Navigating My Way

Navigating My Way


I was looking out the window and watching the snow fall. Gently the flakes fell to the ground and began to cover the sidewalk. I had watched out the window off and on throughout the day and had seen numerous people going back and forth. Leaving behind invisible footprints in the snow as time moved onward. The snow would erase their prints and leave a fresh trail for the next people who walked through it. I wished I could follow it. Someday I even wanted to make my own footprints in the snow or even invisible ones trailing off into the unknown. Someday….someway…….
I was stuck in my home and did not leave it often anymore. I had been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and while that is not life ending it was life altering for me. The diabetes diagnosis seemed to make an old problem I had been battling a worse problem. Anxiety was something I had suffered from, but it was not as debilitating as it had become now. I was in my own prison and my keeper was anxiety. The fears of “what ifs” is a big part of that anxiety. Slowly my World was filled with them and then it began to close inward for me.
I did not work and I did not socialize with others. My wife and my cat were my World. The walls of the apartment were the boundaries and the T.V. was my friend. I also had a computer and eventually started to talk to others online, but that was different than reality. I did not know them and they did not know me. I could keep myself secluded but also interact a little with people. In the end though this was not enough and I was searching for an answer.
I tried medicine, meditation, and many other things but they all failed in getting me past the anxiety for any length of time. As a boy I always had an imagination and while searching the internet I stumbled across something that sounded like it would give me some adventure like I had when I was a boy. I though if I could try this it would build my confidence slowly. I talked with my wife about what I had found and we decided we would try this to see if it would work.
What I stumbled across on the internet was something called Geocaching and all you needed was a GPS unit to participate. The basis of Geocaching is people placed caches of varying sizes and difficulty all over the place for others to find. A cache is a hidden item that has a log book for you to sign once you find it. You can also trade small items when you find the cache such as pins, post cards, coins, or other trinkets. It sounded like an adventure and there were some caches right in my own neighborhood. That made me curious as to where the items were hidden and if I could find them. The clues that are given are helpful, but you need a GPS to guide you as you plugged in co-ordinates to get yourself near the hidden cache. I searched the internet and found out more about GPS units and soon had made a decision on the one that I wanted to purchase for my adventures.
It was a challenge just to purchase the GPS unit as I was not eager to go to the store where other people would be and where I was sure my anxiety would be an issue. I looked for a store that was likely to not be as busy and with my wife’s help I was able to make the trip to the store. We purchased a Garmin GPS unit for a couple hundred dollars and that price alone caused me to feel some pressure about this new adventure having to work or at least help with my anxiety. Money was tight and Michelle, my wife, was working two jobs to get us from point A to point B each month. At home we opened the GPS and loaded the maps onto the unit. Sure enough it searched for and acquired satellites that confirmed I was sitting in my little World again. It knew where I was and I could see everything around me because of the GPS. I punched in names of places I knew and the little handheld GPS confirmed what I had already known, but also told me how to get there and how long it would take for me to get there. I was amazed and curious.
I punched in the co-ordinates for my first geocache that was near my home. The location popped up on the screen and I knew exactly where this place was as it was the playground I used to play in as a child. The anxiety and excitement clashed within me at that point. I wanted to go find it but I didn’t dare to go find it. A battle of go and don’t go was underway. I decided not to go, however the seed was planted. I talked with Michelle about the playground and strategize on where something could be hidden even though I had no idea how big or small or how well hidden a geocache was at this point. The curiosity was slowly gaining the advantage over the anxiety as I became more and more confident that I could complete this adventure and return to my sanctum safely. I decided to go for it the next day.

The night went slowly and I hardly even slept as I just kept imagining the park. The sun finally rose and I fired up the GPS unit and grabbed the geocache print out before heading out the door. I paused before grabbing the door knob knowing I was leaving the safety of my home, but I looked at the GPS and saw where the geocache was located and thought what have I got to loose and headed out the door. Soon I was not thinking or feeling anxiety as it was replaced with excitement. With each and every step the GPS showed me moving in the right direction and the area of the geocache was getting closer. I finally made it to the area and re-read the clues to the location. I looked around and barely noticed the people out walking their dogs or going to their cars to leave for work. I was looking around and doing my best to put the clues together. I poked around here and there but I could not find the geocache. My anxiety started to creep in and I became anxious and eventually went home after a while. I felt disappointed, but then I realized I had been somewhere I had not been in a long time which made me feel good.

Eventually I did find that first geocache in the park and that opened the door for me to want to find more and more of them. I eventually loved the hard to find geocaches and found myself out in areas that had previously been off limits due to my anxiety.
When I was searching for the caches I sometimes did feel the anxiety, but more times than not my mind was thinking about geocaching. Some of the caches even required a certain amount of stealth and it only seemed to add to the adventure and the fun. The GPS unit became my freedom and my buddy. It went to places that were outside of my comfort zone because of my GPS unit and my area of comfort began to grow. I trusted it to provide me with the information to answer some of the “what ifs” that I always had and build my confidence.
Over time I was going further and further from home until I was running out of geocaches. The excitement was also waning as the challenge faded. I started looking for a new adventure to take me places. The GPS provided the confidence and I just needed to provide the adventure. I soon discovered hiking and started out with hikes that were near my home, but those expanded further over time. I remember reading about places in the White Mountains and then finding their location on the GPS unit only to feel that they seemed so far away. I never believed I would ever make it to these places, even if it was for a drive and not to hike, but I kept them in the GPS memory all the same.
In time I was moving further and further away from home and hiking in the woods which were an unknown for a kid who grew up in downtown Portland. Woods eventually became mountains and the mountains were further and further away from home. Each trip was filled with challenges but I was always able to navigate them because I had the GPS to guide me in my travels. I was never lost and always knew my way home. I always knew how long until I got home and if I needed to make a pit stop the GPS told me where to go.
The GPS unit has opened up the World to me. I now am able to go the places that seemed so far away not too long ago and offered me a new freedom. I sometimes look out my window watching the snow fall gently after returning from the mountains knowing that out there on a trail in the woods in a distant place the snow is slowly covering my invisible tracks.