me but he just seemed to be keeping his distance and following me. I kept yelling and he kept following me. Where was everyone else? Isn’t this a popular trail? I was now at the trail down to the Herman Lake Shelters but wondered how I would manage this without the use of both my arms. I had to leave my backpack here as I couldn’t balance myself with it anyway. I dropped the pack and grabbed a candy bar from it before moving on. The bear made his way to the pack and as I continued out of sight I think I heard the bag ripping as the bear decided he liked candy too.

Finally down at the shelter I knocked on the door but nobody was home again. Was there a point to having a shelter if it didn’t provide shelter? I kept moving to make sure I stayed ahead of the bear. It was not a pleasant walk and I really needed more to drink but I was at least sweating again. I was coming up on the Lion’s Head cutoff when I saw something on the trail below me. I stopped and soon was able to determine it was other hikers. I yelled to them and as I made my way towards them they came towards me. There were two rangers and two others hikers. They noticed the shape I was in and asked what had happened. I explained to them that I had fallen and left out all the idiotic stuff I had thought during my hike. They agreed to help me down the trail to the AMC hut at the bottom. We moved past were the broken branches and hair were so I decided that I should at least point this out incase I wasn’t crazy. So I stopped and asked why the branches were broken and to some of the hair still there on the branches. I told them I was a big city detective and this seemed odd to me. The rangers exchanged a look as if trying to decide who was going to explain to me what this was all about. Well they told me and I am ashamed to say that it was a bear that had made the mess there. Apparently there was a nuisance bear on the trail the last few days and he would hide on the side of the trail and come out when he heard hikers coming. He would growl and huff but never charged. He just wanted the hikers to drop their packs and he wanted the food. They told me in fact a lady this morning had come across him and dropped her fanny pack and tried to bury it off the trail so the bear would pass it. She thought she could pick it back up later but the bear continued to follow her and she screamed. The scream made the bear scamper off up the trail towards the ravine. The rangers and other hikers asked me if I had seen the bear or had heard her scream this morning. I told them my story on the way to the hut. The big detective out to save a life in the woods of New Hampshire only found himself over his head on the trail. I wasn’t sure this was as relaxing as I had intended it to be. I had broken my forearm in the fall and decided that maybe I needed a new hobby. I hear the fishing is good in Maine.

Navigating My Way

2007-10-15T13:01:00.000-04:00

Navigating My Way

I was looking out the window and watching the snow fall. Gently the flakes fell to the ground and began to cover the sidewalk. I had watched out the window off and on throughout the day and had seen numerous people going back and forth. Leaving behind invisible footprints in the snow as time moved onward. The snow would erase their prints and leave a fresh trail for the next people who walked through it. I wished I could follow it. Someday I even wanted to make my own footprints in the snow or even invisible ones trailing off into the unknown. Someday….someway…….
I was stuck in my home and did not leave it often anymore. I had been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and while that is not life ending it was life altering for me. The diabetes diagnosis seemed to make an old problem I had been battling a worse problem. Anxiety was something I had suffered from, but it was not as debilitating as it had become now. I was in my own prison and my keeper was anxiety. The fears of “what ifs” is a big part of that anxiety. Slowly my World was filled with them and then it began to close inward for me.
I did not work and I did not socialize with others. My wife and my cat were my World. The walls of the apartment were the boundaries and the T.V. was my friend. I also had a computer and eventually started to talk to others online, but that was different than reality. I did not know them and they did not know me. I could keep myself secluded but also interact a little with people. In the end though this was not enough and I was searching for an answer.
I tried medicine, meditation, and many other things but they all failed in getting me past the anxiety for any length of time. As a boy I always had an imagination and while searching the internet I stumbled across something that sounded like it would give me some adventure like I had when I was a boy. I though if I could try this it would build my confidence slowly. I talked with my wife about what I had found and we decided we would try this to see if it would work.
What I stumbled across on the internet was something called Geocaching and all you needed was a GPS unit to participate. The basis of Geocaching is people placed caches of varying sizes and difficulty all over the place for others to find. A cache is a hidden item that has a log book for you to sign once you find it. You can also trade small items when you find the cache such as pins, post cards, coins, or other trinkets. It sounded like an adventure and there were some caches right in my own neighborhood. That made me curious as to where the items were hidden and if I could find them. The clues that are given are helpful, but you need a GPS to guide you as you plugged in co-ordinates to get yourself near the hidden cache. I searched the internet and found out more about GPS units and soon had made a decision on the one that I wanted to purchase for my adventures.
It was a challenge just to purchase the GPS unit as I was not eager to go to the store where other people would be and where I was sure my anxiety would be an issue. I looked for a store that was likely to not be as busy and with my wife’s help I was able to make the trip to the store. We purchased a Garmin GPS unit for a couple hundred dollars and that price alone caused me to feel some pressure about this new adventure having to work or at least help with my anxiety. Money was tight and Michelle, my wife, was working two jobs to get us from point A to point B each month. At home we opened the GPS and loaded the maps onto the unit. Sure enough it searched for and acquired satellites that confirmed I was sitting in my little World again. It knew where I was and I could see everything around me because of the GPS. I punched in names of places I knew and the little handheld GPS confirmed what I had already known, but also told me how to get there and how long it would take for me to get there. I was amazed and curious.
I punched in the co-ordinates for my first geocache that was near my home. The location popped up on the screen and I knew exactly where this place was as it was the playground I used to play in as a child. The anxiety and excitement clashed within me at that point. I wanted to go find it but I didn’t dare to go find it. A battle of go and don’t go was underway. I decided not to go, however the seed was planted. I talked with Michelle about the playground and strategize on where something could be hidden even though I had no idea how big or small or how well hidden a geocache was at this point. The curiosity was slowly gaining the advantage over the anxiety as I became more and more confident that I could complete this adventure and return to my sanctum safely. I decided to go for it the next day.

The night went slowly and I hardly even slept as I just kept imagining the park. The sun finally rose and I fired up the GPS unit and grabbed the geocache print out before heading out the door. I paused before grabbing the door knob knowing I was leaving the safety of my home, but I looked at the GPS and saw where the geocache was located and thought what have I got to loose and headed out the door. Soon I was not thinking or feeling anxiety as it was replaced with excitement. With each and every step the GPS showed me moving in the right direction and the area of the geocache was getting closer. I finally made it to the area and re-read the clues to the location. I looked around and barely noticed the people out walking their dogs or going to their cars to leave for work. I was looking around and doing my best to put the clues together. I poked around here and there but I could not find the geocache. My anxiety started to creep in and I became anxious and eventually went home after a while. I felt disappointed, but then I realized I had been somewhere I had not been in a long time which made me feel good.

Eventually I did find that first geocache in the park and that opened the door for me to want to find more and more of them. I eventually loved the hard to find geocaches and found myself out in areas that had previously been off limits due to my anxiety.
When I was searching for the caches I sometimes did feel the anxiety, but more times than not my mind was thinking about geocaching. Some of the caches even required a certain amount of stealth and it only seemed to add to the adventure and the fun. The GPS unit became my freedom and my buddy. It went to places that were outside of my comfort zone because of my GPS unit and my area of comfort began to grow. I trusted it to provide me with the information to answer some of the “what ifs” that I always had and build my confidence.
Over time I was going further and further from home until I was running out of geocaches. The excitement was also waning as the challenge faded. I started looking for a new adventure to take me places. The GPS provided the confidence and I just needed to provide the adventure. I soon discovered hiking and started out with hikes that were near my home, but those expanded further over time. I remember reading about places in the White Mountains and then finding their location on the GPS unit only to feel that they seemed so far away. I never believed I would ever make it to these places, even if it was for a drive and not to hike, but I kept them in the GPS memory all the same.
In time I was moving further and further away from home and hiking in the woods which were an unknown for a kid who grew up in downtown Portland. Woods eventually became mountains and the mountains were further and further away from home. Each trip was filled with challenges but I was always able to navigate them because I had the GPS to guide me in my travels. I was never lost and always knew my way home. I always knew how long until I got home and if I needed to make a pit stop the GPS told me where to go.
The GPS unit has opened up the World to me. I now am able to go the places that seemed so far away not too long ago and offered me a new freedom. I sometimes look out my window watching the snow fall gently after returning from the mountains knowing that out there on a trail in the woods in a distant place the snow is slowly covering my invisible tracks.

A dream realized

2007-10-06T21:10:00.000-04:00

Snow covered but looming large on the horizon Mount Washington always
stood out to me as a boy. I looked with amazement at the white mound
among the greenery below it that lay between the mountain and me. A
dream began.

I would often find myself stopping on the Western Promenade in
Portland to view Mount Washington. On a clear day it was easy to see
and on other days it was just a shadowy figure in the distance. The
mountain was
always with me though and provided some place for
my mind to wander even on the darkest days. Dreams and fantasy of
wizards and dragons, gladiators and lions, and much more occupied my
mind as I grew up. The themes changed, but in the end the mountain was
always the same in my dreams. A place of dreams, a place of fantasy, a
place of mystery, and a place of death. The roles I played varied from
an explorer, to a mountain climber, to a hero and yes sometimes even a
villain. To me Hercules and Zeus where frequent visitors to the
mountain and on sad days I often imagined sitting on top of Mount
Washington whispering to God who was now not far away at all.

I would wonder as young boys do if I could touch the sun, rope the
moon, or catch a falling star from the top of a place like Mount
Washington. Could I see forever from up there? Would I see an angel?
So many thoughts and so many dreams of a mountain that seemed a World
away. I am not sure why it became so important to me but over the
years it never did fade. The dreams and fantasies may have changed, but
not the calling inside of the mountain. For all the changes in my
World and in my life the mountain was still the same in the distance.
It still would provide hope and an escape.

I gradually knew that I had to go to the mountain to be close to it
and experience it. I eventually drove by the mountain and was amazed
as it was larger than life even as I stood in its shadows. Eventually
a trip up the Auto Road happened and it felt as if I was rising to the
clouds. In fact, I was on day I drove up to the summit. It was seventy
degrees at the bottom of the mountain, but at the top it was foggy and
windy with temps cold
enough to see your breath. I was inside the
mystery and magic of the mountain. I could still only dream of the
view from the top. I was there, but it was truly only a taste of it.
The Auto Road provides an adventure of its own but it was not nearly
enough to satisfy my inner desire.

As my road in life traveled
through my own peaks and valleys the
mountain became a shadow looming in my mind. Anxiety became my sun and
my World revolved around it. In many ways it still does today as the
battle rages on. Nothing is easy for me, nothing is simple, it just
isn't that way. I am truly what I am and working towards what I want
to be and someday I will get there. Dreams truly only die if you let
them. I eventually found something called Geo-caching and that combined
with a GPS unit got me on the move again.

Soon the mountain was visible again and coming to the forefront in my
mind. A little over one year ago I started to hike and the goal from
day one was a goal from long ago-to hike Mount Washington. Now as a 36 year-old adult with
type 2 diabetes, anxiety, and fading dreams of glory, the mountain was
prominent again on my horizon. In fact it slowly blocked out my sun.

I began to hike and remember the first time I looked at the map and
saw the strange lands of Crawford Notch, Franconia Notch, and Pinkham
Notch. Because of my anxiety they seemed as if they were distance lands
so very far away from my reach. Mount Washington was just a dream and
just a goal that I expected to miss like so many others in my life.
The story of almost was one I lived all too often.

Hiking was something I started slowly with at first as I challenged
myself with trails around my home and slowly built my comfort zone
outward. I faced many challenges on the hikes from my anxiety. I was
at times afraid, doubtful, nervous, unsure, scared, faithless, and
confused on all my hikes. So many times I wanted to turn and just go
back to my safety. Let my sun shine down on me. Mount Washington though
blocked my sun more and more
with each and every hike that was inching
my way to its shadows. Eventually the hikes were right with in the
area and the distant lands were no longer mysterious but purely
magical. Each time I visit the White Mountains a spell is cast upon me
that transforms me for at least a little while and maybe more little
by little with each visit.

On my first summit of Pleasant Mountain it was an amazing site to see
Mount Washington as I crested the summit. Standing on top of South
Moat or Keasarge North in the winter gave me stunning views of
Washington. I sat in the Fire Tower on top of Kearsarge North and just
stared at the beauty around me, but Mount Washington was the beauty
among beauties. Mount Pierce in the winter was a winter wonderland
and Mount
Washington looked oh so close but yet so far. Then from
Jefferson and Eisenhower it felt like I could almost touch it but
didn't quite dare. It was a dream, a goal and I expected it to jump
away from me or slip past.

It didn't though as it stood just like it was when I was a boy. I
drove through the White Mountains often over this last year and have
seen some amazing things that I truly am blessed to have seen. The one
thing I kept seeing looming and blocking my sun was still there
waiting for me. Inside I began the battle of can I? I doubted myself
and wondered if I could get past the anxiety to
give it a go.

Then it happened on a beautiful October day. It was unusually warm and
not a cloud in the sky. Ammonousac Ravine here I come!!! I began at
the Cog Railway Base Station and then followed the trail along the
river. It was filled with lush green around me and the sound of water
tumbling downward. The
air was cool and filled with fresh scents of
the forest. Each step was filled with energy and confidence as I
headed to Gem Pool. I came a cross a large rock with a plaque on it
that marked the spot where Herbert Judson Young had passed away. I
paused and prayed before placing a stone upon the top before moving
onward. I finally arrived at the beautiful pool and decided it was a
place to savoir.

After resting and refueling at Gem Pool I began the stair-master to the
AMC Lake of the Clouds hut. This part of the hike was the most physically
demanding and also the part where the anxiety crept in a little. The
stair-master was pretty darn steep, but I reminded myself of the Caps
Ridge Trail and new I could do this trail. The anxiety began to fade
as the other hikes prepared me for this hike. I came to an outlook and
decided it was time for another break. I enjoyed looking out over the
valley. I returned to the stair-master and soon I was at a ladder,
which I climbed. The scramble over slabs replaced the stair-master
part of
the hike. Waterfalls were running down the slabs off to one
side and this was inspiring in itself but then more views opened and I
could see the towers on the summit. My heart was beating fast and hard,
but was it because of the hike or my personal journey?

I broke from the trail to see the AMC Hut in front of me. It was a
very welcome site and I was tired. I rested here for awhile but maybe
not long enough. I was eager to go forward. My dream was only 1.4
miles from me now. I could see ahead why it would be called the "Rock
Pile" as between me and the summit were nothing but rocks.

The last part of the trip was tough as I was tired and my legs wanted
more rest but my heart said go on. I went and paused and went some
more. It was getting closer and closer. I was almost there and could
feel the excitement growing. I felt like the little boy again filled
with hope and promise. I felt no anxiety. Another step, a little
stumble, and another step..... I was there. I REACHED THE SUMMIT!!!! I
looked around and I could see
forever.

Inside I was bursting with joy. Physically drained and emotionally
spent as well. I had battled and battled step after step to the top. I
was on top of the "Rock Pile" but it might as well as have been the
World to me. I quietly thanked God and I think I even heard him say,
"Good
job!!"

Sitting here today a day after the hike I am not sore as I expected
from the journey as I had been on previous hikes but I am rather
content. I am truly happy inside and proud of myself. I realized my
dream and it was as good as I had imagined since I was a little boy
looking to the horizon back in
Portland and back on the Western
Promenade.

Facing the nightmare

2007-10-03T09:12:00.001-04:00

Facing the nightmare

I think in life we all have moments that challenge us and even change us. All of us fear something, and while some admit it freely others hope to keep it hidden deep inside of some locked corner of their mind. I have never been shy about my fears and in some ways that has only made me stronger while in others it has made me weaker. I came across one of my nightmares today.

I was off to explore the day and enjoy the foliage. I headed towards the White Mountains with anxiety building with each mile I traveled further away from the comfort zone of my home. Anxiety is a something that I battle at almost every turn of my life. I know that many others suffer from anxiety but for them it is a moment and for me it is often a controlling moment that is not brief. My mind tends to get a hold of something and analyze it over and over looking for potential problems and solutions. A simple thing for another person can send me off into a maze of thoughts that often traps me. Then I just am not able to mentally or physically do what it is I had intended to do until I can solve the problems. This is good and bad to be honest. For some situations having all possible outcomes ready at your disposal is a tremendous advantage when things turn and others are not prepared. At the same time this is also a hampering, disabling problem that I face on things that should be much simpler than I know how to let them be for me. I am trying to change all of this but it is a war and some days I can’t seem to fight while others I am full of fight. I wish I knew the way to charge forward each day.

On my drive to Crawford Notch I encountered traffic in Fryeburg due to the fair and instantly my stomach started to turn. I was simply afraid I would need to use a restroom and couldn’t get to one. However, I talked to my wife and she looked on her pc at work and told me of an alternate route that I could take and I did so. I have a GPS unit I take with me everywhere but I just could not mentally bring myself to use it as the anxiety was taking over. I followed her instructions and soon I was away from the traffic and my mind eased until I thought about my return trip home through all of the traffic. I did my best to shut those thoughts off before they ramped up my anxiety. I told myself that I would take a different route and avoid Fryeburg altogether and this would eliminate the potential traffic problem. Good…problem solved.

I make it to Crawford Notch and the anxiety fades as I feel comfortable here after many visits. I know where the roads lead and where everything I need is located. I decide that hiking up a mountain is not going to happen today because it is cloudy so I head off to a place I just discovered called Pondicherry in Whitefield , N.H. that sounds lovely. The fact I have never been there causes me instant anxiety, but I have the GPS on now and I also have read as much as I can about this particular place online. I am anxious but I have confidence in the answers I am able to provide to the questions my mind is running through as I drive onward.

Soon enough I am at Pondicherry and getting ready to head down the trail which is very much like I had thought it would be from the things I had discovered during my research about it. I decide to go on the light side of hiking equipment due to the flat nature of the trail. It is lengthy enough but I know from my experience that I can cover the flat miles much faster and easier with lighter gear. So that means some food bars, water, camera equipment, a knife, a jacket, cell phone, bear spray, and few other pieces for the journey.
I head out and the trail curves at the start and this is where my anxiety come into play. I often have reoccurring nightmares where I envisioned running into a bear. In my nightmare the bear was as shocked as I was but he was also determined to head in the direction I was standing. My mind raced in the dream as I stood still trying to sort the multitude of possibilities and outcomes. He was still coming towards when I awoke from the nightmare. I lay awake for awhile and sort through my knowledge of black bears and the experiences I have read about bears online plus what I have heard form other hikers. It is a theme I visit often as running into a black bear on the trail is a fear of mine. It causes me anxiety thinking about it. I am not a small man but a black bear is tougher than I am and I know that. So eventually I get back to sleep and there are no more dreams or nightmares of the bears.

Back to the trail, on this trail there is no bear ,as in my nightmare, as I walk around the corner. The trail becomes straight and you can see for a long ways. I notice something white on the trail and then notice an orange hat. I see it is another hiker walking out of woods while I am walking into them and I welcome the chance to talk to someone face to face. I get nervous and anxious in crowds or around people I do not know or often enough even people I know well. I have to rethink the words I say after I am away from people to see if I could have said it better. Just thinking about it now makes me tired. We both keep walking and the distance narrows to about 100 yards when something emerges from the woods between us. My mind flies through possibilities, but only one fits and it flashes in my mind “BEAR DUMMY”!!! I can feel my body chemistry change immediately as adrenaline is dumped into the bloodstream. My eyes widen but my mind slows things down and goes on autopilot. I have told it what to do in this type of scenario which pays off now. I take steps backwards as the bear fully enters the trails. I quickly realize there is enough distance and grab my camera from my pocket. I snap two shots of him crossing before he disappears on the other side of the trail. My heart is racing and now I replace the camera with bear spray as I no longer know where he is but know he is here.

Moments pass and then the other hiker begins to walk again. I see this but my mind tells me to turn and go back to my truck. The anxiety wants me to turn away but I know in my heart that somehow I must go forward. This is a point in my life and in my war that calls for courage. It calls for me to face the fear and the dreaded scenario of possibly running into the bear somewhere else on the trail. I pull up the facts and move forward towards the other hiker. We meet and chit chat about the event we just shared together. He is an older gentleman who had never seen a bear like that before. I felt like telling him that it was me that somehow brought the bear there because of the black cloud that seems to follow me but I decide he doesn’t need to hear that and then I offer to send him a picture of the bear with him in the background. I get his information and then we part ways. I am now where the bear was and I cross his path. I, of course, think I hear him but it could have been a bird for all I know at that point. I mark the spot on my GPS so I will know on the way back that I am here again. I am not sure why I need to know but I need to know that I crossed the spot again. I keep moving forward.

I check often over my shoulder to see if he came back on the trail and decided he wanted to walk with me. No bear and I keep moving forward. On I go and soon I reach my destination. I am afforded a wonderful view for my efforts and I stop to enjoy them. I explore a little more in another direction before I turn and head back to the trail. I now have to walk the walk back into the heart of the battle. I know that I am still afraid and I know the anxiety is now high for me. I faced the fear and did not back down. I came forward and did what I had set out to do despite the fear. I now just needed to face it again and the trail was the path to go forward for me. I went forward and the nerves were there but I made it safely back to my Explorer.

The fact is that I faced a fear of mine and I learned some things today that are important going forward in my life. The trail had bends in it but was mostly straight and there was no side trail to duck off of to change directions. I had to go straight towards, through, and past where my fear had just been before me. I know many times in my life when I have turned from such fears and just walked away. I have let fear and anxiety rule my World. I am not saying I won the war but I did win the battle. I also learned that one step at a time will get me to my fear and then beyond. My choices were simple and I made the choice to go forward. I can travel the same path and now that fear was on that path too. The big bad bear in the nightmare wasn’t there but the bear I feared was there before me. I faced the nightmare and moved forward.

Your way……..

2007-09-25T22:26:00.002-04:00

Your way……..

You left as a boy.
Came back as a man.
Proud of serving your country.
A true Army man.

23 years you gave to us all.
Living here and moving there.
Serving here or there.
Wherever duty called.

You did it all.
You did it your way.
Never met a man so stubborn.
Your way or no way.

Got an opinion? If it ain’t yours it ain’t the right one.
You saw the World and held it in yours hands.
Back here in Maine we missed you everyday.
My favorite uncle, I wanted to be just like you.

In the end you came home but not to stay.
Another trip was in store for you.
Off to be with your love, down in Mexico.
The Lord called you one day to his realm.

We miss you but we know you are above.
Looking down and trying to get us to do it your way.
Yes sir, Drill Sergeant!!!
But we still go our own ways.

Thank you for your service to our Country.
We missed you but it was what you wanted.
Thank you Uncle Bill in everyway.
Relax and we will debate again someday!!!

Your skin

2007-09-25T22:26:00.001-04:00

Your skin

Your skin touching mine
It just eases my mind
Eases it every time
No matter how hard things get between us
Your skin against mine
It eases my mind.
Takes me to a place that is heaven.
yes, heaven here on Earth.
You and me….. Heaven.
Pressed together with nothing between us.
Our hearts beat as one.
Nothing can be more like heaven.
No matter what happens.
No matter how hard it has been.
No matter how different the roads.
It just takes your skin on mine.
I know then what I sometimes forget.
That we are meant to be as just one.
Just one moving together.
Loving the way love is meant to be.
Two acting as just one.
Your skin on mine.

Your love

2007-09-25T22:25:00.004-04:00

Your love

I awake each day knowing that I am not alone.
That each step I take is not taken alone.
Each moment is precious and each moment is fluid.
Each day is ours and ours to live.

Your love warms me to my core.
Pulses through my veins like a drug.
Making me high on us, on life.
Your love.

It pulls me up when I am down.
Lifts me from falling into the doldrums of life.
Makes me want to be a better man.
Makes me believe in fairy tales.

Your love warms me to my core.
Pulses through my veins like a drug.
Making me high on us, on life.
Your love.

It sees me through the choppy waters.
Through the blinding rain.
Through the cold of a winters night.
Through the heat of a hot summer day.

Your love, your love….
Guides me, builds me up.
Gives me strength.
Brings me to life.

They say love can move mountains!!
Well your love is proof that is does!
You have moved me, touched me.
So deep inside.

Your love warms me to my core.
Pulses through my veins like a drug.
Making me high on us, on life.
Your love.

You. Simply you.

2007-09-25T22:25:00.003-04:00

You. Simply you.

You are beautiful.
You are sexy.
You are hot.
You are kind.
You are sweet.
You are neat.
You are real.
You are honest.
You are special.
You are true.
You are nifty.
You are fun.
You are smart.
You are luscious.
You are yummy.
You are freaky.
You are awesome.
You are thoughtful.

You are simply you.
And that is simply enough for me!!

You, me, and the Tree

2007-09-25T22:25:00.001-04:00

You, me, and the Tree

Where would we be without the tree?
So big and round.
Tall and proud.
Such a beautiful tree.

The view from the tree is what drew you.
And drew me too.
You could see forever and ever.
And be shaded from the sun too.

Oh what a tree.
So big that I didn’t even see thee.
You on one side.
Me on the other side.

Never knowing the other was there too.
Too much to view
Such a beautiful tree.
You enjoyed your side and I mine.

Days went bye and I dreamed.
Dreamed of one special one.
Someone so special to join the tree and me.
I dreamt and dreamt.

It had to be someone so special.
They would spend all eternity with me.
And would love the tree.
I dreamt of it too.

Then one day I saw you.
Saw you sitting on your side of the tree.
Slowly each day I sat closer to you.
Until we were side by side.

Yes, enjoying the same view.
Before long we laughed and cried.
Sometimes on your side.
Sometimes on my side.

We fell in love.
Right there under the tree.
Enjoying the view.
Soon we promised each other forever.

Right there under the tree
We had our special day.
Now we had towards forever.
You, me, and the tree.

Worth A Million

2007-09-25T22:24:00.003-04:00

Worth A Million (for Danielli and Andy)

The first time I saw you.
It was from a distance
But even then
You glowed with beauty
Glowed with confidence
A strength seemed to emit from your very being

Life wasn’t always fair to you
But you never bowed before it.
You always rose and kicked
You licked it with grace.

Moved on and never looked back.
Married a man and started a life.
The creep moved on
But you were strong

Rebuilt from the darkness.
Never lost despite the lack of light.
On a mission for your children
To be the best a mom could be.

You never failed them
And they adore you for it.
You fight like a true champion
Never going down no matter how hard your hit

Life is tough and has been to you.
Never complained and always maintained.
An attidue that admired by all.
A desire to see you win it all.

Some people just saw your beautiful face.
And the stubborn determination.
But oh not me.
One look at you up close.

And I saw those Million Dollar eyes.
Filled with so much beauty.
But yet not beauty alone
Filled with so much more.

One look from you is worth a Million.
A new man found just that out.
One look and he was in for a Million.
A million miles of travel he would do.

Just to be with you.
He picks you up when you are down.
You pick him up when he is down.
A match for you so deserving.

That look once worth a million.
Because of your new love.
Your eyes now sparkle with love.
Those eyes are now worth a trillion!!!

Words I know

2007-09-25T22:24:00.001-04:00

Words I know

Son, I watched you grow from a boy to a man.
It was hard sitting here sometimes.
Watching you struggle along the way.

Some days I just wanted to reach down and pick you up.
Dust you off and slap you in the butt.
Tell you to keep on moving on.

Other days I just wanted to knock you down myself.
Tell you are a spoiled little one.
And that it just don’t work that way.

Either way I knew it would be tough.
To sit and watch you grow into a man.
Tough to know when to do what for you.

I wanted to be your guiding hand.
And not the steering hand.
The loving hand and not pushing you down hand.

So when to hold back and when to let go.
Was the hardest thing because I didn’t know.
I learned with you and hoped you knew that I loved you.

I could have said it a time or two.
I loved you so much and was proud of you.
Words I know that I didn’t let go.

You deserve to know though son.
I am so proud of you then and now.
I loved you so from the very day you were born.

My son, you make my World go.
Keep on doing it your way.
Cause I am so proud of my boy.

You make my World go round.
I loved watching you grow.
And now it is your time.

To make your very own.
Watch them grow.
They will make your World go too.

Just let em know that you love em too.
And keep them loving you.
They are word I know.

Words I didn’t say enough son.
So don’t you make my mistake too.
Just let em know they are the ones that make your World go round.

Son, I just have to let you know.
I loved you from the day you were born.
And I will love you even when I am gone.

They are words I know……….I love you son.

Words can’t hurt me.

2007-09-25T22:23:00.004-04:00

Words can’t hurt me.

Words can’t hurt me.
Tell me that again and again.
Cause I ain’t believing it.
Words can’t hurt.

Oh no they can’t hurt me.
Sticks and stones you say?
They bring pain for real.
Something you can see.

Words though can’t bring pain you say.
Your words, they crushed me inside.
They changed me and sent me spinning in life.
You can’t see my pain. Oh no?

Words can’t hurt me.
Tell me that again and again.
Cause I ain’t believing it.
Words can’t hurt.

Bring on those sticks.
Bring on those stones.
I will take that pain every damn day.
Bring them on.

Please daddy no more words.
No that pain doesn’t go away.
You hold the cure to that pain.
You hold it tight and won’t let it go.

The pain pierces my very core.
I search for the answers.
For the keys to unlock the pain.
Daddy you hold that key.

Words can’t hurt me.
Tell me that again and again.
Cause I ain’t believing it.
Words can’t hurt.

You said I wasn’t meant to be.
How could you not see the pain in me?
Could you not hear my heart shatter?
Could you not see the hole in my little soul?

I never wanted to let you down.
I always wanted to make you proud.
Words can’t hurt me you say.

I found my own keys now daddy.
I unlocked my pain daddy.
The healing comes.
Bring on the words.

Cause there ain’t no hole in my soul now.
No there ain’t no shattered heart anymore.
No pain in my brain daddy.
Your words, there gone.

Daddy you were right about one thing.
And that is…

Words can’t hurt me.
Words can’t hurt me now
Not now, not ever again.

Words can’t hurt me.
Words can’t hurt me now.
Not now, not ever again.

Why go on?

2007-09-25T22:23:00.003-04:00

Why go on?

We had it all, yes we had it all!!
Then in an instant you were gone.
It was all gone at that moment.

The World in our hands!!
Like puddy for us to mold.
Our World in our way.

Then in an instant it all changed.
Here now and then gone.
I can begin to understand it.

I can’t wrap my mind around it.
You’re gone and so am I.
I died that day too, just like you.

Why go on without you?
My hope went with you.
My spirit went with you too.

My dreams fade with each moment.
With you gone I feel adrift in the ocean.
No land in sight!! I just drift.

We had it all and now it is gone.
So why should I go on?
I wanna be where you are again.

I miss that loving touch.
Those eyes that led me to your soul.
Why go on without you?

My heart beats the same
But yet each beat is filled with pain.
I don’t wanna feel no more pain.

I just want to be with you.
If you are gone.
Then I want to be gone.

It hurts so much to try and soldier on.
I feel so empty now that you are gone.
Why, why should I go on?

Who is it?

2007-09-25T22:23:00.001-04:00

Who is it?

Looking in the mirror.
I saw someone I didn’t know.
Someone who looked so sad.
So worn by time.
Someone without much hope.

I realized I had changed.
I barely recognized myself.
The mirror told the truth.
I was in a sad state.

I closed my eyes.
I squeezed them tight.
Hoping to erase the image I had seen.
I opened them.
Apparently too soon as I was still in a sad state.
Looking like a man I didn’t know anymore.

I struggled as tears formed.
Within my very eyes.
Through the building tears I the mirror changed.
I saw hope deep within.
I saw a chance to fulfill all my dreams.
Then the tear dropped.
Leaving me with the same sad state again.

I wanted another tear just to see it again.
None would come though.
No second look at hope.
As I lowered my head and turned to walk away.
Resigned to my fate.
I walked into the door.
Fell to the floor.

Stars twinkled above me.
I knew then it would be okay.
I began to laugh.
I had to reach for the stars.
They would lead the way.

No more head down for me.
Look up and see the way.
Ahead it is bright.
Looking down it was always dark.

Off I must go now.
Time to go after my stars.
Reach for the joy.
That lies within them.

who are you?

2007-09-25T22:22:00.002-04:00

Who are you?
Who am I?
People in a place.

Just taking up space.
No staying long enough.
To know how it all unfolds.

Here for a moment.
Gone so soon.
Back to dust.

From where we came.
Do we matter in this game?
It spins right round.

We are here for now.
So let’s enjoy the ride.
I want to be right here with you.

Do we matter in the big picture?
Or are we but a thought?
I am not sure I know.

But I do know this one thing.
Rather I am here or there or anywhere.
I want to be right where you are.

Then for me it is always the place to be.
And you will always matter to me.
No place can be better than where you are for me.

Where has she gone?

2007-09-25T22:22:00.001-04:00

Where has she gone?

You walked right in.
Settle right down.
Turned my World right around.

Before I knew it though you were gone.
Left my World spinning around.
It was too soon, too soon for you.
It was so right and we had it in our sights.

It was just too soon.
Too soon, too soon.
Too soon for you to love again.

It was the stuff dreams are made of,
Right here in our hands.
What could we have done different?
Nothing, nothing comes to mind.
We did it just right.
Yes, just right but it was just too soon.
He broke your heart into a million little pieces.
He went out on you and shattered you.
The pieces have yet to be all fall back into place.

We met anyway, we fell in love anyway.
It was all just right until that night.
When you saw him with her.
Then you began to shake.
The fear set in and you began to break.
The pieces started to fall again.
I tried to hold them in place.
I couldn’t, no, I couldn’t hold em all.
You ran away from what felt so right.

It was just too soon.
Too soon, too soon.
Too soon for you to love again.

It was just too soon.
Too soon, too soon.
Too soon for you to love again.

When I am walking,
When I am driving,
When I am sleeping,
I am looking, looking
Just looking for you.
Let me help you.
Let me love you.
Where have you gone?

Where does the road lead?

2007-09-25T22:21:00.004-04:00

Where does the road lead?

Where does our road lead sweetie?
Tell me for I can’t see it today.
It disappears in the fog on the road.
Before the horizon where you hide.
Does our road lead us to be together?
Does our road lead us to heartache?
You say your hopes and dreams.
Lead us together to be as one.
Hopes and dreams?
Or shadows and dust?
Where does the road really lead?
Is it a marriage or a mirage?
What lies down the road?
Will it lead me to thee?
Or just lead me to a new road.
A new journey further from thee?
Where does our road lead sweetie?
We can hope and we can dream.
We can’t know though where it may go.
Two beating hearts?
Or two bursting hearts?
Take it slow, walk the road.
See the twist and turns.
And you will be with me.

Where are you?

2007-09-25T22:21:00.003-04:00

Where are you?

Sometimes things matter
Sometimes they don’t
Who chooses?
Who don’t?

What is right?
What is wrong?
The rules are written
Black, white, and gray!!

Wiggle room there is
For the chosen ones
Were do you fall
Who decides?

Black, white, or gray
Where are you?

When heaven calls

2007-09-25T22:21:00.001-04:00

When heaven calls

Heaven is a wonderful place.
Beautiful, calm, full of all things good.
It is what lies beyond this Earth.
We look to the skies and wonder.

When will our call come?
Will we be ready?
We have no choice but to answer the call.
When does it come?

Heaven is so far away, isn’t it?
Or is it just a call away?
A mere moment in time
Eternity on the other side?

Heaven will call.
Have you given your all?
If not now, then when?
When will heaven call?

So we need to be ready.
Cause heaven will call.
Ready or not you get the call.
Did you do it all?

Do it now, do it now!!!
Don’t wait for tomorrow.
Do it now, you have now.
Make it happen now.

Heaven will call.
Regrets? Who wants em for eternity?
You get choice in there here and now.
Make your statement before heaven calls.

Heaven calls us all.
No way to know when.
No way to delay the end.
Heaven calls us all, but when?

What the future holds….

2007-09-25T22:20:00.004-04:00

What the future holds….

Where did it all begin?
I am not so sure I know.
It seems so long ago.
Seems like I have known you.
Known you all my life.
Even though I’ve just met you.
How can it feel so right?
Society says it is so wrong.
Even though I just met you.
I think I know you.
Maybe it was meant to be.
Maybe it was meant to be.
Why didn’t we find each other long ago?
It would have been, much easier then.
The cards have been dealt now.
Our hands must be played out.
Why couldn’t it have been?
Why couldn’t it have been?
It is what is it is now.
Twisting our hearts through the ringer.
Dreaming of what should’ve been.
Wondering now what can be.
Where does this road lead anyway?
I just know that I need you now.
Walk the road with me, walk it with me now.
Let’s see where it goes
Lets see where it goes and
not even care what the future holds.
Let’s have today now.
Tomorrow is hope for sure.
Maybe it will play out our way.
But lets enjoy today now.
Cause now I have found you.
Here in my arms you are
and here in my heart too.
It coulda been so different back then.
But then is gone now.
So let’s just walk today.
Enjoy the love we have now.
Never taking it for granted.
So it doesn’t really matter,
Doesn’t really matter.
No not where it began or
even how it will end.
Fairy tales aren’t meant for us.
So let’s just enjoy this.
Share a new found love between us.
Bring happiness to us.
Smile for me cause I smile for you.
Enjoy now with me.
Cause I enjoy now with thee.
It doesn’t matter where the road leads.
Just walk with me and love me.
I wanna walk with you and love you too.

What is your biggest fear?

2007-09-25T22:20:00.003-04:00

What is your biggest fear?

I think everyone probably fears something from time to time. Are you afraid of the dark? After of spiders? Mice? Water? I think everyone has some sort of fear such as these fears. These though are not what I am talking about. The fear I am talking about is deep within you. It is in your soul and it is part of you just like the blood that flows through your veins. It is likely something that scares you greatly and shakes your very foundation to the core. It is the fear that you tell to no one and yet the one that keeps you up at night. It lives in you and you give it life. In fact you are its life!!!

What would make you fall to your knees? What would make you shake or tremble in fear or panic? What would tighten every single muscle in your body? What do you fear so much that if it happened you think you would die?

The fear I am talking about is real and does exist in us all in some form. For me that fear is of proving I am a mistake. The fear of being found out that I am a fraud and really am a failure. That I really wasn’t meant to be here on this Earth and I only am because someone else made a mistake. The fear shakes me to my core inside!! Every step that I take and every pump of my heart that fills my veins with blood reminds me that I live in that fear. It is with me, it is me!! What if it is true? What if it is right? Then what do I do or what do I become? How would I go on? Why would I go on if I was found out to be a mistake? Can I ever get away from that fear?

I sure hope so but I think these types of fears are hard to get away from for most people. You can’t run from it. You can’t hide from it and turning on the lights doesn’t make it go away. If it wants you to know it is there or feel it then that is exactly what is going to happen. And it goes back deep inside and waits when it wants to as well.

If anyone ever confirmed my biggest fear then I would crumble. The big wall that has been there called my life would crumble and shatter into a billion pieces never to be restored again. How can I stay ahead of it? How can I not be found out to be a mistake? I keep putting on this front and people buy it. I am some nice, loving, sweet, kind, gentle and successful man. However, inside rages a hell that few can ever know and a hell that few would ever survive if it was theirs to live!!

Everyday it feels like I get up and have to put on a suit and mask to hide the demon that I can see in the mirror. I know it is there but all of you don’t, all of you are fooled by an outward appearance and a shell. An act to impress and to fool you into thinking that I am worthy and that I exist because I was meant to be here on Earth. If you only knew the truth, what would you think then? Would you still call me a friend? Would you think I was successful or would you shun me? Would you tell me that my fears didn’t matter?

I would like to think that if I started to crumble that my friends would be there with whatever I needed to keep me in one piece. To tell me and remind me that I am actually what you see and not what I fear. I am not what I fear and there is no mask to take off. My fears were only just shadows and minds games. They were fears of something that existed only in my darkest dreams. I face each day because I am strong and I am strong enough to overcome words from my past. I am strong enough to overcome fears from my past and to exercise any demons of yesterday. There is no mask to take off and what I see is really me. I am the kind, sweet, loving, sensitive, and successful man. That is me and will continue to be me. One man can only bring another down if he lets him. Words are just words if you make them be that. They are not concrete or stone and they are not made of anything except sounds. To let them shape or shatter me would be wrong. I was fooled once by the devil to believe I was a mistake and needed to live a charade. The trick though is on him. I used the words to motivate me and to survive when I was young. Now I prosper and look at the devil with a smile on my face. It was my strength and my belief in myself that made me who I am today. No man or woman’s words can break me or bring me down. Now I walk proud and walk to the beat of my own drummer.

What’s in a bag?

2007-09-25T22:20:00.001-04:00

What’s in a bag?

Ok, here is a little adventure I decided to take this morning. I am going to bring you along with me as it looks like it might be enjoyable to have company. And I may need some saving after I write this anyway!!! So be prepared to help me out here!! Especially any guys who read this!!! Got my back? I sure as hell hope so cause this may cause me to head for the hills or the witness protection program as soon as I share it with you. My wife may decide after reading this that I am better off dead!! I am kidding of course but I think this stuff is funny or at least I hope it is at the very least interesting.

So every morning she gets up and gets ready for work, ok not every morning, Monday through Friday. I mean there is a difference on Saturday and Sunday as this process doesn’t always occur and if it does it is often a modified version of the same song and dance. However, I know that so often us guys here the well I am doing it for you. Doing it for me? Really, then how come after you “do it” for me do you leave me? Not sure I understand that one really but I am a guy so what am I to understand anyways out of a woman’s mouth? Sounds like the peanuts talking most of the time to us guys. I know, that is going to get me in some trouble but you know what, it is the truth. I think we just try to catch a few words here or there and then guess on the rest if it is required that we more than grunt or say yes-no to something from women. So if I don’t get it right, do all of us men a favor, speak English ladies and not womanish!!! Can’t find a good book to help me learn that language. I mean who is going to explain it anyway? A guy? Well he doesn’t get it in the first place so he is just damn trying to make his own woman happy. A woman? Hell no!!! Even dumbed down womanish is just too complicated for us guys. Anyway, before I stray to far from the point of this little adventure it is time to move on.

I decided that I wanted to see what was in this bag that started everyday off in some form for my wife. If she was doing it for me then maybe I should take a little more interest in what she was doing to herself!!!

So first thing I grab is the bag!!! Holy cow!!! Think I might have pulled a muscle just moving this thing!!! I notice that the shower rod sighs as I lift this thing off of it!! Man, what the heck is in here? Now I am even more curious but grab some aspirin on my way to ease the pain. So all drugged up now I sit at the table…….

First item is…… drum roll please…. Oil-free eye make-up remover…. Sounds okay and smells okay. I think I might understand this stuff afterall. I read the back a little and come to “incase of eye irritation, discontinue use”. Well what the hell kind of product is this anyway. It is for near your eyes but may irritate your eyes. Okay only thing I use like that is something to clean the sink!! So what the hell you putting on your face girl!!! I think if it may irritate your eyes then maybe it should stay away from your eyes!!!

Next I grab this stuff and I call it stuff because I just am not sure what it is really. A little container about the size of my thumb and flat with two different colors in it. On the back it says “jungle” and Made in Italy. Are there jungles in Italy? I don’t think so but whatever. Is this stuff again for the eyes? If so I can see why we are talking some potent crap to take it off. Why would you put it on anyway? I look like the kind of guy who likes Jungle Jane?

In another pocket is a IPod Shuffle so I pop it on my ears and turn it on. Wow..wow..wow..what the hell is this stuff? Is it pump me up before I go-go to work or something? Off that thing goes as I think my brain is now tainted somehow by that little excursion. Also in that pouch were those goggles for the tanning booth. Why protect your eyes in there? Have you noticed the other stuff you use isn’t really protecting them? I mean you tell me sun block this and sun block that!!! Look what you are doing!! Sun I can pronounce, UV rays….. pretty simple but what the hell is ethyl ester of pvm/ma copolymer?

You play dumb but that stuff right there IS rocket science. I think you belong in NASA or something. I see another bottle here that says Aqua on it!! Hey, even I know that is water but it is womanish for good water I guess or something like that. I need the hair spray with aqua in it!! Ever read that can? Howly cow!! Flamable, no actually highly flammable. Hhhmm, where have I seen that before? Oh yes, on the lighter fluid for my grill!! But you put it in your hair!!! It even tells you to stay away from open flames!! Wow, see now you are right into chemistry and stuff. But if I want to play with chemical it is a no-no or I atleast have to wear those funny protector glasses. So I get the hair spray I guess but why do they make so many different levels? Soft hold, gentle, super, and never movin. I do not get it really…how about one..one level…. Isn’t hair spray to keep your hair in place? Okay..one level!!!

Okay I found something with some sunscreen in it. This stuff looks like a powder and is well, medium beige, is there a difference between all the beiges? Ask us guys and you will get a nice simple answer. NO!!! Beige is well beige girls. Bare Minerals….. with sunscreen….spf 15!! Wow, so you powder this stuff on your face and you get minerals? Plus sun screen and beige color. This is a miracle!!! But what is wrong with vitamins and minerals pills to do the job? How about some real sun screen? Beige…. Why? Is your skin beige? NO!! Another thing is you don’t need this stuff that likely costs more with sunscreen in it. Hey, oh powerful one, you work inside, at a desk!! Unless you have your very own sun lamp or something, you do not need the sunscreen. In fact skip this whole part altogether!!! Your skin color is just fine!!

Now a bag within a bag!!! A pink lace bag….. what good can come of looking in this? None but I am living on the edge today so I peer inside!! There are tools in here!!! A brush, a thing for your eyelashes that looks like something from a torture chamber. I am not sticking my face near that. You jump at scary movies but look at this crap. What do you have to fear on a tv!!! Now I see some lip liner…..why? Can I just ask why? Lips are lips are lips….. why color them..why try to make them bigger? There are things we want to see bigger and those ain’t them baby. What the hell is Dusty Pink? Who thinks of these names?

Okay… I pull out a little green bottle….Fructis Style…. Sounds yummie…. It even has fruit micro-waxes. Okay, so far I can live with this… as a friggin flavor enhancer or something!! Root booster….all day weightless volume!!! What? Huh!! Okay if you spray this in your hair it is going to add weight girls. It is not very often you add something but yet end up with less weight. So is this just the beginning? Is there a weightless food on the way? So this provides all this extra volume and hold without build-up? Okay, again it says you are spraying waxes into your hair…. No build up…hhmmm… where does the wax go? It builds up somewhere!!!

Okay some nice looking tubes here… ultimate mascara (apparently the regular isn’t good enough for the princess), medium coverage foundation (why medium, if you want to cover something cover it or don’t, half ass medium), firming eye gel (I don’t even want to know..friggin alien!!), age fighting moisturizer with sunscreen (omg…look it is going to happen..you are going to age… this stuff will not stop it..really…. honestly…so stop wasting your money on it), something called night solutions (uhm, you use this either before you go to work or at the gym, so do you know what night means?), and finally a hair pick plus a hair twisty twirly thing.

I really just don’t get it until I see the mirror….. then I just know you girls are crazy. This thing would fit in the palm of my hand!!! So if this is good enough why oh why do I have to have mirrors as wall replacements for you to use? This here can’t be good enough!!! You just make no sense.

So putting everything back now…..so much stuff and I didn’t even pull out the two soaps, shampoo, deodorant, and more make-up remover!!

Okay, one last little bottle here… hhhmmm……nice blue color to the liquid inside..see I am sensitive!! Finishing Oil…. That has just got to be something for my damn car. Maybe rub it on instead of Armour All or something? Nope..finishing oil is for after hair removal boys!!! That is just too funny…. I think we call it aftershave….. I wonder if yours stings like crazy or if it was you who made ours so it would sting!!

So that is my little adventure for the morning. Now I need to go workout to feel manly again!!! So off to the gym, if you do not hear from me for days…. I guess I didn’t get away in time.

web of hope

2007-09-25T22:19:00.004-04:00

web of hope

The words they flow so freely.
Freely from your lips.
I had little choice but to be drawn.
Listening to your song.
I never thought I could go wrong.
You promised me the World.
Promised mea better life.
All I had to do was to let you.
And you would create better memories.
Memories of us forever.
Your words flow so freely.
Freely from your lips.
Saying just the right things.
Things I needed to hear.
I was down and you brought me back.
Brought me hope.
Spun your web right around me.
Before I knew it I was trapped.
Couldn’t get free.
Every move just getting me deeper.
Each word from your lips.
Rolled me further into the trap.
Your web of hope.
Caught me now, deep in the web.
Your web of hope.
I needed to have it all.
You promised it to me.
I fell for your words.
The promises of better tomorrows.
It all seemed so good.
It all seemed right.
Until, until I saw you in a different light.
I tried to get away, away from your web.
Your web of hope.
Caught me deep within.
Every word was laced with hope.
You were too good to be true.
Now here I am stuck with you.
Stuck your web.
Web of hope.
Now I am hopeless yet again.
Stuck in your web of lies.
All hope is lost.
In your web of hope.

We understood one another

2007-09-25T22:19:00.003-04:00

We understood one another

An innocent look.
A beginning
We understood one another.
A talk on the phone.
A soothing voice.
We understood one another.
A walk in the park.
Such a beautiful night.
We understood one another.
A look in the eyes.
A soul just like mine.
We understood one another.

Walks and talks.
We understood one another.
It didn’t matter what.
It didn’t matter where.
It didn’t matter how.
It was just rare.
Yes what we had shared.
It was truly rare.

Words were not always needed.
A look would do too.
Between you and me.
It was often just simply understood.
Comfort came from deep within.
A connection so very true.
So very rare too.

One in a million?
One in a billion?
Who really knows?
For sure only once in alifetime.
You and me.
We understood one another.

Watch your Step!?!

2007-09-25T22:19:00.001-04:00

Watch your Step!?!

Everyday we take thousands of steps and yet it is so rare that we think of any one step or a set of steps. We just take them in stride and they all work out. I know some of us stumble and trip or even fall. We get up and dust ourselves offs, starting walking again without any real thought given too it. There are so many days and so many steps with so few thoughts of placement. So many steps with no thoughts of the pace of each or the length of each step, we just keep going till we get to our destination. Then when it is time to go, it happens all over again. It is just part of life and seemingly effortless.

So my question is why make so many other things in life that should or could be as simple as a step so much more difficult. It often seems that simple things are more complicated and the placement of those steps is a challenge, a life altering challenge. We become timid, like walking through a mine field. Where do we step? How hard? We can see road blocks that we can’t easily walk past and begin to think about each and every step. Where do we place our feet? How hard? Before we know it we have become bogged down and the walk is down to a snails pace and then even slower. We just can’t keep the stride up and blow through the perceived minefield. We become so afraid of the misstep that we don’t step at all. We begin to take what should be easy and turn it into something difficult, like learning to walk all over. If we could find a way to trust and accept our own beliefs then we could walk with confidence right to our destination.

My battle with anxiety disorder turns me into someone walking through the mine field and someone who wants to inspect each rock at first, then each pebble, and then even each piece of sand that seems to be out of place around it. I need to know everything before I can move a muscle and begin to place my foot for that next precious step in the minefield. I believe I am heading towards safety but I never get there because I have lost the ability to trust any step. I have lost the ability to take a carefree stride. I am so sure that the end of the mine field keeps changing that I just do not give up the belief that I can actually get out of the mine field. Each step is painful and each step is so timid, so unsure that I barely am able to make progress. There are so many grains of sand to look at before making one step!!!

So how did I get myself out of the mine field and learn to walk again? How did I learn to make those strides and head toward my destination with vim and vigor? I will not tell you it was easy because it wasn’t easy for me. I battled and in fact I still have times and days or even a few days still where the battle slow down my pace as I again figure out the key to my pace, my steps. Then I just go and keep going until there is another bump. Some days maybe I am like the Tortoise from the Tortoise and the Hair stories. The point being that motion forward, steps forward will get me to my goal. If though I pause and begin to look at the rocks, or the pebbles, or the grains of sand that progress is more like ice melting in 33 degree air… slow..so slow and the progress is barely noticeable. So the key to constant steps and not slow painful ones is that you need to trust yourself. Look around you and you will see that others are moving in the same place as you without any hesitation. Same place, same field and yet they walk with a pace to a destination. See them and be them. Find that trust as you will not stumble or fall and you can certainly make it where they make it. You can!!! I did!! I am no different than you are and certainly no better. I am your equal and I made it. Trust me, believe me, take that first step after thinking your need to stop and look. Take it and see, you will be around to take the next step as you are only in your own personal mine field. So walk, trust yourself that is just does not exist because others around you are walking just fine without trouble. They do not fear a misstep to end their Worlds and neither should you. Take your own beautiful steps, the first ones are the hardest, just like when you were a baby, but they are the beginning of a lifetime of steps on your own. Your steps, your choice of placement and pace!!! You can do this, walk, be free!!! WALK!!!!!!!!!!!! NO NEED TO WATCH THOSE STEPS!!!

Watch me

2007-09-25T22:18:00.004-04:00

Watch me

I feel it in my bones. I feel it in my heart.
Every beat I get stronger.
Every moment I want to live longer.
I want it all don’t you see.
No settling for second best anymore.
I may have been down.
I may have been blue too.
Never count me out.
That was a mistake made by you.
I may have looked weak.
I may have looked fragile.
Appearances can fool you too.
I am more than you ever saw.
I am more than you will ever believe.
Deep within me is a man wanting to be great.
Struggling with my demons for now.
Don’t count me out cause I will rebound.
You will see how I will be soon.
A man with a plan to be great.
Making my own path through this life.
Not willing to be a follower.
Daring to be a leader.
Follow me cause I am heading for greatness.
Watch me grow to be a great man right before you.

Walking into the Dark.

2007-09-25T22:18:00.003-04:00

Walking into the Dark.

You mystify me
You amaze me with your bravery.

You move forward
When others move back

What drives you one way?
When we all want to go the other way?

How can you walk into the darkness?
When we all seek the light?

Fear is part of the equation for me.
Fear is something you walk right on past.

I know I am not like you.
Not many are like you.

I am thankful.
Thankful for those like you.

They call you a firefighter.
I call you a Hero.

Walk with me toward destiny

2007-09-25T22:18:00.001-04:00

Walk with me toward destiny

We met and the day was fine.
I could not have wanted more.
Okay, so I could have
But not on that day.

Perfect as perfect can be.
A script from a movie for you and me.
Dreams only try to be this way.
Wow oh wow is all I can say.

Time passed too quick and it was the end of the day.
You go that way and I go this way.
When was the next time?
No, not soon enough.

A next time there would be.
For that we were certain.
The pull was too strong
To just be gone and be done

That would be just so wrong.
To be two ships passing in the night.
Would be failing fates delight.
We are drawn to each other for another.

Yes, we meet again.
I look in your eyes and see
A space, a place for me.
I know you will let me in

A hug that seems to make us as one.
But after all aren’t we destined to be one?
Can’t fight it and there is no denying it.
Just feel it and let it be the right one.

Perfect as perfect can be.
A script from a movie for you and me.
Dreams only try to be this way.
Wow oh wow is all I can say.

As you left again.
I watched you walk away
With a piece of me.
Inside of you.

Hooked by our souls
To be denied would be our fall
Your are my future
To hell with my past.

This is our script
One for the ages
One for all time
Walk with me toward destiny

Walk in his shoes.

2007-09-25T22:17:00.003-04:00

Walk in his shoes.

When I was a little man
I used to look up at you big man.
Hey, that cool guy there..
Yup, right there, he is my Dad.
I wanted to be just like my Dad.
I wanted to wear his shoes.
I wanted to walk in his footsteps.
Just wanted to be like Dad.
He taught me all the important things in life.
He taught me to fish.
He taught me to tell jokes.
He taught me to hunt too.
Yup, my Dad, he taught me a lot.
I learned to drive.
He taught me to race.
He passed his knowledge to me.
No holding back from Dad.
He just showed us all the way.
I followed till I got older.
Then wanted to walk in my own shoes.
That was okay with Dad too.
He sat back and watched me go.
Knowing in the end that I would be right back there.
Looking to him for the answers I couldn’t find out there.
Overtime I grew to be a man.
I could tell he was proud even if I didn’t walk in his shoes.
Dad grew ill and passed one day.
I always think of Dad no matter what I do.
Hunting, fishing, racing, or even just being a Dad too.
It seems that after all I do walk in his shoes.

The View

2007-09-25T22:17:00.001-04:00

The View

I wobbled, I stumbled.
You caught me off guard.
Walls down and clear path. I let you in.
Nothing to stop the shot that hit my heart.

It hit me hard, harder than I thought.
Not unexpected but still stinging.
Took my breath away for an instant.
When I was ready to play you just walked away.

I didn’t fall even though you clocked me good.
My knees buckled and I shoulda fell to the ground.
I had always done so before, ah but not this time.
This time though something else kicked in.

A fight I seem to have forgotten I had within me.
Arose from within, I didn’t fall but instead forged ahead.
Humbled I was for sure.
Inside alive and ready to fight on, so that is just what I did.

No time to step back and watch.
Cause the World goes on no matter what.
If I fall, it goes by just the same and I lay just watching.
This time though, things blurred but I didn’t go down.

I did what I set out to do with you.
Climb up and away on that very day.
To enjoy the view but not with you.
Alone on top but enjoying the view on my own.

I love the view from above.
Working harder to make it up.
Even when I feel like not going up.
I did and I will again.

For now I know that I can be wobbled.
I can stumble and bumble all I want.
In the end, I have the strength to go on all night.
To the top where I can enjoy the view, it makes it all seem right.

up is down?

2007-09-25T22:16:00.002-04:00

up is down?

Where did I go wrong?
Cause everything just seems so off now.
Up is down, down is up.
Left is right and right is left.

Somewhere I got spun around.
Or maybe spun right upside down?
I just don’t where I am headed
I lost my direction.

Should I go this way?
Or maybe it is that way?
No that doesn’t seem right.
I just go someway.

Up is down, down is up.
Left is right and right is left.
Somewhere I got spun around.
Or maybe spun right upside down?

Where to go? Which way?
Tell me, point me, somewhere?
I am lost in direction.
Not sure how to right the ship.

Up and down!!
Down and Up
Spinning round and round.
So dizzy from going round.

Up is down, down is up.
Left is right and right is left.
Somewhere I got spun around.
Or maybe spun right upside down?

down

2007-09-25T22:16:00.001-04:00

Down

I am struggling.
I am falling.
I am breaking.
Down on myself.
Down life.
Down to my last straw.

Where are you?
Nowhere to be found.
So quickly you turned away.
I never should have expected you to stay.
You just turned and walked away.
When I was up you were around.
Now you can’t be found.

Untitled

2007-09-25T22:15:00.003-04:00

Untitled

BEEP……BEEP…..BEEP……sounded the alarm clock and eventually Brian turned and hit the snooze button. He wanted that extra few minutes of sleep before starting his day. Too soon it went off again and he reached over onto the night stand, slid the button to off even though he wished to hit snooze. It was 6:10am and he was starting his day off on the wrong foot by getting up late. He didn’t hit snooze often but this was one of those rare occasions. He slid the sheets back and slowly slid his feet to the floor. There was a chill in the air as fall was nearing. He always slept with the window atleast cracked, even in the winter but the room felt unusually cool to him this morning. He stood and stretched his arms touching the ceiling above as he stood on his tip toes. It felt good to stretch and he decided to walk over to the window and see what the day had in store for weather. He looked through the screen and smelled the freshness of the air. He breathed in deeply to fill his lungs with the air. As he let it out he noticed his neighbor in her window and he felt the urge to turn away before she saw him but did not listen to the urge. He let his fore arms rest on the window sill. She was a beautiful girl but rough on the edges and had a hard life from what little he knew. They had talked a little here and there but it had never gone anywhere as he just was not that interested in adding baggage to his life. It was full enough for him and he still had dreams to achieve before adding a woman to the mix, atleast anything serious. He started to daydream as his eyes lost focus while gazing out the window. He was brought back into the real World by screams coming from the direction of his neighbor’s apartment. His eyes snapped back to focus and where met with a man’s in the window he was transfixed on during his daze. The man was holding his neighbor from behind and had a knife to her throat. As their eyes locked on one another the knife slid through her throat and the screaming stopped as she slumped in his arms and then he let her fall to the floor. Brian was frozen with disbelief as he got the chills now from fear and not the cool air. He turned from the window in shock and disbelief, not sure what he saw. Was it real? No, it couldn’t have been real. He must have imagined it or something. No, he knew it was real and went to pick up the phone. He grabbed it and began t punch the numbers 9-1-1 but as he struck the first 1 there was aloud banging on his door. He tried to ignore it but it was only getting louder and more forceful. He pushed the final 1 and the phone began to ring… ring..ring..ring… 9-1-1- emergency..what is your emer…. THE DOOR Crashed open with a loud bang!!! The man who’s eyes he just locked with was now in his apartment and heading for him quickly. He turned and headed for the bedroom but stumbled as he turned and the phone went flying….. crashing to the floor and sliding into the wall. He continued to the bed room and slammed the door just as the man was about to reach it. “Get your ass out here now!!! We need to talk this over and come to an understanding!!” the man yelled as he pounded on the bedroom door. Brian was opening the screen and heading onto the fire escape as if there was a fire inside!! The man slammed his shoulder into the door until it gave from his strength. Once in it took him only seconds to see the open window and figure out that this guy was already gone. It didn’t matter as he would find him and make sure he kept quiet. Too much was on the line to just hope that the guy wouldn’t be able to identify him. He heard a mumbling and saw the phone on the floor. He picked it up and said “hello”… The response was not as he had hoped….. “sir..are you okay? We have PD in route, please stay on the line..” click as he pushed the disconnect button before throwing the phone against the wall as hard as he could. It shattered upon impact!! He knew he only had moments now to get the hell out of the area and blend in with the little life that was around so early in the morning. He looked around quickly and grabbed a photograph of the guy and some others…. Looked a little more….on the coffee table was mail and he grabbed a few pieces, he shoved it all inside his coat and zippered it up as he headed out the door. No neighbors where in the halls but he kept his head down just the same as headed for the stairs. Down and out…. He turned the corner towards his car as the sirens were drawing nearer.

The officers entered the building cautiously and slowly made their way to the apartment. As they closed in they saw shoe prints that were made from blood heading the same way that they were down the hall towards apartment #201. The door was open and they announced themselves before slowly entering the apartment. As they looked around they did not see anyone in the apartment. The officers looked around and saw the smashed phone on the floor and the blood trail that ended in the living room. In the bedroom the screen was open and it led to a fire escape. They called back to the station for detectives to come to the seen as it was now above just a regular call and they could do little more but search back to where the bloody shoe trail came from and see if everyone was okay in that direction. The officers followed the trail down the dimly lit hallway and then around the corner and down the parallel wing of the complex. The trail became more pronounced as they headed in this direction but still there were only one set of shoes making the trail. It led to a door that was closed. They knocked and knocked on the door announcing they were police officers. They tried to enter but it was locked and the decision to enter was a tough one but they could not as the trail led away and they had found nobody needing help. It would be the detectives call they decided and a warrant would likely be needed which again would go above their pay grade. No reasonable proof that someone was in fact injured in the apartment as the trail led away and not in. So they secured the area for the detectives.

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PART 2
Brian had made it to his car which was parked on the street just around the corner and not far from the apartment complex. He had run from the fire escape to the alley and cut to the street where his car was as quick as he could run. He fumbled with the keys as he tried to open the door and dropped them. He heard the sirens coming and looked around him for the man he figured would be right on his tail. He didn’t see him or anyone around and decided he could just go back and tell them what he had seen from his apartment window. He did not see the guy and figured he was long gone now that the sirens were growing closer. There was no chance that this guy would stick around so Brian picked up his keys and began to walk back. He thought about walking back on the sidewalk to the front of the building as the alley wasn’t exactly the best lit place and maybe this guy had decided to hide there for some reason. He really didn’t want to walk all the way around though and decided he was just being overly cautious as he turned towards the alley.

Detective Ed Martinez was enjoying a coffee at his apartment when the call came that he was needed across town. He was a 30 year veteran of the force and had been a detective for 22 of those years. He was nearing the end of his career and was thankful for everyday that ticked off of the clock that he went home safe. His days of taking chances were behind him now and he did things by the book and made sure to cross his T’s and dot his I’s. He just wanted to get to the end and retire. That retirement was only a month away and now so he could almost taste it. A great pension and he would be off on his boat. Fishing and drinking was the plan. He had bought the boat instead of a house not long ago as he planned to live a life of leisure to the end of his days. His dream was to travel from port to port until he found one that he could not pry himself from and that would be home. He had never married and didn’t have any children as he was dedicated to his career and decided long ago he did not want anyone to worry about him while he was out taking the chances that he used to take back in the day. Now he would find a woman and maybe adopt a child but that part of his life was not planned as much as hoped. He just wanted to make it to the day and get on the boat. Soon he told himself as he pulled on his jacket and headed out the door towards what seemed like a fairly simple call across town.

Coming out of the alley he saw Brian headed towards him and paused in the shadows. This just might play out nicely after all. He had parked his car in the back of the building to not be seen on that same street if he could at all help it and planned to just slink away after taking care of Melanie and all the trouble she was causing him at home and at work. He didn’t want to kill her but she just didn’t seem to know how to let go. He could not allow her to derail his nice new family and his recent promotion at work. He did what he needed to do and now just needed to shut this guy up!!

Brian walked into the alley with a racing heart as his gut was telling him not to do it but his macho male side told him to stop being a wimp and keep on going. He did just that until he was knocked into the wall of the brick building by what felt like a truck. He turned as the man grabbed him. Brian’s heart sunk as their eyes met for the second time that morning. Brian did not realize how big the guy was until now and it added to the intimidation greatly. This guy was really a big man with muscles upon muscles. He lifted Brian off of the ground and looked him in the eyes as he said “Look here Brian Lupal!!! You need to forget what you saw this morning!! If you do not, you will be next. If you forget it then you live!!! Shake your head if you understand!!” Brian had no choice but to shake his head in agreement. The hulking man lowered Brian to the ground but did not let go of him. He shook him and told him “Now get out of here and do not come back. Disappear!! You understand me. If they get a hold of you…. You were out of town and saw nothing. Nothing!!!” Brian shook his head in agreement as the hand let go of his shirt. The man pointed back out of the alley towards the direction Brian had come and pushed Brian in that direction. They both headed that way and Brian wanted to run but wasn’t sure that was the smart move so he just walked with this man not far behind him. He got to his car and got in as quickly as he could and this time he did not drop his keys. He looked but the man was gone. Brian put his head down and tried to gather his thoughts for just a moment. Then he put his keys in the ignition, started the car, and went off towards his brother’s house on the other side of town.
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Part 3
He watched Brian pull away from his parking spot and then turned towards his own car. The sirens were very near now and it would only be moments before they were right out front on the other side of the building from him. He opened his trunk and picked up his cell phone and saw that he had a couple new messages. He decided to change his shoes first as he knew there was likely some blood on them and it would be best to not be wearing them. So he switched shoes and then decided to check his cell messages as he closed the trunk and entered the car. He sat and got himself comfortable as the phone retrieved the messages. The first was from his wife telling him that she loved him and that work was looking for him. She said they wanted him to call in but that was not unusual. He deleted the message and up came the next message, it was Maria and it sent chills up his spine as she lay dead only inside that building and he had done it. Now the guilt was slowly creeping in but then the message slowly turned the guilt into anger as she threatened to tell his wife and his work if he did not keep taking care of her. She reminded him it would not be easy to get her out of his life. He smiled when he heard that as he had already done so and it was pretty damn easy. She didn’t suspect it and didn’t put up a fight. The only problem was this Brian Lupal but he was confident he had scared the guy enough. He would have to scare him though again to drive home the point and truly get the idea in his head. He was sure he wouldn’t leave for good and figured another visit may help that actually play out. He needed to control this one piece and then it would all be fine again. Life would be back to normal, which meant it was in his control. He needed that and would have it again. The third message came up and it was work calling for him. He was to report to a call on Franklin Street and meet Detective Martinez on scene. He smiled as he could not believe his good fortune and quickly turned the starter and pulled out from the curb to head to the front of the building where the rest of the cars would be parked. He turned a couple of corners and was there in front of the building. He had to pretend to not know what was going on and to let it play out. He would guide things if they needed to be guided but this would also give him the inside information to keep Brian in check.

Detective Martinez had only arrived a few moments before he saw the car of Detective Vinney Cabrera pull up behind his vehicle. He did not really like the young hot shot but he had no choice about who command assigned to him and had been told that they thought he would be a good influence on the younger detective. He didn’t like the kids style but also thought that maybe it was because the kid was a bit like him in his younger days. Not always playing by the rules and thinking that you had the World in your hands. That you were untouchable and that everyone should fear the ground you walk on. He chuckled to himself as he remembered those days and just how close he had come to stepping on the wrong side of the line. He hoped this kid wouldn’t be anywhere near the line. He just wasn’t sure he could avoid the pitfalls and temptations out there to be bribed or to look the other way. To set up your own deals in the neighborhoods. Ed knew it was inviting as he had been offered so many different things over the years and likely could have gotten away with it too. He would have been set for life now and his dreams would not be tied to a pension from the city either. He thought hard about it bit had decided long ago that the only steps he would take on the other side of the line were to bring those who crossed it back over to the right side before IAD got a hold of them. He believed that you became an officer with good intentions and that even if you strayed that you would look for a way back if you could get there. He had made it part of his life to cross and bring guys back. It had been dangerous and it had played in the decision to not have a family waiting for him. He could not ask them to have to live in fear of him not coming home or of someone out for revenge. He just hoped that this young gun didn’t get caught up in it as he had a nice family and it could all be gone before you knew what happened. He hoped he could steer him straight and narrow.

Detective Cabrera extended his hand to Detective Martinez and gave it a firm hardy shake. They exchanged a little chit chat about home life and the scores form last nights games before getting into the information about the call. Vinney let Ed guide the conversation as it would help ease things and not make him seem to anxious either. The two detectives headed towards the building.

Brian was racing across town in his black Honda Civic and was not paying as much attention as he should have been to the road. He went through a red light and quickly saw blue lights behind him. He pounded the steering wheel as he just wanted to get away from there, as far away as possible. His brother’s home was not too far away. He wanted to talk it over with him. He needed some advice from someone. He pulled his car to the curb and the police cruiser pulled in behind him.
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Part 4
As they entered the building Vinney let Ed lead the way as to not show any indication he knew which way to go to either apartment. As they headed down the hall the bloody shoe prints were pointed out to them by an Officer. Vinney’s heart began to race as he knew he had made a mistake by leaving the trail and he only hoped his feet were somewhat close to the size of Brian’s. Ed asked the Officer to call forensics to come and get photographs plus take samples. When they got to the apartment door they stopped to look at the door itself which had been damaged. Vinney quickly suggested that it looked like it had been pushed in but the door looked weak and just about anyone could have probably pushed it in. He wanted to shape this and add any little piece of information that he could to separate him from the pack if he could do so without raising suspicion. He had the knife with him and hoped to be able to drop it here somewhere unseen. Then he could “find it” and pull it from its place forgetting to be careful with it. Thus contaminating it with his prints!!! He knew this would lead them to the other apartment and to be able to get inside of it. He thought it was better if he was there and could maybe rearrange anything that needed to be changed to benefit him. Detective Martinez was on his cell phone with the crime scene unit trying to get them here sooner because of the blood evidence that he did not want to degrade anymore than it needed to just incase it turned out to be important. He was making his way towards the shattered phone. This seemed like a great time to Vinney as he headed into the bedroom and around to the side of the bed closest to the fire escape. He looked back towards the door as he slipped the knife between the mattress and frame but left the handle sticking out. It was a big butcher knife he had grabbed while in the apartment as his plan to shoot her just didn’t seem safe but now it would have been the better of his choices as he could have done what he could to make it quiet and be long gone before anyone saw him. It didn’t work out that way and now he would make it work out this way. He was confident in the outcome of this scenario as well. He would frame the kid and then he would either be on the run or be in prison. If the opportunity presented itself he would shoot him and say he pulled a gun or was reaching for something. It would work and he was confident in that. He could out think this old Detective he had to deal with and if not he would figure something out. Everything had a solution in Vinney’s eyes. Vinney hollered for Ed to come into the bedroom and see what he found. As Ed entered Vinney grabbed the knife from the spot he had placed it with his uncovered hand. Ed yelled “No, don’t touch it like that!!! Vinney, you must no better than that!!” Vinney looked at Ed with a quizzical look and shrugged his shoulders. He apologized to Ed and it was quickly dismissed as a rookie error even though Ed was not sure how he could not know that very fundamental rule. Vinney dropped the knife onto the bed and Ed noticed a cut on his finger. “Hey, did you just cut yourself when you grabbed that? You have to be careful. That looks like it might need stitches.” Inside Vinney smiled as he responded, “I guess I did… geez..that is one sharp knife. I will get this looked at later. When we are done here. I will be careful to not get blood everywhere, I promise.” Ed did not like this carelessness but the bosses had told him to teach the kid so he would try and do just that, teach him. He told him to go to the car and bandage it up before they continued the investigation.

The Officer approached Brian’s car with a confident walk as he rolled down his window. “Sir, Do you know why I pulled you over?” the Officer inquired and Brian just nodded. “Sir, would you like to tell me why you went through the light?” Brian wanted to tell him what he had just seen but decided he wouldn’t do that just yet. It would be better to get his brother’s opinion. “Alright then, license and registration.” Brian handed the items over and knew a ticket was coming for sure. He had no record and had never even received a ticket before. The Officer finished his work in the patrol car and then came back towards the car. “Sir, here is a ticket. If you had been honest I would likely have just given you a warning considering your clean record. Please pay attention to the road and drive safely.” The Officer handed him his license and registration back before turning to head back to his cruiser. Brian was relieved that he was able to get out of there and didn’t care about the ticket. His life matter more to him than this little ticket did to him. He slowly pulled from the curb and concentrated on his driving in hopes of blocking out the other thoughts that were racing through his mind. He drove cautiously towards his brother’s home.
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Part 5
Vinney made his way to the car and opened the trunk to access the first aid kit that was in each and every car owned by the department. He opened it up and slowly looked through the contents trying to figure out what would work to cover the cut but not keep him from dropping a little of his blood here or there if he needed to do so to explain anything. He thought it would be a good idea to have some of his blood in the apartment they were going to next and where they would find a dead woman. It would make it impossible to pin this on him in the end and he knew smirked at just how smart he was. He picked a bandage that covered the cut but was easy for him to move as well to access the open wound. He shut his trunk and headed back towards the building.

Ed was still furious inside at the stupidity of this kid and just did not truly believe he was that stupid. Everyone knew not to handle evidence with your bare hands. It was on every TV show that involved crime. The kid was cocky and arrogant but he was not stupid. Ed wondered why he had been so careless but decided that maybe just this time the kid was that stupid and tried to let it go. He had a situation here that just did not add up to the puzzle before him and he knew there were more pieces that he needed. Where did the foot prints come from and was the person who made them hurt? Being chased? Was anyone in this apartment? What about the other apartment? So many questions still needed to be answered to help figure out this puzzle. He decided the next step was to enter the other apartment and see what clues could be gained from that while the CSI crew worked on this apartment for any more clues it could yield.

Brian arrived in front of his brother’s home and pulled his car to the side of the road but did not get out. He wanted to but also was having second thoughts about getting his family involved. He was thinking maybe he could just be quiet and go on with his life as if nothing had happened. Could he just ignore what he saw and go forward? Would that man really come after him or was he long gone too? Should he just go to the police? He didn’t know but didn’t want to get his family involved either and decided to just head somewhere to think for a few hours atleast to gain some perspective. He pulled away from the curb and headed down the road.

Ed was waiting for Vinney as he entered the building. Ed asked Vinney if he was fine and ready to go to the next apartment. Ed looked at Vinney’s hand and then told him to be damn careful with that as he could contaminate the whole scene if he wasn’t careful. Vinney apologized to Ed for his foolishness and made sure Ed knew he wouldn’t do it again. He had to get Ed to believe that he wouldn’t anyways. He knew if he contaminated the crime scene then the case would be junk as nobody would suspect him and he now had Ed to back him up on cutting his hand at the scene which would explain his blood everywhere. Now it was time to go and make sure he had left nothing else in her apartment. Finish this scene and then just worry about Brian and if needed he would take care of him as well.
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Part 6

Tustle with Rattlesnake

2007-09-25T22:15:00.001-04:00

Tustle with Rattlesnake

Less than 24 hours after falling short at Tumbledown because of my own lack of preparedness I decided to prepare and challenge myself today. I was still a little weak and sore from yesterday. Still trying to re-hydrate so why push it today? It wasn’t about fun today as if it were I never would have left. Today was about challenging myself, facing any demons from yesterday and just plain knocking them silly and out of my system. Doubt is a funny thing and once it creeps in, you chase it and lose sight of what the real issues are and the real goals. I am not going to let that happen. Today was all about that and all about me answering my own desires. No doubts, no questions……. Today I would face Rattlesnake and while it isn’t the biggest mountain around it offers some steep terrain to get to the top at over 1,000 ft. I had climber over twice as high yesterday but battle fatigued today this would serve my purpose. I had been thrown down Tumbledown and now would tame this snake.

I left early enough today and had plenty of water, food, and clothing. It looked like rain but I thought I could still do this one either way. I popped the co-ordinates into my GPSr and headed the 25 miles from home to the parking area. As I was driving the doubts tried to creep in and sabotage this summit attempt just as they had done yesterday. What if this and what if that…… this and that ..that and this…. It was invading my thoughts and crowding out the positive ones every so slowly. I was in the mist of an attack, my chest started to pound and then hurt. Was this a heart attack I wonder as the pain grew sharper and my doubts grew greater. I did not turn around and instead focused on the GPSr and the time it told me I had left till I reached the parking area. An every tick off that time I knew I was a little closer to chasing these doubts out of my head. Could I make it there before I was overwhelmed? Tick tock… so slowly it counted down and the road seemed so long and twisting to me. Finally, I make it to the lot. I am the only car there and that provokes other thoughts of doubt. So I park and begin to prepare for the hike. I am battling shaky knees and sweat from the anxiety. My mind tries to tell me I can’t do this and I will fail, as the aches from yesterday howl a little louder. I ignore these demons beckoning me to stop. I look towards the path and it goes through a field and into a dark hole in the woods, how appropriate I thought. My fears, they lie beyond this field and in that dark tunnel. I take the first step, the second, and boldly follow with others. I reach the woods and delve forward into the tunnel, I know now it is me and this mountain. Who wins? I begin to rebound and find the strength with each stride. I slowly begin to swat the doubts away with each step of the ascent. I am at a breath taking pace upwards. I know I should go slower but the doubts drive me faster as I rid them from my system and continue upwards. I feel the pain in my legs and the sweat pouring out of me. I ignore it and drink as I walk, breathing harder yet I press on and on. Soon the summit is near and when I do reach it I am not elated as I have been on my other summits. No big smile this time as I cross that last crest to the views. A sense of relief, yes, that is what it was for me this time. I did it. Doubts gone….. anxiety…. Beaten again. I pushed through and did it. I am tired and the rain is very near. No time to enjoy as I turn and head back down the same path I had come up. The descent is much more pleasant as I know I have done what I wanted to do. Today, I chased away the doubts!!!

Turning the pages

2007-09-25T22:14:00.002-04:00

Turning the pages

Turning the pages baby.
Trying to flip back through time.
Trying to find why you aren’t mine.

Turning the pages.
To a better place in time.
Trying to turn back time.

It aint workin no more.
I can’t turn the pages.
New ones keep flipping by.

New pages are passing me by now baby.
Can’t let that happen
Can’t keep missin time.

But baby, oh baby.
I want to turn back time.
To when you were mine.

Trying to turn back the pages.
To a better place in time.
The pages are faded.

Trying to unlock time.
Can’t do it baby.
Time is gone, gone for ever.

Only memories on those pages.
Faded and jaded memories.
Turning back the pages.

Is a waste of time.
Can’t make yesterday today.
No matter how hard I try baby.

Turn a new page with me.
Lets make today our time.
Turn this page with me baby.

Today we can write the page together.
Making memories for another time.
When we turn back the pages.

But we can’t turn back time.
I wish it was different baby.
I still want you to be mine.

Turn a new page with me baby.
Come and be mine.
The page is blank and we have time.

A clean page baby.
Is all I ask.
You won’t be wasting time.

Turn a new page with me.
Lets make today our time.
Turn this page with me baby.

Trying to turn back the pages.
To a better place in time.
The pages are faded.

Trying to unlock time.
Can’t do it baby.
Time is gone, gone for ever.

Only memories on those pages.
Faded and jaded memories.
Turning back the pages.

Time is passing me by baby.
Turn a new page with me.
We still got time.

Turn away

2007-09-25T22:14:00.001-04:00

Turn away

Why must you turn away?
Every time I look at you.
You just turn away.
Was it something I said to you?
What makes you turn away?
What makes you turn away?
him:
I look at you and wonder why.
Why do you turn away?
How can I make it go away?
Just look into my eyes.
You will see a love for you.
A love inside me that is for you.
So why do you turn away.

her:
I turn away because I have too.
We can’t be together.
I know you love me.
And I love you too.
We just can’t be.
I want to run to you.
Just to have you hold me.
But I have to turn away.

Both:

Why must love be so hard?
I wish it was easy.
Just so we could be.
Together for awhile.
Can’t we freeze time somehow?
Let’s just sneak away.
Sneak away for a day.
Together we will be as one.
At least for a single day.
I just want to hold you.

him:

Please don’t turn away.
Don’t you turn away.
Don’t you turn away .
Turn away from my love.

her:

I don’t want turn away.
I want to run your way.
I want to run your way.
But I have to turn away.

Both:

Why must love be so hard?
I wish it was easy.
Just so we could be.
Together for awhile.
Can’t we freeze time somehow?
Let’s just sneak away.
Sneak away for a day.
Together we will be as one.
At least for a single day.
I just want to hold you.

Both:

Love is what we both want.
Love is what we don’t have.
Love is where we want to be.
Together, together, together.
Love is there between you and me.
But we just have too, have too turn away.

The Tunnel

2007-09-25T22:13:00.004-04:00

The Tunnel

It was early on Saturday morning, Fred and Mark were on their usual morning jog through the woods and fields behind the school. The jog though was hardly your normal jog as they pushed each other hard and were fierce competitors but yet best friends. They were just into their thirties but played like they were still in their teen years or atleast early twenties. It did not seem to matter if it was weight lifting or hockey or even something simple like a video game. It was all go all the time to one up the other and get the bragging rights for the day. This day was no different as each searched for a little more distance between them on the path and looked for new opportunities to pass the man in the lead. They knew the path like the back of their hands or so they thought atleast. They came to a part of the path that veered left and was just wide enough for a pass. Mark trailing for much longer than he cared had decided many steps ago that he would pass here and then lead them home. Fred knew Mark was hanging back and tried to take up as much space as he could and as Mark tried to go by he tried to block him. They bumped and tangled as they tried to get the edge on one another. Fred lost his balance and tumbled and on his way down his feet tangled with Mark’s sending him tumbling a little farther down the path and into the brush on the side of the trail. Fred started to get up as he saw Mark lying beside the trail in the brush and wondered if his friend was okay. It was a hard landing for him and he imagined just as hard for Mark. As he neared where his friend lay in the brush, Mark turned and motioned for him to be quiet by putting a lone finger in front of his mouth. He knelt beside his friend and they both heard something coming from the brush. As they slowly moved the brush aside they were able to see a manhole cover a little deeper in the brush. They knew years ago there used to be industrial buildings on the site but had never seen anything like this before and assumed it was all filled in some time ago. As they neared the cover the noise turned to a voice and it was a young voice of a female. She was pleading for help and was sobbing. Her voice cracked each time she spoke and she just kept asking for someone to help her. To please just come find her and to get her out as it was dark and cold. They looked at each other and did not need to speak any words as they moved to the cover quickly. They began to clear the brush away so they could access the cover. There were thorns in the brush but they were even making this into a competition, to see who could clear it faster as they both just pulled and tossed brush as fast as they could until it was clear. Then they looked up at each other and then both fell towards the cover wanting to be the first to yell to the trapped girl. As if planned they both said help was on the way into the holes in the cover. They lifted the cover off and jockeyed to get down the hole to get to her. They paused long enough to look at each other as if to say come on, you go, before both tried again but Mark slid down into the open hole and began climbing down the ladder. Fred was right behind him and on the ladder and heading down. They climbed for what seemed longer than they had thought would be possible. Mark kept going and Fred did as well but soon Fred paused and looked out over Mark’s body below him. He could see a dim light or glow from down at the bottom which still seemed to be a ways away. He told Mark that maybe he should go get some help while Mark went to the girl. Mark paused and looked up at Fred to see if it was a trick but he knew by his voice that Fred was leery of this all of the sudden. Mark motioned again for them to be quiet and listen; they no longer heard the girl’s voice calling to them. They called to her but there was no response. Nothing but there own voices bouncing around the walls. Mark started to head down as quick as he could fearing the girl was fading from them. Fred began to head up towards the top to go get some help. He mad it maybe ten feet back up the ladder before he could see someone up above him staring down at him. He could not make out the features as the sun was behind him but this was a big person. Then the sun started to be blocked out as the cover was being slid back over the hole. He began to yell and Mark below him stopped his descent to look up, he saw the light fading. Fred hurried up the ladder but whoever it was ignored him as the manhole cover was now in place above them. He climbed hoping to be able to push it out from underneath. He could hear something being done above him and as he neared the top he tried to push but the cover would not move. Something had been done too it and he could not budge it. Mark decided that they needed to get the girl anyway and then could worry about how to get the cover open. Mark started climbing down again while Fred tried to figure out how to open the cover. He pushed and pounded but it did not move and he was getting tired from the effort. He decided to head down to find Mark who was no longer on the ladder and had disappeared into whatever lay beyond the bottom. He felt nervous and did not like the situation but he would not, could not express that to Mark as he would get ribbed by it for quite sometime. He started to head down and as he neared the bottom he called for Mark and did not get an answer. He tried a couple more times but did not get a response and just assumed Mark was playing games with him or caught up in helping the girl or maybe just couldn’t hear him for whatever reason. Once at the bottom, he saw that there was along tunnel with what appeared to be other tunnels off of it. He started to edge down the main tunnel that was dimly lit and listened carefully for any noise to help him locate Mark and the girl. As he took step after step he and heard nothing he began to worry. He yelled again for Mark but still did not get any response. He was becoming worried and was just hoping everything was going to be fine as his mind began to run scenarios of possible problems. There were numerous tunnels off of this main tunnel and all were dark except one. So he headed towards that tunnel. The placed smelled like chemicals or some combination of things he could only imagine that had seeped into this place in the years before when it was active above ground. He wondered why there was even power here at all and thought these things were supposed to be destroyed or filled in years ago. He was nearing the tunnel when a hand suddenly grabbed his shoulder. He about jumped out of his shoes as the chills went through his body. The hand squeezed hard and he could feel a hot breath on the back of his head. The hair on his arms began to stand up as he realized this was not Mark, it was not possible for it to be him.
##########################################################

Tumbledown: A Story of Almost

2007-09-25T22:13:00.003-04:00

Tumbledown: A Story of Almost

Tumbledown Mountain near Weld Maine is said to hold a jewel of a lake on top of the mountain plus fantastic views of Maine’s other mountains, woods, lakes, and rivers. A challenging hike was sure to be had as I choose to take on the mountain. Listed in the Maine Mountain Guide as a strenuous hike to the 3090ft peak and certainly not in the beginner category, I decided still took take myself on the most challenging of its trails. One straight up the mountain with no twisting around to get there but up I would go. I fell short of the pond and the summit. I almost made it there as I was only about ¼ mile from the pond. Doesn’t sound far but straight up over boulders it is a long ways. So I almost made it…… but why almost?

Did I fail myself? Did I come up short by not making it to the top? Did I set myself up for that result? I honestly could go on and on with those type of thoughts and questions. They used to be me for such a long time. Jaded glasses are what I looked through to see everything in the World. I have taken them off for good. This would have been a huge set back for me and my progress would have been stopped. Not now…

So what happened? Well, I decided yesterday I would attempt Tumbledown today and really didn’t do any packing or planning till today. So this morning when a few things came up and I had to rush it kind of set me off on the wrong foot. I thought a few times about just taking a closer mountain and not going to Tumbledown. I decided though that I wanted to face it and go for it. I had a breakfast that was likely to light for this journey. V-8 juice, and sandwich of turkey bacon, flax seed bread, egg white. Not exactly the breakfast of Champion hikers. So I headed there over two hours later than I had planned. So already off of the target as instead of reaching the mountain in the morning, I would now reach it just after noon time and would be hiking during the hottest part of the day, again a bad choice on my part for such a tough hike like this one. I also wore a windbreaker on the trail, another bad idea. I should have hiked as normal and then added the windbreaker if it was cool. Eighty degrees and too much clothing was a mistake. So was no lunch other than a banana and a power bar. I also did not remember to fill my water before I left home and thus my camel pak was of little use to me. I had bought water and left it in the truck for a nice cool treat upon my return. It turns out I needed it on the trail!! A few mistakes and bad timing set me up to have a battle from the get go on this hike which was just poor planning on my part. Instead of challenging my mind and the reasoning I should have just listened to it and done a closer hike. I didn’t though and that is that for this hike.

As the trail went on and on, upward and ever steepening with seemingly each step of the ascent I started to sweat and soon was soaked with sweat dripping off of me. I had little water to replace what I was losing and we all know that can lead to trouble quickly. So was I flirting with dehydration? There was a pristine pond at the top if I was in dire need of water. However the minutes became a half hour, hour, hour and half of hiking with each half hour bring a steeper trail until near the end it was going up the side near a waterfall and between boulders. I was close to the top and I know that, real close in fact less than the ¼ mile likely. However, my legs were tiring with each step more from the lack of water or food than the fitness of my body. I asked my body to do something and unfairly I had not prepared it for what I asked. So the time was ticking and I told myself that I could make, went further, battled with my anxiety as I became more weary each step. My blood sugar was also likely taking its own Tumbledown and I did not have anything but a power bar to raise it up and my test kit, in the Explorer. So that was now also in my head and my doubts had begun to grow bigger. I decided to listen and turn around. Not push myself over the edge. This was not the place to test how far I could go. I was alone and quite honestly not an experienced enough hiker to make the judgment call of going forward. I made what I deemed the safe call and turned back. Short of the end goal for sure but not short in so many other ways. I knew I was six miles in on a logging road, alone, hungry, tired, and deep into the hike. Not a place to run out of steam. So of course my anxiety is having a field day as it runs through all the possible problems I will now encounter on my way back down the mountain. From bears, to twisted ankles, to broken arms, to passing out, and many other fun things that I was positive would happen. This was an anxiety attack in full bloom on a damn mountain trial!!! There was nobody to ask to set me straight, no quick way home, no quick way even to the Explorer. I had to go back the way I came up and while it is certainly easier than climbing up it isn’t really safer as one false placement of the foot and well, you Tumbledown. So festering was aloud for the attack. I felt out of control but slowly regained control. How did I do that?

Well, I thought positively and picked out the successes of the day. Slowly with each new thought my attack eased and my stomach pains eased as well. I had decided to go here even when it would have been easier to not do this today. I drove 2 hours to a place I had never been and wasn’t a place with signs to get to either. I had walked deep in the woods and overcome my fears on doing just that. I was not fearful until the attack happened. I made it a long ways before having trouble that most people would not have been able to get that far on what little I had in my system. I battled my attack and found a way to ease it. I didn’t make it to the top of Tumbledown but I still feel like I made it to the top of my mountain!!

I will be going back to Tumbledown this summer!!! I will make it to the top and will show you the pictures!!

Tumbledown: A story of success.

2007-09-25T22:13:00.001-04:00

Tumbledown: A story of success.

It was some 40 days ago that I had tried to ascend Tumbledown Mountain and had to turn around short of the summit. I had completed the two plus hour drive into a place I had never been. I had walked a trail alone and had reached a height of near 2500 feet. I lost the trail, was out of water, and lost my nerve. With each pause on that trip my mind began to wander and I began to question myself. Soon my desire and conviction to summit on that day faded. It was replaced by fear. The fear of being dehydrated, the fear of cramping, the fear of injury, the fear of animals, the fear of a night in the woods alone, and the fear of the imagination. It all began to replace the thoughts of making Tumbledown a story of success the first time. Yes, I made the smart decision by going back down the mountain. I would live to return another day. The demons would taunt me on my way back to Portland. I told all of you of the victories for me of that day. I meant them and felt them. In time though, those victories seemed shallow and I knew Tumbledown still called me. I told you I would return and I would make it. I knew that but the demons in my mind told I wouldn’t and that I couldn’t. I was not in shape enough to do this and that I would fail again or a million other things. I tried to ignore the call of the mountain but it only became stronger. I tried to find a partner to go with me but none was to be had for this trip. Fate had decided I would do this alone and that I would succeed or not on my own. It finally got to the point of restless nights. My mind was in a battle between the forces of good and evil. Good coach and bad coach. Inspirational and dysfunctional. A battle I had lost many times in my past. What would happen this time?

I awoke from a restless sleep at 6am on Sunday morning, July 30th of 2006. I knew I had to go. I knew the mountain was calling me. The demons told me otherwise but I ignored them. I packed and rechecked to make sure I miss nothing this time. I had everything and then some. I left for Tumbledown at 7:30 am, demons in tow. The two plus hour trip was only made longer by the self doubt in my head. Finally the tide began to turn as mountains were on the horizon and Portland was a distant dot on the other horizon. My World of torment seemed to be left behind as I neared Tumbledown. It was replaced with positive thoughts and a sense of satisfaction that I was even going again. Soon I left the paved road and was on the dirt road to the trail. I had told myself I would take a different trail but I knew as soon as I hit the dirt road that I would not. I would challenge myself even more by taking the trail that I had gone astray from before. If I was going to do this I was going to do it on that trail. I started out on the trail and decided to keep a steady pace rather than bust all out like I had last time. As I followed the trail I looked at my GPS and saw I was walking right where I had before. I was somehow comforted by that fact. I kept on trucking at my steady pace. Up and up over the rocks strewn on the trail. I walked past the water running down the mountain to feed the brook below Tumbledown. I kept going step after step. This time enjoying the surroundings and sipping water all the way. Up and up till the point where the trail begins to change from strewn rocks to boulders and trees on a steep incline. I wound my way slowly up this incline. Knowing that soon I would come to the point that I had lost the trail and stopped before long. I had my head up determined not to miss the blue blaze on the tree this time around. I soon crossed the stream and now was headed up in a path I knew was new to me and my gps confirmed this to me. I was now beyond my old tracks and making new ones today. I knew the top was near and it would be mine. Energy raced through my veins and I pushed onward, not stopping. My excitement was growing with each new step. Soon the trees parted and the view began to reveal the beautiful scenery to me. I paused to take it all in and then up for the final part of the ascent. I crossed the granite and suddenly there was this beautiful pristine pond in front of me. One of the highest Alpine ponds in New England and the highest I think in Maine. A smile washed over my face as I knew I was here, where I wanted to be. I was almost finished with this ascent. I rested and enjoyed the view as I looked at the three peaks around me. Trying to pick one to summit to complete my journey at the top of the mountain. I choose my destination and was off for it. My demons were now long gone and back in their hiding spot. My legs were tired but my heart was full of strength and I was full of adrenaline, enough to carry me tot his summit. A half hour later I found myself at the top. The pond now looking much smaller to me and the World around me looking oh so vast. I could see for what seemed eternity and I realized right then that I can do anything in this World. If I try and never give up, believe in myself, and just keep trying. I can do it, I can accomplish anything. The World seemed to lay before me on that summit. A World that looked so beautiful to me for the first time. I could see many mountains and valleys which reminded me of life. There are ups and downs we each face. How will you handle yours? It is easier to stay in the valleys. I challenge you to come to the top with me. You have to earn it. The view though from the top, is truly better!!!!

Pictures of this hike are online at my photography site.

tow the line

2007-09-25T22:12:00.002-04:00

Come babe, that’s right you, my love.
I am talking to you.
Standing up tall and proud.
Yes, it’s me your man.

Once a shadow of a man.
Still a child locked inside.
Not ready to grow up.
Not capable of towing the load.

A boy inside a man still wanting to be a boy.
Hoping to grow into a man.
You towed the line.
I was on for the ride.

You blazed the trail for us.
I couldn’t even follow that.
You led the way.
I stumbled along trying to find the path.

I needed to find my own.
Yours was too good baby.
You led the way but I went astray.
I could keep up with the pace you set.

Expectations I knew you had for us.
Expectations I knew you had for yourself.
Expectations I knew you had for me.
Too many expectations for me as a boy.

A boy inside a man still wanting to be a boy.
Hoping to grow into a man.
You towed the line.
I was on for the ride.

You amazed me with your desire.
Never a complaint from you.
Just carried the weight.
Led the way, waiting for me.

When would I grow up?
You never asked me baby.
Never pressured me.
You just towed the load.

Made some headway while I played.
Aimless in my direction.
Lost in my desire.
Misguided for sure.

Expectations I knew you had for us.
Expectations I knew you had for yourself.
Expectations I knew you had for me.
Too many expectations for me as a boy.

One day though babe.
You were towing the line.
I saw you, I saw the load.
I saw the strain. I saw the pain.
I felt it inside.

The time came for me, right then.
To take that line from you.
To grow from a boy.
To a man baby.

Come babe, that’s right you, my love.
I am talking to you.
Standing up tall and proud.
Yes, it’s me your man.

You can follow me.
Let me blaze the trail.
Follow me, your man.
I am gonna lead the way.

Time to tow the line.
Be the man.
Rest your tired body.
Watch your man now.

Look at me. Look at me.
Walking tall.
Walking proud.
Towing the line.
Pulling the weight.

It is my time.
My time to shine.
From boy to man.
Follow me now to the promised land.

Come babe, that’s right you, my love.
I am talking to you.
Standing up tall and proud.
Yes, it’s me your man.

Top of the mountain

2007-09-25T22:12:00.001-04:00

Top of the mountain

It was a battle, a fight for sure.
I walked, I climbed, hand over hand.
Every inch was an inch earned.
No sense looking back

Up is where I wanted to go.
It was a journey, a challenge.
The reward?
A view.

To the top of the mountain.
To the top of the mountain.
I look down on the World.
It lay before me like life.

I see the twisting roads crossing one another.
So many roads and so many choices.
Where to go? Where have you been?
It is all right there before me now.

I stand on top of the mountain.
I view the path I traveled to get here.
I earned it, it wasn’t free.
Life isn’t free, God’s knows.

So many roads lead here to the mountain but yet only one path up.
One path to the top of the mountain.
One path to the view from here.
No easy way to the top.

You want to be on top.
You have to earn it.
Climb, climb, climb!!
The top is near.
Climb, climb, climb!!

Once you get there the view is yours.
The path in life is so clear.
So clear from here.

To the top of the mountain.
To the top of the mountain.
I look down on the World.
It lay before me like life.

Top

2007-09-25T22:11:00.003-04:00

Top

Baby look at me.
I am lost.
So lost right now.

I am spinning like a top.
Round and round I go.
No telling how long I go.
No telling where I go.
When the top stops baby.
I am going to crash on down.

My hole World is spinnin round.
What do I do?
Can I grab onto you?
I don’t want to bring you down.
With this spinnin clown.

Where am I headed?
How do I stop?
How do I stop the top?
From spinnin my right into the ground?

Together

2007-09-25T22:11:00.001-04:00

Together

When I am weak.
I need you to be strong
When I need to lean.
I need to lean on you.
When I need to cry.
I want it to be your shoulder.
When I need comfort.
I want to turn too you.

Just know this too.
When you are weak.
I will be strong.
When you need to lean.
Lean on me.
When you need to cry.
My shoulder is yours too.
When you need comfort.
I will comfort you.

Never feel fear.
Never feel lonely.
Never feel sad.
Never feel lost.

I will be what you need.
Turn to me.

Together, Apart

2007-09-25T22:10:00.002-04:00

Together, Apart

Together it is all so true.
Apart it is all so blue.
Together it is fulfilling.
Apart so empty.
Together so warm.
Apart so cold.
Together full of hope.
Apart full of desperation.
Together full of dreams.
Apart full of despair.
Together forever.
Apart forever too.
Together destiny.
Apart nightmarish.
Together so loving.
Apart so confusing.
Together so comforting.
Apart so unsettling.
Together or apart.
Loving only you.
Always you.
Forever you.
You.

Today is another day.

2007-09-25T22:10:00.001-04:00

Today is another day.

Today is another day.
It feels like one of so many.
Another day in the line of time.
Tick, tick they all go by.

Trying to find a way to make it.
In a World that is so unforgiving.
A World that waits for no one.
On it goes and days go by too.

Living today!!!
Yesterday is but a fading memory.
Tomorrow is but a distant hope.
Today is here but only for a moment.

Live it now or watch it go.
It won’t stop for you.
It stops for no one.
Not even you.

What did you learn yesterday?
Can it help you today?
Or is part of tomorrow’s grand plan?
Think and think now, coming and then gone.

Can you make any sense of it all?
Yesterday is but a fading memory.
Tomorrow is but a distant hope.
Today is here but only for a moment.

To the Top

2007-09-25T22:09:00.000-04:00

To the Top

I walk the trail.
Always moving forward.
Never looking back.
Never slowing down.
Forward I go.
The top is the goal.
I go and go.
To the top.
No pausing.
No stopping.
Just going.
Up and up.
Running form my demons.
Running for my God.
To the top

To Moat or Not to Moat: That is the question!!!

2007-09-25T22:08:00.004-04:00

To Moat or Not to Moat: That is the question!!!
by
Lloyd W. Alexander

I awoke today knowing that I wanted to hike and hoping that I would hike. I had not been yet in the New Year of 2007 and was eager to get my first hike in. Yes, it was only January 3rd but to me it was like a burden or weight building on my shoulders that I had not yet put foot to trail. My mind works in mysterious ways and it was going about making a mountain out of a mole hill with this thought. The only way to take care of it would be to hike and not just a simple bread crumb of a hike but something with some meat and bones to it. A few hikes ran through my mind as ones that I wanted to challenge myself with sooner rather than alter. Scouring the internet and reading books to try too find what trails or hikes made sense during the winter months. I knew it had not been much of a winter yet but it was still likely to be snowy, icy, and cold at the top of most if not all of the mountains. So what could I do safely as that was something I had to take into account and knew that my mind would cover every aspect of the trail? Everything from if I got hurt would someone else be along the trail soon to help me to what kind of wildlife , i.e. a bear, would I run into and if I did what would I do. I had to cover these things each time I want to hike and there just seems to be no way around it for me.
I basically just go through the checklist to ease my mind and hopefully to lessen my anxiety which I also know is part of the deal for me to hike as well. In fact, the anxiety is simply part of my life.

So where could I go and what could I do? I looked at this trail and at that trail but found myself coming back to one trail over and over. It was to be my destination for this day. It was loaded with reasons for me to fail as well. I would summit South Moat Mountain in Albany, New Hampshire. The drive was close to one and a half hours from home and to a place I had never been to before which would add to my anxiousness as the unknown always does add to it immensely. This trail has been on my list for a little while and I wanted to hike to the summit about a month ago. I was doing my normal pre-reading and investigation of the hike. I was figuring out what to expect for terrain and elevation gain and condition of the trail and wildlife. I came across a review that stopped me cold and made my heart race. All the trail notes I have read to this point for any hike never mentioned my biggest trail fear as an actual part of the hike. The notes mentioned a couple who had seen a bear in the col between the South summit and the Middle summit. They watched the bear eating berries before moving along the trail towards the Middle summit. This quickly made me decide to change my mind on hiking this trail back when I first looked at it. I knew the and still know the likelihood of me running into a bear is slim and the chances of that becoming a bad situation are ever more slim. I researched before how black bears act and when the last attacks or incidents were and where. I was comfortable with the numbers and in fact I have seen 3 moose, 1 deer, and 1 porcupine on my hikes thus far. There are actually more incidents with people and moose but for some reason I do not really fear moose like I do bears. I would guess it is because bears bite and I am not so sure moose do. Add in the claws to hooves thing as well and well, I fear bears. Simple and I freely admit it. I take as many precautions as I can just incase I am unlucky enough to be in the wrong place at the right time with a bear. I have knife, an air horn (also serves as safety if I am lost), and a pepper spray. I carry these things in the woods but not on the streets on Portland where I am far more likely to get mugged. I am not afraid of the city or muggers I guess but I am of bears. So this little discovery on the trail report was just something that automatically made me set aside the Moats from my list.

However, my mind really doesn’t let these things go as it feels like failure and I can’t stand that in my life as it is also a fear of mine. I fear failing and that fear has kept me from actually doing things in the past. If I could fail then I wouldn’t do it because then I couldn’t fail. That was some flawed thinking right there and as Dr. Phil would say “stinkin thinking.” I knew that but I just could not get around it no matter what I decided to try. Now I have found ways to realize that not trying I in fact the ultimate failure. If I do not try something then I have failed to give myself the chance to succeed. I have failed to give myself the chance to learn. So now I try things that I never would have tried before and have also begun to learn how to set my sites on different levels of goals to make things much more attainable. There is a positive in just trying and that is something to remember. To try is not to fail and to try is to learn. Learning is to live and living is not being idle. So forward I must go and this trip was a move forward. It was a move to battle a fear directly, face to face. Go where the bear had been seen and hike, make it to the top. So the bear would be a major thought in my mind and an obstacle. The question was would I be able to battle the obstacle and defeat it. Face the fear and move towards it or would I feel the fear and turn from it? The anxiety would build around this and more things would definitely get sucked into the spiraling storm that was brewing. The unknown destination, the condition of the trail, and many other factors would add up to a point where an anxiety attack was on the verge of explosion. I had to go to the edge though to get to the fear.

I decided today would be the day to head to South Moat. I loaded everything up and off I went towards the mountain. I drove along a road that has become common to me and I felt safety in that route. I worried though about my Explorer and the brakes or any little noise I could imagine it was making could lead to a breakdown. I passed other mountains I had done on this route such as Burnt Meadow and Cutler. The shadow of my first hike was also close by in Pleasant Mountain. The success of these trips began to give me more courage and then a view of the White Mountains and their snow covered peaks gave me a sense of excitement as I wanted to be there to see it with my own eyes up close again. There is nothing like the view from the top after you have earned it for yourself. So halfway there anxiety changes to excitement!!!

I see the Moats before and am very close. I pull into the parking lot and as I get ready for the hike a woman and her dog approach me. I talk with her and she mentions bears that have been in the area recently. My heart now feels like it wants to explode. I almost want to laugh because I am so nervous but I hold it in and take my time getting ready as my mind races around the idea of actually running into a bear. How can I get past this anxiety attack that is coming upon me now? Inside I just want to turn and go home. Flee from the possibility and chalk it up to safety and a smart choice for myself. However, another part of me is begging just to begin on the trail and see how a few steps feel to me. Against my hearts desires I begin to take those steps on the trail. Before long the steps begin to flow easier and easier as I feel terrain begin to climb towards a summit. I want to reach it now that I have begun the trek towards it. The trail twists upwards as the slush becomes harder as I get higher it freezes and becomes ice. I am looking for trail markers and can not seem to find any anymore. I walk what looks like a trail to me but realize it isn’t a human trail but rather an animal trail. I decide it is likely a deer trail but that for now it is my trail. I reach the top of this trail and am on a ridge. I decide to look at my GPS and then followed it to the trail which joins the ridge in a different place. I can tell you that I was a little nervous when I realized I was off the trail but I also trusted my GPS to get me back on the trail too. If it had failed or I had not had it with me then I am sure I would have been facing an anxiety attack. Trusting a little piece of equipment with my life for some reason does not bother me and it has not let me down in the almost two years I have used it. In fact it has been the biggest tool in my arsenal of battling anxiety as it gives me apiece of mind that no person or no self talk can give me. I know I won’t get lost and it can tell me how to get home, how long till I get home, and where everything I could possibly need is located. My GPS is invaluable to me.

So as I near the top I am tired and have had enough. My mind races with what will happen now if I get hurt because I am tired or what if I run into the damn bear now. I am too tired!! So many little what ifs come into my mind now that the anxiety is making me doubt myself. I want to turn around and go back down the trail to the parking lot. Then get in my Explorer and drive home to my safe spot. I battle and battle with myself but keep placing a foot in front of the other as I push upward. My mind is trying to win but I am winning with each step. Finally I am too a point where I can see the summit and my GPS tells me how many minutes to the top. I keep moving and glancing at the time as I try to make it go faster and tell myself 15 minutes is nothing, ten minutes is less, 5 to go and you can’t give up now. My mind tells me each step up is another step away from home. It is another slippery and dangerous step back down and I could get hurt. It is yet another step towards being tired and throwing the balance of safety to injury in the wrong direction.

I get to the summit and boy isn’t the view just amazing. It is cold so I zip up and add gloves. I am soaking in the views of 360 degrees of awesomeness. Then I remember the bear and see the very col where it was seen some months back. Of course I know it isn’t right there but I scour the scene before me just looking for it. My tired mind wants to find this scary situation and my anxiety begs for me to turn and run back to the parking lot. Get out of here while the getting is good. I try to tell myself that it just isn’t realistic and then go through the process of convincing myself with the facts I know from my reading and the facts of what I had just seen or not seen on the trail. There was no bear scat and no bear tracks. In fact there were only deer tracks on or near the trail. So I calm myself and begin my descent. The trip down was tuff at first because of how slippery it was and yet I did not feel as tired as I did ascending. Descending I guess bring the relief of a lot less anxiety on my mind and a sense of accomplishment to get me back to the bottom. I made it back to my Explorer and back to home better for the journey.

My point is that the journey may be tougher than you think you are ready for on any given day but the journey is something that you can make and you are stronger than you think. Injecting a little positive self talk and learning to accept my accomplishments in small packages of a step at a time helps me reach summits in my life. These are places that have been off limits to me because I made them into insurmountable objects because of fear or anxiety. I still have my days and there are many obstacle sin my path. Just remember that trying is doing and doing is not failing. Not doing is failing. So keep on trying and you will be doing!!!

Time of our lives

2007-09-25T22:08:00.003-04:00

Time of our lives

We are born into this World.
We are given time right then and there.
Our clocks begin to tick.
Time is measured in the World.
Yet we do not know how much time we have in this World.

So what do we do with our time?
Your time is your time.
Will you choose to live?
Will you choose to experience life?
Take chances?

Or will you sit in a box?
Time ticking on past.
Wasting away, moment by moment.
Your life sliding on past.
Will you pretend not to care?
Pretend not to notice?
Tick tock, sun up, sun down.
Time going on past.

Sand through the hour glass.
When will your last grain of sand fall?
The last falls for us all.
Time runs out.
Runs out on us all.

I challenge you.
Take the time.
To enjoy your time.
Live this life now.
Make the changes.
Take the chances.
Live now.
Live now

The grains of sand fall.

Till the End

2007-09-25T22:08:00.001-04:00

Till the End

Life is hard, sometimes even unfair.
The choice is yours what to do though.
Take it or fight back and it is all up to you.

So what are you gonna do?
Make you stand?
Or fall into the quicksand!!

Life will go without you.
That we know. Yes, it will go on.
So make a choice right here and now.

Don’t let it all just pass you by.
I say stand up and fight on.
Give life you’re very best.

Don’t wither in the heat.
Don’t fade in the storm.
Get of the cold.

Make you stand.
Then move on.
Fight the fight.

Through days and nights.
You will win.
Just keep the faith.

Believe in yourself.
Take a stand.
Fight the fight.

Walk upright.
Look life in the eyes.
And tell it you win.

You aren’t afraid to be in the game.
No quicksand gonna slow you down.
Not going to sink to the ground.

Gonna fight on and be there in the end.
It is your life and you are gonna win.
Standing tall and proud till the very end.

Thinking of you.

2007-09-25T22:07:00.002-04:00

Thinking of you.

There was something today that made me smile.
It made me think of you for a little while.
Time has come and gone since we last spoke.
You are still the one I miss and that is no joke.

Inside my heart is where you still roam.
I wish it where more often that you were home.
Just know that no matter how much time passes.
You are the one that makes me feel like molasses.

Stuck in time and waiting for you to realize what is before you.
What is it you may ask? Well it is me and my love for you.
Something clicked that day back when and I hoped it would never end.
In some ways it has and in others it still endures and fights on with no end.

You touched me in a way that made me feel alive.
Alive inside like I had never been. Alive, yes, alive again.
There was something special and I know you know that too.
I could see it in your eyes and felt it from you when you were in my arms.

Time comes and goes but there is often something makes you come alive to me.
Sometimes it is a smell, sometimes it is a stranger that looks like you, and sometimes it is a tingle inside.
No matter what it is it brings me right back to missing you.

So today right now I am thinking of you.
I thought maybe you should be reminded of just how special you are to me.
So today, tomorrow, and the many tomorrows yet to come…. I will be thinking of you.
Waiting for the day when you realize just what we could have between the two of us.

Their Eyes Are Upon ME!!

2007-09-25T22:07:00.001-04:00

Their Eyes Are Upon ME!!

Ever felt like you were being watched? That every move you made was being judged? Each step, each movement s viewed under society’s microscope? That out of a crowd YOU, yes YOU are the one that stands out?

I think almost everyone has felt this way atleast once in their life. Some relish the spotlight and are drawn to it while others wilt in that very same spotlight. However, I am not talking about actually being there but just feeling like you are there and as a result it hinder your movements. You decide that you will preview each move you make or what you are going to do based on what you believe society is going to think. Now with anxiety disorders added tot his it can be disabling. Fear locking you into place as the eyes fall upon you. Are they really looking at me? I am sure they are not but that is easy to say now in the safety of my own home. In my safe place where the only ones that look at me are a couple cats and well they are cats. They depend on me so I have the upper hand in that relationship. Society however doesn’t owe me anything and rather or I have the upper hand is up for debate with each situation I encounter out in the World. I can tell you though that I have been locked behind the fear of being watched like an animal in a cage or as part of some experiment. I wilt under the perceived pressure.

Fears have hindered me in many areas but I have begun to break through in others. There are successes and failures that still yet haunt me. I know I am no different in a crowd than any of you reading this are any different in a crowd. I don’t stand out and in fact I probably blend in better as I try to be a chameleon. Can’t see me if I blend in now can you. Do I lose myself if I blend in? I do, and that is part of the problem and that loss equals a loss of self confidence. A loss in feeling like I have control over the issue and right back to thinking you all are looking at me. I don’t have this happen every time I am somewhere and can overcome it or hide it sometimes as well. For example, driving the Zamboni at a hockey game in front of say a 800 people was a cause for concern but I put on my smiley face and played the part to get through. My mind always raced with scenarios of embarrassments. Many, many possibilities and yet so few sure answers for all of those possibilities. I would never be able to complete my checklist before having to do another ice make. So it was time to act and just be, not to feel the fear. I would avoid looking up but if I did the painted on smile was there for you to see and so was a projected self confidence. I would wave to the children as that is what they wanted. I made it through it each and everytime. Hoping upon hope that it was the machine and not the driver whom they were looking at. What else though is there on the ice during between ice makes at your local arena? Nothing, the ice resurfacer and the driver. It was my spotlight and I hammed it up if I had too, I didn’t openly wilt. Despite many ice makes a day that were flawless; the nervousness, the preparedness, and anticipation were ever present for me. Put me on a sports field and well, I want you to watch me. I never think about it at all and just play hard. I think the biggest part in why that is okay for me and comes with no anxiety even knowing eyes are upon me is that I exude confidence in those situations. I am more likely to fail at a sport than I ever was driving that zamboni but the zamboni was a million times harder for me.

Things like the mall are tough on me and I am in and out as I know what and where. I am getting better with that now though, much better. I can actually browse and see different things. Are you watching me? I am beginning not to care because you are no different then me. Skinnier, taller, more muscular, fatter, shorter, weak, pimple faced, or GQ…….. you are begging not to matter to me. Look if you want because you are no better than me and do not matter in my life. Five minutes from now you will no longer exist to me after this encounter. So if I give you something petty to talk about or laugh about then so be it as maybe now my eyes are upon you!!

Trying to go to classes at the college has been a nightmare for me, a living breathing in my face nightmare. A hell on Earth if you will and I have struggled with it mightily with each new semester. I have not beat that demon as of yet. I made it once, their eyes were upon me and I didn’t make it twice. I am old enough to be some of these fellow students Dad’s. What do I have in common with them? I stuck out like a sore thumb with a bunch of young girls being the only male in the class. They were my peers but how could they be as they even speak a language that is foreign to me with words shortened and cut up as if in Morse code. If I needed to use the rest room would they notice? If I answered wrong would they think I am a dumb old man? I just couldn’t seem to slide past on this one put on the fake smile either. I enjoy learning and could offer my life experience to the freshness of their inexperience, if I was only sure that their eyes were NOT upon me.

Any day know I will find the unlock code tot his problem. I know that in a crowd I do not stick out and even in the class room where I do stick out, what does it matter? Should I care what you think of me? Who are you to me? In the end it is likely your eyes are not even upon me and maybe you too are worried that eyes are upon you!!